SOSOGAY Part II: The End Times (848 hits)
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Submitted by <gbusman.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2003-08-18 06:07:31 EDT
This is the extraordinary conclusion to "SOSOGAY Part I: The History"
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=10589751599585609
This background information is necessary to fully understand the following prophecy.
It is finally time to reveal things to come as they have been made known to me. The following accounts I have witnessed with my own eyes, and I submit them to you exactly as I have experienced them.
****
...My vision slowly came into focus, and a feeling of dementia overwhelmed me. I had to steady myself to keep from falling over. After a few seconds, my stomach calmed and my mind was able to process my surroundings. I was clearly standing outside of a fast food restaurant. A newspaper dispenser caught my eye, and I examined the headline through the window. "USA Sweeps 2012 Summer Olympics: Team USA attributes success to 'Simply fabulous team unity.'" Puzzled as to how I could possibly be in 2012, I pushed open the door to the restaurant and walked inside.
My stomach had returned to normal, and I decided that I could use a bite to eat. I glanced over the menu, and saw all the familiar McDonald's favorites, dancing and moving around the menu screens. A picture of the Big Mac appeared and the popular slogan scrolled across the screen. "Two all-soy patties, special sauce, lettuce..." I did a double take, and re-read the first part to make sure I hadn't erred. I approached the cashier who wore an eager smile.
"Hey there, big guy! How can I service you today?" he said with a wink.
"Uh, yeah. I'll have a Big Mac, but with real meat."
His voice lowered, "My shift is over at five, can you meet me here then?"
"Umm, I... NO! I mean I don't want soy patties, I want beef."
His smile faded and he threw me an accusing look. "I'm sorry SIR, we haven't served BEEF here for six years. Soy patties are more humane, healthier, and taste the same as beef." He said very matter-of-factly.
I allowed this to sink in. "What about the McNuggets?"
"Well they're not chicken anymore if that's what you mean. Soy chicken substitute tastes almost the same, but is more..."
"Yeah, I know, humane, healthy." I interrupted. I wanted to ask about the Filet-O-Fish, but I had a feeling that I knew what the response was going to be. I decided I wasn't that hungry after all, left the counter and sat down at a table.
As I studied the room, a few things didn't seem to fit. The most immediately apparent of which was the McDonald's logo. In the place of the golden arches was a pair of rainbows forming the "M". As my eyes traveled around the dining area, I noticed that it was filled with mostly same sex couples. They were holding hands, and whispering and giggling to each other, which made me realize something else odd. This was lunch time at McDonalds and there was not a single child in sight. No families, no playing, no Happy Meals. I noticed one of the news papers lying on the bench next to me, so I reached over and picked it up.
Following the Olympics headline were other stories.
"World Population at 5 Year Low and Falling"
"Market Leader Apple Computers to Purchase Remaining Microsoft Stock"
"Opinion Polls Show Men Prefer Broadway to NFL"
"Federal Animal Rights Commission Drafts Bill to Illegalize Murder for Consumption."
"What is going on in this place?" I thought. I laid my head down on the table and closed my eyes, unable to believe what I was seeing. Reality seemed to dim...
...All of the sudden I was aware of people all around me. I could hear music, talking and laughing. I felt the breeze of people hurrying past, their bags brushing against me. I opened my eyes and felt a surge of adrenaline as people rushed all around me.
"'Skeeeewuuuse me!"
"GEEOOSH, pick a direction and MOVE!"
I was standing in the middle of a mall, and quickly realized it was the height of Christmas shopping season. I maneuvered out of the way to evaluate my surroundings. Typical green and red decorations adorned the windows and store fronts. A large banner stretched across the plaza that read, "Happy Holidays 2027." Before I had a chance to question the date, something very frightening caught my eye immediately below the banner.
A man was sitting in a chair, bouncing a little boy on his knee. The man was very fit and well built, and this was obvious because he had no shirt on. He was wearing a pair of red pants held up with a ridiculously gaudy black belt. On his feet, he wore tight knee high boots with 2 inch heels and open toes. On his head, he wore a bright red pillbox hat and his face sported a white mustache. I moved in for a closer look.
"He! He! HEE! Happy Holidays! And what would YOU like for the holidays, cutie?" The man directed at the child.
"I want a He-Can-Bake Oven!" The boy blurted out. "And a feather boa!"
The man laughed. "He! He! HEE! I'm sure if you're a good boy and obey your guardians, Santa will make your holiday very special!"
Curiosity got the better of me. "Excuse me," I asked, "who are you supposed to be?"
"Why, I'm Santa of course!" the man said with a wink. I had a sick feeling this was the answer I was going to get.
"No," I said flatly. "For starters, Santa is supposed to say, 'Ho, ho, ho, merry Christmas."
The man's jaw dropped and his hands flew up to the boy's ears, covering them. "You can't just go throwing around the C-word in front of children! What kind of hate monger do you think he'll grow up to be?"
"Well, what is everyone celebrating then, if not Chris... if not that?" I asked.
"The winter holiday of course! Oh my gosh, you really ARE one of THOSE people aren't you?" He looked shocked.
I ignored the accusation, or whatever it was. "Well look, Santa is supposed to be fat and jolly, and have a beard, and..."
"WHAT? What did you say about me?" He shot out of the chair, nearly dropping the boy on his face. "Santa" ran his hands across his torso, as if searching for lost keys in a jacket. He cried, "Did you say I'm FAT?"
He ran (or more pranced) over to another topless man, who was presumably an elf.
"Antoine! Antoine, did you hear that? Am I fat? That man said I was FAT!"
Antoine replied in a sassy voice, "No honey, you look great! Don't listen to that BITCH, he's just jealous."
Santa looked over at me with tears welling in his eyes. "I just can't take this any more!" And he pranced out of the mall sobbing, with Antoine close on his heels.
I felt dizzy. I had to sit down, so I crouched into Santa's chair and buried my face in my hands...
..."Hey, what are YOU doing here? Hey! HEY!" A finger poking the center of my forehead quickly snapped me out of my trance-like state. I instinctively shot up and swatted at the infringing finger, but disorientation got the best of me and I flopped back onto the bed I had apparently risen from. My eyes traveled up to meet the gaze of a very large and intimidating woman. I had her pegged at about 6'2, 190. She was decked out in full army gear with a T-shirt that read "I AM WOMYN, HEAR ME BITCH!" She wore a buzz cut to top it all off.
"This is our barrack, no men allowed!" she grunted. "How'd you get in here anyway? There aren't supposed to be any males on this base at all!"
I didn't know exactly what was going on, but I was sure of one thing: I wanted very badly to not be in this woman's company any more. "I'm sorry," I said, "if you'll just tell me where the... wait, this is an army base and there are no men here?"
"Of course not!" She barked, "And you talk kinda funny, where are you from?"
"Well, I...HOLY.." I was abruptly cut off by sound of machine gun fire very close by. "Are we at war?" I asked.
"War? You feelin' okay? We ain't had a war since 2008 nearly fifty years ago! Not that we aren't ready though. I'd love to get a chance to kick some ass! But the damn pansy politicians would never let that fly."
"I see," though I really didn't. "And why aren't there any men here again?"
She looked insulted. "Shit, no man is womyn enough to join the army, they just ain't got the tits! We've only got a handful of men in the entire armed forces!"
The words flew from my mouth automatically. I knew right away it was a terrible mistake, but it was too late. "You mean our whole country is being defended by CHICKS?"
Out of nowhere, the large womyn was instantly flanked by 3 GI Janes that made her look tame.
"What did you say?" she half whispered.
"I think he called us chicks" said a behemoth to her right.
"I think he questioned our ability to fight" said a gargantuan soldier to her left.
"I think it's time we show this MAN just how much ass 4 'chicks' can kick."
I was petrified. My heart raced. My life flashed before my eyes. I tucked my knees up to my chest and closed my eyes. Find a happy place...
...The bed seemed to vibrate. But instead of my own ripping flesh, I heard Barbara Streisand. Sweet, sweet music. I was so scared and confused by what was happening to me, I just wanted listen to that amazing voice and forget everything else. I wanted it to be over. But my reprieve was short lived. Other sounds began to infiltrate my happy place: a growing rumbling of machinery; something that sounded like branches breaking; and then the awful screeching of tone-deaf male falsetto.
I opened my eyes and looked around. There were crop fields as far as the eye could see in every direction. Beneath my vantage point I saw massive metal wedges digging into the oncoming plants, soy plants. I was sitting in the cab of a combine. Barbara was playing on the radio, and the falsetto...
My head spun to meet the smiling gaze of an odd looking farmer, who was manning the controls of the vehicle.
"About time you woke up sleepy head!" he exclaimed.
This was the most un-rugged farmer I had ever seen. Gaunt, pasty faced, and singing Barbara Streisand, I was sure that if I exhaled too forcefully he would break. He was wearing only a pair of overalls and a sombrero.
"Who are you?" I asked timidly.
"Fredrique, of course!" he said with a wink. Why does everyone keep winking at me?
"Okay, Fredrique, what year is it?" I asked.
"Have you been tipping back the soy-shine mister?" he asked, still smiling.
"Just humor me."
"Okay, this will be fun!" he said. "It's 2072."
"And what are you doing out here?"
"Well our numbers came up, so we're harvesting the soy."
"Our numbers? What does that mean?" I asked.
"Well, since no one wants to farm fulltime anymore, we all take turns with the labor of planting, growing, and harvesting!"
"With all the people in the world, you're telling me that NOBODY wants to be a farmer?" This wasn't making sense.
"Is that so hard to believe? 2 million people can clearly find better things to do with their lives."
"What about the rest of the world?"
"What rest of the world?" he looked confused. "2 million people IS the whole world."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Certainly this man did not know what he was talking about. Farmer Fredrique must have seen the disbelief in my face, so he continued.
"Ever since the Great Evolution, reproduction has been a very slow process. Most women don't want children, and the ones that do usually only have one. At that rate, the population fell very quickly."
"Great Evolution?" I asked.
"Okay, let's see how much history I can remember." He continued in a sing-song voice as if he were recording a documentary. "Around the turn of the century, soy became the cheapest and most versatile food ever known to humans. The plant is easy to grow almost everywhere, and can be processed to make everything from bread, to dairy, to meat substitutes, to fuel. The Animals Are People Too Act of 2015 finally stopped the senseless killing of animals for food, and cheaply grown soy products put an end to world hunger. During this same time, the human race was evolving out of the need for sexual reproduction."
"Um, 'evolving' meaning everyone turned gay?" My previous encounters were beginning to make more sense now.
"You got it!" he said smiling. "So, since women were no longer conceiving the 'icky' way, they went to hospitals when they wanted to have a baby and had it done the safe ...WHOA!"
The combine came to a jarring halt as Fredrique slammed on the brakes. Directly ahead, I saw a few dozen cattle feasting in the field.
"Guess we'll have to go around!" he said.
"What are you talking about?" I yelled. "They're eating our crops!"
He replied in a sympathetic voice that reminded me of my grandmother. "We don't have any more right to the food than they do. If we took it all then what would they have to eat? They can't go plant it themselves like we can! Besides, I think we have enough!"
I flopped back in the seat and banged my head against the window repeatedly. After a few dozen blows, my head hurt and I thought I could use a little nap...
...I awoke to enthusiastic yells.
"Eveline! Eveline! Look! It's a stranger!"
A man and woman looking to be about 30 years old ran up to me. I was sitting on a bench in a city park. But something was very wrong. I was surrounded by city, but everything was completely silent. I saw no cars, and no people, save for the two running toward me. The buildings looked very dirty, as if long abandoned.
"How exciting!" the woman exclaimed. "I thought we were the last ones!"
"The last what?" I asked.
"Well, humans, we haven't seen any other people for months." She said. "Are there more where you come from?"
"Uh, no, I don't think so." I said.
"Oh," she sounded very disappointed.
"You mean you think you might be the last two people on Earth?" I asked.
"Well, we were pretty sure until we saw you." The man said, and looked hungrily at me. I felt slightly violated.
"Then why don't you do something about it? Don't you have any kids? Do you want humanity to just die?" I was shouting at them.
They looked at each other hopefully. Maybe they would put aside their homosexual tendencies. Maybe, for the continuation of the human race, they could ungay themselves long enough to produce offspring and start a new world. I felt a twinge of optimism.
"Well," the woman began, "I don't know how to work the conception machines at the hospital, do you?" They both looked at me, honestly hopeful that I possessed the knowledge necessary to save them. I couldn't believe it. My heart sank as my last glimmer of hope was lost.
"No," I said, "I don't."
****
I suddenly awoke in my chair in front of my computer. Grief overwhelmed me. SOSOGAY will cause the end of the human race.
Not if I can help it. I realized that I have a mission. I have to warn the world of the damaging effects of soy. I will do everything in my power to ensure that soy substitutes are not accepted in the place of meat. We will not eat the soy burger. We will not drink the soy milk. Humanity will live on. Spread the word to all who will listen.
-Bus
User Reviews
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-08-26 17:16:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If i was gay id be pissed. But since im not, it kicked ass!
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-08-26 17:07:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
too long to read.. sorry man.. shit was too long
Submitted by Chad_Sexington (user info) at 2003-08-26 17:00:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woah.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-19 12:28:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-19 12:28:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2003-08-19 02:56:27 (#)
Ranking: 2
Who on here doesn't have the balls to admit they gave this a -2??? That's just weak. Whoever you are, you're a pathetic insecure loser who doesn't recognize literary greatness.
Why don't you man-up and take off your little mask, you pussy!!!!
___________________________________________________
Exactly. Only thing worse than a cunt is an anomyous cunt.
(+4)
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2003-08-19 02:56:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who on here doesn't have the balls to admit they gave this a -2??? That's just weak. Whoever you are, you're a pathetic insecure loser who doesn't recognize literary greatness.
Why don't you man-up and take off your little mask, you pussy!!!!
Submitted by No Comment <nocomment.at.nocomment.com> at 2003-08-19 02:44:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2003-08-18 20:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, why not.
Submitted by SundanceKid (user info) at 2003-08-18 18:11:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliant, someone needs to put this into a time capsul and dig it up with a pink shovel in 80 years.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-08-18 15:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked this better than the first one. I'll flame you if you want though, whatever makes you happy even though there is no god. :P
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2003-08-18 15:18:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, thanks everyone! I was really expecting to get flamed! But I did put a lot of effort into it, and I'm glad you all appreciate it.
-Bus
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-08-18 13:42:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hate monger!
I love it.
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-08-18 11:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny and entertaining. Keep it up.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-08-18 11:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well written, you're actually pretty good, can you find some better subject matter?
Submitted by Bellebrown (user info) at 2003-08-18 09:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:) I hate soy. I knew there was something fundamentally wrong with it.
Now I know why.
Submitted by Rivers_Liebig (user info) at 2003-08-18 09:04:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sha-boom
Submitted by Rivers_Liebig (user info) at 2003-08-18 09:04:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boom
Submitted by Rivers_Liebig (user info) at 2003-08-18 09:04:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
At first I didnt read it, and was about to hit the back button, but for some reason (being Insane's +2) I decided to read it.
Damn am I glad I did. What a great piece. If taken with a grain of salt, and that hopefully not the ENTIRE world will go gay, this was amazing.
+2 +2 +2
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-18 08:47:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok I have a few things to day about this.
First, wow, well written and interesting.
Second, FUCK ME I ate a soy burger the other day. hehe
Third, interesting correlation (Sp?) between soy and sexuality. Although I know it is just humor, I have some friends and relatives that have this very same mentality towards the *immoral* consumption of inhumanely obtained meat.
Funny thing is they are all lesbians.
Well, all but one.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-08-18 08:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality. Total quality.
Well done.