ssssssssssSSSSSSSHITPOST! (1248 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.94 on 44 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by itchy <Seanatwork.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-23 12:52:52 EDT
You know something I've been thinking about? I've been thinking about Elizabeth Smart, or, as I like to call her, Elizabeth Not-so-Smart.
The nut job who kidnapped her calls himself "Emmanuel," and I have to give him credit because Emmanuel is a much more compelling name for a cult leader than "Brian." After he became a suspect, his stepson was quoted as saying "Emmanuel is capable of kidnapping a child."
This begs the question: who isn't capable of kidnapping a child? I mean, how much effort could it take? Kids are stupid, just look at how many of them die in fires every year. Who the hell dies in a fire? How fast does the flame move anyway? Every time I burn my brother's toys, it takes an eternity for the flames to spread. A common house fire spreads about half a mile per hour. Oh no, a fire? Jump through the flames you pussy. If you don't make it everyone's going to think you're a dumbass anyway, so you might as well try. Besides, think how cool it would be if you ran out of the building screaming while you were on fire. Holy shit that would rule, chicks would be humping you left and right (assuming the burns don't scar your junk).
When Elizabeth Smart was finally "freed," her father appeared on TV giving one blubbering speech after another saying "I don't know what she's gone through and I'm sure she's been through hell." I don't think he was referring to the pictures of Elizabeth hanging out at parties circulating on the Internet, the video of her having a picnic at a park, or the hippy drum circle she was spotted at when he referred to "hell."
So to help other children in the future, I've put together a list of things Elizabeth could have done to escape her captors:
1. Walked away.
It turns out that Elizabeth was held at knife-point and was as close as 10 minutes away from her home at times throughout her 9-month ordeal. Here's an idea: walk home. Or if you're a gimp, change "walk" to "hobble" and the same rules apply.
2. Don't use wigs, sunglasses, and phony accents.
If you're trying to break free, cut the bullshit and remove the disguise when you're in public. If your captor walks away from you at a party and starts drinking beer, it's a pretty safe bet he's not a prophet. What are you clinging onto?
3. Don't hang out at parties.
It kind of blows the credibility of the whole kidnapping story if you're seen at a party. Next thing you know you have to make up some crazy shit about being brainwashed.
4. Anything.
Almost a year before Elizabeth Smart was found, there was a 7 year old girl named Erica Pratt who was kidnapped, bound with duct tape around her arms, legs and eyes, and left in the basement of a building:
Did she lie back and take it? Hell no. She broke a window, gnawed through her duct tape, and escaped. She was back home the next day before her parents could enjoy the solitude of having one less kid around, and she's only 7 years old.
So keep these pointers in mind if you're ever kidnapped and you'll turn up at a party somewhere. Or a glove compartment.
________________________________________________________________________
Another thing I was thinking about is this story I heard about this guy who was getting married. He knew his fiancée was cheating on him with his best man, so he hired a private detective to take picture of them HAVING SEX. He went through the wedding then at the reception, he told everyone to look under their chairs for a gift from him. Under the chairs were pictures of his wife and best man HAVING SEX. He then thanked the chicks dad for paying for the reception and left. Had the thing annulled the next day. TRUE FUCKING STORY. My cousin told me.
___________________________________________________________________________
You know what I hate? I hate it when my Spanish teacher calls on me. She's all like, "Edwardo" (that's my Spanish name, my real name's Ed) would you please conjugate the verb "felate?" I'm all, "Felate?" What the hell's felate." Then she's all, "Felating is what I saw you doing to Mr. Brown the shop teacher last night." And I'm all, "shit, now everyone knows I'm gay." I hate my Spanish teacher.
I drew a picture:
User Reviews
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2005-02-02 07:12:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
PLAGIAIAIAIARIWRIST!
Submitted by SammySam (user info) at 2004-01-12 22:47:18 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
horrible, I read the first line and new that it was stolen. You are a fuck.
Submitted by Random Joe at 2004-01-12 22:35:54 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Now everyone must put up with the annoyingly long bar on the left hand side.
HA!
Submitted by bob dole <ill log in later> at 2003-10-24 02:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
sorry dude, it is funny, but it ain't yours.
unless, if course, maddox graced us with his presence (and i dont think youre him) borrowing work from others only works on teachers and employers.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-10-24 01:28:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What can I say? I was born humorless.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-10-24 01:22:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oi! <smacks forehead>
some people jus dont get funny things.
maybe its me.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-10-24 01:16:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Okay, you are. I just assumed you were a dumbass.
I need to stop doing that.
Nah.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-10-23 22:04:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Unless you are poking fun at people who plagiarize, it's not funny.
http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=elizabeth_smart
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-23 15:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
MUST
NOT
LOOK
Submitted by GRiM_PeePeR (user info) at 2003-10-23 15:38:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
HAR HAR HAR KRUSTY SKANK HAR AHR AHR!!!!!!!!!11111111111
LOL OMFG D00D FAEG!!!!!!!!!11
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-23 15:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glam would you please drive across town and smack phinch for us all?
wait, where is Yes? maybe we should send him instead.
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-10-23 15:31:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
OKAY KEP TAHT 12 YEAR OLD SHIT OF MAH SHIT POST !!1!! OMG 11!1 OMG LOL !1!!! WTF WATE !1!!1 OMG 1111 OMG 11!11!!! OMG LOL WUT IS GONG ON O??!!????! OMG LOL GREAT NOW ITS SPR3ADNG!!!!11 OMG LOL
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-23 15:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WA TEH P3OPL3 OF DA UNIETD STAETS IN ORD3R 2 FORM A MORE PARFACT UNION 3STABLISH JUSTIEC INSURA DOM3STIC TRANQUILITY PROVIED FOR TEH COMON DEFENS3 PROMOT3 TEH G3N3RAL W3LFAER AND S3CURA TEH BL3SNGS OF LIEBRTY 2 OURSELV3S AND OUR POSTERITY DO ORDANE AND ASTABLISH THIS CONSTITUTION FOR DA UNIETD STAETS OF M3RICA!11!!1! OMG WTF LOL
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-23 15:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PHINCH START3D IT111111!1 WTF
http://ssshotaru.homestead.com/files/aolertranslator.html
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-23 15:12:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Shit loki, I hate that AOLese stuff, but I can't rip my eyes away from it until I've read it all! Damn it! I'm like a deer in headlights. Thanks alot.
Submitted by Natophelia (user info) at 2003-10-23 15:12:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hhaaaarrr harrrreeeehehehehehehe
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-10-23 15:04:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by humor_me (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I give you +2 for the comments alone. "Do you think nobody reads Maddox?" Hahahahaha...so much fun.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Itchy, this made me itchy in all the right places. *squirms in chair*
Funny stuff.
It boggles the mind what was going on in that girls head for 9 MONTHS. Jeezus.
I'm curious, why would Krusty Skank give this a -2? What a douche bag.
Maybe she really is a big fat guy in tighty whities posting pics of a camwhore.
+2
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:51:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did you guys see I got a -2 "no comment" from Krusty Skank? Guess my drawering hit a little close to home? Hee hee hee, ho ho ho.
I love sssssssSSSSSSSHITPOST! I think I would even love Shiptoast if there was such a thing, just because it is so close to SHITPOST!
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have to give another +2 because Velouria kicks too much ass for her own good.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:46:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG THIS POST JUST SUKS1!1!! OMG WUT DO U MAAN DONT I KNOW WUT IRONY MEANS1!11! OMG LOL OF COURSE I DO IMM IN ADVANCED ANGLISH!1!!!1 WTF FUK U UR DA WRINKL3D OLD FUK WHO CANT SP3L1!1!! LOL
Submitted by Luther (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:46:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for doing it with a teacher. I did that once... he got fired... heh heh *snort*
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:45:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your story could have been cool, IF IT WASN'T A COMPLETE RIP OFF OF SOMETHING SOMEONE ALREADY WROTE!
http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=elizabeth_smart
Do you think you're the only one who reads Maddox's page?
---------------
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!
I think we have a winner of the acclaimed "Tard of the century" award.
+22222@@@
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for me again because Veloria is AWESOME!
ssssssssssssSSSSSSSHITPOST! Strikes Again!
Submitted by Velouria (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:41:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Your story could have been cool, IF IT WASN'T A COMPLETE RIP OFF OF SOMETHING SOMEONE ALREADY WROTE!
http://maddox.xmission.com/c.cgi?u=elizabeth_smart
Do you think you're the only one who reads Maddox's page?
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:38:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Kristyswan (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:33:33 (#)
Ranking: -2
...
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Submitted by Kristyswan (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:33:31 (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
_________________________________________________________________________
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!11
I give myself a +2 for that!
Submitted by Kristyswan (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
...
Submitted by Kristyswan (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:33:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:06:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LarryG - is like that retarded kid in the corner who knows that people are talking about something, but can't quite figure out what's going on
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hehehe
Submitted by LarryG (user info) at 2003-10-23 14:02:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It was funny when maddox wrote it too
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-23 13:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damnit.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-23 13:59:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"You know what I hate? I hate it when my Spanish teacher calls on me. She's all like, "Edwardo" (that's my Spanish name, my real name's Ed) would you please conjugate the verb "felate?" I'm all, "Felate?" What the hell's felate." Then she's all, "Felating is what I saw you doing to Mr. Brown the shop teacher last night." And I'm all, "shit, now everyone knows I'm gay." I hate my Spanish teacher.
I drew a picture"
dude. this paragraph is fucking hillarious.
Submitted by DrunkMonk (user info) at 2003-10-23 13:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
excellent Shitty post.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-10-23 13:21:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
itchy, that last paragraph made me laugh out loud, clap a couple times, lean back, and almost fall out of my chair.
if you were a girl i'd marry you.
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-23 13:15:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't read maddox. I don't see the draw. I was hoping that first part was a joke, though. Whew.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2003-10-23 13:07:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just noticed my link and I meant "laugh" not "lauch" before. Made me laugh again.
Sssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssuper.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-23 13:04:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG LOL :) :P ;)
Submitted by itchy (user info) at 2003-10-23 13:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I just hope no one misses the fact that the first portion is a direct Maddox rip-off. I mean, literally. Stole it directly from the page.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-23 12:58:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very good shitpost.
in invoked such emotion an instant -2 feelings sprang from my mind.....
top notch.
i noticed that about the sidebar too.
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2003-10-23 12:55:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, the title of this post not only made me lauch, but it kinda stretched out all my side menu's. I think that could be a new tool for annoying people to think out. No spaces + MANY characters = Oops.
Submitted by potatomanjack (user info) at 2003-10-23 12:55:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you just hit a grandslam in the baseball game that we call shitty Thursday posts.
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-10-23 12:54:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!!!
AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
SHIT POST THURSDAY CONTINUES!!!!
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106691663384473137