Someone tried to kill me last night, Hadooken, Tom, low sodium monkey (934 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.75 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Trevor johnson <trevcali.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-30 18:13:32 EST
Sorry, but I am still alive. I think all you fucks in the poor club finally stole a ticket to California and found out my address. So it was a normal life of leasure after work and after watching the exorcist for the first time with my Girl freind I decided it was time to go to bed. I was thinking about my old life in the bay area when I heard something walking in my gazeebo garden area. I instantly sprung up which didn't wake up Stacy at all since she sleeps heavy.
I went down stairs with a 44 magnum and a S&W knife and turned on the garden lights. Nothing, dead erie silence. I looked around and decided to release my two big bad German shepherds which are actually huge wussies. One started sniffing by the pool and yelped and fell down, two seconds later the other one by my rose bushes fell down. I was silent, and contemplated calling the cops. I ,however, knew that if it was a person from uber that they would have to go though me before they got to my safe. I crawled over to my dogs which were asleep from some kind of darts. "fuck", I said. I knew it was an uber sent to kill me. I quickly ran for cover behind my gazeebo and waited patiently. Just then I saw a skinny man with some sort of skin cancer run over the fence, I knew it was sam el and fired one shot to his back sending his spine into a hundred shattered pieces. He let out a scream before his vocal chords collapsed.
Next I saw two figures which were Murphy and Hidden. They each pulled out a a 12 gauge shot gun and started firing. I ducked behind a bench and attached my laser sight to the 44. I was breathing heavy while trying to avoid little shotgun blasts. I peered through a hold in the bench, lifted my hand over the bench and fired 3 shots at the intruders. Murphy ran behind a bush to reload but stupidly did not know bushes are not bullet proof Murphy got hit in the balls which sent blood spraying like a fire hose. The sweet sound of agony brought a smile to my face as hidden gasped, "help me, help me". I reloaded cautiously and ran over to the withering body. I said
"AND LET GOD STRIKE DOWN UPON THEE"
I fired one shot into his head which sent brain all over my bushes. I knew it was not just these 3 fucks but 3 real thugs. Hadooken, Tom, and low sodium monkey. Hidden was still alive and was talking on a walkie talkie for back up. I shot my last two bullets into his side which threw him down hard had planned this out as a carefully planned assasination but had no idea I would strike down with my wraith. I saw three figures stand over me. I knew it was the fag trio. Tom spoke up first. He drew his HK .40 and pointed at the back of my head while I was still kneeling. I was not about to die by a buncha Mcdonalds workers. I head butted the back of my head against the gun which sent it flying backwards. I darted inside my house just barely missing the 40. cal bullets sent at me. I ducked behind the counter and realized I had only 5 bullets left after I reloaded. I ducked down and shot Hadooken's leg off. He fell down and I then released one bullet into his stomach which spewed intestines all over the concrete. The other two ran around back and went upstairs. I followed them just like a careful movie. I twirled around into my upstairs hallway only to find nothing. I quietly walked into my bed room only to find Tom with his gun pointed at my histerical girl freind. I pumped out a shot which blew the gun out of his hands. I then saw Monkey load his shotgun. I fired one into his chest and the rest of the bullets carelssly.
Tom charged at me with his fat ass knocking me over. He punched me in the face while telling me that he'll give me a beemer right in the fuckin face. I pulled out my knife and stabbed his thigh. His pants were off because he was trying to rape me. I pushed him off me while he was screaming in pain. I reached over to my bed and put my boots on. He was naked on the floor saying, "oh please don't kill me". I am not going to kill you Mr. Tom. "Your not?" he said. No, my boot is. I then stood up and smashed his nuts with my right boot. I heard the squirt of juices land all over the floor as well as a high pitched squeel. I twisted my foot on his mashed up balls. I reached up my knife and declared:
"And YOU WILL KNOW FEAR"
"noooooooooo", he said. I stabbed him in his face. I looked at monkey who was gasping for his last breaths of air. "And now you go to hell" I stabbed his neck and blood shot all over his dead body. I ran downstairs to make sure there were no others. I saw Hidden limping towards the back gate. "where do you think you are going?" I awoke my two dogs and put honey all over the limping Murphy. "Get em boys", I said. They ran over to Hidden and started eating him alive. I turned on some Italian music and began to hum on how the night had turned good after all.
User Reviews
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-11-04 18:49:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
you are an anti-hero.. I LIKE U KID.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-30 19:20:51 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1067558426247017158
Part Two, bitches.
Submitted by Party03 (user info) at 2003-10-30 19:17:57 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
"she was starting to slip into unconscienceness.... but before she could, hidden screamed "DONKEY PUNCH!" and delivered a blow to the back of her head"
""my work here is done." he said, as he zipped up his pants. "time to go slam some more brew."
and slam brews he did.... "
AAAAAHHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That was even better than the post.
+2 for hidden
-4 for Trevor
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-30 19:13:27 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
sure, no problem sam.
Tevor, i hand you your ass everytime you post. why don't you just give up?
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-30 19:09:05 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hidden, you survived, too? I'm going to say that I survived, as well. Okay, my vocal chords collapsed (can they do that?), at least I can still type. Sorta. My spine is in a hundred pieces. hidden, would you mind pushing around my wheelchair? Thanks.
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2003-10-30 19:07:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
hidden walked closer to the bed and stood in front of trevor's girlfriend, who lay sobbing and trembling.
"god, you're a pig."
hhhhhhhhhahahhahahahahahahaha
Submitted by K.M (user info) at 2003-10-30 19:04:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HIDDEN
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:56:52 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
A true sign that its Thursday
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:56:28 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
trevor left hidden for dead as the dogs attacked him, and went back inside. but trevor forgot one thing- you had better make damn sure and double check that hidden is dead, or it's your ass.
trevor snuggled back into bed with his girlfriend and retired again for the night. all of a sudden, he was awakened by a noise. he looked accross the room and saw a figure in the shadows. the figure crept towards the bed, as trevor lay stiff in terror. trevor's could feel his heart stop as the figure's face appeared in the moonlight... it was hidden.
"you should have made sure i was dead, motherfucker. now it's your ass."
hidden unloaded an entire clip from his fully automatic M4 into trevor's body, ripping him apart.
*CLICK*
"bitch."
hidden walked closer to the bed and stood in front of trevor's girlfriend, who lay sobbing and trembling.
"god, you're a pig."
she cried harder and balled up into the fetal position, scared for her life.
"i'll be right back." said hidden, as he turned and walked out of the room.
he went to the kitchen and opened the fridge. "Heineken. just like i thought..." hidden was counting on it, as he would need it.
he slammed six of them in a matter of minutes and walked back to trevor's bedroom, where his girlfriend still lay, trembling.
"wh- where di- did you go?" she stammered.
"to the kitchen. i needed to slam a six pack of brew because there's no way i'm going to be able to do this sober. you're just too fuckin' ugly."
"what are you talking about?" she inquired.
"you know what i mean. now roll over, bitch. and put this grocery back over your head- you're disgusting, and it's making me sick."
she did exactly as she was told, and hidden got on the bed. she let out a whimper as hidden entered her. "god, he's huge. i don't think i can take the pain. i'm so used to trevor's twix bar." she thought to herself. she had always called it that. she didn't want to hurt his feelings, so anytime he asked her if it was a good size, she told him "it was cute." even though trevor was lacking in manliness, she stayed with him, because she was hoping that one day he would get promoted from his secretary/coffee monitor job at the firm to a full partner and then she could finally stop having to make his lease payments on his BMW, which he said he needed to look important in front of the real lawyers.
hidden pumped harder and faster. trevor's girlfriend screamed in pain. she was bleeding... "please stop! it's too much!" she begged. but hidden had other plans...
"now it's time for DESECRATION!" hidden exclaimed, as he inserted his thumb into her chocolate starfish to get it ready. "i'm going to take a drive down the dirt road!"
she was terrified. she knew there was no way she would hold up. hidden pushed into her with amazing force. it was the worst pain she had ever felt in her entire life and she wanted it to be over with, as it was unbearable. she couldn't stand it anymore. the pain was too much, and she was starting to slip into unconscienceness.... but before she could, hidden screamed "DONKEY PUNCH!" and delivered a blow to the back of her head. she collapsed as her sphincter tightened around hidden's massive member. hidden pulled out and exploded into orgasm as what seemed like a pint of semen landed on her back, completely drenching her. hidden felt the post-cum piss coming on, and decided there would be no better place to do it than on trevor's lifeless body, which had been rolled onto the floor. trevor had died screaming, and rigimortis had immidiately set in with trevor's mouth wide open. hidden aimed for trevor's wide open mouth and filled it to the brim.
"my work here is done." he said, as he zipped up his pants. "time to go slam some more brew."
and slam brews he did....
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:50:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey! You forgot the part in which I pimped up your girlfriend, blew off your balls, and killed your cat.
You need to stop hiding all the good parts!
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:47:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Phinch: It's what's for dinner!
-Tom
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:46:12 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
Sorry there mate, I didn't notice GoingBlue's -2 there. You're still shit, so you get another -2. Go crucify yourself.
Badass.
Submitted by Fleet_Marshall_Badass (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:44:30 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
I've given you -2 because nobody has given you -2 yet, and because you can't spell. And you're shit. You had a laser on your Magnum (?) and the only head shot was virtually at point blank. And your dogs suck. And I doubt you'd mind if Tom tried to rape you. But then, it wouldn't be rape, would it?
But what I really want to know is not why a devout Christian shot five people and stabbed another, nor how they got past the mines, nor why you didn't get in your Panzer (http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1067460784100914219). What I really want to know, is how you managed to get your dogs to eat people smeared in honey, when they merely lick you playfully when you smear it all over your penis for them.
"Get fucked, you fucking fuckwit,
You can't move into my house."
Badass.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:41:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
i like tom
in that scared of him kinda way.
Submitted by GoingBlue (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:37:26 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
All your hit whoring are belong to us.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:34:50 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Indeed they did, Tom.
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:34:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahaha, all his balls died, Tom.
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:34:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
(Blows up icecream truck and laughs)
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:33:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(Also gets icecream)
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:33:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(Gets icecream)
-Tom
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:33:20 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
Tom, we can find help for you.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:33:04 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok then.
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:32:49 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Ok, lets get some icecream.
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:32:34 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(Tackles back)
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:32:18 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
(Tackles Tom)
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:32:01 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooweeeblablarooorarg!!!
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:31:44 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Raawrg!!!!!!
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:31:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Bring it, Pussy!!
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:31:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You shall feel my wrath, Tom!
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:30:46 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
You are the suck, Tom! Hahahahahahaha.
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:30:16 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
ALL YOUR BALLS ARE GOING TO DIE!!!!
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:29:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahaha, yes you are, tubby!
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:29:43 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Shutup Tom, I am not!
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:29:26 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha, you're fat Tom.
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:29:10 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 again for thinking I am fat.
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:27:29 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
But +2 again for the publicity.
-Tom
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:26:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You know something? Jesus came to Earth stating that you should love God and love your fellow man. Wanting to kill atheists isn't very loving, is it? May God have mercy upon your mislead soul.
-Tom
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:24:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay, I'm officially part of the uber community!
A few grammatical errors notwithstanding, this is a pretty decent post. Why couldn't you have been writing this type of thing instead of your awful Mexican bashing?
Submitted by marc01 (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:23:11 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
this is actully the first funny thing you have written.
ofcourse you still suck green slimy monkey balls
Submitted by Yes at 2003-10-30 18:18:03 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
AWESOME SHIT POST FOR S.P.T.! +2!
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-10-30 18:16:22 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because you have most excellent writing skills.
By the way, I never said I wanted to kill you, but if it gives you something to write about....
-Tom