How to be a successful poster on Ubersite (275 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -1.92 on 15 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by redbarchetta (View user info) at 2007-03-23 15:30:48 EDT
I'm sure all of you dream frequently about becoming a criticially acclaimed and worshiped poster on a relatively obscure website. There is no doubt you spend all day thinking "Man, I wish I could be as funny as redbarchetta. Being like comicbookguy would be cool, i guess, but man, he's nothing compared to that redbarchetta. He's so awesome!". Well friends, your childhood (maybe even adulthood? creepy) dreams are about to come true. Having been around here for a while, I know pretty much everything that needs to be known about being a good poster. So for all you noobs looking for someone experienced to teach you this "art", you need look no further.
And now, 6 Steps on How To Be a Successful Poster on Ubersite:
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Step 1: Read posts by redbarchetta
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Becoming great takes practice, so you must study the works of the best, aka me. Pay attention to irony, alliteration, imagery and other stuff that makes good writing (you'll find plenty in mine!). Be sure to take notes.
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Step 2: Brainstorm
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Beginning to write a post without planning ahead is by far the worst thing you can do, unless you have superior improvisational skills (yes, I have these as well. I'm currently improvising this entire thing!). I would suggest brainstorming while pooping. Something about the odor of feces tends to awaken one's mind, and hence you will have your most creative idea's during a bowel movement. A good summary of what your post will be about is all you really need for now.
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Step 3: Begin Writing
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First of all, make sure you have a catchy title that will be sure to attract people. If you have a humorous story, a good idea might be to use one of your hilarious quotes. Otherwise, "Naked Women" is always a good title to use. Once you're done with your title, get working on the story. Make sure to exaggerate as much as possible and/or suck the dicks of other users (I would recommend studying TigerLilly's posts for this). At the end of your story, make sure you have a twist. It doesn't necesarilly have to be a good one; most people probably won't see it coming anyway. For example, instead of ending your story with "I went home and all was well", use "I went home, and wouldn't you know it, redbarchetta was there! Awesome!". Using the names of other users in your stories is always a sure way to get +2's (see dick sucking earlier in this paragraph).
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Step 4: Post. Then make useless arguments against people who give you a -2
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To have something in common with the great posters of this site, you absolutely must bitch and moan if someone gives you what you think is an undeserving -2. You may even go as far as to give them a retaliatory -2. As an alternative, you could choose not to bitch and moan, but rather reply to the -2 in a way that makes you seem superior to the giver of the -2. In doing this you will come off to anyone with half a brain as arrogant and stubborn, but you won't have to worry about that here.
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Step 5: Reply to other's comments as much as possible
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If someone leaves you a +2 and an attempt at wit, copy their message, hit "Review" and say something menial such as "Haha" or "Thanks! Haha". Doing this may give you a chance on Most Heated, and given the rating of the post, may even put you on Best Ever. If does end up happening, you'll have a great feeling of satisfaction when you're on the website, but will be no better off in the real world. Congratulations my friend!
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Step 6: Prepare for your next post
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By the time your post is no longer being reviewed, you can rest easily for the remainer of the day with a feeling of accomplishment. You may say things to yourself such as "I am so cool", "Haha! People on Ubersite love me!", or even "I've done something great for all of humanity." I know I say these things to myself on a daily basis. But don't get too caught up in your success. Being a successful poster doesn't come easy. It takes hard work, and an uncanny ability to resist doing anything actually productive. So be ready to start this process all over again the next day. By doing so, you will be well on your way to becoming as fucking awesome as I am.
Until next time...
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-23 16:03:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
this can't be serious.
*sigh*
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't even read your article. This -2 is based solely on the fact that 4/7 of your posts are -1 or below and your highest rating is zero.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:51:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I asked the Moo Girl from HR to waddle herself on up here and step on my balls for a few minutes.
After I recovered I realized that I felt better after a fatty-fatty-bobalatty crushed my junk than I did after I read this.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
LIAR!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:44:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
A) Fellate Caul
B) Fellate Sicosemen
C) Fellate Schlongy
D) All of the above. Copiously.
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Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you suck worse than McCallum
bauahauahahahahaha
I'm actually laughing at EVERY review in this post...mostly mine...but the rest of them, too.
Submitted by Alcoholocaust (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I didn't think this hangover could get worse. thanks for proving me wrong
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
A) Fellate Caul
B) Fellate Sicosemen
C) Fellate Schlongy
D) All of the above. Copiously.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you suck worse than McCallum
Submitted by redbarchetta (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:40:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you sir are a genius. outstanding work.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:39:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
1) Plagiarize Shlongy's posts
B) Shut the fuck up
C) B
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is the best fucking thing I have ever read. Ever.
NOT. haha okay thanks bye!
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Guyza frickin' JEENYIS ovaheah!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Don't comment.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-03-23 15:34:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Everything you ever wanted to know about redbarchetta
Average rating of all messages: -0.61
Awesome!