Stick Figure (955 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.1 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by gravitas (View user info) at 2007-03-24 14:14:17 EDT
Anyone/Everyone. This is a narrative fiction piece for a writing class. Any comments, suggestions, or criticism would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!
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I sit up in the car seat. A "city limits" sign whips by in a blur. I adjust the stuffing in my bra, glancing at Jessica.
Jessica drives with her seat far forward. She bobs her head and waves her arms as she sings with the radio. Her short blond hair is curled out. She's wearing her favorite t-shirt and jeans.
I ask her if my hair still looks all right.
"It looks beautiful. No one will know you're a guy," she says.
We pull into the gravel parking lot. Jessica finds a place near the door. A lone neon beer sign shines through dark tinted windows, the only light in the dark shopping center.
I climb out of the car and straighten my skirt. I lean against a dogwood tree in the parking lot to slip on my heels.
Jessica walks over to me. With a grin she says, "Hope you can walk on those. I like my flip-flops."
"Thanks for coming with me," I say.
"Don't worry about it."
We walk into the smoky room. A half-dozen men of all ages sit at cheap wood barstools. A NASCAR race lights their profiles as they watch us walk through the bar.
Huddled together, we trudge up to the less occupied half of the bar. I slide onto the last stool and against the wall. Jessica orders a couple of New Castles.
******
"I'm going to the bathroom," she whispers to me, sliding off the stool.
"Don't leave me," I say, glancing around.
"Then come with me," she says.
"Think it'd be okay?"
She grabs my arm.
I tail her to the bathroom, never more than two steps behind her. Heads turn as we pass.
On the door, there is a stick figure wearing a skirt. I look down at mine.
Jessica holds the door open. The floral-scented air freshener attempts to mask the permanent smell of urine and vomit. I stop to stare at the long row of pink stalls. There is a tampon machine on the wall. I take one more look out the door.
I clod in my chunky heels to the second stall. There's a pretty girl walking beside me in the mirrors. I enter the stall and slide the latch.
As I turn around to sit, I hear Jessica giggling in the next stall.
*********
While we can still drive, Jessica and I stumble out to the parking lot.
I walk around the parking lot, shaking my hips so she can see.
"You walk well on those heels," she says.
"I could get used to this."
I sit down under the dogwood tree and watch Jessica pluck flowers from its branches. She reaches for a bloom above her head. Her knit shirt rises, clinging to her tiny waist, exposing her pierced navel. She sees me.
She backs up and leans against the hood of her car. I stand up and walk up to her.
I reach for her waist and whisper, "You know, I can turn you into a lesbian."
She twists away from my arm and walks around the front of the car.
"It's getting late," she says, unlocking the door. "We should head home."
"I'll drive," I say.
User Reviews
Submitted by monkeyswithguns (user info) at 2008-01-10 08:59:33 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2008-01-10 01:40:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.ubersite.com/m/114095
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-07-30 16:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
So gravitas = The Uniter?
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-07-30 16:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-07-30 15:20:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Here, this one's worth something.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-07-30 15:11:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YOU ARE WIN
http://www.ubersite.com/m/110614#2487964
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-06-21 16:08:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-06-21 12:01:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'roids gone wild
Submitted by sweetkisses (user info) at 2007-06-21 11:39:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Dirty_Girl (user info) at 2007-06-21 10:19:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by andkon (user info) at 2007-06-21 08:56:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by sorento35 (user info) at 2007-06-21 08:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Matin_Morte (user info) at 2007-06-20 23:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Sydney (user info) at 2007-06-20 22:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-28 00:55:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Just because
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-26 20:38:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-26 20:38:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-26 18:14:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pretty good. I have no comments that would help you make this better.
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
!FIRE! !FIRE! !FIRE!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-03-26 06:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What vexx and Sebra said.
I'd also like there to be more of it, which I assume is a redundant comment because this isn't finished..
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-03-26 04:15:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What is a New Castle?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-03-25 18:37:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Something about the +1 makes me go blank on comments.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-03-25 02:28:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-25 01:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not sure what to do with this. Newcastle is one word, though. I'm deep.
--
damsn looked over that thanks. newcastles were goood tonight
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-25 01:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not sure what to do with this. Newcastle is one word, though. I'm deep.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-24 19:40:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it. Good descriptions, and you made a relatively unusual circumstance pretty believable. I agree with Zebra that revealing later could make it interesting, too, unless you have a specific intent in setting the scene this way.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-24 18:46:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you change the POV to Jessica and save your reveal until they leave the bar you have a much more interesting piece, potentially.
I won't go any further than that because I don't want to tell you how to write the story, but I'm sure if you think about it the possibilities will come to you.
Submitted by gravitas (user info) at 2007-03-24 15:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this is actually for creative writing. sounds like our teachers are/were similar. those are good places to write it out some. Thanks!
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2007-03-24 15:10:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Some good stuff going on here, deserving of the "compliment sandwich:"
-Nice use of descriptions, they were realistic and believable- particularly the smells and setup of the bar.
-But, as my old creative writing teacher used to say: "show, don't tell." It reads a bit choppy and underwritten because you fall into the habit of repetitive "subject-verb" clauses (i.e. "I walked into the bar. I followed Jessica. I re-adjusted my bra." etc.) I suggest adding longer, more complex sentences to round out the narrative and action.
-You handled the "wtf?" factor well, leaving the reader scratching his head as to the underlying focus of the story throughout. I'd like to see more of the relationship and sexuality between the narrator and Jessica.
Keep working and polishing, this could turn into a good story.