"I Think Of Someone Else When I Cum" - Why Slave Labour Just Isn't What It Used To Be (1511 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.64 on 43 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-03-26 11:14:41 EDT
They say that charity begins at home.
And that's where it stays with most tight fisted fuckers these days.
Last week in the UK saw the bi-annual event of Comic Relief, or 'Red Nose Day'. As the name suggests, it involves a lot of novelty red noses, and the general idea is that people make an ass of themselves (even more than usual) in the hope of raising money for charity.
Some people will put themselves through the utmost humiliation. Others will be content with chucking their spare change into a collection bucket.
Two years ago, Martin, a wannabe stud from the accounting team, decided he would impress the ladies by having a sponsored 'back, sack and crack' wax job.
He was happy to strip off to all the cheers of the on-looking females. However, he didn't seem so clever by the time the first sticky strip had ripped the hair clean from the cleft between his buttocks.
The stupid twat endured half an hour of torture. He raised a grand total of £49.70.
I, on the other hand, simply rang the hotline and donated £50.00 by debit card, thereby showing increased generosity without the crippling pain of a burning scrotum.
This year, I didn't get away with it. Call me old fashioned, but I'm not one for dressing up in weasel outfits, or sitting in bathtubs filled with baked beans. I'm more than happy to pay money for a good cause, as long is it doesn't involve doing anything.
Liz was the first to start.
"So, what are you doing for Comic Relief, Joey?"
"The same as last time, and the same as I'll do next time. Fuck all. Just tell me where I can donate my money, and I'll pay my fair share."
"Awww, c'mon. Get into the spirit of it!"
"The only spirit I'm getting into is a large whiskey, the second I get out of this place."
"What if I found something normal?"
"Liz, it's not happening."
"Why don't you go in the slave auction?"
"Slave auction?"
"Well, a load of the other guys are letting themselves get auctioned off. Whoever pays the most gets to have them as a slave for the day."
"Two words, Liz. Fuck. Off."
"Dave's doing it........"
Bastard! There's no way I'm letting that slimy fucker take the moral high ground. If I can get one over on him, it'll piss him off for weeks.
"Alright. I'm in."
"Excellent!"
As she walked off, I contemplated what I was letting myself in for. After all, what's the worst that could happen?
Nasty Linda. That's what could happen. What if she bids for you? You've seen the way she looks at you. You've heard the stories. A pussy of that magnitude could swallow you head first and ingest you through the lining of her womb. And once she's sated her sexual desire, they'll find you chained up in the basement, and....and....
Enough! I shuddered as I forced the mental image out of my mind. Hopefully Linda had already spent her monthly wages on Toast Toppers and crystal meth.
I made my way to the coffee area, and lined up with five other guys. A group of women had congregated, and were drooling like the pack of rabid dogs they were.
Brian and Rob fetched £150 each, and Paul raked in a cool £200. I had to feel sorry for Fatboy Frank, who only managed to pull in £20 - Thanks to a 'pity' bid from his sister, Wendy. Dave was next up.
The women flocked in, and Dave's price was up to £210. Liz took the bids.
"Any advance on £210? Going once, going twice, and - "
"£220!"
I look up and see Nasty Linda waving notes around.
"Sold!"
I saw the horror pass over Dave's face. He knew he was in for a bad ride.
The bids came in, and I was surprised when they reached the £200 mark. Two people were still bidding - Laura (early twenties, fit as fuck), and Jackie (early forties, scary as hell).
"£220!" That was Jackie. God, help me.
"£230!" Laura. That's it, good girl.....
"£240!" Jackie again. I looked at Laura who was shaking her head. She looked up and mouthed the word 'sorry'.
"Sold!"
Oh well. It could have been worse. I made more money then Dave, which is the main thing. Laura would have been nice, but at least it wasn't Linda.
The deal was that the women paid their money after the slave had fulfilled their end of the bargain. I would have to go through with it if I was to piss Dave off, which was the only reason I got involved in the first place.
In the morning, I went to Jackie's house, in the nicer part of town. She was recently divorced, and got a sweet settlement.
"Joey! Glad to see you. I had a feeling you might not turn up."
So did I, Jackie, so did I.........
"Me? Of course I was going to turn up! You know me, when it comes to charity, and.....and.....stuff. So then, what do you want me to do?"
"I've got a whole list of things for you to do. But first, you need to get changed."
"Get changed? What do you mean?"
"Well, a good slave should always wear an outfit. Something that shows who's the slave, and who's the master. I've got your uniform here somewhere....here we go.... TA DA! What do you think?"
"......................"
"Come on, what do you think?"
"I think you're fucking crazy if you think I'm wearing that."
"Now, now.....it's all for charity, remember. Besides - no outfit, no money. Get changed."
"I hope you burn in hell."
"Use my bedroom. Up the stairs, first on the right."
I changed into the outfit, and looked at myself in the mirror. It was essentially a butler's uniform, with one difference.
It was completely crotch-less, and the only thing covering my groin was a thin layer of lycra, which left nothing to the imagination. The back piece of material had disappeared up my ass crack.
"I hope you're fucking happy."
"Very! I think you look cute!"
Well, it certainly puts the 'cute' back into 'acute fucking agony of the testicles'.
I spent the rest of the morning doing various jobs - mowing the lawn, cleaning the garage, painting the fence. Jackie was relishing the dominatrix nature of the whole thing.
I was happy to flirt back and make the old hag's day. She paid £240 for me, so it wouldn't hurt to make it worth her while.
At one point, I turned the conversation to a subject that had been on my mind.
"I just wondered, how come you and your husband split up?"
"Well, it was his fault. He told me to be more honest."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Sometimes the truth hurts."
"Go on...."
"Well, we we're laying in bed after sex one night. I told him that I could only ever orgasm if I pretended that he was someone else. He asked me who I had just thought about, and I said Mark."
"Who's Mark?"
"His best friend. He didn't take it so well. I mean, what's the problem?"
"You don't think that's a problem?"
"Not at all. I thought of a hundred different guys when we had sex. Hell, I even thought of you once."
Thanks. Now, the next time I get a ride, I'm gonna have your face stuck in my head. Life's a bitch.
"Let me get this straight.....you have sex and think of other guys......and yet you TOLD him this? And then, you wonder why he left you? Why didn't you just do what most women do?"
"Which is what?"
"Lie, for fucks sake. Lie! You're a woman, it's what you're best at. Guys can't lie for shit. And if they think they're gonna get sex, they'll believe anything you tell them. Trust me."
"Really?" With one hand she swept her hair back over her shoulder. "Well, in that case........" She leaned forward and placed a hand on my knee.
Holy fuck, this can't be happening, I'd have rather been stuck with Nasty Linda. Please God, get me out of here alive.
"Y'know, I probably should be going about now, so unless you've got anything else you need me to do, then -"
"Well, there's always -" Her hand began to slide further up my leg.
"No? Good Ok, I'll just be on my way." I jumped up and headed for the door.
"Don't I even get a kiss goodbye?"
C'mon...she paid a lot of money....one little kiss won't hurt!
I walked over to her, and went to peck her on the cheek. She grabbed my face with both hands, and firmly planted her lips against mine. I could feel her tongue snaking out from between her lips, and trying to worm its way into my mouth.
She eventually gave up. Before she moved her head away, she whispered in my ear.
"We could always change places, so I'm the slave.....just think what you could make me do...... and besides - I've locked the doors from the inside." She dangled the door keys in front of me, and then lifted her skirt and placed them inside her knickers.
Escape! Escape! Crazy lady alert! Do whatever you have to do, just get the hell outta there. And be careful - she may be dangerous.
"Ok.....why don't you go and slip into something more comfortable while I just use the bathroom."
As she headed off towards the bedroom, I locked myself in the toilet. The window looked small, but I could get through it.
I breathed in and squeezed through the gap. Once my feet hit the floor, I ran as fast as I could. Only when I was completely out of the street did I stop to get my breath back.
I sat down on a bench, and noticed a mother with a small girl staring at me. After 10 seconds or so, the mother approached me.
"You should be ashamed of yourself, you.....you..... pervert! I've got a mind to call the police!"
I suddenly became aware of the issue that was bothering the woman. In my haste to escape, I hadn't bothered to get changed. The crotch-less trousers and lycra combination was further accentuated by the erection that was straining against the thin material.
Where the fuck did that come from?
I headed off down the street to the stares of everyone who saw me. One woman even stopped to take a picture.
If this is the price of charity, then charity can kiss my ass. Right now, I'm my own good cause. After all, mental homes are seriously under-funded in this country.
User Reviews
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-03-28 09:40:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice. i can always vividly picture the stories you tell, and i agree with inion real pictures would have made this one of my favorite posts.
Submitted by Trevor1st93 (user info) at 2007-03-28 00:30:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should post more often. You're the only guy who regularly makes me laugh anyone. All the good people seem to have stopped posting.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-27 19:21:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
real pictures would be nice.
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No, they wouldn't.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-03-27 19:02:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hilarious
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-03-27 17:45:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never understood this element of British humor, deliberately & completely embarassing oneself.
Submitted by ThatsGodToYouBitches (user info) at 2007-03-27 08:29:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not one of your best, but still way better than any piece of shit post I could come up with
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-27 05:59:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A damn fine read as usual Mr G. I dressed up as a waitress for Red nose day; i kind of liked it too.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2007-03-26 23:56:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not believable but it sure was funny.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-03-26 20:52:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
formulaic from the title on down.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-26 20:31:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-03-26 20:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-03-26 18:00:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
pom
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-03-26 17:48:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wild, man.
just wild.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-03-26 17:07:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
entertaining as always
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-03-26 16:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny as hell!!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-03-26 16:29:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Escape! Escape! Crazy lady alert!
This made me laugh.
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2007-03-26 16:12:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit, with a 1.59 this is your lowest-rated post ever.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-26 15:16:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hi Crystle.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-03-26 15:05:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice.
That's why I've never been in an action.
That and I've never been asked to be...
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:58:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want you to father my children.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-26 12:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think of myself when I go "blammo."
Analyze that.
====
If you actually SAY "blammo", then that'd be worth the price of admission.
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"Blammo...lights out, bitch!" is the full line, really.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:58:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
£240?!?
Damn, that's a nice pile of cash. Was she THAT bad?
Submitted by Timmaaaaah (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
teeny bit predictable, get back to the old fun Joey!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:35:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sitting in bathtubs filled with baked beans.
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auto +2 for the Who reference.
Does this sort of thing actually happen in Britain?
Not necessarily the slave part, I mean the general part of wankery disguised as charity...
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:10:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-26 12:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think of myself when I go "blammo."
Analyze that.
====
If you actually SAY "blammo", then that'd be worth the price of admission.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-26 13:08:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-26 12:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think of myself when I go "blammo."
Analyze that.
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egO above
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-03-26 12:56:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Desolate Dickhead's back up account is my guess.
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hmm... I doubt it. I noticed he gave out a couple +2's.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-26 12:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-26 12:34:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think of myself when I go "blammo."
Analyze that.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-03-26 12:01:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:53:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:52:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
real pictures would be nice.
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No, they wouldn't.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:46:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!WATER!WATER!WATER!
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:42:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm beginning to doubt the veracity of these...
Good though.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:38:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another good read.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
real pictures would be nice.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey........you painted quite a picture with this one.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:36:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-03-26 16:35:06 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
who is this tracer person and what did we all do to him?
--------------
Desolate Dickhead's back up account is my guess.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:35:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice read.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
who is this tracer person and what did we all do to him?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:33:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic as always.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:20:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny again.
Submitted by Tracer0351 (user info) at 2007-03-26 11:18:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
!FIRE! !FIRE! !FIRE!