Worthless Story + camwhore (1237 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 0.83 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Unabonger (View user info) at 2007-03-26 21:42:16 EDT
in relation to: http://www.ubersite.com/m/100065
Liz was probably a very ugly child. She didn't quite make my cut. Not like I'm too picky, mind you, but I do have standards. She was just below them. Sub-par if you will. She had a nice body, in her defense, and her face wasn't really too terrible but there was something about her. And, through the drunken haze of that night, I can't today put my thumb on exactly what it was, more of a combination of things probably. But something about this girl was fugly. She had huge funbags but they were super droopy and big-nippled and she wore a sports bra cause a regular bra (you know, the kind you wear when you want to go out and get laid) "hurts my sides!! boo hoo?". She wore too much makeup and had big Texas hair. And she acted...well...
I was introduced to her by the red head in my uberdirectory camwhore. I really wanted to bang the redhead at the time but she had a boyfriend and she decided to hook me up with snaggletooth. Anyway, I'm spending my time flirting with Red and I have some friends over and we're drinking and having a good time and all. One thing leads to another and we're playing highschool bullshit like strip poker. Red and her friend Liz lost. Someone around then suggested a wrestling match and Liz, very drunk and Red, always up for giving the men around her a boner, agreed.
Naked girly wrestling night at Unabonger's pad! YAY! I remember my next door neighboor coming over breifly. I always invited him over during a shindig up to that point but he always refused. He came over that night and, since then, knocked on my door every night to see what was up. Sadly, naked girly wrestling night never occured but whatever. Back to Liz.
Liz was super drunk. She's saying outlandish shit like a bitch in heat trying to get any guy in the place to shag her. Nobody's biting. Red and I start making out. Her boyfriend gets off work and comes over. Everyone leaves and I'm left with damaged pride and a slightly sore set of testicles. Liz calls me.
Liz: You want I should (hic) come back over??
Unabonger: ummm...
Unabonger's brain: I'll never forgive you.
Unabonger's cack: What the hell, it's pussy.
Unabonger's brain: No. Absolutely not. There is no way.
Unabonger's eyes: Hey guys, thought I'd let you know, Dave left half a bottle of Makers Mark on the counter. Just some FYI there.
Unabonger's brain: I suppose I can make an exception.
Unabonger: Sure come over.
Unabonger's cack: Right on!
She comes over and I start drinking like it's going illegal tomorrow. I get completely shnockered on whiskey and we start shagging. I can't get off. It sucks. I'm doing what I can, she's moaning like a stuck sea lion, I'm not soft but I'm laying pipe with a semi if you get me. I get bored. After sweating out more of the liquor, boredom starts to turn into disgust...then to humiliation. I pulled my dick out of her, got up, threw my robe on and, I'll never forget my words, I said:
"I'm getting in the shower, why don't you get the fuck out of here?"
I didn't wait for a response, walked into the bathroom, locked the door, and turned on the shower. She knocked on the door a couple times but I was busy finishing myself off and didn't say anything. She called me for about a week or two but I never answered or returned her calls.
This story is 100% true (which is why it's not more entertaining). I'm a bad person (or I was then) and Liz, if you're out there, I'm sorry for being so coarse.
Don't act like a drunk whore and maybe you'll get more respect but that doesn't excuse my choice of words.
User Reviews
Submitted by The-Armed-Samurai (user info) at 2008-07-05 14:44:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by mr-bee (user info) at 2007-03-28 09:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i think you are a unfunny cunt.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-03-28 18:27:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you probably should not have said the word 'fuck' to her
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-28 15:09:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah?
okay. fuck yourself then.
Submitted by mr-bee (user info) at 2007-03-28 09:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i think you are a unfunny cunt.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-27 15:09:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-27 10:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
wow, you're a dick. but i still kinda laughed so i feel like a cunt.
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dick and a cunt?
you two should get together.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-27 14:58:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-03-27 10:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know the German terrorists from the Die Hard movies...are you one of them?
No, honestly...you are, arent you?
____
yes. I'm the Nazi from Raiders too.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-27 10:29:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
wow, you're a dick. but i still kinda laughed so i feel like a cunt.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-03-27 10:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
YOU ARE ONE UGLY SON OF A BITCH. SHAVE THAT GROTESQUE MESS OFF YOUR FACE.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bTIklFsMjjU
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-03-27 10:08:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know the German terrorists from the Die Hard movies...are you one of them?
No, honestly...you are, arent you?
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2007-03-27 08:51:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahahah...i love rorrim
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-27 07:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You and frankthebear look like twins.....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-03-27 06:00:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You're an ugly asshole... But you already knew, huh?
Send the bitch your apologies...dickhead.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-03-26 23:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't know how to feel about this. It was kind of funny, yet sufficiently mean. The real question is, how are you getting above 0 with this? I find it hard to get behind a protagonist who was that mean to someone who really didn't deserve it, no matter how hilarious a quip he used.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-26 23:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never done it before, but if a man said that to me I'd probably kick him in the dick.
+2 picz plz
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-03-26 23:27:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I'm getting in the shower, why don't you get the fuck out of here?"
000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
NNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
very Bukowski of you.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-26 23:23:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shut the fuck up, maltese.
man i have a million of these tales.
once I fucked a retard by accident.
true story.
-------
sweet jesus
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-03-26 23:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus christ.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:52:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shut the fuck up, maltese.
man i have a million of these tales.
once I fucked a retard by accident.
true story.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:44:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Unfunniest reply ever below.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:41:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The only "crush" you'll be having is a horse crush you in your futile attempts to compulate with it, à la Catherine the Great.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:40:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Maltese has a cruch on me. All you have to do is tell them to shut up and the bitches are all over you.
by bitches I meant Maltese.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:39:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
It's only irony if there's iron in it.
Like coppery or nickely.
DONT YOU READ TEH DICKTIONARY LOLZ
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:39:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
for sure.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't fucking bring Sandy into this.
On a side note, I think it's funny that Maltese showed up right behing me here.
At least we can agree on the irony there.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:38:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wat r u mad just cuz u tk him 2da bar|?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:37:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shut the fuck up Maltese. Go fuck your mail order.
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:33:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lol u tk him 2da bar|?
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:21:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Really, Zebra? I thought it was a character study possibly involving a Sandra Bullock type as the your girl who brings my shamelessness out and makes me realize there's more to life than this promiscuity and apathy towards direction in my professional career.
But whatever.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When I was 18 I banged a big fat ugly 40 year old chick that was a friend of my step-mother's.
I accidentally left my necktie at her house and she called me for a week suggesting I come and get it.
Naturally I never saw that necktie again.
My step-mother found out and was disgusted, with her, and, to a slightly less extent, me.
I've done some pretty stupid shit in my life.
Sometimes gotta wonder how I've made it this friggin far.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:15:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is a stupid, boring post.
If it's really true, perhaps you should apologize to the girl personally instead of ridiculing her on the internet.
Exaggerate and fictionalize your life experiences if you expect them to be an interesting read.
This was like JoeyG without humor, wit, or style.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:13:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
u looka like jeffrey dahmer
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-03-26 22:00:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-26 21:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't think you did anything wrong.
I've used the same line on Mrs. Shlongy.
---------------
<generic "who hasn't" type comment>
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-26 21:56:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I don't think you did anything wrong.
I've used the same line on Mrs. Shlongy.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-26 21:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha you're an asshole! (Or you were then.)