Another Day, Another HIV Infected Homosexual With A Heart Condition (1606 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.97 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-03-29 10:17:10 EDT
The idea of a career change has never been something I've contemplated before.
However, after 6 years of doom and gloom, and dealing with death on a daily basis, I've had a little time to reflect, and maybe it's something I should seriously consider.
It's not the nature of the work I do that causes the problem.
It's how we go about it.
The whole operation is a fucking shambles. From the sales pitch to the claim, the entire process is fraught with cons, misinformation, and liberal sprinklings of 'if you were to die tomorrow...."
We deceive our customers, and we deceive our re-assurers, in order that they cover 80% of our payouts. Without these people, our company would go into liquidation in less than 6 months.
After recently predicting the imminent deaths of a large number of clients, I was asked to provide details of said people, even if it meant calling them and subtly extracting the information.
Based on extensive research (two hours in the pub saying 'what the fuck are we gonna do?') myself and two others concluded there was only one option:
We would complete the details based on an accurate assessment of the available information.
Ok, ok, so maybe 'we lied and second guessed the details based on some half-assed theories' would be a fairer way of putting it, but that's not the issue.
The point is that we produced a dubious report, which was just about credible enough to convince them that everything is fine. We lived to fight (and commit further malpractice) another day.
It's all a question of ethics, and it's not a new problem. We've been doing it for ages, and we're not the only ones. Small companies fighting for their tiny piece of the market share are often backed into corners; corners which they fight their way out of any way they can.
The corruption train begins with a single call from one of our advisors, who call random people and ask about their life insurance needs.
It's amazing that these 'random' people have recently purchased a home. Even more amazing that most of them have recently had an application for life insurance turned down by one of the mainstream companies.
Where do we get details of people who have just bought a house? NO-ONE KNOWS.
Where do we get decline details from other companies? NO-ONE KNOWS.
And above all, how do we know that they will end up applying to us?
Because they don't have any other fucking choice.
By seemingly sheer coincidence, we can pinpoint the people who are in need of our services. We are literally the be all and end all of 'accepting almost everyone'.
If you can't get cover with us, then you won't even be able take out that SAGA 'Over 50's' plan you wanted. That's right - you can kiss goodbye to that free carriage clock, bitch.
Drug addicts, alcoholics, people who partake in extreme sports - Whatever your lifestyle, we'll cover you - subject to a severe rating on your monthly payments.
I remember an Irish lady, who under the question 'please indicate how many units of alcohol you consume per week', stated 160 units.
As a rule, we add 15% to whatever people put down, because we know that most people are bigger liars than we are. So, as a rough guess, Mrs Paddywhack is putting away roughly 2 large bottles of vodka on a daily basis.
Rather than turning her away, we simply ask her to see her GP and have Liver Function Tests. These check the levels of various enzymes within the liver, and identify any disease.
We accepted her application, even though the results were sky high.
Not as high as her fucking premium though.
Another gentleman advised on his application that he was 5'1" and weighed 300lbs. Some people might have said that he was a bit of a portly fellow.
I said he was a fat bastard, and applied an extra 25% on top of his original quote. He couldn't get his head round this, and called me for an explanation.
"I've just had my insurance offer, but I think you've made a mistake. My monthly payments are higher than I was told they would be."
"That's right, sir. There's a letter enclosed that explains it all, sir."
"But it doesn't make sense. It says that my premium has been raised to reflect my height to weight ratio?"
"That's correct, sir."
"Are you charging me extra because you think I'm fat?"
"Not exactly, sir. You see, your height to weight ratio is, um.... just ever so slightly above the national average, sir."
Ever so slightly? This guy is off the fucking chart.
"What if I don't find this offer acceptable?"
I look at my screen, and the flashing 'xxd3' in the corner tells me he has been refused for cover at 3 other places in the last 6 months. I don't know how we know this, but I know we're not supposed to know.
"If you don't find it acceptable, you could always try another company. Sir."
We received his signed acceptance a few days later. One way or another, we get people like him to sign.
But by far the worst area to be is the claims department itself. You have to be a cold blooded fucker to work in there.
You have to be remorseless, heartless, and show no sign of emotion when refusing a claim on the grounds of non-disclosure. Think you can tell a sobbing widow that we're not going to pay out because old Mr Henderson forgot to tell us about a toe infection 12 years ago? Then this is the job for you.
You also have to maintain a sense of reality. You get calls from people who have just been told they have months to live, who want to check the details on their plans to make sure everything is ok for when they die.
You have to try and avoid phrases such as 'I know how you feel', 'it could be worse' and 'don't worry, we've got all the time in the world.'
The claims team are also responsible for collating results for the more serious tests before an application is accepted, namely HIV tests. These are requested for homosexuals, intravenous drug users, and people who have recently visited areas where the virus is widespread, such as certain African countries.
In my time on the team, I only ever came across one result that was positive.
I've changed the wording of the questions, and the personal details, but hopefully it'll give you an idea of what his application was like.
Name: Brutus McButtsecks
Occupation: Florist
Please indicate your sexual orientation (place an 'x' against your selection)
a) Straight
b) Bi
c) Faggot X
d) Lezzer
If you answered b, c or d, please provide full details of your sexual relations in the past 3 years, and indicate (if any) forms of protection / contraception.
I am currently in stable relationship with my partner. We have been together for 18 months, and have always practised safe sex. Prior to this, I did have several one night stands with members of the same sex, where no protection was used.
Amongst other things on the application, he admitted cocaine use, and that he had seen his GP recently and been given medication for mild angina. We sent him for an examination with an independent GP, and arranged a HIV test as standard.
This is where things can get messy.
Once the test is done, a copy is sent to the insurance company, and at the same time, a copy is sent to the customer's usual GP.
The NHS aren't the quickest at relaying results to the doctors. Therefore, we usually receive the results before the GP does.
If the test result is negative, then we can inform the customer. If the result is positive, the news has to come from their GP, or other suitably qualified medical worker who can give advice and offer counselling.
This can cause some problems if the customer contacts us.
"Hello, this is Mr McButtsecks. I had a medical and a blood test, have you received these yet?"
We had received the result the day before, and I spent 10 minutes staring at the positive result on the sheet.
"Yes, we've received everything."
"Is everything ok?"
"Well, the good news is that your angina is under control."
"And the bad news?"
"I didn't say anything about bad news."
"Do you have the results of my test?"
"Technically, yes."
"So, you can tell me the result, right?"
"Technically, no. It's not our policy to discuss test results."
"Oh my God. There's something wrong, isn't there? I've got AIDS, haven't I?"
"No! Not at all. You definitely don't have AIDS."
At least not yet, anyway. AIDS comes later.
"Oh God, thank you! That's fantastic news!"
"Mr McButtsecks, I strongly recommend that you should see your GP as soon as possible."
"Sure I'll make an appointment. Is this just to go over the examination and stuff?"
"Er...... sort of, yes."
"So, I can go ahead with the cover?"
"Not just yet I'm afraid. You'll need to speak to your GP, and of course, our underwriters will have to make their final assessment based on the examination and test."
Translates as: "No fucking chance, matey."
"Thank you! You've been a great help, and you've really put my mind at rest."
"You're welcome."
Translates as: "You're screwed."
At the end of the day, life insurance is a necessary, if somewhat nauseous necessity in every day life.
We lie, we cheat and we mislead in the name of profit.
But at least we can really appreciate a healthy fucking life when we have it.
Instead of complaining and bitching about the little things, why not step back and take a look around. Sure, the grass may be greener, the dope may be better and the alcohol may be that little bit sweeter...... but you can't enjoy that shit when you're gone.
Just remember - If someone tells you there's something wrong, then you'll be just fine.
It's when they keep quiet that you're in trouble. So when people make you worry - make the fucking most of it and keep on smiling.
User Reviews
Submitted by RyuFu (user info) at 2007-10-17 19:37:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-10-17 19:34:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Solid gold.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-10-17 18:46:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Monster
Submitted by shadow (user info) at 2007-10-17 18:20:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
holy jebus you work for SATAN.
I work for Satan's nephew, we bill cancer patients for medicine they cannot possibly need because they are dead.
We bill dead people.
All the time.
And when the family can't pay, we go after their life insurance, if they had any, or their estate. Which is why you and I will likely share a cozy room in the corner of Hell.
And by "Hell" I mean Ohio.
Submitted by MikeyB (user info) at 2007-10-17 17:53:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I repeat - life insurance sucks
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-19 16:45:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-04-18 18:26:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-03-31 06:51:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As an insurance broker myself, I wholeheartedly approve and sympathise with this post
Submitted by UberSavedMyLife (user info) at 2007-03-30 19:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"1. a comic, absurd, or incongruous quality causing amusement: the humor of a situation.
2. the faculty of perceiving what is amusing or comical: He is completely without humor.
3. an instance of being or attempting to be comical or amusing; something humorous: The humor in his joke eluded the audience.
4. the faculty of expressing the amusing or comical: The author's humor came across better in the book than in the movie.
5. comical writing or talk in general; comical books, skits, plays, etc.
6. humors, peculiar features; oddities; quirks: humors of life.
7. mental disposition or temperament.
8. a temporary mood or frame of mind: The boss is in a bad humor today.
9. a capricious or freakish inclination; whim or caprice; odd trait.
10. (in medieval physiology) one of the four elemental fluids of the body, blood, phlegm, black bile, and yellow bile, regarded as determining, by their relative proportions, a person's physical and mental constitution.
11. any animal or plant fluid, whether natural or morbid, as the blood or lymph.
-verb (used with object)
12. to comply with the humor or mood of in order to soothe or make content or more agreeable: to humor a child.
13. to adapt or accommodate oneself to.
—Idiom14. out of humor, displeased; dissatisfied; cross: The chef is feeling out of humor again and will have to be treated carefully.
Also, especially British, humour."
- dictionary.com definition....i reckon you file under most of the qualities, and for me: specifically number 10
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-30 11:36:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bushy (user info) at 2007-03-29 23:23:40 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
i get that, if from a slightly different perspective.
As a clerk in the emergency department i am responsible for escorting visitors in and out and fielding general patient enquiries. The catch is, not being medically trained i have no authority to comment on a patients health.
poor crying mum just wants to know if her motor bike riding son is going to live and i can't say anything. even if i know he's just broken his arm and he'll probably be fine, i have to keep my yap shut.
Tell you what, its about a thousand times harder to deal with when they're standing right in front of you
--------------
You poor bastard. It was bad enough on the phone. I don't think I could cope if someone was there with me.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-03-30 10:04:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-30 09:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-30 14:48:43 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-29 21:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Experima sandwich below.
--------------------------
Indeed. Were our balls touching? I sure hope not...
--------------------------
This is why you should always set out ground rules before engaging in something like this.....
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-30 09:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-29 21:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Experima sandwich below.
--------------------------
Indeed. Were our balls touching? I sure hope not...
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-30 01:35:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-30 02:58:38 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Experima sandwich below
------------
Mmmmmmmmm...... Experima saaandwich...
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-29 21:58:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Experima sandwich below.
Submitted by Plus2 (user info) at 2007-03-29 21:18:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-29 15:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-29 08:06:52 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy is ubersite's best writer, hands down.
Submitted by Benny (user info) at 2007-03-29 20:15:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
People from claims departments certainly can be pricks. My Dad had his car stolen once and the market value they came back with was based on a wholesalers market which he as a regular person had no access to. He told them to think again and they came back with a substantially higher offer.
How many people just fold though I wonder?
Submitted by Bushy (user info) at 2007-03-29 18:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i get that, if from a slightly different perspective.
As a clerk in the emergency department i am responsible for escorting visitors in and out and fielding general patient enquiries. The catch is, not being medically trained i have no authority to comment on a patients health.
poor crying mum just wants to know if her motor bike riding son is going to live and i can't say anything. even if i know he's just broken his arm and he'll probably be fine, i have to keep my yap shut.
Tell you what, its about a thousand times harder to deal with when they're standing right in front of you.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-29 18:14:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most enjoyable. I really like your writing, when I allot myself the time to read it.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-03-29 15:50:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-29 08:06:52 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy is ubersite's best writer, hands down.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-03-29 15:49:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
outstanding.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-29 15:32:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You sly bastard. Every post of yours makes me happier and happier I am alive and well.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-03-29 14:36:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I didn't say anything about bad news."
Pure, effing gold!
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-03-29 14:04:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Maltese (user info) at 2007-03-29 14:00:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lolz.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-03-29 13:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-29 13:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-29 18:37:54 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
This may sound pompous, but I've seen real growth in your work here.
Nice touches throughout.
A small example was the mention of an Irish lady, and then a sentence or two later using her name, Mrs. Paddywhack, without any other attention called to it.
The set up was just the right distance from the payoff, which was a minor joke but told perfectly.
This was subtle, and easily mishandled by a lesser writer who would not understand a throwaway.
-------------
Thanks dude. 'Preciated.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-03-29 13:37:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very nice.
This may sound pompous, but I've seen real growth in your work here.
Nice touches throughout.
A small example was the mention of an Irish lady, and then a sentence or two later using her name, Mrs. Paddywhack, without any other attention called to it.
The set up was just the right distance from the payoff, which was a minor joke but told perfectly.
This was subtle, and easily mishandled by a lesser writer who would not understand a throwaway.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-03-29 13:23:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I dont believe in hell.
I still believe that every man jack of you in that company are going there. I expect the big guy to create one just especially for you.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-03-29 13:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Just remember - If someone tells you there's something wrong, then you'll be just fine.
It's when they keep quiet that you're in trouble. So when people make you worry - make the fucking most of it and keep on smiling.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-03-29 12:52:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-03-29 12:38:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jesus and i thought i was going to hell.
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-03-29 12:36:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Whats up, Tyler Durden?
(or was that his alter ego who was the insurance guy?)
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-29 12:35:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2007-03-29 16:01:00 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sincerely hope that your company never finds Ubersite.
--------------------
Don't worry. They couldn't find their own asses if they were allowed to use both hands and a map.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-29 12:18:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-29 08:06:52 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy is ubersite's best writer, hands down.
---
Shh...don't let McCallum hear you.
Submitted by Comfortably_Numb (user info) at 2007-03-29 12:06:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"At least not yet, anyway. AIDS comes later."
I lost it here.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:57:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-29 08:06:52 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy is ubersite's best writer, hands down.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:54:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAPPETAI
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I could listen to your fucked up insurance stories all day long.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Insurance comapnies are fucking evil.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
jesus and i thought i was going to hell.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:08:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-03-29 16:02:28 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
are you an actuary or a risk analyst?
------------------
Analyst would be an accurate description of what I do, although my current role falls under project management. I've worked in new business, claims, finance (briefly), business development...
Nowadays I get invloved with strategy and pricing (lol!), which does involve a lot of liasing with actuarials.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:06:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This guy is ubersite's best writer, hands down.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:03:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:02:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
are you an actuary or a risk analyst?
Submitted by GetNakeddd (user info) at 2007-03-29 11:01:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sincerely hope I never have to deal with your company.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And I sincerely hope that your company never finds Ubersite.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:57:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
filename
HIV is a fertility treatment, of sorts. Just depends on your point of view.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:52:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-03-29 15:47:59 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you ever hear from the kicker of asses with HIV again?
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Thankfully, no. My time in claims was short lived, and I hightailed outta there at the first oppotunity.
According to the stats, most people who apply and test positive are actually the IV drug users.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Did you ever hear from the kicker of asses with HIV again?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:44:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOW on all accounts. Stop writing these gold epic tales. They make me look bad.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Think you can tell a sobbing widow that we're not going to pay out because old Mr Henderson forgot to tell us about a toe infection 12 years ago? Then this is the job for you."
-
I really miss those calls; they were great, but then I always was a heartless on of a bitch.
There was a little thing spread around some of our customers who told people to look at the signatory of the letters they receive first. If it said 'Drogo Roch, Claims bastard' Then there was no point reading the letter as it said NO; just very politely.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:32:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I bought shares when I first joined. How do you think I feel now?
----
Ah well, deaths a commodity, and we all make money of it somehow - just some more directly than others.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:30:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-03-29 15:24:24 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
I sincerely hope I never have to deal with your company.
----------
I bought shares when I first joined. How do you think I feel now?
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That last sentence was fucking ominous.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:24:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I sincerely hope I never have to deal with your company.
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-03-29 10:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2