Cherry Breaking Shenanigans (1023 hits)
Category: HumorRating: -0.04 on 32 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Lucinda Periac <lucindaperiac.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-03-30 21:48:52 EDT
It's difficult being female in the current social climate when it cums to sex (pun intended).
On the one hand you've got Sex and the City telling you that its cool to be "sexually liberated".
Yet elsewhere your teachers/parents/unlucky friends/bad government ads are telling you....don't
do it!! You ARE bound to catch some nasty disease...IF you're lucky, you'll end up pregnant with a
child you don't want,however even worse, you'll wind up suffering from AIDS/Gonorrhoea/Herpes etc etc...
What they don't tell you, is that exercising your organs, can lead to very painful strains.
So as a horny 19 year old starting out in a new city with new people, it's hard to know which decision is the right one to make.
Well i guess this whole story starts with me being 19, naive and in a brand new city, independent (ish) for the first time ever...and thoroughly unused to the easiness with which London's single market approaches making a deal, so to speak. Within a month or so of living there, i was suitably flattered by the male attention layered upon me (unawares that all that constitutes "date-able" in London for the male species is tits and no penis - i qualified), and eventually, the suave looking, and ever so exotic Portugese guy - Simaeo, living in the next door flat caught my attention. After 8 weeks of trying to catch his eye by leaving my room in just my carefully selected La Senza nightwear, he finally cottened on to my adolescent urges, and acted on it.
He approached me one evening, suggesting we go for a "drink" some night, and of course, being 19 and horny,i acquiesced. To cut a long story short, we didn't make it to the bar we intended to drink in, if my memory serves me correctly, he knocked on my door and...*ahem*...one thing led to another.
Really, despite my burning loins, i was attempting to play it cool (playing it fast and loose with the term cool i realise, but hormones play havoc with one's definition of cool in these situations). Anyhow by the time he'd gotten close to accessing the interior of my brassiere, he was fully stripped, and lets just say, a tad "vulnerable".
Things began to heat up and before i knew it my prowess as a female had gotten the better of him..and i suppose the nice way to express this would be...it got a bit more moist than was intended so soon on his part. As soon as the words "it's ok honey, it's not unusual" had passed my lips i realised that i was in fact mistaken...
I, in my innocence, had thought that he'd gotten a little TOO excited and pulled in to the station twenty minutes or so too early...sadly (for my ego) the situation on my part was misunderstood.
As i looked down to the offending excretion...i realised it was not, as previously thought his man-juice. Upon closer inspection (he'd insisted lights off) i realised that the malleable substance splayed upon my bed was in fact blood.
Mother Fucker..."surely that can't be me", i thought. And, bless the lord, correct i was. It appeared that Simeao - despite us not having gotten far enough for me to have reached his delicates (he evidently had been helping himself along) - had managed to tear skin tissue within his inner foreskin and was spurting blood from said injury, and henceforth left a trail of blood spots from the bed to the bathroom.
The only way to describe his panic and exit would be as resembling that of Speedy Gonzales on the run from Daffy after a particularly injurous assult to his duckness.
I've heard the saying "don't trust someone who can bleed 4 days a month without dying"....but i personally live by "don't trust someone who's penis erupts in fountains of blood without dying"... and thank God that we managed to avoid each other for the following 5 months that i lived in that building.
User Reviews
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-04-02 16:49:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I don't blame you as much as I blame sideshow for responding to this and putting it on top of the list where I saw it and clicked on it.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-02 16:25:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That sucks, I guess. lets hope that the next guy you try to get with is at least normal....
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-02 12:32:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're making an attempt at being entertaining, and for that, you get a +2
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-02 06:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-03-31 21:20:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hmm I see your point, however I feel in order to defend my chosen vocabulary I should explain that when I mentioned the "naive" character trait, I had intended to imply that she's naive (and yes it's fiction) in terms of judging motives in sexual politics, (a little like a 16 yr old politics student...they soon learn it's majority bull shit)rather than being naive about intercourse. And "prowess as a female" was more of a reference to her ability to utilise her sexuality, and an ironic reference at that, does that validate the choice of words for you?
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I'm just saying, it could have been better had you chosen specific words better. The words you chose didn't convey the image you were trying to portray.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-03-31 19:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+1 for the story.
-1 for the lame pun.
Warner Brothers really jumped the shark when they came up with Speedy Gonzalez.
Don't mind me.
Submitted by UberSavedMyLife (user info) at 2007-03-31 19:11:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-31 19:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Never use another pun on Uber for the rest of your life.
______________________________
my god, you are so witty it hurts
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-03-31 19:05:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Never use another pun on Uber for the rest of your life.
Submitted by UberSavedMyLife (user info) at 2007-03-31 18:58:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
To be honest can't argue with that, yes there is a HUGE difference between unwanted and unplanned -i should have considered the phrasing before spewing it out UTI, i'm the kind of person that can happily say that, should i get pregnant unplanned i would be happy with the results no matter what. But some times i have to face up to the idea that some people just don't think like that, particularly in the job i do, where recently a 7 year old child related to me that her father had told her for her birthday this year she was getting a miscarried brother/sister, charming. My previous statement was made on the basis of my personal views on the matter and doesn't encompass the general results of unplanned pregnancies, and i must put forward my regrets for not relating my views on the matter more lucidly.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-31 18:44:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Unplanned and unwanted are NOT the same thing, and your comment about an unwanted child having "far more positive effects," while acknowledging the physical and emotional effects of a disease but NOT the emotional effects of (not to mention TO) a child is astounding to me. Several of the societal issues in this country, anyway, can likely be traced back to just how wanted many children actually are, not to mention the possible psychological effects a woman who chooses NOT to have or raise her child may be.
It sounds to me as if you have a very simplistic view of what a parent should be, aside from someone with the ability to physically produce a child- and a very idealistic view of the reaction to unwanted pregnancies. I could be wrong, but at least your language makes it sound this way to me.
I'm not saying children aren't a blessing to some people, nor that STDs are welcome..but that comparison just sounds ridiculous to me.
Submitted by UberSavedMyLife (user info) at 2007-03-31 18:14:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You believe it's LUCKIER to end up with an "unwanted" child than gonorrhea?
____________________________
actually yes i do, because even if a child is unplanned, eventually (at least for most of the human race) the "unwanted" child will become wanted and loved...basic animal instincts can't be denied. whereas std's, if not fatal, at best can only provide the bearer of the disease with ill health (not considering the emotional effects), the results of an "unwanted" (read: unplanned) child have far more positive effects, and i believe that no matter the incompetence of a soon-to-be parent it is more a blessing to be forced to realise that you aren't the centre of the universe because there is soon to be something far more important than yourself, than end up with your bits falling off.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-03-31 18:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
IF you're lucky, you'll end up pregnant with a
child you don't want,however even worse, you'll wind up suffering from AIDS/Gonorrhoea/Herpes etc etc...
===
You believe it's LUCKIER to end up with an "unwanted" child than gonorrhea?
For you, or for the child?
Submitted by UberSavedMyLife (user info) at 2007-03-31 17:34:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-03-31 15:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
At first I thought this should have been a myspace entry.
But I was willing to continue.
You say you are naive at 19 yet you used your "prowess as a female." I'd think they are mutually exclusive. Unless you've been well used. But I could be wrong. I strive to keep an open mind.
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Hmm I see your point, however I feel in order to defend my chosen vocabulary I should explain that when I mentioned the "naive" character trait, I had intended to imply that she's naive (and yes it's fiction) in terms of judging motives in sexual politics, (a little like a 16 yr old politics student...they soon learn it's majority bull shit)rather than being naive about intercourse. And "prowess as a female" was more of a reference to her ability to utilise her sexuality, and an ironic reference at that, does that validate the choice of words for you?
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-03-31 16:41:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
For making me look at a pen0r.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-03-31 15:58:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/100208
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-03-31 15:47:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for bleeding penises.
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-03-31 15:05:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
At first I thought this should have been a myspace entry.
But I was willing to continue.
You say you are naive at 19 yet you used your "prowess as a female." I'd think they are mutually exclusive. Unless you've been well used. But I could be wrong. I strive to keep an open mind.
It could have been so much better.
But I guess it's good to titillate the boys. Well done.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-03-31 14:29:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad. First time you've made me smile.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-03-31 09:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
That can be quite disturbing, i know from personal experience !
1 positive side of it; it hardly ever happens again...
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-03-31 07:42:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-03-31 06:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dear lord.
oh btw this is just another argument for teh joos
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-03-31 06:11:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dear lord.
oh btw this is just another argument for teh joos
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-03-31 05:54:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dear lord
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-03-31 02:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
*shudder*
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-03-31 01:12:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"just think how hard it would be to grab a monkey and fuck it"
dave chapelle, for what its worth
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-03-31 00:23:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Take two aspirin and three doses of strychnine, and call me in the morning.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-03-30 23:18:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking maroons. This wasn't that bad.
Submitted by UberSavedMyLife (user info) at 2007-03-30 23:04:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-30 22:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yeeeeeeah. I'm gonna need you to quit writing stories like this one.
And come in on sunday.
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hahaha sunday it is
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2007-03-30 22:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Ewww...uncircumcised...
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-03-30 22:46:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
yeeeeeeah. I'm gonna need you to quit writing stories like this one.
And come in on sunday.
Submitted by UberSavedMyLife (user info) at 2007-03-30 22:33:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
perhaps this was just badly written, or just a bad story, i'm happy to take that either way...what i'm genuinely puzzled about is, that you're shocked about it not being my 1st post...can you elaborate...can i take from this (an experiment i've considered for a while) that sex stories only go down well from the men? (pun not intended, but upon re-reading...appreciated)
Submitted by d_a_m (user info) at 2007-03-30 22:10:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Shocked to discover that this was not your first post.