Agatha (780 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.21 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (View user info) at 2007-04-01 13:59:14 EDT
Agatha Ruhnstal had worked in the bakery for forty years, making the same cakes, pies, and pastries from scratch, just as her mother and grandmother before her. No recipes existed, but nothing ever varied from day to day or year to year. People would elbow each other to be first in line in the morning, when everything was fresh.
A strawberry turnover or a cream-filled scone was the highlight of the morning to Valerie and Lisa, the local twins. The days they couldn't stop at the bakery were usually a disaster . One of them would fail a test at school, trip and skin her knee, or maybe tear clothing on something sharp. Agatha's pastries fixed everything.
Tuesday morning drizzled rain on the twins as they headed for Agatha's store, each thinking to herself what she would order. A mushy morning might call for a mushy bear claw, or maybe a gooey piece of marzipan. The fire truck and ambulance in front of the bakery brought them out of their daydreams, wondering what had happened. The yellow tape across the sidewalk meant nothing to them as they stepped over it.
The big cop with vomit spraying from behind his hand almost knocked the girls over as he ran from the store. Lisa felt her stomach rumble and gave silent thanks that she had not yet eaten, for she surely would have added to the slimy pile left by the fleeing officer.
Valerie's scream brought Lisa out of her prayerful thoughts. Her sister's screaming face left no doubt that she was looking at something hideous, and she wondered what could be more upsetting than a huge pile of police puke. She stumbled forward and peered at the floor behind the counter. Her insides made it clear that they were wanting to escape, empty or not.
Agatha Ruhnstal had one finger in the socket where the man's eye used to be, blood dripping onto his cheek. Her other arm was halfway to her elbow down the man's throat as she said over and over, "Daddy, I told you a hundred times, nobody eats for free, not even you."
User Reviews
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-13 20:24:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yay ratings!!!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-04 00:11:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I knew you couldn't stay mad at me for long, Bubba.
NOW EASE UP ON THE BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-03 23:00:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-04-03 22:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you Bubba
*********
Thanks, dude/dudette. I appreciate all the help I can get :)
Submitted by locksly (user info) at 2007-04-03 22:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like you Bubba
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-03 22:30:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, Holy Sheep Shit, Martha, and Zebra. This has a higher rating than most posts.
FUCK YOU ZEEB THE HEEB!!
Fucking cocksucker....
Sorry, people, but Zebra has not the balls to post, so I believe his shit means nothing.
Thanks for playing...
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-04-03 22:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glorious.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-03 21:35:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Hey Robbie! Yeah, you, Bergster!! Kiss my hindquarters! Ya fuckin donk. :)
Lungfish, you are cool people.
Zebra, blow me.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-03 03:59:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
paul_anthony is a retaliatory -2 bombing faggot
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-03 01:24:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YEAH, ROB!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BUBBA JUST TOLD ME TO SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
DAMN!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-03 00:29:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-02 23:53:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK MEEEEE!!! Rob, you made me so pissed I +2ed myself!!!!
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hehe
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-02 23:53:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
FUCK MEEEEE!!! Rob, you made me so pissed I +2ed myself!!!!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-02 23:52:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Robbie, looking childish is my forte in life.
I didn't YELL AT LUNGFISH!!! I just basically told him to STFU.
Zebra is a fucktard who, even if he is right, has no business ranking others when he has not the balls to post on his own. "Oh, I cannot post because I am a REAL writer who is worried about my copyrights."
BULLLLLLSHIIITTT!!! He's a fucking loser who doesn't want us to see his work!!! FUCK HIM!!!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-02 12:14:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was fucking weird... I also think it was kick ass.
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Now, Bubba - I understand that you don't like Zebra for whatever reason - BUT while certainly only opinion - most of what it said is completely valid and you would do well to be a little more gracious that someone took the time to make such constructive comments.
Seems to me a simple 'thanks, but I don't agree' might be a little more appropriate; otherwise you come off looking a little bit childish.
And stop yelling at Lungfish, meanie.
.02
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Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-02 11:38:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Police puke.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-04-02 11:06:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Absolutely dreadful.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-02 09:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT'S MY FALAFEL
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-04-02 09:32:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Intense.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-02 07:23:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's about time that you produce something half way worth reading. Good for you, Bubba. I'm rounding up because you need +2's to feel good, you oaf.
Submitted by paul_anthony (user info) at 2007-04-02 06:42:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-04-02 01:43:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well thats all kinds of fucked up.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-01 23:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Okay. Jesus. I'll never talk about Zebra again to you.
Submitted by MitchRohr (user info) at 2007-04-01 22:34:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
agatha dosent fuck about. i like that in a woman
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-01 20:24:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-01 18:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What guideline, for chrissake? I was only pointing out that Zebra offered some constructive criticism...not in a rude manner...and thought Bubba might benefit from it. Isn't constructive criticism a good thing? Don't serious writer's appreciate constructive criticism.
I don't give a shit that Zebra hasn't posted. He's insightful.
But Bubba hates Zebra, because Zebra rates honestly.
It seems only Ghola can see the value in being criticized. Everybody else just wants a stupid +2 (erm, which doesn't really mean anything, folks).
ps, I've had a buzz on for 20 hours.
*********
Lunger, I can take shit with the best of them, just not from a brainless fool who is too gutless to post. You believe all you wish in his insightfulness. Don't tell me who I hate.
Just drink your beer, keep your buzz, and leave ZebraButt to his devices, and me to mine.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-01 19:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-01 18:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What guideline, for chrissake? I was only pointing out that Zebra offered some constructive criticism...not in a rude manner...and thought Bubba might benefit from it. Isn't constructive criticism a good thing? Don't serious writer's appreciate constructive criticism.
I don't give a shit that Zebra hasn't posted. He's insightful.
But Bubba hates Zebra, because Zebra rates honestly.
It seems only Ghola can see the value in being criticized. Everybody else just wants a stupid +2 (erm, which doesn't really mean anything, folks).
ps, I've had a buzz on for 20 hours.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-01 18:10:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-01 16:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rate it HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!
Just don't use the opinion of a prick too gutless to post as your guideline.
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Zebra HAS posted though: http://www.ubersite.com/u/Jack_McCallum
(Just kidding Horse87...sorry, Wisher...sorry, Jack)
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-04-01 18:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Eh.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-01 17:56:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Just don't use the opinion of a prick too gutless to post as your guideline."
Zero for the post but +2.37billon for that
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-04-01 16:34:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This brought me up short....I like that.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-01 16:29:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-01 16:27:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeezul...
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-01 16:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-01 16:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, see? Aren't Zebra's comments more helpful than my meaningless +2?
I'm trying to rate more honestly...and have been doing as such, for the most part.
This post deserves a "0," really. Worth reading, but I know you can do better. I'm sorry that I've failed you. Not really.
*************
Rate it HOWEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT!
Just don't use the opinion of a prick too gutless to post as your guideline.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-01 16:25:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Poor Zebra. Now everybody's going to expect an insightful review. That's a lot of work, reviewing.
My favorite days here were when everybody ignored me. Now I've got people putting me on lists and shit and telling me to fuck off in all CAPS (the fucking numbnuts...that is, Habeeb).
Alas, as my old friend, Julie, used to say, "Drink more beer, Danny. Drink more beer." Okay, Julie. I will.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-01 16:16:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Now, see? Aren't Zebra's comments more helpful than my meaningless +2?
I'm trying to rate more honestly...and have been doing as such, for the most part.
This post deserves a "0," really. Worth reading, but I know you can do better. I'm sorry that I've failed you. Not really.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-01 15:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This was not very good. It's a climax in search of a story.
Some of your word choices are odd and would benefit from examination.
For example, a 'pile' of vomit was in there a couple of times and sounds weird.
And "Her insides made it clear that they were wanting to escape, empty or not" is very awkwardly constructed.
Plus, it's not her insides that want to escape, but the contents of her stomach, right?
The morning compared to a bear claw is interesting, but would be better without using 'mushy' for both, especially since you subsequently use 'gooey.' If alliteration or simply repetition was your aim, it was, like the entire story, half baked. (pun intended)
You have a great sentence in the middle of the tale:
"Agatha's pastries fixed everything."
That would make an excellent first line to a longer, more developed story.
The ending is cheap and gratuitous because you changed focus from Agatha to the twins.
Agatha is obviously the more interesting protagonist, especially in a tale so brief.
The ending was unearned, merely existing for shock value and nothing more.
Also, the twins should step UNDER the police tape, not over.
I could go on, but I'll stop lest the word count of my review exceed that of your story.
Submitted by Poots (user info) at 2007-04-01 14:18:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool ending.
I did the same to my pa once when I caught him having sex with one of my ho's. Don't nobody get a blow fo free on poots' clock. Dats what dem hos is fo. Make my mo fuckin rent and my mo fuckin cah payment an my mo fuckin fishin trip payments. See I like ho's, cahs, an fishin... you fuck wit dat and I will dice up yo guts. Or stick my arm halfway down yo throat and gouge yo motha fuckin eye out.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-01 14:14:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mmm...
ummm...
ewww...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-01 14:09:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-04-01 14:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like your posts, did you know that?
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Nap time...almost.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-04-01 14:04:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i like your posts, did you know that?
my one bit of crit: make it more of a narrative and cut out the telling (that'd probably thicken the piece a bit)