jesus saves (590 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.23 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by thecrystalship (View user info) at 2007-04-03 10:16:21 EDT
I looked out my window to see my parents wooden paneled wagon sitting in the driveway. I walked over the the closed bathroom door and yelled inside.
"Can you give me a ride tonight?"
"What do you think?"
My sister took gratification by being in her position of prevalence, but I had gotten used to it. It was starting to get dark when my friend Ray showed up. He never knocked, he just walked right in and found me.
"Are you ready!?!"
The quick pace and high tone of his voice exposed his agitated excitement. I knew why he was excited of course, for it was tonight that we would infiltrate the cult that lived a few miles away from my house. After an enthusiastic, yet silent, 3 mile country walk we stood in the road in front of our destination. We uneasily started walking toward the door when not within 20ft it sprang open and a larger older gentleman appeared before us.
"Why hello there! You boys come inside now."
Our blood ran cold as we walked into the house. House? This was no house, this was a cathedral. A red carpet ran down the middle of a few pews, and in the front of the room stood a platform and an alter. I looked up to see a domed ceiling with religious paintings, everything was just like you would see in any church.
"Feel free to look around."
The man seemed friendly so we walked up to the alter and looked around at all the religious articles. I looked upon silver crucifixes, rosaries, burning candles, and other things which I did not understand at the time.
"You boys must want to meet Kate and Sarah. They're upstairs, go on up."
We hadn't spoken a word since arriving; we only did what we were told and so we immediately took to walking toward the winding stairs and then up the creaking wooden steps. As we journeyed higher the house started to take on the form of a ordinary house, and eventually the cathedral was far behind us as we stood at the top of the steps. We looked down the hallway to see a solitary door open, and so we walked in. It was dark inside, there was a light on, but it casted a limited yellow glow.
"Who are you?"
I turned around to see a blonde girl about the age of 9 standing next to me in a white sundress.
"Hi, I'm Tom"
She walked over and sat down near a corner of the room on the dusty old floor. Ray and I both walked over and sat down a few feet from her. It was then that I noticed another girl, a little taller, maybe a little older sitting in the dark corner wearing the same type of dress, but it was too dark to see either of their faces.
"Do you like ice-cream?"
The question surprised me, why would she be asking me that? I felt more like playing a game of jumping jacks or marbles then I felt like eating ice-cream on this dirty floor. She put her finger in front of my face.
"Lick it off."
She had ice-cream running off her finger. It was crazy, it was just crazy, but I was at that age were girls fascinated me and so I licked the ice-cream off of her finger.
"Mmm, that's just how daddy likes it."
"What the hell?"
I looked over at Ray and then we heard a door slam from downstairs.
"What's going on up there?
I got up and took off running first and Ray followed right on my heels. We managed to make it out of the front door seconds before the old man reached it. We ran out to the road and waved down an approaching car.
"Where do you boys live?"
I gave the lady my address and then her husband started for my house. My sister was in the driveway just about to get into the wagon as we pulled in. Ray and I got out of the car and so did the man and woman who were kind enough to give us the ride, just then the old man came tearing into our driveway with a old green pickup truck. He locked up the brakes which dragged all four tires through the gravel, and then he immediately jumped out when it came to a stop.
Time slowed, every second lasted five. The lever action rifle was drawn and pointed at my sister. She didn't even have time to scream. BANG! She fell to the ground as he cocked the gun, and pointed it at our driver. BANG! As he fell and let out a painful moan the sound of an empty shell hit the ground. PING, CLING, TING. His wife had started to run, while the man cocked the gun again. BANG! The precision of his shots was outstanding. I looked at his face, he had such conviction, it was remarkable to witness a man of such faith doing the work of the Lord. My friend was standing inches from me, and he too soon fell, but I did not flinch, I didn't even blink. I couldn't move; I just stood there watching him while the wrath of God poured out from his rifle.
"Get in the truck boy."
He went into my house and then came back a few minutes later. He drove me to my new home and then he left to take care of some unfinished business. A man of God must not rest when there is work to be done.
User Reviews
Submitted by Flying_buttmonkey (user info) at 2007-04-05 07:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Although it pains me, I agree with Zebra. It reads rushed and the ending seems violent for violence's sake. All in all, 'meh' at best.
Sorry.
Submitted by sexualchocolate1984 (user info) at 2007-04-05 06:48:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
meh, empty.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-04 03:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm being staliked on the internet by a -2 bombing faggot paul_anthony (alias lukecart)
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2007-04-03 18:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'll wait a few weeks then take your comments into consideration and give it a good old retry. Although I still believe that you are all assholes, I fear some of you may have valid points.
Look for the repost someday soon.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:06:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I especially liked the part where the boy learned to love again.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-04-03 14:52:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it was ok but it just seemed...empty, i guess
zebra said it best here i beleive
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-03 14:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
as much as I fucking hate Zebra, he's absolutely correct here
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-03 12:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh ya...
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-03 12:39:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
A slightly interesting idea poorly implemented.
What on earth makes you think such an event can elicit empathy when told with such brevity?
I simply didn't care about anyone, which makes a story such as this egregiously forgettable.
Mass murder can certainly be banal, but relating it should not be boring.
NEVER put in sound effects like BANG.
The dialogue was weak, what little there was.
The exchange with the little girl was particularly ham-handed.
"That's the way daddy likes it," or some such nonsense.
Jesus pleezus.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-04-03 12:14:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a ring that says Jesus Saves.
I indent drunkards heads with it when I need $$$ for beer.
Then go back to the bar and spit roast their wife with a pal.
Submitted by ICO (user info) at 2007-04-03 12:07:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I liked it. Not stupendously overwhelming, but surely an entertaining read.
Submitted by simple_catalyst (user info) at 2007-04-03 11:53:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-04-03 11:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No, do you need an explanation? A psycho cult leader kills an entire family, a friend, and two strangers. The boy is touched by God during this event and the psycho cult leader realizes this and takes him back to the cult.
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I would think the psycho cult leader thought of HIMSELF as God. But that is just my opinion.
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He went into my house and then came back a few minutes later. He drove me to my new home and then he left to take care of some unfinished business. A man of God must not rest when there is work to be done.
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Just left him there, hmmm? No guards or some such to keep the kid there? I mean he just got done witnessing the murders yet he calmly stays in the cult leader's home?
In all fairness, the valium is still doing it's lovely magic and nothing I say could be making sense to you.
But as I said, it has potential.
Good luck.
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-04-03 11:24:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Work on it more.
It was interesting but nonetheless odd. Disturbing. Which isn't a bad thing.
It has potential to be better.
Perhaps start it off with the killings and then going back to explain what led up to it. Then you could continue and add more to the story.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-03 11:05:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Jesus saves......at Wal-Mart.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-03 11:03:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um....fence-sitting on this one. Worth the read for sure, but the sentence structure and confusing storyline detracts.
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Shut the fuck up, it reads great except for my grammatical errors.
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Want more specifics? It was fine until the last four paragraphs, where the comma misuse is confusing. Plus I had no clue that your main character was "touched by God", and would never had known if you hadn't mentioned it in the reviews.
On second pass through it is more readable though, so upping the average rating to a 1, as with a little polish this could be awesome.
Submitted by TheCrystalShip (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um....fence-sitting on this one. Worth the read for sure, but the sentence structure and confusing storyline detracts.
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Shut the fuck up, it reads great except for my grammatical errors.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This is missing a lot. Are you planning on continuing this? I'm lost.
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No, do you need an explanation? A psycho cult leader kills an entire family, a friend, and two strangers. The boy is touched by God during this event and the psycho cult leader realizes this and takes him back to the cult.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2000 YEARS WITH NO WITHDRAWALS
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Um....fence-sitting on this one. Worth the read for sure, but the sentence structure and confusing storyline detracts.
Submitted by sweetcheebs (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:28:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This is missing a lot. Are you planning on continuing this? I'm lost.
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:28:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I honestly don't know what the fuck I just read, but I think it disturbed me.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-03 10:21:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't have time to read it, but I'm going back to kissing ass.
Honesty just wasn't working for me. Cheers.