This is a Democray (I reserve the right to summarily remove your voting right at any moment without prior notice) (1099 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.95 on 50 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fey (View user info) at 2007-04-03 16:32:36 EDT
Due to my own "unique" form of writer's block, I produce page after page of writing, ranging from "absolute crap" to somewhere around "mostly crap", but, and here's the catch, none of them belong to the same story.
So, here, Uber, is where you come in.
You vote for which of the following opening paragraphs you would like to read more of. And yes, I am aware I'm opening myself right up for "None of them, nOOb, get the fuck off my site", but hey. I may get one serious response, which may lead to one completed story. Who knows.
Without further..
Attempt nr. 1
Laura burst in off the street, seeking shelter from the biting rain and winds that would have been called galeforce, if it weren't for how silly the meteorologists who failed to forecast them would feel. She had never previously paid any attention to the door she'd just come through, it was slightly off the beaten track, a nondescript door, down a short alley, with a broken sign which no longer lit up it's letters. It, in keeping with the appearance of the rest of the facade, had probably just given up.
She shook her hair out, releasing it from the scarf she'd borrowed from a colleague as the weather worsened. The colleague had been foresightful enough to have an umbrella whereas Laura, as per usual, had not. Standing in a puddle of water, steam starting to rise from her as she warmed up, she glanced around, trying to get a feel for the place. The bartender, leaning lazily behind the bar, threw her the towel he had in his hands, and placed the glass he'd been wiping on the shelf behind him. On reflex, Laura caught it. She examined it briefly, trying to work out what the original colour might have been. A quick review of the damp seeping in through her clothing, and the still cold raindrops starting to work their way down her spine, reminded her that this, perhaps, was not the time to be picky.
Drying herself as best she could on the still-damp towel, she took the opportunity to study the people. She noticed that some few had looked up at her entrance, some merely registering her existence, others showing hostility or curiousity, or both. It was at this point that the noise of the place struck her. Her initial impression had been that the muted roar was more background than foreground noise, music, the sorl of conversation, the hum of the bar refridgerators.. But instead it seemed that every single one of the inordinately large number of patrons was planning on making themselves heard.
As her eyes adjusted better to the gloom, her original estimate as to the size of the interior proved completely inadequate. There were several doors in every wall, some leading to tantalising staircases, others to half-glimpsed, smokefilled rooms while still others were securely shut, with a secretive air. Her interest well and truly piqued, she walked the few steps to the bar, and smiled, belatedly, at the bartender.
"Thanks for the towel."
He shrugged, so as not to waste words, and asked, "Drink?"
"Yeah, please." She paused, widening her smile to cover that she didn't know what kind of drink this place would serve. "Make it an Irish coffee."
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Attempt nr. 2
I awakened into a haze, with a chocolate bar clutched in my clammy hand. Fuzzily, I decided that wherever I was couldn't be all bad, if there were chocolate bars involved. The next thing that came to my attention was my tongue, which for the moment was stuck to the roof of my mouth, with that hideous dry stickiness which accompanies air conditioning and sleep.
My body started registering it's catalogue of complaints.. I ached, couldn't stretch my legs and my circulation had long ago abandoned my extremeties. This, along with my memory slowly seeping back, added up to one thing.. airplane.
I opened my eyes, reluctantly, because some bastard had replaced my eyelids with sandpaper while I was sleeping. After concentrating the entire force of my will at my watch to make it
move faster, I checked to see how long I'd slept. One hour. Of a total 36 flying hours. Oh, the joy.
Rumour has it that it's possible to meet nice people while travelling. I'd even heard the story from an acquaintance of the time she met a soon-to-be boyfriend of hers while flying. They started talking in the waiting room, wound up next to each other on the plane, and cutting to a few months later, she moved halfway across the planet to be with him.That it ultimately went down the drain is not to say that it was the only possible outcome.
Me, I met Mike the Brit, a classic example of one of the less attractive of the breed. He had yellow teeth, thinning hair, was shorter than me and had the awful loud laugh of someone desperate to impress. What he had most of, though, was dandruff. This he sprinkled liberally all over me, like some repulsive fairy godmother.
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Attempt nr. 3
I start my day as I normally do, out on my balcony freezing my ass off in this thricedamned hell hole of a first world country. The winter here expresses itself artistically by producing enough snow to send a polar bear crying to it's mummy, which the highly evolved citizens then use to sculpt penises on roundabouts.
Technically speaking, freezing my aforementioned asset off is voluntary and self-inflicted. I reflect on this as I draw paint thinner and suchlike deep into my lungs. There's a campaign on tv at the moment, where sweet-voiced people ask me if I want to quit smoking, but perhaps just can't? I tell them no, fuck off. I don't know if they listen.
I'm facing another day of squabbling, whitetrash cheerleaders, and I'm not sure today isn't the day when one or more of them meet their maker. Damnit, they bug me. Call me elitist, if you must, but surely IQ should be higher than bra size? Yes? Sigh.
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Oh, and a gratuitous piece of "wtf" for you to enjoy:
panic and pleasure,
see and be seen
you've seen my writings,
never heard me speak,
you judge me, rate me, berate me
for being pretentious,
contructive criticism = stfu,
you're new here, nOOb,
which I NEVER was,
so shut yer trap
and show us yer boobs.
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Have at me, you hacks. And I mean that in the nicest possible way.
User Reviews
Submitted by John_H_Kim (user info) at 2008-09-30 19:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by SilvrWolf (user info) at 2007-10-01 11:18:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I ordered a democray off a website once. I'm still waiting to take delivery.
#2
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2007-10-01 10:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
btw you have officially run out of good posts to rate. What a conundrum - for you. I've got thousands of amazing posts.
Submitted by ArnieGeddon (user info) at 2007-10-01 10:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm going to bed fheygitty anne. Yes I have no idea what a prostitute is, I think it's a gland in your dick, not your dick on account of you being a girl, but in a dick dick.
wait you're from new zealand.
where's my email.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-09-27 12:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was a good idea.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-13 21:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Number two for sure.
One is instantly boring.
Three is too commonplace and the narrators tone is irritating.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 15:24:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
apollo, you amused.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 15:01:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm slipping. I didn't even see that coming. But no, I don't want to e-do thorpe. I just dream about him. Okay?
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-13 14:27:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait, you're a chick?
That changes everything.
Your dreams of me are obviously indicative of a deep lust that surpasses any earthful desire.
Or something.
______________________
Thanks for explaining, my subconscious had me a little confused and therefore worried for a moment. You see, I translated you=inmydream to mean me=alittletoofascinatedbyUber. Obviously, your interpretation is more correct.
Or something.
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Fey totally wants to e-do thorpe!
GROSS!
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:41:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
if you can't spell democracy you can't vote
new rule
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait, you're a chick?
That changes everything.
Your dreams of me are obviously indicative of a deep lust that surpasses any earthful desire.
Or something.
______________________
Thanks for explaining, my subconscious had me a little confused and therefore worried for a moment. You see, I translated you=inmydream to mean me=alittletoofascinatedbyUber. Obviously, your interpretation is more correct.
Or something.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Wait, you're a chick?
That changes everything.
Your dreams of me are obviously indicative of a deep lust that surpasses any earthful desire.
Or something.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The 'dear' tipped it off for me.
I'm sleuthy like that.
___________________________________
Mental note to self: No use of sarcastic endearments when trying to pass for male.
Got it.
Thanks, Rob!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think "fey" sounds gay, but that's still male. Altough that talking dreams, should have changed
my mind... Shame, and probably. I'm in Europe..
_________________________________________________________
Well done, you flattered, insulted and made me smile all at once.
So.. we're on the same continent.. Yay for us. =)
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've figured you for a young lady ever since:
http://www.ubersite.com/m/98078#2290961
The 'dear' tipped it off for me.
I'm sleuthy like that.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:01:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 12:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rorrim..
I do? Interesting. Expand..
And yes, sorry, am. And I doubt we're on the same continent anyhow.
I think "fey" sounds gay, but that's still male. Altough that talking dreams, should have changed
my mind... Shame, and probably. I'm in Europe..
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 12:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rorrim..
I do? Interesting. Expand..
And yes, sorry, am. And I doubt we're on the same continent anyhow.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-04-13 07:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 07:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rorrim, I never make promises I can't keep. That is a promise.
You'd me pegged as a bloke, mm?
You rate, write and talk like a male...
R u busy coming weekend...? <-----(bad intention query)
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-13 07:07:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 18:43:25 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm risking creeping you out totally, but your name turned up in my dream last night. I'd been skimreading uber just before I went to bed, and somehow, somewhy, you made it into my subconscious. If it's any comfort, it creeps me out too.
-------------------------------
Actually, I'm in your subconscious right now.
Eating your brain.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 07:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
rorrim, I never make promises I can't keep. That is a promise.
You'd me pegged as a bloke, mm?
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-04-13 06:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 06:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, rorrim. Way to kill a girl's hopes for peace and monogamy.
I would never have expected you to be feminin...
But, as such i can understand that you feel that way.
I never got married, but not for the aforementioned reasons, i just saw too many fuck it up.
And promises you make, you should keep. Not many can do that...
greetz!
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 06:31:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah, rorrim. Way to kill a girl's hopes for peace and monogamy.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-04-13 06:24:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Obviously, a Democray is a cray that is only in demo form, because it has not yet been perfected. Duh.
Democracy looks quite like a perfect marriage :
It looks great, is a complete lie, and all participants are bored with it since day 2.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-04 15:33:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked how number 1 started, and I think I would choose that to be the winner.
The writing on number 2 as done the best, so I'd like to see that story continued as well.
Number three, while I didn't really enjoy it, could have a lot of potential, depending on what you did with the story.
So, I rank them in the order they appear, one, then two, then three.
But choose to pursue what you will, they could all be good stories...
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-04 13:42:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Obviously, a Democray is a cray that is only in demo form, because it has not yet been perfected. Duh.
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haha!
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:44:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1 or 2.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:39:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
In my humble opinion:
I actually didn't want to even finish the first one after the first few sentences (no offense). The wording was rather awkward; the sentences meandered too much. It's not a total loss though, but a few sentences like that can totally turn a reader off.
The second and third were a better, more concise.
Again, this is only my opinion, but if you are going to be wordy, and write long sentences, you must be careful not to waste words. Each word should have some purpose, and that purpose should always be subject to the overall intent of the sentence itself. That means even if you come up with some fabulous metaphor, or really like a particular word, you can't just toss it in because you feel like it. Sometimes you have to cut some of your favorite shit just because it doesn't serve the purpose of the sentence/paragraph/story. Otherwise, the whole thing just falls apart, and the reader is like "wtf is this pretentious shit?"
+1 potential.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Obviously, a Democray is a cray that is only in demo form, because it has not yet been perfected. Duh.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-04-04 11:06:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I came back to ask what a Democray is.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-04 03:52:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
still number 2.
I'm being staliked on the internet by a -2 bombing faggot paul_anthony (alias lukecart)
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-03 19:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
2
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-04-03 19:21:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Most of those "beginnings" are longer than many of my whole posts. None of these are better than anything I've ever done, but good on you for trying. I say go with number 1 and include both me and zombies. Yeah, that'd be great. Unless you fuck it up. Then I'll cut you. :D
Submitted by Snare (user info) at 2007-04-03 18:41:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No 1 definately starts with a hook, there's enough mystery, backed up by the imagery, to pull the reader in.
But I get the feeling that you have more to say about No 3. that could just be an artifact of the viewpoint.
Either way, I look forward to your efforts.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-03 18:34:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YAY!!!
I like 1 and 2.
3 is only mildly interesting to me.
Did I mention yay?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-03 18:21:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
oh, merlina beat me to it. Two honest opinions below.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-03 18:20:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd definately follow up on number one.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-03 17:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No. 1 would be interesting. I'd read more..
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-03 17:52:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I could have sworn you said something about shaving your beave at one point.
Submitted by Montucky (user info) at 2007-04-03 17:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am glad that you have learned a basic rule ubersite; sort through the sand to find the gold. I found Attempt number 2 to be the most intriguing, because the writing seems to fit the audience and also seems to have the potential to discuss new ideas or old ideas in a new way.
The 3rd attempt was the worst of them. It has been done many, many times.
The 1st simply did not catch my interest.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-04-03 17:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
None of them, nOOb, get the fuck off my site.
hahahahahahahaha - I crack me up.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-03 17:13:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Number 2.
This rating is for sticking around. Good luck
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-04-03 17:07:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
http://www.ubersite.com/m/100208
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wow, Drake. You were actually almost constructive. Lame and condescending, huh?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
It's not all about perfect grammar and punctuation and spelling.
It's about being interesting. Or funny. Or gripping....Anything but condescending and lame.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:45:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And I just noticed my typo in the TITLE, damn me, and my grammatical error in my brilliant retort to Jonny.
Shit.
Uber, you make my hands shake.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:45:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No, no.....Jonny's right. This sucks.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:42:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Oh, and you're voting rights have been removed, Jonny. Thanks for playing.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Jonny, darling, go back to wanking over your lingerie pics.. Stick to what you're good at.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:38:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
(I reserve the right to summarily remove your voting right at any moment without prior notice)
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I vote that you get off the front page.
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-04-03 16:35:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
3