Don't let idiots near computers. (696 hits)
Category: NoneRating: -0.19 on 25 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by vexx (View user info) at 2007-04-03 18:38:10 EDT
So it's my final semester here in college, and when I'm sober enough I student teach freshmen in a College Writing Class. While the process is about as much fun as getting mauled by a rabid badger, there are highlights.
Like Roger Fang.
Roger Fang is possibly the worst student I've had the pleasure to have in my class. It's truly a wonder he can print out his papers, let alone get into a good university like this one. Though he is Asian, I'm certain his first language is English and can only surmise he has "done smoked himself retarded." Ladies and gentleman, I present for your schadenfreude, Roger Fang's final paper-- complete with deplorable grammar, nonsensical rants and general "eye ham we todd did."
So I gave them the assignment to pick a bunch of scholarly articles on the same topic and talk about how they agree or disagree or whatever. Pretty basic. So here is Roger Fang's "thesis statment":
"The grotesque, to me, is a coming together of the beautiful and the
horrific to beed the exquisite in art, whether it is literature,
painting, music, or sculpture. In the following texts, mostly
literature is involved in dissecting what grotesque was, is, or should
be by the majority."
Right so it's not Shakespeare but whatever, he's on something of the right track. But then, what follows is an paper which gives only brief mention to any of the articles he has researched and instead procedes to rant about whatever's on his mind. These are honest to goodness quotes from his paper. That he submitted in an English course. For a grade. Enjoy:
"Maybe the alcohol and drugs he uses are metaphors for how art and pop
culture affect the audience, but if they were meant literally, I don't
see how they've become synonymous to art and pop culture, and
intoxication and addiction. I've tried many drugs not accepted, so far,
by our subtly repressive culture, and have never become addicted to any
of them because I never had to be dependent on them when I've had gaps
here and there. I can do fine without them, but I do them to find out
what it's like since reality's already twisted with its "anything goes"
attitude - maybe that's what carnival is, or as how I interpret it."
Holy shit, that was awesome. It reminded me of how at the beginning of the term I assigned an "intellectual autobiography" paper for the kids to talk about and introduce themselves. Roger told a story about getting stoned in a Greyhound bus station. For four pages.
Back to the good stuff:
[...]her 20th century commentators declare that in other works of their
time only food, dress, dance and music was stressed, and drink had
become somewhat nonexistent - maybe they felt they didn't need to kill
as many brain cells to celebrate."
So by this point he's forgotten about "the grotesque" entirely, and begins searching his articles for any references to drugs:
"Throughout the article, I came across no reference to a drug
specifically, only alcohol."
For reference, that article was about Edgar Allen Poe's short story "The Black Cat."
We're just warming up here, Uber. Want to hear Roger Fang discuss socioeconomic disparity? I know I sure do:
"But all this yapping and whining about haves and have-nots is just
ridiculously funny: if you are lazy, you can't whine because you are
doing nothing to stop your whining. Do something with your life now and
be self-reliant isntead of waiting for someone or soemthing else to
save you, like the saying: All good things to those who wait, which is
some of the time just plain bullshit."
This kid's a poet. Roger, tell us about organized religion.
"I wonder if after Jesus died the Gospels twisted his words and
teachings for their own ends and made up the resurrection, but the dumb
follow anyways. Sure, when the freak challenges the mainstream of an
almost black and white world from which we're shaped, the subtle shade
of gray keeps expanding, but sometimes sense isn't necessary."
Clearly, Roger is a close adherent to Sartre's existential principles. But this is the best, his pièce de résistance, the conclusion of his paper:
"I think that the authors would agree (but I probably need to talk to
them first to find out) that those who find the coming together of the
beautiful and the horrific as freaky or challenge what is considered
normal, will overtime once they've become accustomed to it, whether
subtly or threatened and forced with a bat, might accept as normal,
whether they run the country, the majority, or the few "
Forced with a bat! Holy shit, I died laughing. Did you also notice how ends his paper midsentence? You must think I'm making it up but I swear this is the real thing. He really only mentions the "grotesque" in the first paragraph, and even then he says his own opinions about it and none the authors of the articles. My mind was boggled to look down and see a Works Cited page. I have no idea what to do with something like this. My red pen ran out of ink at the first page. Can you edit out retardism from a paper?
Just another day in my College Writing class.
And people wonder why I drink.
Titties,
Vexx
GIS for "idiot student"
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-11-21 12:46:07 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-04-04 07:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-03 19:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO CALL IT A KAISER BLADE BUT I LIKE TO CALL IT A SLING BLADE
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Mmmm-Hm.
damn, beat me to it. only by 7 months or so.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:49:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2007-04-04 12:11:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Names changed to protect the guilty.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-04-04 08:30:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was moderately amusing.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-04-04 07:43:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The combination of T-shirt and cap makes a person a knob
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-04-04 07:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-03 19:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO CALL IT A KAISER BLADE BUT I LIKE TO CALL IT A SLING BLADE
-------------
Mmmm-Hm.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-04 07:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Yup.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-04-04 05:07:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That dude with the knife looks like half the dumbasses I went to highschool with, aahhh good times.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-04 03:52:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm being staliked on the internet by a -2 bombing faggot paul_anthony (alias lukecart)
Submitted by Bushy (user info) at 2007-04-04 02:06:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
not sure what all the others are blathering about, but this was funny.
only catch is, its the end of semester and you've been his teacher the whole time. surely you must realise this is a reflection on your ability to teach as much as his inability to form a coherent point?
it reminded me of those 'hardball' sketches on SNL with you playing darrel hammond playing Chris Matthews. I had to google to find out who the host of hardball actually was.)
whatever, bring on easter drinking.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-04-04 01:06:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
no.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-04-03 21:38:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Oh, I get it now. You're the idiot on the computer, right?
-----------------------------------
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-04-03 19:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
So where do computers fit into all of this?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-03 20:53:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You're supposed to be teaching the kid, not mocking him.
Submitted by Bohme (user info) at 2007-04-03 20:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Agreeing with Zebra on this one.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-03 20:21:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I know the guy on the right in that picture.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-03 20:09:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I hope you at least changed his name.
Posting a kid's work on ubersite with such criticism is classless, which hopefully describes you from now on until your brain is fully developed.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-03 20:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Blind leading the blind.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-04-03 19:42:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
So where do computers fit into all of this?
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-03 19:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-03 18:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go figure it'd be a PSU student in the picture.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-03 19:21:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO CALL IT A KAISER BLADE BUT I LIKE TO CALL IT A SLING BLADE
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-03 19:13:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
nice
Submitted by UTOCKIN2ME (user info) at 2007-04-03 19:13:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You need to go back to elementary school. Not to teach damn it! To learn how to spell properly!
A guy like you is bungeeing without the bungee! But I will hand it to you, this article was sooooo boring that you win 1st prize,oh boring one!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-03 18:48:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Go figure it'd be a PSU student in the picture.
Submitted by Fartman (user info) at 2007-04-03 18:47:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You should follow your own rule.
Submitted by vexx (user info) at 2007-04-03 18:40:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 ironic spelling errors. it's been a long day ;P