Flirt lines, hand grenades, and scaring the crap out of a fat man- recipe for a great 30th birthday. (1917 hits)
Category: Sound & MusicRating: 1.29 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AJ <uberaj.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-04-04 14:30:19 EDT
Last weekend, I took a trip down to Houston, TX to visit Ubersite's latest resident 30-something. Otherwise known as Apollo88. I used the information that Maltese provided over and over again on the website and showed up unannounced at the door. Suffice it to say Dawn was completely freaked out at the prospect of having a grinning 6'8 galoot skipping madly through the halls of their home, but Apollo took me in out of the kindness of his heart and the intoxication of his liver.
"The more the merrier, old chap," he said as he lead me to the leather suit and wooden box I would be staying in for the weekend. His friend Steve was seemingly more elated to have me there. The suit looked better on me anyway.
After a Thursday in which we drank a couple gallons of beer and three bottles of champagne, Friday we hopped in the car and headed to New Orleans. Just for the hell of it. Because that's how we roll. Or something similarly dramatic.
We checked into the hotel room in New Orleans, and due to the fact that we'd spent 24 hours together we'd already come to a stark realization. None of us had a vagina. Our savior (or should I say MY savior since I was the one that fit in the suit) was to come in the form of a text message flirt line that claimed, "the person you're flirting with could be right next door..." I frantically texted 'MEET' to 68791 and waited for the results.
Flirt line: Hi so firstly let me know your name and age as well as location - lookin forward to knowing more hun.
Me: I don't know if I trust you with that. My name may or may not be AJ. May or may not be 23, and may or may not be in New Orleans right now.
This put the flirt girl off for a little while, and Steve and Apollo grew restless as dialogue was put on pause.
Flirt line: Haha its so hard to guess ur name and age.. i may or may not be arlene too. whats up?
*Due to the struggle that had commenced, my reply consisted of this: Apjdt.
Seeing that Arlene had finally responded, my pants were put back on and my arms were released since the other fellows couldn't manage to navigate my phone.
Arlene: Oh cmon this could be so exciting... are u at home now?
Me: I am in a hotel room with two foreign men I have only known for two days. Send bandages, lube, or help. Hurry!
Arlene: Oh cmon ur pulling my leg right? what hotel are u stayin at?
Me: Riverfront in New Orleans. If you read about me in the news, tell mother I tried. TELL HER I TRIED!
Arlene: What exactly are u doin in new orleans?
Me: Dying, you daft cunt! Oh, what's the use? I'm coming home, grandma. See you in hell, Arlene!
Arlene: Hehe wer angels here dont forget that..wut r u doin there now?
*I hope Arlene loses sleep at night. I really do.
After an hour or so in which we found no satisfaction (Arlene was vapid and the bear hunters we watched on TV DIDN'T SHOOT ANY BEARS), we decided to head out on the town.
When we exited the room, Steve took off in the wrong direction. Rather than let him know this, Apollo and I decided to do the next best thing. Scare the shit out of him. We each ducked into a doorway to wait for Steve to come back across.
After a minute or so of waiting, I heard footsteps get closer and closer. As the footsteps came to the doorway, I popped out with my arms raised and yelled "ARE YOU LOST?!" to someone who definitely was not Steve. Instead it was a fat man who looked like a grayer version of Phil from "Viva La Bam."
The poor fat man held an ice bucket in his left arm and a beer bottle in his right. He screamed "AAAAAAAAAAAH" for a solid length of time and shook his beer bottle menacingly at me. This all happened in slow motion and I still had my arms up while I turned my head to see Apollo tittering like an English school girl. I turned my head back down the hall to see Steve doubled over with laughter fifteen feet behind the fat man, and turned back to the fat man- still screaming- still shaking the beer bottle at me as I stammered over and over, "Oh my god, you're not Steve... I'm so sorry!"
Once the man managed to compose himself and stop shaking the eight dollar beer he came close to bludgeoning me with all he could say was, "you're lucky you have height on you, boy," as he waddled past Apollo, who also offered an apology. Steve continued to laugh. We waited until he entered his room and shut the door before bursting into further laughter and heading for the elevator.
Long story short the rest of the weekend was filled with booze. We each had two 'hand grenades' which are legendary Bourbon St. drinks that claim to be the strongest in New Orleans. I rode a mechanical bull, threw up all the liquor I'd had, and the next morning we drove back and saw a huge accident back up I-10 for six miles. Saturday night we watched Liverpool beat Arsenal, we all drank absinthe and fell asleep watching Family Guy. Sunday we hung out at the pool (yes, Maltese, it is a little small), watched a pug swim, and fell asleep that night watching a program about praying mantis in HD.
All in all not a bad birthday party to crash. Happy birthday, Apollo!
User Reviews
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-06-22 19:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny as fuck.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-22 16:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
But that doesn't make him a bad person.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-06-22 15:39:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apollo has a fat head
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-06-22 13:26:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congrats apollo, I always thought you were older than me. I guess it was from reading ender's game where that person's head kept growing as he got older, by the size of your mellon I would have put you at 55.
So when you guys first have an Uber meet do you give a loved one all the info you know about the person and tell them to call the cops if they don't hear from you?
Cause if not, I want to meet up.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-06-22 13:21:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no nigger.
fuck yours.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-06-22 13:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck your cell phone number.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-06-22 12:46:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just read this again, it was funny.
i've changed cell number by the way and can't access email from work.
my new cell number is as follows (work it out from the last number)
the first three digits are the same (832) the next three digits: subtract one, subtract four, add six.
the last four digits: subtract 2, subtract 3, add 3, subtract five.
consider this the 'are you smart enough to be worthy of apollo's phone number?' test.
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-05-23 10:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-23 09:57:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-02 18:51:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A rehash of the usual drivel - decoration/masochism/indivuality-revolt/initiation. I found it difficult to track down any decent information (ubersite as an authority on every subject under the sun notwithstanding.)
I think I've forgiven you for ensnaring me. =)
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-02 14:12:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was researching for a paper, and needed something on the "psychology of tattoos", and googled that exact phrase. Ended up at your post.
I even mentioned it in my (oh so well received) first post, but by then I'd forgotten where to find it.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-04-27 04:38:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
did you pee in his butt?
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-04-27 04:06:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Outstanding hilarity.
Submitted by nrduncan (user info) at 2007-04-18 17:17:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Auto AJ -2
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-04-06 00:37:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
blanket party...
...verb
....what happens when someone needs an ass kicking so badly that people decide to hold a blanket over their head while sleeping and then proceed to wake them up with a beating from tube socks filled with bars of soap/billard balls. then they all leave before victim is able to remove sheet
this concludes your "edumacation" for the night
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-04-05 13:21:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
What's a blanket party?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-04-05 11:49:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There are some people in Houston who are badly in need of a blanket party. If I composed a list, could you kids go round and make sure they get it?
Submitted by Teephphah (user info) at 2007-04-05 08:47:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Don't you find it the least bit strange for a young man to be driving half-way (okay, a quarter) across the GOD BLESSED U.S. of A go hang out with a couple of thirty year-old immigrants and their jewess?
I'm willing to bet that isn't how things are usually done around Iowa way.
Whatever will the neighbors think?
I'm in Chicago next week if anyone else is going.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-04-04 17:51:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i'm flying to houston tomorrow
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-04 16:12:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"you're lucky you have height on you, boy,"
--------
OR HE'D TURN YOU INTO THE TOWERING INFERNO
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-04-04 15:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kills more time than fractals.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:56:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mildly entertaining, I suppose.
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:53:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good times
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:50:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mildly entertaining, I suppose.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:42:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
just kidding.
we shagged.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:42:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i did? i don't seem to recall that. and why is 'seriously' followed by a question mark?
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
dude - wtf?
like you'd be welcome at my house.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:40:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
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Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:38:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The visual of you waving your arms around and screaming makes me giggle.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
scourge, shut the fuck up, you're the one that ran around crying for WEEKS that you got banned, and you couldn't possibly function without uber. Seriously?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:38:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, sorry, wrong account...
this is the one i use to try and make internet friends, so AUTO AJ +2
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:38:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You forgot the rousing game of "MASH."
Apollo was left in a Shack married to Urbane and driving a Yugo.
Oh man, how we laughed and laughed at that one.
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:36:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I BET THE CONVERSATION WAS HORRIBLY STIMULATING...
'ISN'T LISA HOT?'
'MAN WE HAVE BOTH MET BART, AREN'T WE COOL?'
'LET'S LOG ON AND TELL PEOPLE THAT WE ARE HANGING OUT RIGHT FUCKING NOW, TEE HEE HEE!!'
'DID YOU REMEMBER THE ASTROGLIDE? NO? WELL JUST SPIT ON IT BEFORE YOU SLIDE IT IN AT LEAST.'
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Funny, I would've put the emphasis on 'GIANT.'
Submitted by FlakMonkey (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:34:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
SO, YOU'RE A GIANT FRIENDLESS FAG WHO POSTED THIS SIMPLY TO BRAG THAT YOU SPENT THE NIGHT WITH AN INTERNET ACQUAINTANCE? (ALSO A FRIENDLESS FAG, BTW)
COOL POST!
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:33:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sounds like fun
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:32:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JUST KIDDING, FAGGOT, DONT CRY
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:31:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fucking gay
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-04-04 14:31:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No picture here. Fuck off.