SUPA: Gone (566 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.9 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Bubba2341 (View user info) at 2007-04-05 18:32:47 EDT
You gave me life, Oh Father dear
Your death was not prophetic
The doctor saw that it was near
For you were diabetic
A child of three who cannot see
A father's need for liquor
A little boy so wild and free
Was forced to grow up quicker
.............
Begone, demon! my progenitor
You took before his time
Leave me to my sordid life
Without your need to destroy
All you see
My money and future you take
You smile as I write and shake
Remembering he who is no more
Finding I am the same
Breathe, rancid one
I shall not be so done
He whom you took is in my mind
Another soul you shall not find
User Reviews
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-12 09:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-11 23:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some different word choices would really help polish this up. "Rancid," "diabetic," and "progenitor" stand out as cases where my reading came to a halt because I was taken out of the overall experience. The "diabetic" thing I'm not sure how to fix given the limitation on space and syllables, but "progenitor" sounds too archaic and "rancid one" - though immediately following a call to breathe - seems like it should be reserved for banter between a devil and a wizard or preacher.
***********************
"Rancid one" was death/Satan.
I spent about four minutes writing this poem. Sorry.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-11 23:30:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This really doesn't deserve the rating it currently has, but I also think you could have tightened it up some.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-11 23:29:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Some different word choices would really help polish this up. "Rancid," "diabetic," and "progenitor" stand out as cases where my reading came to a halt because I was taken out of the overall experience. The "diabetic" thing I'm not sure how to fix given the limitation on space and syllables, but "progenitor" sounds too archaic and "rancid one" - though immediately following a call to breathe - seems like it should be reserved for banter between a devil and a wizard or preacher.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-04-11 19:43:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not your best effort, compared to your entries from last year. But good.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-04-11 19:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-11 02:49:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Circe (user info) at 2007-04-11 01:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If this is what you classify as "poetry", I'm eternally grateful that you consider my effort "not poetry." Thank you.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-10 22:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Deserves a higher rating.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-10 18:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck to all contestants.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-06 13:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-06 09:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For me, the switch between styles was too jarring. I've read things that gave me a "oh nice transition" vibe, but this was more of a "who, hey, what happened, go back..go back."
Quite worth reading.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-06 09:02:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
But as such, I did relate to the subject matter, so a +1.5 it is for you.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-06 09:01:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Started weak but ended strong. A little more time on this one may have cinched it a +2.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-06 02:53:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-04-05 23:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hate to say it, big guy, but I agree with Zebra on this one.
It started to limericky
Submitted by 8track (user info) at 2007-04-05 22:48:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
mad skillz b boy
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-05 22:20:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-05 20:12:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fuck me. *SERIOUS*
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-05 19:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was okay.
When you rhyme words like diabetic with prophetic and liquor with quicker, it tends to work against the serious nature of your subject matter.
It almost sounds trite.
You would have been better off with the form and style of the second half of the piece.
The last section was much better than the first.
****************
Apparently, you have never read anything that starts in one mode and ends up in another.
Have you ever read any poetry other than simple rhyme/meter? Shakespeare, perhaps?
Your opinion in this realm is just as worthless as in everything else. When YOU post some of your own work I will accept your ideas. Until then, your ramblings will be taken with a microgram of NaCl.....
Do you actually understand the meaning of the word 'trite'? Do you actually understand ANYTHING?
Twisted analyses of things you cannot do only serve to make you look the fool. Do you have any self-respect? Do you actually care about other's perception of you? No? I really didn't think so.
You are most obviously entitled to your own opinion, but please put it on mySpace.
PS: What makes you say my poem was of a srious nature? Was that more of your holier-than-thou bullshit talking??? Most likely.....
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-05 19:08:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This was okay.
When you rhyme words like diabetic with prophetic and liquor with quicker, it tends to work against the serious nature of your subject matter.
It almost sounds trite.
You would have been better off with the form and style of the second half of the piece.
The last section was much better than the first.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-05 19:05:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Rob, you may see an extra line because I changed styles/rhythm in the middle.
I could have changed the 5 line stanza to four by adding the last few words to
the previous line, but I chose not to do so. Sorry.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-05 18:58:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Seems like there is an extra line in there.
no?
I dunno.
I really liked the beginning.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-05 18:37:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/m/100431
and positively, if you please
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-05 18:36:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Who am I to say whether poetry is good or not....I know what I like.
Now rate me, fucker. I'm gonna pull out a win over O-tron if it kills me.