I Love Flossing My Teeth (1772 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.94 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. Whoopie (View user info) at 2007-04-07 14:47:56 EDT
Today was one of those mornings where I sat up in bed, looked over at my bedmate and thought 'Why in the hell are you still here? And where the hell are my pants? Why am I wrapped in a Swedish flag? Why are all these thoughts coursing through my head like a river of bees and winter?'
She's gone now. At least this time I don't have a class with her. And she's in a completely different realm of the university - not arts. I've narrowed it down to not arts with my powers of wizardry and Febreze. And I don't remember looking at her when my eyes weren't filled with vodka shots and a fine layer of sand.
She does know where I sleep, though: on a pile of garbage bags filled with the souls of acorns. If acorns don't have souls, my investment portfolio is worthless.
Note to self: Burn down apartment.
Pre-note to self: Buy insurance for all your shit and THEN burn down the apartment.
Maybe she'll get murdered outside. Maybe I'll get murdered outside. Where's my toast and why isn't anyone making me any?
I belong to a drinking club, disguised as a club of intellectual thought and organized theories. My bed smells now. Girls are smelly. My drinking club is a fabulous group of the same boring people that come to every party. We all sit around for about there hours going 'OH GOD I HATE ALL OF YOU!' We start off talking about things of merit like if the person you were having sex with died, would you notice? As well as which Nazi was your favorite. Everyone should have a favorite Nazi.
Parties get more fun the more you drink. This is a known fact, like gravity and how many black guys can fit into a 1998 black Mazda Miata and sit outside the creepy pizza place across the street for two hours. The answer is four. But the thing with parties with mostly lame people is that you forget how unfun the predrunk party was and only remember how some guy repeatedly slapped himself with a pink plastic kitchen glove.
I think he's going to be one of my professors next semester.
I can't wait.
I was supposed to go buy my cousin a birthday gift today. Instead I'm going to watch golf all afternoon and walk to work. I hate my car when it isn't at my house. I also hate my house when it isn't at my car. And bananas. Bananas stink. I saw some guy eating a banana on the street the other day and I can hear my neighbour taking a bath right now and it's freaking me out.
When I woke up this morning, they were showing the second round from The Master's. This confused the hell out of me and I panicked and thought I was in Groundhog Day. Then I started wishing I was in Groundhog Day as I could redo my entire evening and not take the certain female home with me out of the kindness of my black, black heart.
I've never had to will some one out of my bed before with only the POWER OF MY MIND and my creepy paw hands.
That and the power of golf, with curling mixed in. It's a deadly combination of sheer boredom.
I don't feel like showering.
I just want to repeatedly wash my hands and floss.
Wash, wash, wash. Floss, floss, floss.
I have no idea where I was going with this. I will close with saying that I will never grow up, ever.
Ej.
Ej.
Darko, if the Wings make the finals I will spend my fall tuition to get there. If you don't think I'm serious, just ask my face because my face is so serious it will break your ass.
I think I kicked some guy in the face last night.
My bad.
Does anyone want to go on a roadtrip with Dave and his ELECTRIC VAN?
User Reviews
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-10 16:27:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-04-10 16:01:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stevie, you make this place worth showing up to look at.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-04-09 18:03:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-09 03:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Erwin Rommel is by far my favourite Nazi.
----
i was more partial to Goeth.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:33:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-04-09 13:11:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
perfect black hearted murderous nazi loving stevie goodness.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-09 09:29:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-07 15:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NEVER LEAVE AGAIN.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-09 07:52:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-04-09 07:23:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-09 03:01:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Erwin Rommel is by far my favourite Nazi.
Submitted by frankthebear (user info) at 2007-04-09 02:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maddox who?
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-04-08 03:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-04-08 02:21:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
full of "assbreaking-face" goodness
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-04-08 01:10:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This made me giggle like an idiot.
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-04-08 00:53:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
meh, youve done this enough.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-08 00:29:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Possessor of unfertilized easter eggs below.
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-04-07 22:00:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
<3
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-04-07 20:45:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-04-07 20:10:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by GnarlsBarkley (user info) at 2007-04-07 19:05:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 because I FUCKING HATE bananas
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-04-07 18:43:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-04-07 18:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Its funny how with my fiance I enjoy her smell, and dont mind that post sex grunge feeling, but with random bed mates I stumbled home from the bar with I couldnt wait to shower their stench off of me, and I usually had to change the sheets.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2007-04-07 17:58:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're back! HOORAH!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-04-07 17:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-04-07 16:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and by ticket, I may mean a beer
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Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-04-07 16:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you get out here I will buy you a ticket. <--- I'm holding you to this one.
Submitted by FunnyAsCancer (user info) at 2007-04-07 17:45:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Darko, if the Wings make the finals I will spend my fall tuition to get there."
OMG, PAUL'S BACK?!?! TOURING?!?!
I NEED TIX!
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-04-07 17:37:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So how much did you pay her?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-04-07 16:50:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Classic Stevie post
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-04-07 16:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-04-07 16:39:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
and by ticket, I may mean a beer
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-04-07 16:38:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you get out here I will buy you a ticket.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-04-07 16:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-04-07 16:17:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm a white male, aged 18 to 49. Everyone listens to me! No matter
how dumb my suggestions are.
-- Homer Simpson
Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-07 15:27:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Entertainingly chaotic.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-07 15:16:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
giggle giggle
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-07 15:02:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I do too.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-07 15:02:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
NEVER LEAVE AGAIN.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-07 14:57:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-04-07 14:57:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Chroniclysm (user info) at 2007-04-07 14:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment