I don't care what anybody else says: I'm funny (895 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 0.12 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Scott James Is Coming To Rob Your house (View user info) at 2007-04-08 10:58:59 EDT
In years gone by I have developed a reputation as somebody who only ever opens his mouth to change feet. Added to this is the fact that I am very bad at creating first impressions - I often come across as arrogant, pompous and condescending. Which is fine when you are dealing with a police officer but not so good when you are meeting your prospective mother-in-law for the first time.
More recently, this was brought to my attention when I started a new job. My project manager - a colleague of several years - gently reminded me that my manner can be interpreted as "aloof" and "demeaning". This, apparently, was part of a message that was handed down from my Area Manager.
I asked my mother about this and she pointed out that it "must be something to do with that sense of humour of yours." I asked her to elaborate and she listed several things that I have done over the years that have caused her to hang her head in shame:
1. As a plucky teenager on holiday with his mother and his brother, I was passing through customs in a Spanish airport when I turned to my old dear and said "Well, it's a good job you left all those drugs behind."
2. Upon receiving an invitation to my best friend's engagement party, which was being paid for by his betrothed's father, I arrived dressed in a clown costume, complete with green wig, squirty flower and white face paint. The invitation specified black tie only.
3. Every time I answer the phone at my mother's house I pretend to be a Cantonese takeaway, complete with an absurd, quite racist Chinese accent. "Flied lice" comes as standard.
4. Upon meeting FA's mother for the first time, I inadvertently insulted her taste in china dolls, made fun of her accent and left a trail of destruction throughout the house. I was never invited back to the house again.
5. I used to put a blindfold on my uncle's dog, lock him in the cupboard beneath the stairs, stand outside the door and shout "Walkies!" at the top of my voice.
6. I still think cow-tipping is funny.
7. As is stealing road signs. In fact, last year I brought home a Stop sign and planted it my mother's garden.
8. I make inappropriate comments while in polite company. Apparently, my assertation that "More fingering, less fucking" would drastically reduce teenage pregnancies is not very well appreciated by my mother's work colleagues.
9. No matter how hard I try, I still find it impossible to pass by a dirty car without drawing an enormous penis in the filth with my finger.
10. And finally, during one drunken night at a fancy hotel, with the vast majority of my family in attendance, I convinced three of my cousins to go streaking across the lawn. It was my godfather's wake.
Who wouldn't want a guy like me at their party, wedding or funeral?
User Reviews
Submitted by Scott_James (user info) at 2007-04-11 13:23:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Seriously, why are people even validating this by reviewing it?
Get on with your lives, citizens!
Incidentally, only two things from the list are "fictional" (as in slightly embellished for entertainment value). Guess what they are and you get +2s for life.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-04-10 10:34:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
take the broom handle out of your ass before camwhoring next time
Submitted by jimbo (user info) at 2007-04-10 07:37:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, it's a good thing you still think cow-tipping is funny.
Submitted by polyamorousaj (user info) at 2007-04-09 19:13:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Title. I'll read it later.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-04-09 17:45:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed some.
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-04-09 17:25:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-04-09 17:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dork
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-09 15:42:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
you look like Nathan Lane's younger, gheyer cousin.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-09 07:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm saddened that I read that and didn't quit. -2 Pity for me.
Submitted by forthewin (user info) at 2007-04-09 04:05:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Some people think I'm arrogant, because I have no respect for them.
But in your case, I assume people think that you're arrogant because you're a middle aged asshole that still acts like a socially inept high school student.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-09 03:31:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
With that picture...it's no wonder you were dumped by a girl like FA...lol
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2007-04-08 23:51:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
well it's a good thing that *you* don't care
only a -1 because you had a couple good lines
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-04-08 22:54:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-04-08 21:06:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is obviously fiction...
And I found it funny.
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2007-04-08 15:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you sound like someone who thinks they're funny
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-08 14:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh... so yer "that guy".
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-08 14:36:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cow fart feller below.
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-04-08 14:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-04-08 13:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Cows are jumpy animals who live in herds. To even be able to sneak up to one would be difficult and as for selecting a small one well it would have to be really small cos cows weigh a lot more than any one person could knock over"
True, although some herds can be very tame, but cow tipping is not a myth, I watched a fat drunk ginger guy do it.
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Beef cattle are pretty tame in general, but dairy cows are 'usually' pretty jumpy. Tipping a cow is pretty fucking hard though; they DO weight a lot. I've seen it done as well, but its difficult.
When I was still living on a dairy though, a cow had a gas buildup and we had to tip it onto its side and puncture a small hole in the cow's side to let the gas out. We tied the front feet together and the back feet together and pushed really hard. The cow fell onto its side and let out the most terrifying fart EVER. I figured that was bad enough, but apparently gas coming out the SIDE of a cow is much worse than when it comes out the ass end...
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-04-08 13:53:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Cows are jumpy animals who live in herds. To even be able to sneak up to one would be difficult and as for selecting a small one well it would have to be really small cos cows weigh a lot more than any one person could knock over"
True, although some herds can be very tame, but cow tipping is not a myth, I watched a fat drunk ginger guy do it.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-08 13:44:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-04-08 13:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
this made me question your relationship with your mother.
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heh heh heh
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-04-08 13:42:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
this made me question your relationship with your mother.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-08 13:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed. Fuckem.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-08 13:34:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-08 13:25:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Everyone else says you have a flat face and a limp wrist.
and I can only assume stretch marks on your anus.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-04-08 12:06:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i laughed my ass off, reading this, and
i'm very happy you're far far away...
Submitted by NANMAN99 (user info) at 2007-04-08 12:02:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You fucking suck. These are not accomplishments.
This just shows what a boring prick you are.
You have not had a girlfriend in a long time, right.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-08 11:54:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Add me to your list of people who wouldn't want you at any party I'm attending.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-08 11:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Trash. Cows are jumpy animals who live in herds. To even be able to sneak up to one would be difficult and as for selecting a small one well it would have to be really small cos cows weigh a lot more than any one person could knock over
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-04-08 11:33:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
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Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-08 11:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cow tipping is a myth.
Cows sleep lying down,its horses that sleep standing up.
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They don't have to be asleep, they just have to not run away. and be quite small unless you're built like some of the larger professional rugby players.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-04-08 11:16:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good lord you act like some of my friends. Do you people have some kind of asshole club?
Submitted by Dance.With.The.Devil. (user info) at 2007-04-08 11:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
you've got that right, you're a regular funnyfarm.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-08 11:12:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Cow tipping is a myth.
Cows sleep lying down,its horses that sleep standing up.
Submitted by Foolproof (user info) at 2007-04-08 11:11:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Everybody else is right.
You're not funny.