SUPA : The song reminds me of her face (464 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.18 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Hookhand (View user info) at 2007-04-09 11:18:46 EDT
The song reminds me of her face
An old sight in the same old place
No song has managed to replace
Its tune deep in my heart
And now the song invokes in me
A sort of dismal apathy
I turn it off; there has to be
A way to help forget
The lyrics are a sad lament
Of longing, sorrow, a mind bent
On hounding her 'till she relents
And gives in to his wiles
I knew and ignored all along
Its vote of the "Worst Wedding Song"
No bride and groom would sing along
To such a creepy jam
We picked it for the way we felt
When first we heard the singer belt
the line out about how he dealt
With things when she was gone
So now my heart's had time to mend
And yet I still cannot defend
That choice of song to any friend
Who says "THAT was your song?"
When our love died, the song did to
It doesn't make me think of you
And how you one day chose to hew
me down like a dead bough
When someone else has come along
And she and I have an "our song"
And I hear ours, I will not long
for you, not anymore
When lyrics pulled from melody
Examined with cold scrutiny
No one's ever going to see
What we saw in those lines
We poured into them heart and soul
I gave myself to you, in whole
Those lines then stood for that, in full
I thought they always would
Love dies and strips the lyrics bare
Of years of tender loving care
Attachments gone; all that is there
Is someone else's lines
I hear our song and I don't care
There is no longer feeling there
You helped to strip the lyrics bare
Now I don't want what's left
User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-11 23:53:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Don't be afraid to see if you can do more by doing less. At twelve stanzas this is a little long for what it's doing, and it's possible that seven or nine could change it from an open palm to a tight, closed fist.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-04-11 16:35:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-11 12:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-11 11:15:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think it's sweet.
You had pretty good rhythm, though some of the stressed syllables were a bit forced, which isn't easy to avoid in a scheme like this.
I like the repetition at the end, and I like that you didn't put a name to the song.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-11 02:56:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-10 18:29:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck to all contestants.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-09 21:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2007-04-09 17:33:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I like it. Zebra's comments are gold though. Whoever this is has to be an English major or instructor. Comments are like reading my college papers, always helpful and enlightened.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-09 14:31:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
To answer your question, some of the word choices were slightly odd and obviously chosen to fit into the rhyme scheme and meter without blending naturally into the environment you created.
Rhyming is an unnatural act and the poet must endeavour to camouflage it, lest they be jailed in many areas.
The stanza with the dead bough was an example of awkwardness, in my opinion.
The poem as a whole was also a bit repetitive.
You could probably combine some of the woe-is-me stanzas. It bordered on self pity, of which a little goes a long way.
But I still liked it, as I said below. The subject matter is good and it has heart. I still think it should be written as if it were a song.
Submitted by Void_Where_Prohibited (user info) at 2007-04-09 13:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-04-09 13:00:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
For my own edification, where did everyone feel it was awkward?
Submitted by YoMikeyA (user info) at 2007-04-09 12:58:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-09 12:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought this was really good. I didn't like the repetition at the end, but I enjoyed the rest. I was hoping you would say what song it was, but I think it was just as interesting not to know.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-09 12:43:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The subject and heartfelt emotion behind this more than makes up for the awkward spots, in my humble opinion. Nice work.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-09 11:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I agree it was a bit awkward in places.
A really good choice of subject matter, however.
It might have been a cool idea to actually pick a particular song that was 'their song' and then write the poem in the same style to reinforce the fact she still has a hold on him in spite of his words to the contrary.
It would have been nice to have verses alternating with a chorus, for example.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-09 11:26:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by needsnothing (user info) at 2007-04-09 11:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A little awkward in places.
Submitted by needsnothing (user info) at 2007-04-09 11:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
A little awkward in places.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-09 11:20:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment