SUPA: Curve (338 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.6 on 18 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ahumblefool (View user info) at 2007-04-09 16:39:11 EDT
Tried a 2,3,5,5. Never did well in poetry.
Curve
One more
Gulp it down
Feel the sensation
Filled with frustration.
Long road
Eyes glazing
Family gazing
Fog coated windows.
Long road
Blacktop shine
Nodding head with time
Darkness envelopes.
Tight curve
Son screaming
Panic setting in
Car hurtles through space.
Quick drop
Wife weeping
A daughter dying
Blood flowing in hair.
No one
Time is over
Forgiveness not found
Alone without sound
My hell
Buried graves
Children's voices heard
A dark house awaits.
One more
Gulp it down
Feel the sensation
Filled with frustration.
User Reviews
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-12 00:05:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Tis alright.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-11 23:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I gave Sacrilicious grief for her short, compact, focused approach and now I'm going to feel bad about rating this higher for doing the same thing. Whereas hers was obviously about a particular event, a documented event, this doesn't read as if it's necessarily to do with something that's made news. I can enjoy and engage this piece because I'm not bound by a need for knowledge. I can relate because it's general, if you will.
It's powerful too. We can create a rogue's gallery of fictional monsters and fears, but when you get right down to it *this* is terror, fear and pain.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-11 02:59:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's some powerful stuff.....
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-10 22:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Agreed- this is creepy-good.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-04-10 21:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad for poetry, although I must ask, why the negativity all the time in poetry?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-10 18:29:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good luck to all contestants.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-10 11:57:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Echoing Zebra's sentiments here. It reminded me of the song "Last Kiss" very much.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-10 08:53:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-10 04:05:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-09 17:22:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was a very good one. One of my favorites of this comp. so far.
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-04-09 17:21:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:57:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
solid good!
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:53:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was very creepy.
It might have been interesting to start with a couple of stanzas in a light tone (family drive, sunshine, etc.) to lull the reader before shocking us with the tragedy, much in the same way an automobile accident might occur.
But the slow build was effective, too, so I'm not sure.
The simple structure definitely worked very well with the subject matter.
____________________________________________-
Thank you, and I like your suggestion of a lighter tone at the start.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:51:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:50:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Fair enough. All I can write poetry about is animals apparently.
oh and moobs.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:50:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was very creepy.
It might have been interesting to start with a couple of stanzas in a light tone (family drive, sunshine, etc.) to lull the reader before shocking us with the tragedy, much in the same way an automobile accident might occur.
But the slow build was effective, too, so I'm not sure.
The simple structure definitely worked very well with the subject matter.
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:49:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh.
It was OK, not great. Im just a tad fed up with the whole "Its poetry so its got to be depressing" angle.
_____________________
Agreed, but truthfully all I can think of with poetry is depressing. Don't know why just do. Emo.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-09 16:47:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Eh.
It was OK, not great. Im just a tad fed up with the whole "Its poetry so its got to be depressing" angle.
HOWEVER: Blood flowing in hair is a great line.
Happy Poem:
Its wrong
very wrong
but I love them so
Waggle to and fro
I speak...
I speak not
of those lady boobs
but of lovely fat moobs
I LOVE YOU FAT TONY
ahem...