Steve’s Official NHL Playoff Pick Party of Penile Penetration (1176 hits)
Category: SportsRating: 1.43 on 39 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve Lindholm (View user info) at 2007-04-10 00:14:51 EDT
Hockey, hockey, hockey, turtle, hockey.
All right, fuckcakes, it's time for something I like to call how to fail at everything you try. I'm going to draw upon my years of being the office punching bag and let you in on the secretest secret of all secrets: I don't know anything and my dad drives a Zamboni. Combine those two facts and I am a hockey genius. Like Teemu Selanne locked in a room filled with nuns, a tractor and breadsticks, I will build a bridge over Shilshole Bay and teach bears to unicycle across it.
All aboard the pain train because here comes the picks for the 2007 Stanley Cup playoffs, or as I like to call them three months of punching myself in the balls. They could also be known as 'I broke up with my girlfriend so I could watch my TEAM LOSE IN THE FIRST ROUND?'
Let the suckfest begin.
EASTERN CONFERENCE
No. 1 Buffalo vs. No. 8 New York Islanders (also known as Edmonton Oilers 'B.')
Prediction: Buffalo in seven.
Reasoning: After Ryan Smyth eats his stick on the bench and gets splinters in his mouth to look more like a man, the Sabres will overcome a two game deficit to defeat the Isles in a punch-out to end all punch-outs.
What I'm saying is Buffalo will lose their first two games at home, win the two in New York, teleport back in time and steal the Eiffel Tower, win at home, lose in New York and in game seven will be victorious on neutral ice as the HSBC Arena will be hosting round the clock bingo games after the owners lost a bet on the WNBA draft.
If you don't believe me, ask the French. They'll be wondering where the fuck their tower went in about two weeks.
It's shoved up Rick DiPietro's ass. Right next to his 15 year 'Don't forget, you're here forever' bumper stickers.
No. 2 New Jersey vs. No. 7 Tampa Bay
Prediction: Martin Brodeur will eat those handholding otters at centre ice at the start of game five in hopes of changing their luck. No dice as Tampa will take it in five. Brodeur will then sell Martin St. Louis into child slavery.
Reasoning: New Jersey is for fags. Skate it off.
Tampa is going deep, man.
No. 3 Atlanta vs. No. 6 New York Rangers
Prediction: Atlanta in four.
Reasoning: My ex-girlfriend is a Rangers fan.
I hope her and Shanahan die in the same plane crash. But on different planes. Over New Mexico. Just so no one will find the bodies. And when they do find the bodies, dogs will have eaten their faces and shit in their faceless eye holes.
But seriously, though, I have faith that Atlanta will win one for the ghost of Dan Synder, who has been haunting their dressing room and rearranging the towels in the showers when no one is looking. They need to break his curse like Dany Heatley did when he crashed into that brick wall.
Go Thrash, woo.
No. 4 Ottawa vs. No. 5 Pittsburgh
Prediction: Penguins in six. Senators in seven. Capitors in topplefem.
Reasoning: If the Penguins can do it in six, then they win. But if they let it go to seven, the Senators will win. The Capitors are what happens when two teams combine into a mega-team and blow up your arena with their megaforce and a bundle of TNT wrapped in bacon.
Mario Lemieux will rape Sidney Crosby on a pool table in the middle of their hotel lobby.
This will be in addition to their usual amount of rape.
Jordan Staal takes more cock than my skank of an ex-girlfriend.
WESTERN CONFERENCE
No. 1 Detroit vs. No. 8 Calgay Fags
Prediction: Flames in six.
Reasoning: Just to piss me off.
No. 2 Anaheim vs. No. 7 Minnesota
Prediction: Thor will come down from the sky and declare this series to be unworthy of being completed. The Ducks will be declared the winners since Chris Pronger will eat any ass handed to him on a platter made out of solid gold babies.
Reasoning: I hate the Wild. I hate the Ducks. I don't care who wins since I'll have given up on life completely when the Wings lose again. Another lonely summer, spent watching Scott Niedermayer turn into a hobo and knowing that I will always have more facial hair than Chris Pronger.
Chris Pronger had sex with my mom.
Pass it on.
No. 3 Vancouver Cansucks vs. No. 6 Dallas
Prediction: Markus Naslund will make the Sedin sisters into real men in a slanderous Swedish sex party after the Canucks beat the Stars in six.
Reasoning: Whales are better than burning balls of gas. Throw a star in an ocean and it drowns but whales can survive in space. I've seen it happen with my one good eye while my bad eye was watching the ballet for any hard nipples.
I cheered for the Vancouver Canucks once and my ears fell off.
Luckily, I hate my ears.
Rory Fitzpatrick for Conn Smythe.
I'll rob three liquor stores in one night if the Canucks win.
No. 4 Nashville vs. No. 5 San Jose
Prediction: Smashville in six.
Reasoning: A homeless man once told me that if I tied six cans together, wrapped them in a garbage bag and then filled the bag with water, you can create a convection oven and cook an entire deer. Nashville has perfected this technique but instead of an oven, they get a hockey team.
I eat catfish eyes for breakfast.
You can quote me on all of these predictions as I can see the future and it looks dark, dank and alot like the inside of a giant igloo made out of dolphin skin and harps. Let's go whaling this weekend. I'm in the mood for some blubber with a side of rice.
GO HOCKEY WOO.
User Reviews
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-04-16 16:58:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Calgary out in 4..... That would be super.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-12 15:25:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-04-12 04:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As a former Nordiques fan, shouldn't you now cheer for the Avalanche?
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fuck that...how am I suppose to identify to Denver?
Submitted by William_Q_Percy (user info) at 2007-04-12 15:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haven't shaved in a week and am wearing my jersey at work today!
GO FLAMES GO!!!
and also,
Shirts off for Kiprusoff!
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-04-12 15:05:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
VINCENT LECAVALIER! MARTIN ST. LOUIS! Go imports WOOO!!
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-04-12 04:51:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
As a former Nordiques fan, shouldn't you now cheer for the Avalanche?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-12 04:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
my dad made me wear an oilers jersey when i was a kid.
then i rebelled and became a nordiques fan.
then they left and eventually converted to habs, the masters of mediocrity.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-04-12 03:35:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Again, I was referring to those Whyte Ave douche bags, not the true fans.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-04-12 02:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am the ultimate non-bandwagon fan. I have loved one team, from a city on the other side of the continent and in a different country, from no outside influence except that I liked their color and logo, since I was a toddler, and have been unwaivering in my support for the Sharks from record-breakinly bad seasons to cup contention and Hart trophy winners. And when they do finally win the cup, hopefully this June, it will be all the better for me.
Submitted by WookieSuave (user info) at 2007-04-11 17:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-04-11 17:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Edmonton is the bandwagon capital of bandwagonland.
I point to last season, where EVERYONE was an Oilers fan. Except me. I wasn't a fan of anything but suicide last spring.
Now this year, those same 'hardcore' fans were out fast. I don't blame them. Their franchise player was traded away and they're managed by a retarded hobo.
Still.
Gonna suck to see the Flames win again. God I hate them.
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I am from Edmonton. I've been an Oilers supporter since I shit gretzky shaped stains in my diapers.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-04-11 17:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Edmonton is the bandwagon capital of bandwagonland.
I point to last season, where EVERYONE was an Oilers fan. Except me. I wasn't a fan of anything but suicide last spring.
Now this year, those same 'hardcore' fans were out fast. I don't blame them. Their franchise player was traded away and they're managed by a retarded hobo.
Still.
Gonna suck to see the Flames win again. God I hate them.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-04-11 15:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If the Penguins would have been having a losing season, the team would be in the desert by now.
That is how Pittsburgh works. Best fair weather fans EVER. It's like being bi-polar in support of the team. Their highs are higher than anybody else, but their lows are lower than anybody else.
Submitted by d_prime (user info) at 2007-04-10 23:44:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would tell you that I disagree about the Predators and Sharks, except... this is all nonsense anyway.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-10 23:36:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
That's a lot of games.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-04-10 22:22:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ubmitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-10 21:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-04-10 16:38:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The number of games it will take for the team to win the series. STOO-PID.
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You mean that in this playoff or whatever they have to play the other team 6 or 7 times? 'kin hell.
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well its the first team to win four games. So, best of 7.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-10 21:35:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-04-10 16:38:31 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
The number of games it will take for the team to win the series. STOO-PID.
========
You mean that in this playoff or whatever they have to play the other team 6 or 7 times? 'kin hell.
Submitted by Lambchop (user info) at 2007-04-10 18:16:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
go devils woooooooooo
only if Elias doesn't get another STD from another hooker
Submitted by Dolson (user info) at 2007-04-10 17:38:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Flames, beyotch.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-10 16:37:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
plus the franchise in pitsburg is having great success, for an american city.
i'd rather see games with ambiance than watch a game on the islanders empty arena and 1960's cameras.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-10 16:34:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
no, GO PITTSBURG!
i support the youngsters
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2007-04-10 16:25:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-10 15:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-09 21:57:17 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where are the habs? :°(
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*weeeeeeeeps*
GO ISLANDERS?
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-10 16:02:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-04-10 00:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A girl in my class used to live next to Jordin Tootoo.
She said he was dink.
I agree.
---------------------------------
He was dink?
He was *A* dink?
I am not down with your far-away-land lingo.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-04-10 15:50:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-10 15:39:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-09 21:57:17 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where are the habs? :°(
Submitted by iddqd (user info) at 2007-04-10 10:35:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hope her and Shanahan die in the same plane crash. But on different planes."
thats gets you a +2. woo.
Submitted by TheScaryGuy11 (user info) at 2007-04-10 10:22:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll stop watching the wings forever if they blow it in the 1st round again. Hasek better pull out a series for my boys...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-10 09:56:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO BEARS WOO!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-04-10 09:53:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WOO! Take that darko!
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-10 08:50:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Flyers Fucking Suck!
Submitted by TheSpook (user info) at 2007-04-10 07:59:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go Bolts!
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-04-10 02:38:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The number of games it will take for the team to win the series. STOO-PID.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-10 01:33:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Go Detroit.
What does "in 6" and that mean?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-04-10 01:20:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's pretty obvious I did this out of sheer boredom and terror.
Submitted by jojo747 (user info) at 2007-04-10 01:18:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
dude, these arent even close
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-10 00:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where are the habs? :°(
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-10 00:47:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO OILERS!
Submitted by DonovanMD (user info) at 2007-04-10 00:39:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bastard, I was just coming here to make this post.
West:
Det-Cal
Calgary in 7
Anahiem-Minny
Anahiem in 6
Vancouver-Dallas
Dallas in 7
Nash-San Jose
San Jose in 6
East:
Buffalo-NYI
Buffalo in 5
NJ-Tampa
NJ in 6
Atlanta-NYR
NYR in 7
Ottawa-Pitt
Ottawa in 6
Submitted by MichaelJackson (user info) at 2007-04-10 00:39:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Get ready to rob three liquor stores Steve
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-04-10 00:24:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
A girl in my class used to live next to Jordin Tootoo.
She said he was dink.
I agree.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-10 00:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I <3 hockey.
I <3 the Predators.
They better win the big cake since they've been taking all of our goddamn players all season (Milwaukee Admirals).
GO JORDIN TOOTOO WOO!
Hehehe. It rhymes!