Ronquido (370 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.77 on 13 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by r0fl (View user info) at 2007-04-12 03:42:23 EDT
This is by no means an emotional rant or an attention-grabber. It's been a long last month, that's for sure.
School's almost done. I've got calluses growing on my finger-pads from typing and my earlobes from my headphones that are in constantly to blot out the people here.
I've only got 4 more weeks until school is done, the culmination of this stage in my educational experience, something I've wished for - for oh so long. But I've been having these terrible dreams.
They're muffled, of course - what little dreams I have are sandwiched between the daily stressors and insomnia of deadlines and my fellow roommate's nights of debauchery filled with alcohol, marijuana and other mind-altering cohorts.
Not ten feet from me, my roommate's snoring again. Countless times his snores have woken me, along with the family of mice whom have decided to live within the walls of my building and rustle throughout the twilight. A blinking streetlight pokes through my horizontal vinyl blinds, but I'm too lazy to climb over mountains of dirty clothes and high step across this room, careful to avoid the empty 16 ounce Bud-Light Bottles.
Not careful to avoid the noise - I'm not that considerate anymore. Most have been converted into makeshift spittoons while they all enjoy Berry Blend and Mint flavored Skoal anyways, and if that shit spills, I need a young priest and an old priest to get it off the wood floors. I think I can hear one of them tapping a tin against their forefinger in the living room now, that familiar thwack-thwack-thwack, as a commercial for Comedy Central's Daily Show drones from our Toshiba.
Where was I?
Oh yes, the dreams. For the past month or so they've been rather insignificant, me reliving the days passed - with minor twists and their consequences. I suppose everybody has them. Shit, I bet you've had 'em too, but I can't remember the last time I didn't have one.
They all end the same. I end up killing everybody.
I don't own a gun, don't own any weapons for that matter, and do not possess intricate knowledge of chemistry for explosives or poisons, but in these dreams I do. I kill everyone in my building, all three floors, then move on to the next, to see how far I can get, see how stained my Airwalks can get. Every exhalation from my roommate reminds me of his death in my dreams - he's always first.
I smother him with his Tempur-Pedic pillow, and the rest is a blur. They all just... die.
Sometimes Andy down the hall is next, he's trickier - as he's always up because of his medications and plays World of Warcraft until the sun rises.
It always ends the same, as the cool inner city breeze blows on my crimson-stained hands as I walk down the street covered in hemoglobin and order a coffee from Dunkin Donuts. There's always a cop in there, and I always reach for his gun. Sometimes I even pull the trigger before I wake up, covering the walls with my own jelly filling. Have you ever killed yourself in a dream? I didn't think you could, but I always wake up with that pins-and-needles feeling all over.
Some days I trudge through the day merely waiting to get to sleep, waiting to kill everyone. Other times I wander throughout my school, along the second floor walkway and trace my palm against the railing, wondering what the tile floor stories below tastes like, what death tastes like.
He snores again and mumbles unconscious jargon, snorting as I type this in 12-pt Courier. I feel like I'm splitting apart.
Part of me seems like this is an inevitable phase in schooling, before stepping foot in the world, this is my Alamo, my last stand. I've lost all motives for performing in classes, and can't remember the last time I didn't eat something that wasn't canned or Sbarro's Supreme Pizza.
Another part of me tends to be more objective, to sit back and analyze with portions of my brain and mind most developed. I usually enter this phase after I have one of these so-called "breaks," where I'm day-dreaming about dreaming or imagining how fast that Toyota Tercel crossing the street would have to be going to end me if I jumped out at the right moment.
This latter version reminds me of Hesse's Siddartha, finally understanding that it's not any of this bullshit you learn in school that matters, it's the process itself, and if I could put "process" in italics, I fuckin' would. Anyone can float through school with a respectable portfolio and resume, but can they finish it? I'm not sure I can anymore. I'm not sure I want to - and that's in no way an allegory to the Lost Boy mentality in a Peter Pan classic.
These feet are tired o' walkin', I suppose, and I think these dreams are just giving me ways to make a grand exit. Sounds cliché, no?
I could delete that sentence, but fuck, that's how I felt when I typed it and it's stayin'.
I might be dreaming right now, and I hope I am. I wish it wasn't 3AM on a Thursday morning. I wish I were asleep at a cubicle in the library studying for whatever's due tomorrow. If I wake up with quintessential parallel fleshy indentations on my arm and forehead from the metal binding to my notebook I'd be a happy man.
The snores remind me however, that I'm still in this shit-hole, next to a half-empty beer from two days ago (the other eleven put me to sleep quite nicely) and an empty travel-sized bottle of contact solution I stole from the 7-Eleven.
I've worn the same Timbaland 2XL sweatpants and Boston Red Sox sweatshirt to bed for the past week, and don't even bother folding down my futon to sleep anymore. I think he's stopped snoring, but I think he wants me to think he's done, so I can attempt to retire for a few hours before class, only for him to start up again right before I dream up his next demise.
I wonder what it would be like to grab the subway power cables above the street and swing like a primate, or how free it would feel to leap from atop my apartment building. The cool city air, blowing my Sox cap off my head, exposing my unkempt hair before I can sleep for good.
I'm sick of the drugs and abuse in this house, among my peers, and the indifference of those who know and do nothing. I'm sick of being here, I'm sick of the distractions, of the bass from the next room, the voices, the coughs from Parliament Light second-hand smoke and the withered Bonsai tree atop my mantle.
I don't think I can stand the snores much longer.
I don't even know why I wrote this.
User Reviews
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2008-05-01 21:40:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-04-12 09:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't much care for this, but it was fairly well written.
On a side note, I know that I'm the last person who should be griping about a post, but jeez. It sounds like all you do is party and study. Wait till you've got some real problems.
I just got into grad school after working in a bitch job for 53 weeks. No problems now, but this is still nice to revisit once in-a-while.
Thanks CJ, for getting me to log back in.
Submitted by BeaverDamn (user info) at 2007-04-12 16:48:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
roflcopter
Submitted by Creepy_guy (user info) at 2007-04-12 14:50:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Homer: You know what?
Grampa: What?
Homer: We're both screw-ups.
Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2007-04-12 10:01:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-04-12 09:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how people function on 3 or 4 hours of sleep.
---
It usually involves me skipping an 8AM class, much like today. And Thorns, that's the goddamn truth. My cousin just had his first and he's already going gray. He's 24.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-12 09:48:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-04-12 09:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how people function on 3 or 4 hours of sleep.
=======================================
The lengths that you will go to during university are nothing short of amazing (and stupid) at times.
But if you think sleepless nights end with college...have a kid...then you'll get even LESS sleep.
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-04-12 09:34:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I don't know how people function on 3 or 4 hours of sleep.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2007-04-12 09:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-04-12 09:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't much care for this, but it was fairly well written.
On a side note, I know that I'm the last person who should be griping about a post, but jeez. It sounds like all you do is party and study. Wait till you've got some real problems.
---
Who the FUCK is this?
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-04-12 09:20:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I didn't much care for this, but it was fairly well written.
On a side note, I know that I'm the last person who should be griping about a post, but jeez. It sounds like all you do is party and study. Wait till you've got some real problems.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-12 08:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good stuff
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-12 07:32:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1 oz. Vermouth
1 oz. Gin
1 oz. lime juice
3 oz. Nyquil
should do the trick, just got to slam it down.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-12 07:16:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like. I like a lot.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-04-12 05:01:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked.
Submitted by peacenik_in_hell (user info) at 2007-04-12 03:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you know, they make a pill for that.