Maine: The Way Life Should Be. (If you like bullet holes.) (924 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.69 on 58 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Stin (View user info) at 2007-04-12 19:43:22 EDT
I have a bullet hole in my kitchen floor.
Perhaps I should start at the beginning.
Last Tuesday night, my husband and I went to bed just like we usually do, turned out the light and went to sleep. On Wednesday morning, I discovered a large hole in my kitchen cabinet. Wood all over the place, the side of the cabinet peeling away.
Being the good wife I am, I ignored it and went to work.
My husband called me on his way to the office.
"Did you notice anything, erm... odd in the kitchen this morning?"
"Like the large hole in the cabinet, you mean?"
"Yep. That would be the one."
I called the landlord, not wanting to lose our security deposit over a hole we didn't cause. He came over that afternoon, and we hypothesised about where it had come from. Our best guess was that the upstairs tenants had been trying to pull a fast one with the cable; they'd tried to pull a cable through the wall, but had somehow misjudged the drilling. They - of course - denied all knowledge, so we had no choice but to let it go.
The week passed by uneventfully, although we were still puzzled by the mystery hole. Until Sunday. Sunday is housekeeping day in my house - it's the day I realise I have no clean underwear and I can't see what colour the floor is. Whilst cleaning the kitchen floor, Mr. Stin noticed the hole.
"Christina, that's a hole."
"You're shitting me. It's a dent."
"No, really."
So we dug out the only thing with a long, thin probe; the meat thermometer. Worryingly, it went into the "dent". And kept going.
Being a gun owner, my other half is familiar with the appearance of bullet holes. Me, being a nice, naïve British export, am not. So being the pair of complete morons we are, the next thing we did was to wander downstairs and bang on our neighbours door. We only wanted to know if he could shed any light on the matter, but in hindsight it's a damn good job he wasn't home.
Now I'm not big on gun etiquette, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to shoot holes in your other peoples' floors. As much as I like the guy who lived downstairs, that's just not cool. Not really knowing what we should do, but feeling like we should report it to somebody, we called the police. Not in a 911-"Oh My GOD I Have A Bullet Hole, COME SAVE ME!" way, but in a "I'm not sure if you should be dealing with this, but I don't want to be" kind of way.
To their credit, the police were very good. The first officer was there within 5 minutes. He shone his flashlight at the hole on the floor, then at the hole in the cabinet. "Odd," he said. When the second officer arrived, he did the same thing. They called the sergeant. He shone his flashlight at both holes, and called the evidence technician.
I've never seen CSI on the television, but I have seen it in my kitchen. When they send an evidence tech, he doesn't turn up in a little sedan. He turns up in a box truck, plastered with "Portland Police Dept. Crime Scene Unit" on the sides. At this point we have two officers, one sergeant and an evidence tech in the kitchen, trajectory rods poked in holes, crowbar damage to the cabinet and footprints on the worksurfaces. (Apparently the bullet is lodged somewhere between the cabinet and the exterior wall, and to get it our requires a large saw of some kind. They kindly declined from chopping holes through to the outside world.)
After they left, we emailed the landlord. We thought it was only fair.
Monday morning, I got the call from the landlord. A cheerful man, as you can imagine. Lunchtime, I got the call from the detective. I asked him whether or not it was safe for me to go home after work. "I don't know yet," was his reply. I didn't feel very comforted. We got a room for Monday night, after the detective called back to tell us that our neighbour had several weapons, a large amount of ammo and enough drugs to get the entire block messy for a week down there. The gang affiliations didn't exactly add peace of mind to the equation either.
Although the damn fruitloop's been arrested, we're moving house. Soon. Very soon. The most ridiculous thing is that we live on a nice street, in a nice part of town. Whooda thunk it?!
And they say that the only things we have in Maine are potatoes and lobster.
User Reviews
Submitted by tatersninja (user info) at 2008-08-27 12:25:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by mrwolf (user info) at 2008-08-27 11:58:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck!
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-13 15:55:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2007-04-12 17:33:59 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Ok, I've been away too long. Someone tell me how the hell this just dropped off the front page??
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Bart instituted a new thing to weed out the shitposters...if your post has a -1 avg rating after being rated by 10 unique users, it falls off the front page, much like if you double-posted in one day.
In addition, if that rating should change so that it becomes higher than -1, then the post will re-appear on the front page, until it falls below -1 again.
We had a lot of fun freaking out n00bs by making their posts appear and disappear when this first came out.
Good to see you back, Christina
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-04-13 15:53:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-13 15:23:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
aren't you ever going to post any stories from your cruise-ship days?
I have to believe that SOMEthing interesting must haver happened...
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-13 14:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being the good wife I am, I ignored it and went to work.
~~~~
haha
I love you Stin
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How long have you been in the US?
most people get shot at in the first week.
_______
Maine has a three month law.
Submitted by BuckeyesTHEGAME (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:18:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I miss Maine. I mean, really...I would do just about anything to go back.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-04-13 12:33:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good story and well told.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:44:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i love maine
and crazies
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How long have you been in the US?
most people get shot at in the first week.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:23:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit is it weird.
It's still snowing in Maine - right now, Texarse isn't looking all that bad. I am so over winter.
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I am SO fucking ready to move to Florida. I had to put it in 4wd last night to avoid dieing on 101 East.
We should get together sometime. I'm still living in NH, but I'm in Dover quite a bit now. Now that you're moving closer to there (as I will shortly) it makes things much easier.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:07:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The entire extent of my knowledge of Maine comes from Stephen King books.
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-04-13 08:40:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You were one of the good ones.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2007-04-13 08:08:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Alrighty Rich. I'll mail ya.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-13 07:33:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Execute a left hand u-turn and promptly remove the cock in your ass. After that, give testimony to the leprechaun community that has been trapped in your ass behind the massive cock, which has now been removed. Tell them the travesty of cow fucking incident.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2007-04-13 06:13:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, Dee.
How's the driving / Cov?
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2007-04-13 06:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jesus! My mind's in the gutter again. I couldn't help but laugh at the filename.
Submitted by Soley_Trinity (user info) at 2007-04-13 05:57:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Next time you score copious amounts of drugs on tick, pay the man downstairs when you say you will.
It's good to see you post. Don't leave it so long next time, Stina.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-13 05:54:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-04-13 05:46:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey Stin!
Good to see you are still writing!
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-04-13 04:18:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Congratulations stin! You've been involved in gunfire and thus qualify as 'gangsta'. I've heard that that's the second step to being an American after learning the national anthem.
Submitted by Dervel (user info) at 2007-04-13 03:16:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The gun toting roustabouts. Write him a strongly worded letter, that'll teach them.
Submitted by hot_pocket (user info) at 2007-04-13 02:04:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so did the guy below you actualy shoot at his ceiling sending the bullet through your floor in the cabinet? or did he just get arrested for it?
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-13 01:57:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gangs, guns and dope at that high of a latitude?
Tell me it ain't so.
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-04-13 01:57:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
NH = the rest of the United States' last defense againsed Maine
Submitted by kuroneko_sama (user info) at 2007-04-13 01:53:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
we have a newicks in NH
good stuff, better than the weathervane
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-12 23:17:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It's also got a Newicks, showing those smug New Hampshire seafood lovers what-for.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-12 23:15:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maine has blueberries too.
Gotta love how McDonalds cashes in on that with their blueberry pies. Lobster rolls too.
AYUH
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-12 22:54:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It disappeared from the front page because Bart reworked it so that posts with a less than a certain rating after a certain number of reviews are gone - the front page was overcluttered with crap for a while.
And I *THINK* it's -1 after 10 ratings? But I'm not sure...
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Submitted by Miss_Collins (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you were a bitch on my review for my story so i thought i would do the same. bitch.
*************
Wow. Crystle is almost the only one who puts comments ABOVE rather than below. Except for Homer42. Does that mean anything? You bet it does, Homer/Crystle. Homer was an asshole, so what do you think??
Submitted by Axolotl (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by momanlad (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another reason why guns should not be allowed in the United States!! I have to say an impressive police response.
Submitted by FilthyAssistant (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:47:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've been meaning to ask you this forever - have you registered for overseas voting? I can't make sense of it - it seems like they want me to find an english person living abroad to verify my identity which makes absolutely no sense, because the word of some cockney oik should not trump a passport and I live in the fucking arse end of nowhere where you're considered foriegn if you're from Chicago.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:35:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh yeah.. welcome back :-)
not that it means as from from me as I wish it would...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:33:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It disappeared from the front page because Bart reworked it so that posts with a less than a certain rating after a certain number of reviews are gone - the front page was overcluttered with crap for a while.
And I *THINK* it's -1 after 10 ratings? But I'm not sure...
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Submitted by Miss_Collins (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you were a bitch on my review for my story so i thought i would do the same. bitch.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The entire extent of my knowledge of Maine comes from Stephen King books.
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:18:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are still alive.
I thought the Yanks had buned you as a witch.
-Dave
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:13:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*good*
sheesh!
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:12:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Goos story. Don't stay away so long next time.
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-04-12 21:04:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:49:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cool story
Submitted by Miss_Collins (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
aww, you gave me 0 instead of a -2..is it because im your little dancing queen?
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:44:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that's what happens when you move into a country with half of its population being third world people.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:41:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Fatteriffic, I've been sick and on NyQuil. Quite frankly, I'd sleep through WW3 at this point. Hubby is also a fan of white noise since we live near a railway track. You can block out just about anything with enough fans, clocks and earplugs.
Submitted by Fatterrific (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:36:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Does that mean you slept through gunshots upstairs? You must be pretty fuckin' heavy sleepers.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:30:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It's been a long time...
So you and fiance coming back to New England any time soon?
I could put you in touch with someone who can shoot authentic bullet holes in your floors from below.....
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:26:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
my fiance is from MA she was born in NY but grew up outside of bwoston.
she goes on and on and on about cold water lobster.
so i raped her and pushed her down the stairs.
it can' t be rape if we are in a relationship.
right?
(that was for old times sake chica!)
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:24:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Believe it or not, I'm moving closer. My husband works on the NH seacoast, so we can't really get away with further north.
That's fucking cold, Apollo. No matter how you look at it. Almost makes Maine start looking good again.
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:21:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maine rules.
You probably want to move a little farther down east than Portland though. Bonus consequence: you'll be farther away from the Bush clan.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:16:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i spend mon-thur in alberta - namely edmonton.
you haven't seen cold until you've been there.
jeeeeeeesus.
-30 in january - a nigger can't breathe.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ahhhhh.
It's good to be back.
Submitted by Miss_Collins (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:14:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
you were a bitch on my review for my story so i thought i would do the same. bitch.
Submitted by Stin (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:14:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit is it weird.
It's still snowing in Maine - right now, Texarse isn't looking all that bad. I am so over winter.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-12 20:12:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'merica is weird eh?
least you aint in texarse.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-12 19:59:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think I used to like Stin.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-12 19:54:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, at least David Caruso didnt turn up. Hate that guy.
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-04-12 19:48:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Holy shit. That could have been bad. Imagine if you had gone downstairs to get a juice or something in the middle of the night. Wow.
Fucking loser shootin' holes in your house....
Anyways, good story and well told.