Fucking Happy Easter, My Ass! (821 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.53 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Sphagnum (View user info) at 2007-04-12 22:50:57 EDT
I moved house last week. After months of searching through decrepit hell-holes and overpriced Wog mansions, I settled on a nice little three bedroom place that was affordable and had potential to be improved upon.
So several hassles and a substantial amount of cabbage later, I was the proud owner of my own home. Which is not too bad for a perennial internet loser like myself.
After settlement had finally taken place and I had been given the keys to begin making preparations to move in, I was finally able to breath a sigh of relief and relax, knowing that the hard work was all over.
Once again, Sphagnum was very fucking wrong...
On Easter Sunday, I'd booked a truck to go up to a relative's place and pick up some furniture that they were trying to off-load which everyone agreed I might be able to benefit from. At about quarter to nine on Sunday morning, Myself and a couple of mates (One of which was the driver) headed off on what should've been a three and a half hour round trip to pick the stuff up and bring it back to my new abode.
Now let me clear up a couple of things before I go on. I have been working in a 24/7 job for the last three and half years which meant that public holidays mean nothing and you rarely ever got more than your two rostered days off. Since February, I have begun working in the office - nine to five - Monday to Friday. This meant that for the first time in years, I had a four day weekend.
Needless to say, I got on the piss on Thursday night after work finished and by Sunday morning, I was an absolute mess. My brain had stopped functioning and there was pure alcohol seeping out of every orifice in my body.
Now because I wasn't driving and had the two boys to help, this shouldn't have been a problem, right?
Wrong! Neither of them come from this state so they had absolutely no idea where they were going, which meant it was my job to be the navigator.
Now I've done this trip a thousand times. I've been going up there since I was born and it can easily be done on auto-pilot. The problem is, I've only ever gone up in a car. Never in a truck.
Big deal, right?
Wrong again! Trucks are a hell of a lot bigger than cars and more inclined to break stuff if it isn't high enough for them to get under. Either they break stuff or they get stuck under it. Unfortunately for us, it was a combination of both.
"Turn right up here and go under the bridge" I muttered through an alcohol enforced daze.
"Are we going to make it under this thi..."
**** BOOM ****
"What the fuck was that?"
"I don't know but the truck ain't moving anymore."
I opened the passenger door, which in itself was a mistake, because it meant that I fell out of the truck.
(Following the simple formula of: [Too many beers + Not enough sleep = Falling on your ass], you will easily be able to understand why.)
I stood up and dusted myself off. I looked around, slightly disorientated, trying to work out where I was and how I got here. I turned around and ran face first into the truck, once again planting myself firmly on my ass.
The laughter coming from the truck snapped me back into reality as I found my feet again and looked up to see what had impeded our progress. I instantly felt 3 days of take away and alcohol fall to the lowest part of my stomach as I realised the predicament we were in.
Fortunately for them, the Railway authority of New South Wales (Railcorp) had been smart enough to install a clearance structure about 15 metres before an underground railway crossing. Obviously, it was designed to stop vehicles that were too big from crashing through the train tracks and taking out the main arterial line to the central coast until it could be repaired.
Unfortunately for us, we were now firmly wedged under a two tonne cross beam that had successfully maintained its one and only function.
After a quick call to the police, the road was closed and there were various people standing around in fluorescent orange jackets, laughing at our unbelievable stupidity. The general consensus was that we were to be forgiven based on the fact that it had happened about 50 times in the last 10 years and it was a pretty straightforward process to get us out.
The problem was, however, that they were worried about the stability of the structure and weren't prepared to do anything until the Railcorp engineers had given the all clear and an assurance that the damn thing wasn't going anywhere if it was messed around with.
Thirty cigarettes and three hours later we were finally removed from the structure, simply by continuing on through it, then turning the truck around and slowly driving back through it again. What a smart chief engineer that guy was. Instead of using their equipment to get us out, they used the truck instead, costing them nothing and minimising their liability.
Luckily, the truck wasn't injured on the way back through, due to the controlled circumstances of the re-entry.
I'll never forget the look on the poor bastard's face when we returned the truck that evening.
"What the fuck happened?" he asked politely.
"Don't ask", we replied. "Just give us the paperwork we need to fill out."
Needless to say, we tore into a thousand beers that evening in an effort to erase what had been a very traumatic Easter Sunday.
I can't wait to get the bill from the truck company. The only thing they don't insure for is overhead damage.
Knowing my luck, I'll probably have to sell the house in order to pay the repair bill.
Fucking Happy Easter, my ass.
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-06-04 16:26:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
SFAG ABOVE
Submitted by Girlwithaclue (user info) at 2007-04-13 15:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It can only go up from here.....
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-04-13 13:36:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-13 12:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I see by looking at the picture you moved to Japan - congratulations on getting out of Australia, land of fucktards.
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Are you dumb? That was the most retarded review I've ever seen.
Perhaps you can read the filename. Maybe that will help your little brain understand.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-13 12:24:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I see by looking at the picture you moved to Japan - congratulations on getting out of Australia, land of fucktards.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-13 10:41:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
6/43
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-04-13 10:35:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-13 10:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
5/32
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-13 10:16:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I took out a couple of tree limbs with a rented Ryder truck once...which was AWESOME.
Smashing the electronic gate of the storage facility with the same truck wasn't as awesome.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
4/12
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:45:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ireland now = 3/2
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:45:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ireland = 2/2
Submitted by MEGACITO (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:36:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i hate you
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hm. We could use those here in the states. I got caught up in traffic on Sturrow Drive in Boston because some dumb cunt ignored the fact that her moving truck hit the little sign dangling from chains above the road and plowed right into the next fucking overpass anyway, peeling off the ENTIRE TOP of the fucking thing and blocking traffic FOR LIGHT YEARS BEHIND HER!
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-13 09:18:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Are we going to make it under this thi..."
**** BOOM ****
"What the fuck was that?"
"I don't know but the truck ain't moving anymore."
============================
Aaaaaaaaaahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha. Best of luck in your new house mate.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-13 07:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read this but I feel obligated to wish you the best in your new house.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-04-13 05:52:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+1 for the pic.
+1 for being drunk.
Keep da eye on da ball!!!!
Submitted by Fungah (user info) at 2007-04-13 03:55:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
My hair is burned.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-13 01:34:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
The next time, release half the air out of the tires....I mean tyres, and burn rubber out-a-there
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-13 01:10:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
class
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-04-13 00:27:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-12 23:43:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-04-12 23:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very entertaining.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-12 23:35:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You got done.
Submitted by r0fl (user info) at 2007-04-12 23:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of the first Sphagnum posts I've read entirely. Congratulations.
The alcohol I'm ingesting in heavy amounts may have something to do with it, however.
Ah, drunk Uber.
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-04-12 23:22:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I'm more crappy than I am awesome though
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-12 23:21:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
crappy... yet awesome.
Just like you, pooky.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-04-12 23:01:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol
Submitted by BeaverDamn (user info) at 2007-04-12 22:59:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I see those things, but I've never seen an actual vehicle get smashed. Try that at McDonald's sometime and see what they say.