SUPA: I was the first into Dunsinane (870 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.87 on 41 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Young Siward (View user info) at 2007-04-15 03:08:11 EDT
I was the first into Great Dunsinane;
On that night the tyrant was overthrown.
I stormed in quick after the batt'ring ram...
Glorious day! Seeds of freedom were sown!
Eighteen I was, and full of bravado,
Crossing the field with my comrades in arms
We reached Birnam wood and then made our camp.
From afar rang the castle's alarums...
Sound. Castle alarums.
We hewed down the forest; bough per each man,
To disguise ourselves from their defenses.
After a long bloody siege our battle
Pushed through to their deepest entrenchments;
We slogged through their moat, we bashed at their gate,
With a fire-headed timber of doom...
A crack in the wood, I saw opportune;
And of all, I was the first to break through...
Sound. Hurrahs from the rebels.
Their forces, in chaos, forced to retreat;
Others abandoned the battle all out.
There, through disorder, my way I had found
Inside the palace, the king I sought now!
I would carry his head to my father!
Malcolm would name me second in command!
My instinct came back as cries of women
Howled from rooms deep within the bastion.
Sound. Wailing of women.
"Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow"
I now heard while creeping toward his chamber
I entered with his crownéd figure turned
This must be my foe; but just to be sure...
"What is thy name?" he told me what I knew;
"Most hateful to my ear!" Said I and drew.
Parrying, riposting, a fight to death;
Our swords echoing through the battlements.
Sound. Clashing of steel.
The fight from outside had slowed my sword down,
And weariness and the fear soon set in.
The King, quite a swordsman, he was now fresh
And we both knew the bout would soon end.
But I was the first into Dunsinane!
Of all rebels I was first to taste death.
I'm of woman born, and for that I'm slain,
By the bloody and the brutal Macbeth.
Sound. Fury. Signifying nothing.
User Reviews
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-24 11:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Little Sally Walker,
Sittin' in a saucer
Ride, Sally ride
Wipe your weepin' eyes
Put your hands on your hips
And let your back bone slip
I want you to
Shake it to the east
Awww, I moved that-a baby
Shake it to the west
I moved I moved that baby
Shake it to the very one
That you love the best
Little Sally Walker
Tell me what you're gonna do
Little Sally Walker
I'm in love with you
Hup hup hup, owww
hup hup hup, owww
Little Sally Walker
I see ya sittin' in your saucer
Rise and do the jerk
I love to see you work
Yeah
Little Sally Walker
Tell me what you're gonna do
Little Sally Walker
I'm in love with you
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...
Put your hands on your hips
Ahh, got it
Let your back bone slip
Back bone slip now
Shake it to the east
Shake shake shake
Shake shake shake shake it
Shake it to the west
Shake shake shake
Shake shake shake shake it
Shake it to the very one
That you love the best
Come on now
Little Sally Walker
Oh shake it Sally
Shake it Sally Walker
Oh shake it Sally
Shake shake Sally Walker
Oh-h-h-h
Shakin' it Sally Walker
Oh-h-h-h
Shakin' it Sally Walker
I shook it baby
Shake shake Sally Walker
I shook it baby
Little Sally Walker
Watch me shake it baby
Shake it Sally Walker
Oooohhhhh
Shake shake Sally Walker
Little Sally Walker
Shake it now
Shake shake Sally Walker
I shook it baby...
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-08-08 04:31:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fuck you simon. I mean this like i've never meant this:
FAG BELOW
Submitted by storm (user info) at 2007-07-28 08:15:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/u/sicosemen
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-20 20:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brooklyn Dodgers were okay. LA...not so much.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-20 19:42:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I hate the fuckin' Dodgers, too. Fuckin' Dodgers.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-20 00:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahahaha... i eat bunnies for breakfast
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-04-19 23:03:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
bunnies.
Submitted by goferforhire (user info) at 2007-04-19 04:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your poem might have been a little better than mine this time honestly. Good work. That is in fact a picture of me, but it had been posted (by me) in a separate post earlier that day. Emmakwan was, in fact, mocking me. I just chose not to acknowledge him.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-19 04:20:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was kick ass... sorry I am late - but I'm glad I didn't rock the boat.
Submitted by WatchMyStep (user info) at 2007-04-18 23:58:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-18 23:47:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-17 10:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with Drake. I'm no critic, I just like stuff or I dont. This, I liked.
---
I believe that's the mark of a good poem. Not being able to explain why you enjoy it. If you can, it means you can dissect and compartmentalize what about language and motion pleases you, and that would be a very sad day. And if you can completely explain away something, doesn't it mean you've mastered it?
Who would want to master words?
This was excellent. Direction, rhyme, accented Es, dialogue and, importantly, a sense of itself.
Look at you dipping your chocolate donut into the lyrical sprinkle basket.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-18 22:48:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was excellent.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-18 12:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow.
I really, really enjoyed this.
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-04-17 21:18:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are awesome.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-17 10:07:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm with Drake. I'm no critic, I just like stuff or I dont. This, I liked.
Personally, I don't see myself getting far in this thing.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-16 17:05:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know fuck all about poetry but I know what I like.
p.s. I liked this.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-16 15:24:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-15 18:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BULLSHIT!!!!! This is a great piece of writing. Like I said before, forget the technical shit and go with the flow. It was well done, so leave it at that...
~~~
I agree. Poetry is what you feel. It can be in many styles or one you even make up yourself as long as it reads coherently and is a joy to the author and the reader alike.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:30:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are SO close to iambic pentameter I can smell it.
A few articles added or subtracted here and there and minor changes would do it, which would be truly excellent.
Though this was from your muse untimely ripped
It still defeats the nature of the beast
I cannot stay laconic or tight lipped
Plus two is therefore offered in the least
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-16 09:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What Bubba and ahumblefool said. Well done my friend.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-15 23:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
1.5 maybe.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-15 22:31:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2007-04-15 20:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Maybe I am wrong here, and if I am so goes my Literature degree, but, why does poetry have to flow in any form? Now, I know that there are many types of poetry following strict rules of flow and time, but, what of free verse, ((Free verse (also at times referred to as vers libre) is a term describing various styles of poetry that are not written using strict meter or rhyme, but that still are recognizable as 'poetry' by virtue of complex patterns of one sort or another that readers will perceive to be part of a coherent whole.))
EE Cummings and others have utilized this style with great success. Although we lose timing in this piece, the work as a whole, is very well done. It holds strongly as poetry by being a very well documented moment it time, and fits withing the "coherent whole."
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-15 18:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-15 17:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah you'e right. It can be but you really have to force it and it doesn't sound natural when you do. fuck it. i wish i hadn't said anything.
*************
BULLSHIT!!!!! This is a great piece of writing. Like I said before, forget the technical shit and go with the flow. It was well done, so leave it at that...
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-15 17:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yeah you'e right. It can be but you really have to force it and it doesn't sound natural when you do. fuck it. i wish i hadn't said anything.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-04-15 17:26:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
+ hearts and kisses and bunnies.
Submitted by ghola (user info) at 2007-04-15 17:24:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this isn't iambic pentameter. unless you meant to deviate on almost every single line.
some deviations are okay, this just didn't do it.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-15 15:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, bubba and sac, fair enough; but I'm trying to mimic shakespeare's blank verse, where often words are stressed and it sounds stilted, but it's not meant to be spoken in any particular rythym, just said naturally. for example, one line from Macbeth is "great birnam wood to high dunsinane hill"; in performance you wouldn't stress the middle si in "dunsinane"; it would sound strange, but it is written in a meter. That's what I meant, but obviously I'm no shakespeare. I enjoy the dialogue and crit though, and I do see what you're saying. And I think all lines are ten except for "tomorrow..." and "howled..." which is nine, but ends with "bastion" which can be stretched to three syllables to fit the meter. Anyway, I'm not being defensive; it's just raining out and I'm having fun discussing shakespeare and poetry. And sac no apologies needed, I don't care too much about ratings or the contest, just having fun.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-15 15:08:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, shoot. If I hadn't spaced and I'd realized you were in, I would have waited for pairs to be posted to rate- I don't like to rerate based on opponent entries, so I try to be fair and hold off.
I don't want to skew other ratings, but since you asked-
While many of your lines are 10 syllables, I didn't notice the intended rhythm, to
be honest, because many of the stressed syllables would not naturally be stressed if read
aloud.
examples:
GlorIous day! Seeds OF freeDOM were sown! "Glor", "seeds", or "free" would be
stressed naturally when spoken, instead of "i" and "of".
oTHERS aBANdoned THE batTLE all OUT. Same here with "the" and "ttle."
Some lines that read naturally to me were:
"I ENtered WITH his CROWNéd FIGure TURNed"
"Our SWORDS echOing THROUGH the BATTlements."
Also, if I'm not mistaken, there are a few lines that are only 9 syllables.
I know it's near impossible to avoid some awkwardness when writing in iambic
pentameter, because it's so confining relative to the natural structure of
sentences. I think the story here is great, and I don't mean to take anything
from it.
I apologize if I need to come back and rerate later.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-04-15 15:01:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-15 13:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your rhythm either needs a lot of work
Sac, this is in perfect iambic pentameter. The only line that isn't is "tomorrow..." which is quoted. What do you mean?
***********
Erm....it isn't in perfect iambic pentameter. The short/long short/long of iambic is deviated from several times, and extra words/syllables in some lines throws off the rhythm, which I think is what Sac was saying.
Regardless of the technical shit, it was well done. It goes without saying you will need to tighten up if you come up against The Orgasmatron...
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-15 14:24:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I made no attempt at iambic, much less pentameter. I'm done now. I love beer.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-15 14:24:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes, it should be mine ear. At one time it was... i don't know why i changed it.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-15 14:19:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*mine* ear
Call me Elizabethan Bubba, but don't critique my Elizabethan rap post. I made some mistakes.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-15 13:54:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Your rhythm either needs a lot of work
Sac, this is in perfect iambic pentameter. The only line that isn't is "tomorrow..." which is quoted. What do you mean?
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2007-04-15 12:04:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow, that is all I can say.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-15 09:47:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh wow- you DID get the spot- very nice.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-15 09:44:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your rhythm either needs a lot of work, or you might want to discard it altogether. But otherwise, this was wonderful.
Your matchup last round was one of the best. I wish you had moved on as well as CT; that was a great entry.
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2007-04-15 09:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-15 09:28:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You would have thrashed even O with this.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-15 04:27:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I lived in Kemnay.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-15 04:27:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not to mention Scotland.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-15 04:19:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh...what the hell. I'm not supposed to be rating these. Who are you up against?
Normally, anything with Shakespearean references gets a +2 from me...especially after the D'Backs win in my physical presence and I've been drinking a while.
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