Coming of Age Tale That Has Nothing To Do With The Title (752 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.64 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Average_Dan (View user info) at 2007-04-16 11:43:03 EDT
In every man's life, there comes a time when he realizes that he needs balance.
That would probably be a profoundly deep statement if I was using it in a metaphoric sense; however, I was talking about balance like a tight-rope walker's balance. The kind of balance that never leaves you tripping over your own feet when you're walking into a packed classroom that's shrouded in silence because they're in the middle of a mid-term exam on the fundamental principals of polytheism. When you fall in the doorway, it might as well have been the first thunderclap known to man because the sound of your body hitting the floor, your laptop shooting at half the speed of sound across the laminate floor, or the stack of papers that went flying in the air like an instant snow storm was just enough to draw the complete attention of every one of the 44 individuals in said classroom. Not knowing how to react, you freeze and hope everything will go away. That the "make everything better" fairy is going to pay you a visit, rub your nipples a little bit and tell you that everything will work out in the end. Unfortunately, he must have taken the day off, because not only was everything *not* ok, the door that you were walking through at the time of your unfortunate loss of balance is on a self-closing system, so laying there frozen only adds insult to injury as the door swings shut on your head, making a somewhat hollow, acoustic, percussive sound. At which time the uncomfortable silence of everyone in the classroom turns to mocking, vehement laughter.
That kind of balance!
I've decided that the only way to avoid situations like this is to work tirelessly on balance, which should explain why no one has seen me out lately. It may also explain, at least to my neighbors, why they always catch me standing on one foot precariously perched on the handrails of my second story balcony that overlooks my shoddy garden. If it doesn't, no worries, it doesn't explain anything to me either.
Now, the balcony of which I make mention, was obviously built by someone who had no love for wood.
"That's what she said".
Thank you, but I have no time for such paltry innuendos. There's a story to be told here.
So back to the wood...
Really, you have such a dirty mind.
I was practicing a move in which the planted leg is bent at a 90 degree angle, the head and body are dangling over the edge and the opposite leg is sticking straight out behind you like a tail. This move is tricky on a firm surface, even trickier when performed at great heights and standing on your big toe only. I was deep in silent meditation, which is probably why I was unaware that the wood beneath my toe (not to be confused with the wind beneath my wings, which would turn out to be exactly opposite) was creaking with the weight of an entire body on a surface area the size of a quarter. The last thing I remember thinking before I crashed one story downward into a pile of Average_Dan, was how monotonous Sigourney Weaver's narrative on the new series Planet Earth series is.
Things to check off of my "To-Do" list: Make a joke about Sigourney Weaver on the internet.
I've been waiting years to cross that off.
I guess the lesson here is; build more sturdy hand railing, people!! I don't see what the big deal with taking some pride in your work is. If just one of us a day takes a job that we normally do, and put all of our heart and soul into it, accidents like this wouldn't occur. This would make the world a mo' bettah place to live in. And wouldn't that be nice?
User Reviews
Submitted by Maddog (user info) at 2009-06-30 20:52:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dan, where have you been? Dude, we should catch up.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-06-19 00:27:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Affectionate Comment That Has Nothing To Do With The Post
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-04-17 16:24:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-17 13:01:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-04-17 10:18:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by coley (user info) at 2007-04-16 23:57:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny; my list of things to do has stuff crossed off like "get in a van with strangers".
Hmph.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-16 20:18:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha!
Submitted by MEGACITO (user info) at 2007-04-16 13:04:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
fuk u all
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:31:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:22:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahhahhah@ Drake
I love that movie. I'd sooo fuck Kevin Smith and not feel gay about it.
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Yeah, he's especially good in that movie where he has the beard....
...and the trenchcoat.
....and......the hat.
(read: all of them)
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:22:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:19:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahhahhah@ Drake
I love that movie. I'd sooo fuck Kevin Smith and not feel gay about it.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:17:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is porch monkey a racial term?
============
no, it's not. Coon, spook, jigaboo, moolie, nig-nog, THOSE are racial terms.
It's cool, I'm taking it back.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:08:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Damn, I meant the Planet Earth Series on The Discovery Channel! These hands of mine cannot be trusted.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:05:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
OH AVERAGE _ DAN!!!!
I've missed you so!
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:03:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is long, strong, and bound to get the friction on.
Submitted by Average_Dan (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:02:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is porch monkey a racial term?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-16 11:49:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-16 11:48:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Porch Monkey 4 Life!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-16 11:47:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have a sturdy porch railing. You should come over, we could practice our balance together.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-16 11:45:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whaa?
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-16 11:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment