Never Date an Actress - Reason #1 (1862 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.89 on 33 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Smurfs (View user info) at 2007-04-16 12:40:52 EDT
I haven't posted in ages - love to all the old fogeys
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It's inevitable after your third or fourth Jack and Coke you'll say something the toes the line. Perhaps, joining the ranks of recently disgraced shock jocks, you'll cross that line. A sexist remark. A racist joke. You mock the train wreck occurring in the corner - your buddy hungrily pawing the weathered ex-crack-whore bar back.
It's rare you adamantly accuse your date of murder, on the first date at least.
I, however, Vinny 'da ferret' Gambino, the one night only mafia hit man, twirled on my date, Sarah Chapman and leveled just such an accusation. Her neck flushed, blending into a red flapper dress stretched provocatively across her thighs. "What?!" Her voice cracked slightly, the incredulousness apparent as it rang off the walls of the small apartment.
"You killed her." I was sure and I was strong; I was hopefully not slurring my words in front of the small crowd of colleges seated upon couches and folding chairs that were exchanging glances.
"I did not," she responded heatedly.
I nodded, at least seven or eight times, the ice cubes in my glass clinking with my bobbing head.
"Ya stabbed her, in cold blood... you icy monster!" I'll admit, I had begun embellishing; she was actually quite cute and warm. I think she worked with babies or something. She was the friend of a friend's friend. I had been fixed up because well, between law school and a general lack of money and interest, the closest to a date I had been on was sitting next to my roommate's girlfriend as we all watched Lady & the Tramp.
So, to "ease my pain," a friend had invited me to a party his girlfriend was throwing. A couples party. A murder mystery party. A party where I would be the only single guy in attendance and she'd be the only single girl. This of course would not lead to forced, awkward conversation. I didn't even get a picture.
I did however, get a bio to memorize a week in advance. I, Mike, darling hermit of the law community, was to be big bad Vinny 'da ferret' Gambino, a mafia goon. I'm overly domineering, a womanizer, and a boozehound. I'm quite proud of my physique and I had just finished serving a stint for battery. Of my girlfriend. Who would also be at the party.
Thanks to techniques I have honed at law school, I made the logical leap to who my girlfriend would most likely be. I reminded myself to slap my friend the next time I saw him.
* * *
She was pouring herself a drink when we were introduced. As her cold hand slipped into mine a coy smile caught the corner of her lips. "Hey slugger... keep your hands to yourself tonight, huh?" My eyes widened as I quickly jammed my hand into my pocket.
"I, uh."
She laughed, and hugged me, "Your character silly! A black eye is a horrible first impression."
I nodded uncomfortably.
As we introduced ourselves to the rest of the guests, she constantly referred to me as her batterer-abuser-son-of-a-bitch boyfriend. She was convincing. I, along with the rest of the guests, began to wonder if I had hit her. Apparently, NYU has a decent theatre program.
The party kicked into gear. Drinks were consumed, guests were killed, and it was enjoyable. Unfortunately or fortunately, my character description described Vinny as always having a full drink in his hand. The problem was that the glass kept ending up empty.
Amidst the mingling, and the seemingly endless runs to the kitchen to 'make sure my glass stayed full,' I lost sight of my date until we were reunited when it came time to name the murderer.
As luck would have it we were to go first and, without bothering to consult, I leveled my finger directly in the direction of my date. "You murdered him, you're the murderer!" My voice may have wavered unsteadily, but time had begun to develop a molasses texture. My accusation was denied. An icy insult was hurled. Denied again.
Climbing to my feet, Jack splashing from my glass, I straightened, towering over my demure date who sat uneasily upon the couch. From my vantage, I, still in the character of tough guy Vinny 'da ferret' Gambino, raised my arm back behind my head and snarled. Unfurling my palm, stretching my fingers, I cocked my arm back and through clenched teeth hissed, "Admit you murdered him or so help me I will smack the shit out of you."
. . .
Have you ever been in the epicenter of the storm when all the air is sucked out of a room? With twelve pairs of eyes staring at me, the most telling being beneath me and having tears welling from them, I laughed, uneasily and staggered a couple steps back.
My date erupted into a torrent of tears, her mascara sliding down her cheeks and caking her fingernails. Her back lurched as each sob wracked her body to each sharp intake of breath. She let loose a pitiful wail that reverberated around the room, sending the puppy scampering. Crying uncontrollably, she lurched off the couch and hurled herself into my friend's arms which protectively clasped around her shuddering frame.
The world stared at me.
I blinked. "I, uh, um... are we no longer in character?"
A long moment of silence, punctuated only by sniffles, was ended by a single, "No."
A cough and more silence as I gently placed my glass upon the corner of the end table, slinked out of the living room and out of the apartment.
As my feet hit the pavement outside, my head spinning for a variety of reasons, I felt a hand upon my back.
"Hey!"
Turning, I found myself looking down at the poor girl that I had just reduced to tears, the girl whom I had made collapse in front of a roomful of strangers, whom I had triggered some awful memory.
"I'm so-"
She cut me off, planting a peck on my check. "That was fun! Here's my number, call me sometime!"
"But... you..."
Laughing, she smiled impishly, "Not at all, best time I've had all month, I'm just glad I can cry on demand."
"But..."
"Oh quiet, it's not like anyone thought you were really going to hit me."
I surveyed the empty street, nodding, "Yeahhh."
User Reviews
Submitted by Brdn_Nkd (user info) at 2007-12-06 16:30:13 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
haha awsome
Submitted by anunusualyetwittyname (user info) at 2007-09-19 13:02:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-17 14:42:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice one.
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2007-04-17 10:26:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by odin (user info) at 2007-04-17 10:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-17 06:03:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was pretty much ace. I'd appreciate it if you could just come back. I have left twice. I came back. I lead by example. My example is supreme. People think highly of me. I fuck a lot. People think this means I'm cool. It does.
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-04-17 05:23:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuck it, this was good.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-17 00:55:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-17 00:25:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ive always wanted to go to one of them things
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-04-16 21:47:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Still haven't read this, but in the future try to be a bit creative with your filenames
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-16 21:35:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-16 18:55:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good stuff...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-16 17:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-16 16:54:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Effective structure, nicely written.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-16 16:42:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is that Prague?
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-04-16 16:41:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
now to read
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-04-16 16:40:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!
Submitted by Badlands (user info) at 2007-04-16 15:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Smurfs.
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-04-16 15:14:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stay far, far away. But.... uh, so who was the murderer?
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:35:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-16 13:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good to see you back.
excellent post
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:19:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You and Comicbookguy have always been my favorite posters
pah!
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool stuff
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:08:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LIKED THE PICTURE
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-04-16 13:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-16 13:19:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-16 13:13:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good to see you back.
excellent post
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-16 13:04:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Very good
Submitted by MEGACITO (user info) at 2007-04-16 13:03:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
....... i'm feeling generous ... don't get used to it ..
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-16 13:00:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Old fogeys"...heh. Nice story.
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:56:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
funny stuff. There are many, many other reasons not to date actresses. The main reason being they are all completely out of their minds.
Submitted by retrospect (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:56:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cool pic. ill read the story later
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:51:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent.
Submitted by Method (user info) at 2007-04-16 12:47:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You and Comicbookguy have always been my favorite posters