I have Habeeb (628 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.29 on 30 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rick <metal10000.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-04-16 14:44:03 EDT
I hate oil companies.
I also need them at the same time, so off to the petro station I go.
This time was like no other, I was half drunk, very horny and over weight. I pulled into the station by my apartment (flat to you UK folks) owned by the large chain of grocery stores who offers a 3 cent discount on gas if you have one of their cards.
I hate grocery stores.
There was a line at all 9 pumps because that 3 cent discount is worth it.
I hate 3 cents.
So I just pull up in the closest line, my gas cap is on the passenger side, so I pull into the line at pump 2.
I hate pump 2.
The truck in front of me pulls away after the redneck driving it fills up and quits scratches his nuts.
I hate rednecks.
So naturally I put my over priced piece of crap car in drive and go to pull forward to get my ass raping from the oil companies.
I hate ass raping.
As I coast forward a blue Ford SUV comes screaming forward head on towards me.
It comes within 1 foot (about 30.48 centimeters for you UK folks) of the headlights of my car to a screeching halt.
It happened so quickly I did not even realize I had not even taken my foot off the gas and had to slam on my break to not hit the SUV.
I hate SUV's.
I go get out of my car and before I can even open the door wide enough to get out, there is an Indian looking guy at my car yelling at me.
"You moherfugger, I here forst! Move you car moherfugger!!"
I hate moherfuggers.
I squeeze out the car door within the small space I have left trying not to just swing the door open wider and nail this guy in the face.
I hate the small space.
"You stoopah moherfugger I here first, you not get the gas, I get the gas, mo yo car!"
Apparently this guy was waiting on the other side of the pump, his gas cap was on the driver side. There was no line on the other side of the pumps, that might be the reason why he went to that side.
I hate that side.
I tell Habeeb, which is his real name but I changed it to protect the guilty, "Fuck off" and walk over to the pump to get my gas.
I hate Habeeb's guilty ass.... And the rest of him too
Habeeb sees me walking to the pump and ignoring his demand to move my car but does not stop his rant of "You stoopah moherfugger I here first, you not get the gas, I get the gas, mo yo car!"
I hate rants of "You stoopah moherfugger I here first, you not get the gas, I get the gas, mo yo car!"
I go to pull my debit card out of my wallet, carrying cash just shows a representation of how poor I am.
I hate being poor.
Habeeb runs over, far more quickly than I thought a Habeeb could run, and puts his hand over the card insert at the pump. He then yells "You stoopah moherfugger I here first, you not get the gas, I get the gas, mo yo car!"
I say, very calmly, "Move your fucking hand you piece of shit or you will get popped!"
Habeeb, of course, does not move his hand and by this time we have drawn attention from the 50 other people who are currently and waiting to get ass raped by the oil companies.
I love drawing attention.
So I do what any other person would have done, I sit down on the hood of my car.
Mental Image
A large parking lot at the far of a grocery store in the early evening. 50 cars lined up amongst the 9 pumps to get ass raped by the oil companies. Everyone staring at me sitting on the hood of my car with my debit card in my hand and Habeeb standing there with his hand over the card insert at the pump 2 feet away yelling "You stoopah moherfugger I here first, you not get the gas, I get the gas, mo yo car!"
Mental Image complete
Eventually he gets the idea that neither of us is going to get gas if he doesn't move, and I show no real interest in moving.
I hate moving.
He takes his hand off the card insert, says "Stoopid white amer - e - can fugg yo!"
I promptly stand up and get in his face and say, once again, very calmly "Fuck you, you stupid piece of shit, you don't like America go back to India!"
I hear a sound that is familiar but akward, it sounds like hands clapping. The audience that we had drawn was actually clapping for what I had said to Habeeb.
I wasn't putting on a show for you fuggers, but thanks for the applause. I wonder if Rob Van Winkle knows that feeling.
Defeated Habeeb gets in his car and yells at his wife, whom I had not seen this entire time. She just sat that while yelled at her in some language, I think it was sheep.
I got my gas, using my debit card, drove around the Ford SUV, and went to leave. There were about 3-4 cars behind me waiting to use that pump so naturally one pulls up to take my place.
I hear the familiar sound of a revving engine, tire screech, and a shrill Indian accent voice yell "You stoopah moherfugger I here first, you not get the gas, I get the gas, mo yo car!"
User Reviews
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-17 15:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by freebie (user info) at 2007-04-17 08:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-04-17 02:22:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fucking foreigners man. I hate that kind of shit.
If I had my way We wouldn't allow anything other than 90 day visas in this country. Take that damn inscription off the statue of liberty and put up a no vacancy sign.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-17 00:41:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-04-16 21:46:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
...yelled at her in some language, I think it was sheep.
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ahhhh... would've been funnier if it was cow. You know. The whole religious thing.
But still funny.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-04-16 20:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
lol
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-04-16 19:23:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
okay then
Submitted by sideshow (user info) at 2007-04-16 19:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome story....the mental imagery was great!
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-04-16 18:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I hate moherfuggers. "
who doesn't
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-04-16 18:07:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well done
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-16 17:35:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I also hate when I forget to edit a complete fucking sentence and it ends up being unreadable shit, such as below.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-16 17:28:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
It happened so quickly I did not even realize I had not even taken my foot off the gas and had to slam on my break to not hit the SUV. """""""
It seems like people make this mistake "brake" and "break" way too often. I do it too.
I hate when I do it.
Submitted by richardcranium (user info) at 2007-04-16 16:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn right, spanky.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-04-16 16:33:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
this is the line that first made me laugh: 'I hate moherfuggers.'
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-16 16:14:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
oops
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-16 16:14:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
YOU RAT BASTARD I HATE U TOO
but this was amusing
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-16 15:44:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-16 11:52:50 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, I like Habeeb.
His MS-Paint pictures are hilarious.
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2007-04-16 15:22:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-04-16 15:10:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, I like Habeeb.
His MS-Paint pictures are hilarious.
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Some are indeed. But I bet he doesn't talk like that or get all upset at gas stations. His motto has always been "Don't get mad, get 'Beebin'".
Submitted by Adamdidit2u (user info) at 2007-04-16 15:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahhahahhahahhahahahahahhhahhahahhahhahahahahhhhahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahaha *ahem* hahahahhahahahhahaha
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:58:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"I think it was sheep."
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:57:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fair
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:55:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You also have caught a case of the dipshits.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, I like Habeeb.
His MS-Paint pictures are hilarious.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:51:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:49:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:48:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually funny.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:48:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done, sir.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-16 14:46:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA