Retribution For Corporate Bullshit Is Nothing To Be Sneezed At (The Day Just Got A Lil' Bit Better) (863 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.86 on 26 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-04-19 11:07:37 EDT
Of all the shitty times to get ill, I get ill now.
Last month in the UK, it was snowing. This month, in the last week we have seen glorious sunshine Yet it's now that I get ill.
Well, I say 'ill', but I have what's technically known as 'a little bit of a cold'. My nose is bunged up, and I cough every now and then. The very worst I have to put up with is having to sleep with my mouth open, so that when I wake, my tongue feels like a dried-up lump of dog shit.
As a male, this would normally dictate that I spend a fortnight in bed, being waited on hand and foot by naked Balinese maidens. But I have just paid a load of builders to do some work on my house, and they're noisy bastards. And apparently, the Balinese maidens I ordered died in the ship's cargo hold when the oxygen ran out.
So, I decided work would be a more comfortable place to be. That way, I could share my misery of having the sniffles with the misery of people who have just been through the death of a loved one. I know it's not exactly an even keel, but I'm sure they'd understand.
Recently, I've been working on the re-pricing of our life cover. In a nut shell, they want to lower the cost of our insurance. This means dropping a few benefits, and scrapping our policy to pay out on certain causes of death.
I had to do some research on our claims over the past two years, and identify the most common forms of unnatural death. Obviously, we would have to keep the main ones, but there were a few obscure ones we decided we could get rid of, without the public knowing any different.
**Why not take advantage of our fantastic new prices!!!! On a typical plan, if you take out cover for £100,000 then you could save a whole 12 pence EVERY month!!**
Just er, make sure you don't die of a benign tumour (should have got it removed when you had the chance), Pneumonia (wrap up warm, bitches) or any other condition which we feel we can sneakily remove from the terms and conditions without you asking too many questions about.
Of late, senior management have asked me to carry out a few tasks which could be considered 'dubious.'
They could also be considered 'fraudulent', 'misleading' and 'tantamount to corporate malpractice', but that would be for the judge to decide, I guess. We're certainly not the first insurance company in history to twist a few figures (read: lie) for the people who insure us as a business.
But that's what they pay me for. To do my bit, and keep the company ticking over by making it seem on the surface that everything is all hunky-fucking-dory.
"How much did we pay out last month, Joey?"
"Just over seven million, on 88 claims."
"Jeez, that sounds a lot....When you do the stats report for the MD, could you spread that over 100 claims, to keep the average payout down a bit?"
"But - "
"That's brilliant, Joey, thanks a million!"
This is typical of the greasy fucker.
We paid out more than our target? Joey'll fix it.
Too many Critical Illness claims? Joey'll fix.
This person has just died for the third time according to our messed up records? For fuck's sake..... oh well, good job Joey knows how to screw the report for us.
My normal line manager is just the same. If he doesn't hit his targets, I just shift a few figures here and there, and everything looks rosy.
This puts me in a tricky predicament. I have to lie for so many people, to so many other people, that it's hard to keep track of what story I'm supposed to stick to at what time. But it's essential for me to keep up the charade in order to keep my nice, easy job which pays me well for doing as little as possible.
So, I just keep track of things as best I can. After all, if the shit ever hit the fan, I've got enough scapegoats to make sure my ass is covered (thanks for leaving all your passwords inside the front cover of your work folder, Dave).
Yesterday, they decided to throw me a curve ball. A little something that caught me off guard.
"Joey, we're going live with the re-price on Monday. The CEO from our re-assurers is coming here for a meeting with me this afternoon, just to make sure everything is in place."
"Yeah? Good for you."
"Actually, I wanted to get you on board"
"Me? What for?"
"Well, after all, you've been involved with the whole thing, so I thought you'd be perfectly placed to explain all our findings to him. After all you ARE the expert, right?"
Oh, you sneaky fucking bastard..........
What he meant was:
"Joey, you've been responsible for fixing all our fuck ups, and lying to these assholes, so when the head honcho gets here, you can take the heat, because I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about, mmkay?"
"Well, I've got a load of stuff to do today, and -"
"Excellent! See you in my office at 3 this afternoon."
Does this guy ever fucking listen?
Once again, I was left with no choice. At 3pm, I headed to his office. I could hear voices behind the closed door, so I knocked and waited. My senior manager's voice came from inside.
"Just a second."
As I stood and waited, I went through my mind, trying to remember just what we had told these people.
Facts, bullshit, figures, more bullshit, seasonal trends in -
ATCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Damn this fucking cold! I sneezed so violently my ears popped with the pressure change.
To make matters worse, I had covered my mouth and nose with my hand. And there was...... 'discharge', for want of a better word.
I stared down at my opened right hand palm, which was full of what looked like a congealed mass of lemon curd. The luminous phlegm / snot combination had combined to give the mixture the texture of chunky piccalilli.
I looked around for something with which to clean the mess.
"Come in!"
Awww, fuck.......
I opened the door with my clean hand and stepped inside. The senior manager was sat in his plush leather chair wearing his favourite Armani suit. Another gentleman was sat to his side.
"Joey, I'd like you to meet Ken. Ken's the Chief Executive of our re-assurers."
"Uh, hi Ken." I nodded in his general direction. He stood up from his chair, leaned across the desk and held his right hand out.
"Hi Joey! Good to meet you. Put it there."
I stared down at the offered handshake - a traditional greeting, nothing more.
Hindsight is a fucking marvellous thing. The sensible thing to do would be to say something like "excuse me, but have you got a tissue I could use", or "I'm sorry, I just need to go to the bathroom."
But instead, I just stood there and stared at the hand for 10 seconds, in the midst of an eerie silence.
Think, damn you, think!
I went against everything my brain was telling me, and simply stuck out my left hand against his right. He gazed down at the wrong hand I was holding out, and then looked up at my face. I said nothing. Just stood there, arm held out, smiling.
After 5 seconds, he lowered his right hand, and lifted his left to meet mine. A simple handshake had just taken nearly 20 seconds.
It felt like longer.
"Right", said Ken, sitting back in his chair. "I'd just like to go over a couple of things from this report you sent us last month."
"What do you want to know?"
"Well, as part of you new re-price, you've changed your terms so that you no longer have to pay out if a customer were to become totally and permanently disabled. Can you explain the theory behind that?"
"Well........ I studied the claims from the past 2 years, and there was only one example where we paid out on TPD....."
Actually, there were four, but I was told to only put one on the report so we could highlight it as something we could scrap. Go figure.
".... So, we felt that we could benefit our customers by removing this option, and putting the cost savings back into the business to be able to offer lower premiums and better value."
What the fuck am I talking about?
"Hmm. Ok, what about this one......."
He asked several questions, and each time I would look to my manager for some kind of support. None came.
Each time he asked another question, I gave him an answer just about convincing enough for him to seem satisfied.
Eventually, he came to an end. The mess in my palm was starting to solidify, like a spent load would dry on a tissue. I needed to get it off, soon.
The senior manager got up from his chair, and told the CEO that he would see him out of the building.
Just as we were leaving the office, the senior manager just couldn't help himself.
"Of course, Ken, Joey wouldn't have been able to assist with this project without my guidance. As you can see, I've taught him well. So when this all goes through, make sure he gets a little bit of credit, I don't want to take all the glory. Isn't that right, Joey?"
Oh, you motherfucking asshole. It's on now! You've done fuck all for this, and I've just saved your ass.
"Yeah, he's right, Ken. I couldn't have done it without him." To show my enthusiasm, I clapped the manager on the manager on his back, several times with my right hand. "That's right - he's a hell of a guy...."
Some might say this was pure spite on my part.
And they'd be damn right.
I can accept the corporate hierarchy for what it is. The big guys get the credit for the small guy's work.
But what I won't accept is your dry cleaning bill.
My hand was clean. And for the first time that day, I felt just a little bit happier.
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-04-20 05:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
tell on everyone
rat them all out
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-04-20 05:02:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
....doesnt hand shaking with the left hand mean disrespect in some countries?
arab ones fer sure. an the UK has tonnes of arabs.
Submitted by consuelo212 (user info) at 2007-04-19 18:30:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should post everyday, if possible.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-04-19 16:55:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-19 16:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Hey there Whistle! How's it going?"
"Fine.... just fine. How 'bout you?"
"Doing good - hey, I have a friend I think would be PERFECT for you...you should totally hook up with Blower..."
Submitted by YELLOW-MAN (user info) at 2007-04-19 16:24:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-04-19 15:05:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
So, I just keep track of things as best I can. After all, if the shit ever hit the fan, I've got enough scapegoats to make sure my ass is covered (thanks for leaving all your passwords inside the front cover of your work folder, Dave).
-----------------
I did that again???
-Dave
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-04-19 14:54:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
GO SWINDON GO!
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-04-19 14:36:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You never cease to amaze me.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-04-19 14:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What scares me about your office stories is that this can't just be an isolated case of corporate fuckery. I bet there are plenty of companies that do this sort of thing and get away with it.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-19 13:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i hope you leverage yourself into a nice fat raise
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-19 13:10:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-04-19 12:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you might work for the worst insurance company ever.
_________________
See, I'd bet he works for a pretty average insurance company.
It's an evil industry.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-19 12:59:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed.
Lots.
I work in health insurance.
So I cried a little, too.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-19 12:52:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome as usual.
You really do work for some shakey bastards.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-04-19 12:24:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think you might work for the worst insurance company ever.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-19 12:22:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
LONG, but good.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:50:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"The mess in my palm was starting to solidify, like a spent load would dry on a tissue"
You have a real way with words.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:30:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-19 16:28:24 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Later, comrade. I'll miss reading all of your terrific writings. I'm sure that I'll read when I have the opportunity. Oh, and go frog fuck yourself with a dildo wrench, you skag fucktard....for old times sake, you know.
---------
Oh, alright then. But it just won't be the same without you there watching...
Submitted by Cyrus (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:30:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"The mess in my palm was starting to solidify, like a spent load would dry on a tissue"
You have a real way with words.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:28:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Later, comrade. I'll miss reading all of your terrific writings. I'm sure that I'll read when I have the opportunity. Oh, and go frog fuck yourself with a dildo wrench, you skag fucktard....for old times sake, you know.
Submitted by LittleMonster (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:23:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For this post I might even get you a packet of crisps with your pint.
I laughed and laughed. I so wanted you to shake his hand though (with the snoty one)
I hate people who give bad handshakes, all limp wristed and weak. It shows bad characture.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:12:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Well, I say 'ill', but I have what's technically known as 'a little bit of a cold'."
--
You have MAN FLU; Youse gonna die, DIE I tell Ya.
*Gets Rossary bead thing and bible and puts on a dress. hmmmm Dress*
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:10:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"The manager on the manager on the back"
So fucking sue me. He probably would.
Submitted by professorfuckface (user info) at 2007-04-19 11:10:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
this post is the autofellatio of blumpkins