Bob the Barbarian (712 hits)
Category: Quotes & StoriesRating: 1.96 on 20 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by ChaosJester <jesterfool18.at.excite.com> (View user info) at 2007-04-20 05:22:32 EDT
Hey!
Hey, you! Yeah, you in funny hat! You come here!
...
Hey, Boss man. I got good story to tell you, now. You like, I promise. It story with lots of fighting, women and treasure. All I want be pocket change to buy booze with. You got money, I can tell. No one who got no money wear that dumb hat.
...
Hey, wait!
You no go to Jackal across street; he rip you off. He say he got good story, but it just old folk tale 'bout Bull with big balls and horny woman with psychological problems.
HEY, FUCK YOU, JACKAL! YOU SIT ON FINGER AND ROTATE!
Now, where I was? Oh yeah, you get drink and chair; come back with pocket change. I tell you wonderful saga 'bout how I used to be great, big warrior with lots of glory.
...
Hey, Boss man, you back already? Good, you must want hear my story. You got money? Eh, this all you got? All right, I guess it enough to get me drunk an' laid tonight. By way, you want 'female company' later tonight, I know great brothel just down road. Pretty women with good teeth, cheap prices, strong booze. It great pla--
Okay, you no want right now. You change mind, you tell ol' Bob here. I hook you up, yeah? So, story begin...
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Many, many year ago, I big, strong warrior (not like scrawny old man now). I kill many men and my name famous. Everyone know Bob the Barbarian. I have big, shiny sword and faithful horse (even though he only have one ear; other one bit off by bear when he was colt) named Fafnir. When I come to new town, big chiefs invite me to home and feed me; sometimes they have pretty daughters (sometimes ugly ones too, but all women pretty in dark, hey?). Big chiefs say I put baby in daughter; they want big, strong warrior in family too. Those good years; had much fun.
Time passes. One day, I find I not as strong or fast like I was. I still kill many men, but I sometimes lose. My sword get worn and even trusty Fafnir not able to run as far or as fast as he used to (people tell me to get new horse; I punch them in face. Fafnir and me are Team. When Fafnir dead, then maybe I find another horse). Big chiefs don't invite Bob into house any more; call me 'Has-Been' and 'Old Man'. I start thinking I should retire, but I don't have much money. I figure I need one last Adventure to get money, then I buy farm somewhere with big pasture for Fafnir to enjoy last years.
I go back to Big City where I started many Adventures when younger. I look for job, but no one wants to hire Bob as bodyguard. No one even wants to hire Bob as assassin; Bob starts to feel useless and old.
One day, while I wander through Market, I see Slave Auction. Bob never own a slave before; Bob traveled too much. This day, though, I start feeling lonely. Fafnir good friend, but he don't talk so good. Then I see old woman in chains being sold. No one wants ugly, old woman so auctioneer drops price to almost nothing. Bob thinks old woman know how to cook. Bob hopes old woman knows medicine to help keep Bob's bones from aching on cold mornings. Bob buys old woman.
Bob takes old woman to Bobs' tent on outskirts of city. Old woman say nothing the whole time. Bob thinks maybe old woman mute, so Bob no talk either. When old woman see Fafnir, she smile (Bob count three teeth), and walks over to pet him. Now, Fafnir old warhorse; he no like strangers (well, he like how they taste...), so I think about pulling old woman away before friend hurt her. Then, Bob gets big surprise; Fafnir act like old woman great friend. Old woman pet Fafnir's head and mutter in strange language. Bob thinks old woman might be witch, but since witch knows healing magic, Bob not angry. Bob thinks he got pretty good deal at auction.
Old witch looks at Bob. Bob notice that her eyes are very pretty green (Bob notice that eyes are only thing about old woman not hideous). Old witch says, "Your friend says that you are looking for money so you can buy a farm. I know where a lot of buried treasure is." Bob becomes very interested in what old woman has to say.
Old witch says that she used to be a princess. Bob skeptical, but he listen 'cause witch is a little scary when she talk; like she knows everything about you just by looking at you. Witch says that, when she was a young woman, raiders come from next kingdom, burn her father's city and take her prisoner. Witch says her father too smart for raiders though. Her father bury cities' treasure in secret place 'cause his oracle told him about the raiders. Bob wonders why father did not kill raiders if he knew they come. Before Bob asks question, old witch says that father knew that he had a choice to make. If he fought off the raiders, more would be sent until his whole kingdom was be destroyed and his people killed. If he let raiders sack his city and kill him, his daughter would come back one day to reclaim the kingdom. Bob thinks this is stupid choice, but Bob only care about treasure.
Old witch say she tells Bob where treasure is, but he must kill king who was responsible for murdering her father. Bob have no problem with killing, but Bob needs proof that treasure exists. Old witch waves her hand over Bob's eyes and Bob has a vision of old man burying lots and lots of gold underneath a tree. Bob then sees old man die on his throne. Old king had good death; he killed four raiders before the rest hacked him down. Bob thinks old man lucky.
Bob agrees to help old woman, but Bob knows he needs help. Bob goes to tavern he knows. Bob finds old friend named Jynks passed out in corner (Jynks' father name him 'cause he say wizard must have cursed Jynks' mother; no other explanation for such an ugly son). Jynks is good thief, but he drink too much. Bob work with Jynks in past 'cause Jynks never remember how much people owe him; he happy if he has enough money to get drunk. Bob picks Jynks up and takes him to tent; tells witch to get him sober. Witch looks at thief for long time, then looks at Bob. Witch says "This man your best friend after Fafnir. Keep him alive." I nod, then wonder how witch knows horses' name.
The next day, we leave Big City. Old witch says evil kings' city many days' travel towards rising sun. Jynks holds head and complains. I ride Fafnir and think about farm. We travel for three days. Besides Jynks' whining, only one interesting thing happen all this time; the second night we camp, old witch sits near Bob across the campfire. Bob looks at old woman's pretty green eyes with flames reflected in them. Bob feels strange for a moment, then old woman's face gets wavy and foggy. Bob thinks he sees another, different face under old womans' skin. Before, Bob can make out face, Jynks makes loud snore and Bob looks away from old witch. When Bob looks back, old woman is old woman again.
At end of third day, we get to evil king's city. Jynks can walk straight by now, so I think we ready to kill the King and get the gold. Old woman leads us through many narrow streets until we get to King's fort on top of hill. Jynks climbs wall while I start fight with the guards. It takes me two minutes to knock out three guards; Big City life has made me soft. Jynks gets to top of wall and drops a rope for me to climb up. Old woman leaps on my back; Fafnir waits at base of wall. Old friend knows what his job is.
When I get to top of wall, Jynks sneaks into shadows. Me and old witch wait. We hear muffled noises and a couple of thumps. Jynks comes back with a small cut over left eye. He looks like he's having fun. We follow thief down deserted corridors and pass by slumped guards. Finally, we get to big double-door; old witch whispers that this is the Kings bedroom. I smile and unsheathe my nicked sword; no more sneaking. I kick open the doors. An old man sits on a big bed with a naked boys head in his lap. I take four running steps and swing blade with both hands. Evil King's head flies off in beautiful arc. Boy is silent for a second before blood spurting from old man's neck covers him, starts screaming. It's time to leave.
We run back through corridors as I laugh long and loud. Killing always makes Bob feel alive. We get back to outer wall and slide down rope. Fort is just starting to wake up. Fafnir is waiting, but he's been busy; two mares wait by him, trembling. I smile and pat Fafnir on nose. We work good together. Me, jynks and the old woman mount the horses and gallop out of town. Old witch says that we have two days travel before we get to the buried treasure.
The next night, we camp in a small cave. While I sleep, I dream that old woman walks over to my still body. Old woman's face shimmers again, and I see that her face is young and beautiful; her green eyes are the only thing that is the same. She drops the shapeless rags that clothe he and her body makes Bob forget to breathe. Old/Young woman kneels beside sleeping Bob and slides beneath his covers. Bob feels weird; he knows he's still asleep 'cause his eyes are closed, but he can feel the warm body next to him. He also can see what is happening like he is sitting next to the two of them. Bob is not stupid; he knows a spell when he sees one. Still, Bob not worried; beautiful naked women probably means that this is good spell.
Old/Young woman climbs on top of Bob. Bob notices that his sleeping body is ready for bed games. Witch guides Bob inside her and begins rocking back and forth. Witch tells Bob that there is no gold for Bob; Witch needs the money to re-build her kingdom. Bob is angry at the betrayal, but gets over it; Witch is making Bob feel too good. Witch says that she can still do something for Bob; she tells Bob to come find her and her kingdom when Bob feels ready. Then, Bob can take no more pleasure and he roars as he climaxes. After, there is only blackness.
Next morning, Bob wakes up to find that Old woman is gone. Bob gets up and realizes that Bob's bones don't hurt any more. Bob looks at himself; his body is young and strong again. Bob stretches and laughs with joy. He no longer wants to buy a farm. Jynks stumbles out of his bed roll. His eyes are clear for the first time Bob can remember and the silver that used to streak his head is gone. Jynks, too, begins to shout in amazement. I look outside the cave and see that Fafnir is a young stallion again also. He proves it by mounting one of the mares. The other one knickers in envy.
We start back towards Big City to celebrate. On the way, we rob a fat, rich merchant on his way to the same place. Maybe he will hire us as bodyguards on his way out of the city.
Someday, I will find the witch again. Bob feels that she has something more she wants from him. Till then, Bob has much fighting to do.
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So, Boss man. You like story, yeah? Good. Told you I no rip you off like Jackal Tell you what, you come back tomorrow, I tell you 'about how I kill dragon. Good story, but I tired now.
You sure you no want brothel? You no know what you miss out on...
Okay.
See you tomorrow, Boss man.
User Reviews
Submitted by triangle_man (user info) at 2007-11-06 12:37:02 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
bob
Submitted by Nellypaal (user info) at 2007-11-06 08:40:00 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Surprisingly good.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-04-22 13:27:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-04-22 13:27:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-04-20 16:46:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This was just gonna be a +1, but I see the pic is a painting, and that's a pretty cool painting.
Submitted by AshK (user info) at 2007-04-20 14:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-20 14:41:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
beautiful naked women probably means that this is good spell.
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really good story.
you dont see too much written in that person around here, but you've pulled it off well.
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-04-20 12:40:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shit that's a painting??? christ i was just thinking awesome photo.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-20 12:17:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I was captivated by the story until I got to the picture.
That painting is by one of the best Afghan painters ever - very well known for an Afghan. The invasion of the Russians in the '80's destroyed SO much. But the Taliban destroyed even more of the art and artists the country had. Makes me SOO incredibly sad.
I grew up with one of that man's paintings in my house.. makes me feel a little homesick to see it. :-(
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-04-20 11:18:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
i so wanna go to a brothel. not in america though.
Submitted by Poopy_Butt_Johnson (user info) at 2007-04-20 11:10:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You write story real good. Me like.
Keep up work good.
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-04-20 11:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cool. Well played.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-20 09:00:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
What Fey and Drogo said. Excellent work mate.
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2007-04-20 08:30:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was a fantastic ending :-)
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-04-20 08:29:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I was actually trying to juxtapose the narrative style a bit 'cause I thought that it would be in character for the narrator, but it didn't quite work out as well as I'd hoped. I've discovered that it's harder for me to write in an inconsistent/illiterate manner than otherwise.
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-04-20 07:02:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You dropped the third person narrative in the middle a couple of times, but other than that no complaints.
You did this really well.
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-04-20 06:28:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
have another...
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-04-20 06:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where did you spring from; other than hell?
Christ I like your stuff. Please stick around as I am enjoying reading your stuff a lot.
To much stuff in the above but I blame it on the ammount of Caffeine running through my system and can't be bothered to go back and correct anything today. No going back!
Submitted by rorrim (user info) at 2007-04-20 06:05:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to buy your magic pencil...
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-04-20 06:03:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 based on your other stories. Haven't read this one yet.