Man and Salesman (1382 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.49 on 45 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Spencer Thompson (View user info) at 2007-04-21 20:55:38 EDT
A MAN is sitting at a table in a small, brightly colored room. The papers appear to be some kind of contract. He leafs through the pages, nodding and circling a few items for later discussion. A SALESMAN in an Italian suit enters, sits at the heavy desk before the Man and looks over his own copy of the contract. The Salesman removes his glasses, folds his hands in front of him, and after a minute the Man returns the attention, placing his own contract back on the table.
SALESMAN: I'm not going to bullshit you any, what am I going to have to do to get you to leave this room a homosexual?
MAN: Well, first things first, I know I'm already getting $20,000 a year for college from you guys, but I'm going to need $2,000 more. I'm not as concerned with everything else so long as I can get more there.
SALESMAN: I believe we can do that, but we may have to extend your lease a year or two, which would mean you'll be a homosexual through... 2017 or 2018.
MAN: Ahhh, see, I was really hoping I could be straight again in time to really start a family.
The Salesman looks contemplatively out his window, trying to come up with an agreement.
SALESMAN: What would you say if we kept it at nine years and instead, you did a public speaking event every year?
MAN: I think I can handle that. I was also wondering, I get full dental with this?
SALESMAN: Yes, and actually you are credited with two minor cosmetic surgeries or one major surgery. I mean, we do have to keep ourselves looking attractive, don't we? The Salesman laughs. Also, should you want to get a sex change, we will cover half the cost.
MAN: Look, though, I'm not planning on becoming a woman, could I trade that for something I may actually use?
SALESMAN: Sorry sir, we have a policy on that.
MAN: Damn, I was really hoping to get a sort of residence... you know, one of those New York high rises you guys always have?
SALESMAN: Oh?
MAN: Yeah, you know, I mean, I've got a little one story ranch right now, in the country no less, and it just doesn't seem very "fabulous," you know? I'm not hoping for a handout, just sort of a, uh... contribution.
SALESMAN: We have a plan for this, actually. Ok, we can offer you either $50,000 to the purchase of a home, apartment, whatever, or $500 a month towards rent, but you have to become part of our outreach program.
MAN: Outreach program?
SALESMAN: Yes, we'll set you up in a somewhat un-gay place, so to speak, and you'll be obligated to refer five recruits before you contract is out. You don't do the work, just refer them to me or one of my associates.
MAN: Oh, so that's why Greg sent me here!
They share a laugh.
SALESMAN: Actually Greg does this as a living. Makes about $80,000-$120,000 a year depending on his performance. He's a good guy. Anyway, is there anything else you'd like to do over here?
MAN: No, actually. Set me up with that Outreach program.
SALESMAN: Ohhh, I'm sorry, my greatest apologies but I completely forgot, you'll also need to raise your first born son gay.
MAN: Oh, sure, that's fine.
SALESMAN: Alright, I'll draw up the papers and be back in thirty minutes. While I'm gone, you might want to head over to our stock room and help yourself to some courtesy bottles of KY, some tabs of ecstasy, some cashmere vests, the first season of Queer as Folk, and other such things you're going to need.
MAN: It was great doing business with you, I'm looking forward to being a homosexual!
SALESMAN: We're looking forward to you being gay too! He winks
They share a laugh, then fuck on the desk.
The end.
User Reviews
Submitted by domenad (user info) at 2007-04-24 00:38:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-04-23 12:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I refer Caul without being a member?
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Yes, but you don't get the extra $200 off your Elton John tickets.
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-04-24 00:24:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-23 15:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-04-23 12:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I refer Caul without being a member?
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shut up you disgusting man-beast, you were never funny
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BAAAHAHAHA. Marry me.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-23 16:00:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-04-23 15:45:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-04-23 12:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I refer Caul without being a member?
===
shut up you disgusting man-beast, you were never funny
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-04-23 12:47:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Can I refer Caul without being a member?
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-04-23 10:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-04-23 09:49:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-04-23 08:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mark Cuban?
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2007-04-23 00:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ignroe this.
When someone mentions the internet, a few big names immediately jump to mind. Google, the powerful search engine and does practically everything. MySpace, the social networking site that has had its own merchandise ranging from t-shirts to phones. The one site that is perhaps more popular than Google, and more prevalent than MySpace, is YouTube.
The video sharing site, home to over one million videos, has ridden a skyrocket to the height of popularity on the internet. YouTube revolutionized internet video by allowing users to watch video without having to open an external player, download a temporary player, or even download the video to their computer. The idea of "streaming video" allowed users to take the difficulty out of watching videos. In addition to that, by providing a space for anyone to host their own videos, attained an impossibly vast and varied store of videos.
YouTube has reached cult status on the internet. It's the most-visited non-search engine on the internet, and is a cultural phenomenon. To "YouTube" has already become a verb among teens, and YouTube has already launched a few of its users to fame. For example, the band OkGO reached fame after a video the band produced on its own and posted on YouTube became a smash hit.
However, there is controversy to YouTube. There are concerns that YouTube can be used to defame people, or violate their privacy. Companies are angry that suers have posted copyrighted materials on the site, and recently Viacom submitted a multi-billion dollar lawsuit against the website. YouTube, though it continues to grow, may be hampered by these constant legal battles that have befallen it, and torn a rift in the internet community between those who want their free media and those who place absolute trust in copyright law.
Whether YouTube will survive is to be seen, though hopefully this documentary will be able to shed a little light on the matter and make a little money. If it's not put on YouTube.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-04-22 17:15:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-04-22 13:19:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-04-22 11:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-04-22 11:34:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wonder if I could get a deal like that for becoming a lesbian.
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-04-22 08:07:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:32:29 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bears lost the superbowl.
--------------------------------------
YES
YES THEY DID
..............
.......................
.............................
..................................
BOSTON GOT SCARED BY A MOVIE ADVERTISEMENT
IN YO FACE
WOOOO
____
HAHAHAHAHAHHA
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-04-22 04:43:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by gank (user info) at 2007-04-22 04:20:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
$
Submitted by Hookhand (user info) at 2007-04-22 03:42:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This was really surreal and funny until the last sentence. You cumshot yourself in the foot.
Submitted by particle_man58 (user info) at 2007-04-22 03:20:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That was fucked up, but funny. I'm a little confused right now.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-22 00:06:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AL OFF CHICAGO'S BEER IS BREWED IN MILWAUKEE
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-22 00:05:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
AT LEAST ALLOF OUR BEER AINT BREWED FROM THE SAM HIGH PITCHED FAGGOT
OH SAMUEL
YER ROTTIN PUMKIN BREW IS SO COUNTRYISH
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-22 00:03:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:47:20 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
on a serious note, i was wondering something. did they have that champagne on hand in case of a no hitter, or did they keep it in the clubhouse for the refined palates of the white sox aesthetes?
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Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:44:09 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I have nothing against them. I bet they have some wicked pillow fights.
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HAHAH YER A REGULAR FUCKIN CARROT TOP , OR MAVIE EVEN IF U SQUINT A DAVID SPADE
WHY DONT U TRY AND GROW SOME POTATOES U FUCKIN LAND OF IRISH SCUM PARAQNOID HYPER PATRIOTIC NEW YORK BITCH CITY OF DRUNKS
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
on a serious note, i was wondering something. did they have that champagne on hand in case of a no hitter, or did they keep it in the clubhouse for the refined palates of the white sox aesthetes?
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:44:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, I have nothing against them. I bet they have some wicked pillow fights.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:41:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:39:46 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://static.flickr.com/53/149422571_2464cc0169.jpg
lovely.
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OH PICKIN OH THE MINORITUES ARE YA
LOVELY DON IMUS
YER FIRED
LEAST OUR MAYOR AINT A HALF DEAD GOOMBA REJECT FROM NEW YORK
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:40:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Red Sox players hug. White Sox players slip each other the tongue.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:39:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://static.flickr.com/53/149422571_2464cc0169.jpg
lovely.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:36:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:32:29 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bears lost the superbowl.
--------------------------------------
YES
YES THEY DID
..............
.......................
.............................
..................................
BOSTON GOT SCARED BY A MOVIE ADVERTISEMENT
IN YO FACE
WOOOO
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:32:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bears lost the superbowl.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:30:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry spoonman i keep forgettin to give u the proper ratin
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:29:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:17:46 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beeb, you're the king of cheap shots. The only reason people let you get away with it is because your mildly retarded.
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OH IM MILDLY RETARDED EH
WELL AT LEAST I AINT A FAG THAT LIKES BOSTON AND THIER SHITTY "ohh boo hoo we're da underdog" TEAMS
TOM BRADY IS THE TRANSEXUAL INBRED COUSIN OF BEN RUTHLESSBURGER: BUT TOM BRADY IS ALSO A PEDOPHEELIC TRANSGENDER RODEO CLOWN FROM THE 80'S WITH 5 MILLION $$$ WERTH OF PLASTIC SURGURY AND STEROIDS
COWBOY UP YEEE HAWW!!!
CHEAP SHOT THAT QUEER ASS
go rush woo!!!
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your boyfriend cheats on you with my dad
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That's pretty hot. I like older men.
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:17:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Beeb, you're the king of cheap shots. The only reason people let you get away with it is because your mildly retarded.
Submitted by ampersand (user info) at 2007-04-21 23:17:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
your boyfriend cheats on you with my dad
Submitted by wrinklebeast (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:59:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Gay.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:49:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I suspected something of this nature. Sinister.
Submitted by snag (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:30:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:19:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 21:13:37 CDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This must be what its like to sign a contract with the Red Sox or the Patriots
GO WHITE SOX AND BULLS WOO!!!
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eat shit, pudthumper
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AWW DID I HIT A NERVE, YOU LIL FRUIT???
GO WRITE A POEM
Submitted by pen_name (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:13:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This must be what its like to sign a contract with the Red Sox or the Patriots
GO WHITE SOX AND BULLS WOO!!!
-------------------
eat shit, pudthumper
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-04-21 22:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This must be what its like to sign a contract with the Red Sox or the Patriots
GO WHITE SOX AND BULLS WOO!!!
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-21 21:47:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'll take you at your word because there's very few of us still alive.
Submitted by Spooner (user info) at 2007-04-21 21:40:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I break the rules because I'm a badass. I'm a rebel from society and I snort heroin.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-04-21 21:35:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
one per day includes you too
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-04-21 21:32:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha, what the fuck
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-04-21 21:13:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 funny
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2007-04-21 21:03:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny, but all I can say is 'Wow...'