Hey, Guys, So I Had A Boner The Other Night, And (1325 hits)
Category: NewsRating: 1.14 on 34 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by AsshOly (View user info) at 2007-04-23 17:32:24 EDT
I can remember two times in my life that I have previously sleepwalked. Sleptwalked. Sleepwalked? Once was when I was very young and I dreamed that I was waiting for forever for a talking dolphin to take a piss in my bathroom, and I pissed myself in the corner of my bedroom. The second time, I was maybe 10 or 11, and I dreamed that I was in a bathroom without a toilet, and I pissed in the kitchen sink.
On Thursday night, I sleepwalked for the third time in my life.
I had had a rough first half of the week with a hellatious amount of schoolwork, so when I finished up with that on Thursday I decided to unwind by going out all night at a friend's place to play bags and beer pong. After holding the pong table for almost three hours, my buddy and I were absolutely bombed. I hadn't planned on getting all that drunk, but whatever. Beer pong etiquette says that you dont just quit.
I left around midnight and went to bed at another friend's apartment. I had a GREAT night of sleep. I woke up well rested and rejuvenated. Then I got punched in the mouth by my friend for what I did over the night.
According to her, I was curled up in the fetal position, twitching and mumbling in my sleep.
She shook me. "Hey, wake up, I think you're having a bad dream."
I shot out of bed and fell head first into the door. I got up, stumbled around, and dove back into bed. I got up again, slammed into her closet door, and finally found the doorknob to get out of her room.
She then heard me fumbling with the lock and doorknob to the front door of her apartment, and she walked into the living room to see what I was doing.
Now, if you've met me, you know that I'm normally a very calm and quiet person, and it takes a lot for me to get angry and agitated. In my dreams, however, I'm always angry and fighting with somebody.
So my friend walks out and sees me yanking on her front door. "Andrew, what are you doing?"
I turn. "Tracy, OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR."
She is stunned. "Okay."
She turns the knob and opens the door for me. I run straight across the hall and begin yanking on the apartment door across from hers. "Andrew, I think you're sleepwalking...come back inside."
"SHUT THE FUCK UP"
"you're sleeping, come inside"
"TRACY SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU DONT KNOW WHAT YOURE DOING"
"please, go back to bed..."
"WHAT THE FUCK SHUT THE FUCK UP GODDAMMIT"
This whole time, I'm just yanking and banging on their door and yelling. She knows I'm sleepwalking and knows not to wake me up. She also says she's never been more scared of somebody than she was of me at that moment.
"Um, Andrew, why do you want to go in there?"
I stop banging and turn around. "Tracy, I NEED TO FUCKING PISS."
"Well, uh, Andrew, the bathroom is in here."
I ran past her and found the bathroom and took, I hear, about a five-minute leak.
The best part about all of this -- what even makes the story worth telling -- is that during this whole episode I had a massive, raging boner poking out of my shorts.
And that's the end of that tale.
User Reviews
Submitted by Shaun_Rocks (user info) at 2007-06-07 03:33:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Are you sure you were sleep walking? Because this:
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Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2007-04-24 00:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"Some raging dude rattling doors and screaming obscenities with an unconcealed display of arousal"
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Is a pretty accurate description of you on most any day.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-05-01 23:46:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
im not saying you should care... why should you?
but you shouldnt say he deserved to die.
no hard feelings old bean.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-05-01 00:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2006-01-08 21:34:23 (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by DarthFaded (user info) at 2006-01-07 04:52:28 (#)
Ranking: 2
You know what... for shame to most of you..
You would think for once this place would be devoid of some immaturity...
ITM was a long time Ubersite member. regardles of whether or not you are new or old, he was one of us.
Maybe you didn't know him. Maybe you didn't agree with his ideals or his lifestyle, but he was amidst your fucking around between class, or sluffing off work, just doing his thing.. the least you could do is show some fucking respect. At the very least for the people that knew him on the site...
I have been party to many 2 sided conversations filled with all the sterotypical personas.. and honestly you would think the death of one of our own would be sobering enough to at the very least, if you are incapable of compassion, to stay off the post..
I am appalled.
FOR SHAME Ubersite.. FOR SHAME
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He was one of us? I dont consider myself one of you. I dont want to be in your fucking club. I didnt know this guy, and I dont feel bad that he's dead.
Some kid from my high school a couple weeks ago went to a party and got shitfaced. He and a friend decided to go street racing and nobody in the room thought it was a bad fucking idea. They passed a side street where a cop was waiting. He started chasing them, and one of the two cars stopped, and his friend kept right on going. The cop estimates that the car was moving 120 mph when it blew through the red light and smashed into the side of a pickup truck. Both drivers were killed on impact.
Now, should I feel bad that this kid is dead? Any of my younger friends who knew him seem to think so. Well, I fucking dont. Some people deserve not to be alive. From what I've read, ITM seemed to be that kind of guy.
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i've only just noticed this now you fucking prick.
what the fuck did ITM do/write that implied he didn't deserve to be alive?
huh?
not vote republican.
you disgust me you pathetic piece of shit.
Submitted by phuzzygish (user info) at 2007-04-24 09:51:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
She coulda played bop-bag with your willy, and you would neeeeever know....
How exciting.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-24 09:39:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sleepwalking tends to be manifest more during times of stress. Finals on your mind, methinks?
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-24 03:03:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love it. Except I find it hard to believe that you didn't piss on anything while you had a fat. the only reason I wash my toilet half the time is from the hubby pissing with a boner.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-24 02:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
read the filename, fucknuts. my boner is at least three feet longer but i lost my camera before spazzing out and i couldnt take a picture of it. plus this dude is fat, and i am fucking gorgeous.
Submitted by Progr3ss (user info) at 2007-04-24 01:47:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
+1 for the story
-1 for the picture of your pseudo boner
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-24 01:43:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I actually do care. Every time I try to tell this story to people who keep asking me about it, I get stuck at sleepwalked.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-04-24 01:38:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sleepwalked is right, on the off-chance that you gave a shit.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-24 01:09:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2007-04-24 00:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Photograph of tool without lady parts in primary focus = auto -2
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That's a pretty sound policy. Cant be mad about that.
Submitted by ooQueso (user info) at 2007-04-24 00:39:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Dude, scary stuff right there. Some raging dude rattling doors and screaming obscenities with an unconcealed display of arousal while you stand there, some defenseless chick. That would suck. Being a guy of course, you could just kick his ass, but to be a chick? That would just suck. All in all story is alright.
Photograph of tool without lady parts in primary focus = auto -2
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-23 23:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehe
Submitted by Falafel (user info) at 2007-04-23 23:52:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hilarious.. just so you know, it's not at all dangerous to wake up a sleepwalker.. they'll just be a little disoriented. It's not like a hypnotized person that doesn't snap out of it.
(Source: Dr. Harrington, PhD. MSVU)
Submitted by eric_the_bread (user info) at 2007-04-23 23:41:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-04-23 23:38:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-23 21:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-23 18:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is an amusing anecdote and I read part of the title as "ass boner."
Submitted by Lmarie22000 (user info) at 2007-04-23 22:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by UTOCKIN2ME (user info) at 2007-04-23 22:28:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
You better go to the doctor, your pecker has knuckles on it!!!
Submitted by whiskey_jack (user info) at 2007-04-23 22:13:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Running about screaming and swearing with a erection followed by odd urination? Shiznat thats called Tuesday to me.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-23 21:30:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-23 18:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is an amusing anecdote.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-23 21:19:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Been there, done that, pissed in the closet.....once.....a long time ago.
Submitted by strwbryfanatic (user info) at 2007-04-23 20:33:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
For quite a while, one of my best friends had a problem with sleep walking.
At first it was humorous stuff like that. Then, she keyed her own car. Then, she was found on the other side of town by one of her friends.
Scary stuff.
I don't know why, but she just stopped doing it.
Submitted by guitarjunky421 (user info) at 2007-04-23 20:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
no comment
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-23 19:45:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Tim, I agree that the story may have been better if I had peed on something, but I'm really just glad I found the bathroom. I feel that some day, I will urinate in an inappropriate place once more, and you have my assurance that I will post about it here.
As for the picture, if I hadn't lost my digital camera the same night as this story took place, I would have posted a picture of my own erection, so consider yourself lucky.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-23 18:59:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is an amusing anecdote.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-04-23 18:52:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
would have been a +2 had you peed on something, and didn't show that gay picture
Submitted by Antioxident (user info) at 2007-04-23 18:06:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-04-23 17:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hellacious
pissing with a boner is hard work. you did it while sleeping. you pass the test
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-23 17:59:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by wrinklebeast (user info) at 2007-04-23 17:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I bet your "raging boner" failed to impress.
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Hey, infer what you will, but I'm just using descriptors as they were presented to me by witnesses.
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-04-23 17:48:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-04-23 17:43:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Cystmaster?
Submitted by wrinklebeast (user info) at 2007-04-23 17:43:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I bet your "raging boner" failed to impress.
You're hung like a baby girl.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-23 17:42:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Here is a video that I watched and enjoyed while writing this post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D0rMkt3uB9c
Also, I have resolved to urinate before going to bed every night for the rest of my life so this sort of thing doesn't happen anymore.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-04-23 17:38:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When we were kids my brother would sleepwalk into the kitchen and attempt to make a sandwich or pour himself a drink and end up making a huge mess.
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-04-23 17:35:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hellacious
pissing with a boner is hard work. you did it while sleeping. you pass the test.