Homo Sapien. (588 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.16 on 24 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Rachel Happy pants (View user info) at 2007-04-24 02:54:41 EDT
Leon Yatcha sat on his couch and silently fingered the gash on his arm. He growled softly, deep in his throat and thought of the gash that he should have been fingering. He looked towards the glass at the beings that were staring at him, curious, their young with their eager faces pressed up to the glass. Their breath leaving foggy smudges where their noses once pressed. Leon looked toward his mate, mate pah! He thought. The woman had done nothing but spurn his advances since she had first been released into his habitat. Didn't she know, that they were the last? That they had the responsibility to regenerate their species? That this zoo was the last habitat they had?
Pavel, no last name, looked toward the brute who had tried to maul her only minutes before. He had come over to her, talking some ancient language that she could not understand. It had seemed similar to that language she spoke and some words that came out of his mouth she could almost understand. She heared something that sounded like come, pretty and girl. But most everything else was indecipherable. The brute was touching the wound that she had caused him when he tried to rape her. Rape her, Pavel. She was a member of the last surviving clan of her species. She was the keeper of knowledge, she was a leader of her tribe and that dumb creature over there actually thought he could have mating rights with her!
Leon finished licking his wound and prepared to try and mount his mate again. She was his mate. She belonged to him and he would fill her with child. The keepers had played ancient movies showing him how to enter the female. The films had left him excited and confused. He had spent days masturbating and fantasising about one like him, only softer and sweeter. So when they had released the female into his cage he felt the same feelings as the ones he experienced when he watched the films. She was soft , pleasing and she had something the movies never had, she had a smell. It was musky and a little pungent. Yet it excited him all the same.
Pavel retreated further into the corner of the enclosure as the brute arose and came toward her once more. He wasn't like the men of her tribe, he was as small as her, probably from a life of captivity. Also he was clean and well fed. His hair was short and neat and his teeth were all there. He exuded an aura of being well cared for. When he was only a hands span from her he knelt before her and crooning softly began to softly touch her face. The ones watching from the glass giggled. At this intrusion, Pavel drew back and spat toward the glass. She hated the slightly grey beings that tormented her people. Trying to study them and catch their young. She would have self destructed rather than be caught, but circumstance had made it impossible.
Leon knew that simple brute strength wasn't going to convince this one that she was future mother of his children. So as he went over to her he had the idea that if he was gentle, he might be able to make her do as he wished. He reached out toward her face and made soothing noises to this wild creature from the desert. The crowd outside giggles, making the female draw away from him. This made Leon angry and without thinking, his masculine needs took over. He flipped the female over onto her stomach and forced himself into her, that was enough to make him ejaculate.
The keepers hurried into the enclosure. They then tranquilized the female and male using a simple sleep laser.
"I told you these brutes couldn't be domesticated" one keeper said to the other.
They dragged the unconscious male off the female. The carefully picked up the female, keeping her legs upright, careful not to leak the precious seminal fluid from her vagina.
" see, this is why cloning should be legal" said the other keeper. "then there would be no chance of this species becoming extinct."
"well, that's what happens when you make your whole planet barely habitable." replied the first keeper.
They carried the female back into her cage accidentally bouncing her flopping head on a sign along the way.
The sign read,
HOMO SAPIEN.
HOME PLANET: EARTH.
STATUS OF SPECIES: ENDANGERED, ONLY SMALL NUMBERS OF ANIMAL FOUND NOW IN THE WILD.
YOURKEIN NATIONAL ZOO.
The animal in the enclosure before you is called Leon. He is a fully grown adult male of the species human. He was captured when he was a youngling, by Earth explorers. He has lived for the past twenty national years in the Yourkein Zoo. Keepers of the animal hope to begin a breeding program once a suitable female specimen can be obtained, however it is hard to capture a wild human as the specimens remaining have become feral and hard to catch. If you would like to help the save the human program please donate money in the tin provided.
User Reviews
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-25 06:33:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the Twilight Zone episode in question: http://www.ubersite.com/m/92248
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-24 17:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Yeah, Drake.
Twilight Zone, Star Trek, The Outer Limits. Practically every sci-fi anthology did this.
Kurt Vonnegut even put it in Slaughterhouse Five.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-24 17:11:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-24 16:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-24 00:23:32 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This had a lot wrong with it, aside from being a close re-telling of an old Twilight Zone episode.
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wrong, it is not a close re-telling of a Twilight Zone.
You fail at life.
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It was that episode of star trek where christopher pike was imprisoned with that chick and they had to make nasty or be "punished"
bow chicka-bow bow
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-24 17:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't be such a nit-wit, Jonny.
This story is practically the climax of the episode to which I refer. If you're so interested, look it up. I was making a point about the concept of humans kept as animals, which has been done many times.
While I won't repeat my comments, at least I offered a thoughtful analysis and constructive criticism, which is more than you did.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-24 16:22:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-24 00:23:32 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This had a lot wrong with it, aside from being a close re-telling of an old Twilight Zone episode.
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wrong, it is not a close re-telling of a Twilight Zone.
You fail at life.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-24 12:25:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Given that you've never heard of the concept before, I guess I would've gone for the surprise.
Like if you made it from the animal's point of view so that the reader really believes he's an animal. You get rid of the name in the beginning, and try and write it from a sensory point of view. If you start as if Leon is an ape, for example, and try to write what the ape sees.
Then when you reveal he's human, it's surprising.
Or write from the point of view of the beings outside the cage as if they're human and they are watching an ape in a zoo.
Then you reveal the sign and discover it's a human on display and aliens (or whatever) are keeping him caged.
It's just that when you start off with a first and last name and them describe animal-like behavior, you give it all away from the start.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-24 12:01:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
1.5
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-24 12:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Decent
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-24 11:42:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I liked it.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-24 09:55:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
peh they live in WA, you flamin drongos. Happy ANZAC day btw. Have a beer and a bickie.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-24 09:47:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
yes we do, don't we?
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-04-24 09:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Australians, meh, the best Aussies live In England.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-24 09:44:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ahhh you love us. We are like that hemmaroid that came out while you were fucking. really painful, but fun to aqquire.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-04-24 09:37:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
crazy Australians
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-04-24 08:35:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Only thing im not to keen on is how with the majority of paragraphs you started with someones name, just makes it a bit more predictable.
Submitted by orph (user info) at 2007-04-24 08:03:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought this was alright. It is an old theme, but this was good.
Submitted by Hagard (user info) at 2007-04-24 06:39:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Gash he should have been fingering, hehehe.
Submitted by Spam (user info) at 2007-04-24 04:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
He growled softly, deep in his throat and thought of the gash that he should have been fingering.
I stopped reading at this point.
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-24 03:54:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ok thats fair enough. It's just for me the theme wasn't old hash, so I had no way of knowing how to veer away from the cliche, when I didn't know the cliche existed. Why don't you tell me what you would have done?? hey? just a suggestion.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-24 03:43:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The concept has been done an awful lot, Twilight Zone is just one of many examples.
My point was that if you are writing such a short piece of fiction with such a familiar concept, you should try and freshen it up a bit, otherwise it seems derivative.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-24 03:38:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BATTLEFIELD: EARTH!
Submitted by TuTs (user info) at 2007-04-24 03:27:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
ummm I'm 22, I've never watched the twilight zone, probrably never will. So I wasn't actually aware I was ripping anybody off. Sorry for infringing on some-ones copyrights.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-24 03:23:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
This had a lot wrong with it, aside from being a close re-telling of an old Twilight Zone episode.
The whole point is to surprise the reader at the end.
Since it is such a well known story, you need to do a lot more to either disguise the ending or put a new twist on the basic premise of a zoo with humans. Otherwise it just reads like a rip off, regardless of your knowledge of prior versions.
You could play around with the point of view, or do it as a character study, but this really doesn't work as written.
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-04-24 03:04:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
rawr