Hillbilly's Quarter (775 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.81 on 28 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (they made me this way) Girl (View user info) at 2007-04-26 03:07:49 EDT
Many might doubt that a quarter could buy a man's happiness, and indeed, they would be correct, except in Hillbilly's case.
My guy, Chris, had called me at work wanting me to meet him and the rest of our mutual friends at a bar where a cover band was playing. After a quick change at home to rid myself of the stink of the hospital, I arrived at the bar.
I didn't need to look very hard to find everyone because Hillbilly's voice cut through the din of the rest of the bar patrons. I sat down next to Chris just as Hillbilly was explaining how annoying it was to have injured his right shoulder since it made masturbating problematic.
"Well hey, darlin'!" Hillbilly greeted me as Chris gave me a quick kiss.
The band had been on a break but was taking their places back on stage for the last set of the evening. Chris had ordered me a Cuervo Black and Coke and I had just taken my first sip when the band started up with a cover of Jenny 867-5309.
That's when I noticed the two drunken undergraduate girls and their male companion.
The two girls, doing what drunken girls sometimes do for attention, were bumping and grinding against one another on the dance floor and grabbing each others' asses while their male companion danced around them. One girl wore skin tight Capri jeans, cami, and high heeled sandals. The other girl wore mid-calf, platform boots, bodice-y cami, and a very short denim miniskirt.
And apparently, no panties.
We didn't know this at first. It was only when her female dance partner thought it would be cute to pull her skirt up a bit while rubbing her ass. The skirt's owner thought it was hilarious and wiggled her behind and laughed. Granted, we didn't see the full pink, but we saw enough to see that the girl was going the female version of commando.
We all smirked at each other, somewhat jaded towards the sight. If you go to enough drinking establishments, especially when a dance floor is present, you'll see this display frequently.
Chris nudged me, got the rest of the group's attention, and motioned towards Hillbilly.
Hillbilly was frozen in awe, clutching his beer bottle, jaw slack. His eyes were peeled on the pantyless girl who was dancing with abandon.
"Hillbilly!" one guy in our group called out. Hillbilly didn't respond. He didn't even move. Or blink.
The two girls pranced off to the bathroom. It was only then that Hillbilly turned around at the table. Still clutching his beer, he pointed towards the ladies' bathroom where the two girls had disappeared, and with eyes wide asked, "Did you all see that?!"
Hillbilly kept his eyes fixed on the ladies' bathroom door, waiting for their reemergence. After the appropriate lengthy time, the two girls appeared and once again hit the dance floor. Hillbilly's beer was warm at this point from the heat of his hands still vice gripped on his beer.
We were receiving more entertainment from watching him than we were from either the band, or watching the two girls playing at faux lesbianism. Finally, I began to feel sorry for the poor bastard. One millisecond flash of labia and the man had lost his higher cognitive abilities. I got in my purse, took out a quarter, and moved my chair next to Hillbilly. I leaned in a bit so he could hear me over the band.
"Hillbilly? Hillbilly! Listen, I think I can solve your problem. Take this quarter, wait until she's dancing with her back to you, and toss this quarter so that it lands directly in front of her."
From Hillbilly's position, the girls were dancing approximately 10 feet away from him.
"Why?" Hillbilly asked, his eyes still focused on the miniskirt girl's ass.
"Because she'll bend over to pick it up."
"Naw."
"Yes, I'm fairly certain she will. It's almost a reflexive action. Most of us pick up quarters if we notice them fall in front of us. She'll do the same. Trust me. Here you go." I handed him the quarter and scooted my chair back next to Chris who whispered in my ear that I was too ornery for anyone's good, including my own.
Hillbilly rolled the quarter over his fingers, pondering my suggestion. He glanced up at the girl and then back at the rest of us. All the guys at our table started nodding vigorously, egging him on. Hillbilly glanced at me as if to say, 'I hope to hell you're not setting me up' took aim, and flipped the quarter up in the air and towards the girls.
If quarter flipping was an Olympic sport, he would have taken home the silver at least. In a perfect arc, the quarter rotated through the air, and plunked down on the floor in front of miniskirt girl. As I suspected, the girl stopped gyrating and bent over at the waist to pick the coin up.
Hillbilly got a full-pink view and finally released his grip on his beer bottle which fell to the floor.
"OH YES LORD!! THANK YOU, DARLIN'!"
Miniskirt girl snapped upright and flipped around to see Hillbilly grinning like a retard at a puppet show. With a huff, she yelled "Asshole" at Hillbilly and stomped off to her table to grab her purse and jacket.
As both her companions scrambled after her, Hillbilly couldn't resist calling out,
"Hey! Can I get your phone number?"
Actually, now that I think about it, I believe he was serious in his request and not just taking the piss. Miniskirt girl flipped the bird at him and exited the bar with her two friends in tow. Hillbilly took a moment to himself and rubbed his chin. When he finally turned back around, he looked at me, and grinned in the same retard at a puppet show way, shook his finger at me and said,
"I knew there was a reason I like you! That's a good woman you got there, boy."
Hillbilly bought my drinks for the rest of the night which wasn't long since the bar closed down at 1:30 am.
But still, it's nice to be appreciated.
User Reviews
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-07 16:02:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-04-26 15:35:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
heh
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-04-26 14:03:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-04-26 13:11:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Girl, you are the wind beneath my wings
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-04-26 12:57:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have all been The hill dude at one point in time. Good work batman.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-04-26 12:55:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
...appreciated.
Submitted by TigerLilly (user info) at 2007-04-26 12:45:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-26 12:05:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ahahahahahha... Love you, FG!
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-04-26 11:37:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-04-26 09:40:41 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
God bless your hill billy
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:55:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, would that I could be so blase about such a sight. My sympathies lie entirely with Hillbilly, here.
...I think I'm gonna stock up on quarters now.
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:15:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:14:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like freeballin'.
Submitted by I_love_Kracka (user info) at 2007-04-26 10:00:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-04-26 09:55:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ohhhh QUARTERS.. I should stop using rocks
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-04-26 09:33:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-04-26 08:22:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"OH YES LORD!! THANK YOU, DARLIN'!"
=======
Best laugh I've had all day!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-04-26 08:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're playfully, helpfully evil. We'd get along great.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-04-26 07:57:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Brilliance.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-26 07:38:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This just gave me an idea.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-04-26 06:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahaha
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-04-26 05:37:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Pinkalicious.
Submitted by Berty (user info) at 2007-04-26 04:40:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
God bless your hill billy.
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-04-26 04:20:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
hooo - ray for hillbilly!
like i would behave differently
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-04-26 04:13:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-04-26 04:10:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2007-04-26 03:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment