Stupid Phone Calls (1069 hits)
Category: Humor -> Dumb JobsRating: 0 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Vyktoriah <kate.r.williams.at.gmail.com> (View user info) at 2007-04-30 12:25:11 EDT
So I work in a Recruitment Consultancy where my primary job is to lie to people. I am expected to ring up companies across the UK and utilising whatever means necessary, get the names and details of Engineering Managers. Sometimes this is a very straightforward procedure.
*ring ring*
Ugly Receptionist: Good morning, Company X.
Vyktoriah: Who's your Engineering Manager, please?
UR: (has no idea so has to check the company address book) Oh, it's P.I. Staker.
Vyktoriah: And what's his email address?
UR: pistaker.at.companyx.co.uk
Vyktoriah hangs up.
More often than not, though, I am forced to come up with elaborate stories to convince power-hungry gatekeepers that I am NOT a Recruitment Consultant and I only need the Engineering Manager's name for totally innocuous reasons.
Some of my most used stories are actually pretty ingenious.
*ring ring*
MAN: Good morning, Company X.
ME: Can I have the name of your Engineering Manager, please?
MAN: *pause* There's two actually. I'm unable to give out names. *longer pause* Can I help you at all?
ME: Well, I'm trying to get ahold of Engineering Managers to ask some questions about my thesis.
MAN: *very long pause* Right... well, I am always a bit skeptical about these kinds of calls.
ME: *as if I don't care* Well, it's no problem. I was just given your company's name by my college advisor. I'm doing my thesis about engine components in the aerospace industry, and I just could do with someone to email some questions.
MAN: What college?
ME: Reading College.
MAN: *brightening* Oh! In Reading...
ME: Yep.
MAN: *thinking he's got me beat* Send your email to enquiries.at.companyx.com
ME: *not bothering to write it down* GREAT! Thanks. Who should I address it to?
MAN: Either John or Peter.
ME: They're the engineering managers?
MAN: *realising his mistake* Erm... yes.
ME: Great! Thanks!
Click.
My very favourite, though, was one I used about 3 years ago that worked perfectly until it backfired spectacularly for a friend of mine.
It went something like this...
*ring ring*
WOMAN: Good afternoon, Company X.
ME: Hi there. Can I please have the name of the Engineering Manager?
WOMAN: I'm sorry, but our company policy is not to give out names.
ME: Oh. Oh damn. Look, I really need to know his name. It's... well... personal...
WOMAN: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I can not give the name out.
ME: Look, maybe you can help me... I was at a party last night, and I had a little too much to drink. And... well... I ended up bringing home and shagging some guy that I just met. I can't remember his name... only that he said he was the Engineering Manager for Company X. The jerk left before I even woke up. And he left his watch at my house, to boot! I just want to put the whole mess behind me.
WOMAN: Oh my god. Jesus. Our engineering manager's name is Henry Fitz, and I'm sorry to tell you, but... HE'S MARRIED!
ME: No way! I can't believe it. Oh well. I guess I'll just keep the watch then. Bye!
Unfortunately, my friend CiCi happened to ACTUALLY be having an affair with Henry Fitz, and when he heard that some girl had called in the office, he broke off their affair and she's been inconsolable ever since.
Still, in the end, I got his name... and I just made £30,000 for my company by placing business with this guy.
Go me!
User Reviews
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-05-08 23:19:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You can't just HAVE SEX. You have to have FOREPLAY. FOREPLAY has to come beFORE SEX.
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-05-08 21:47:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you seem fun!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2007-05-08 19:14:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I decide for myself.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:26:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-01 23:07:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.yourenotme.com
can find out how many kate williamses there are in the uk.
-----------------
Except Kate isn't my name any more than Vyktoriah is. And Williams is the second most popular surname in England. Not to mention that it's my husband's last name, and I use a double-barrelled surname like oh-so-many chav scum before me.
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-01 23:04:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If my life were so pathetically boring as to make me believe that what you have outlined here was entertaining, memorable, or even in the least bit interesting, I would gladly apply a Milwaukee 14-amp "Hole Gun" electric drill equipped with a 2-inch Forstner bit to the top of my skull. Would that it ne'er be so. Please allow me to thank you in advance for never posting this type of complete shite ever again.
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Ouch! Goddamn, man. I am definitely noting the complete lack of faith in my abilities as a writer. I'll see if I can't pull something better out of my ass.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:57:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:36:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-30 10:56:04 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lol
those qs's are hard to find eh kate?
you've been a bit dumb with your details etc on uber.
good job i'm not jonnyx.
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Why do you say that - YOU are more of a stalker than I am, old egg.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:54:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"You are unique. You are one with the angry Squirrel. Shout 'I am the unique. I am unified with the badger overlord.' People will run away. That's because they're jealous. JEALOUS.. "
HAHAHAHAHA checked out that website and
NOBODY SHARES MY NAME! NO-BODY!
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:52:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not that bad... but as apollo mentioned---take away your email address from display and try to be more anonymous
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:33:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
If my life were so pathetically boring as to make me believe that what you have outlined here was entertaining, memorable, or even in the least bit interesting, I would gladly apply a Milwaukee 14-amp "Hole Gun" electric drill equipped with a 2-inch Forstner bit to the top of my skull. Would that it ne'er be so. Please allow me to thank you in advance for never posting this type of complete shite ever again.
Submitted by Mike-Mc (user info) at 2007-05-01 09:22:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-01 00:09:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-04-30 23:12:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Thanks, Drake. I promise not to use your computer anymore. Sorrys!
-2 me please.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 23:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
BTW not my alter.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 23:06:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not that bad... but as apollo mentioned---take away your email address from display and try to be more anonymous. (i.e. hopefully Henry Fritz is a made up name)
==============
Cheers. I updated my profile. What a dick I'm turning out to be.
And yes, Henry Fritz is totally made up. Though I'd probably still do business with him.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-04-30 17:22:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Wow! you work for a company that has phones! oh the excitement!, and don't tell me, don't tell me - you speak to people ON THE PHONE! wow, so cool!
when will people learn? unless you're a professional stuntman or the person who holds mariah careys umbrella... no one wants to hear you stupid work stories.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-30 16:28:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
hahah there's more 'jesus christ's' in the UK than my name.
its bollocks though there has to be more than 11000 John Smith's in the 60m pop.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-30 16:26:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-30 15:35:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit, there are only TWO people in the UK with my name and Im one of them!
WOW SAME HERE.
HOW WEIRD IS THAT???
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-04-30 16:07:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
could be better, but not the worst evar
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-30 15:35:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Holy shit, there are only TWO people in the UK with my name and Im one of them!
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
http://www.yourenotme.com
can find out how many kate williamses there are in the uk.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:31:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Agreed. Just go to "my account" and update your profile. Your e-mail is very traceable, and you wouldn't want anyone getting info they don't need.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:27:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not that bad... but as apollo mentioned---take away your email address from display and try to be more anonymous. (i.e. hopefully Henry Fritz is a made up name)
Submitted by redskieslookfake (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:15:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
meh
Submitted by inion_de_trua (user info) at 2007-04-30 14:09:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Solid zero
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:56:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lol
those qs's are hard to find eh kate?
you've been a bit dumb with your details etc on uber.
good job i'm not jonnyx.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:47:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Well, now I can see why you "quit writing"...because this fucking stank.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:45:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Bah!
Listen not to the philistines!
Keep it up, Uber needs more people who post stuff with actual content.
+1 'cause I think you can do better...
Still, you're vewy, vewy sneaky.
Submitted by BobLobla (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:26:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
see below
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:25:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This reminds me of the time I accidentally rested my hand on an electric fence. It was my first time at a horse farm and the corral had a plastic wire strung from post to post on the wooden fence. I had no reason to know that it was, in fact, electrified as I had always expected electric fences to be giant Orwellian harbingers of death. When I think electric fences, I think military bases and phrases like "devastating outbreak" and "martial law". So you can imagine my surprise when I rested my hand on this plastic line strung up over a wooden fence. It wasn't a blast of electricity or anything. It was just a low, uncomfortable pulse that made the muscles in my fingers tighten slightly with each wave.
"What the fuck is that?" I asked the girl I was there with.
"It's an electric fence, you ass." She said. "It sits at chest-height on a horse. It gives them a little zap and then they never go near the fence again."
"Oh. Interesting."
Oh wait...this is nothing like that at all. Why do you exist? Be gone.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-04-30 13:20:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Meh.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:49:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Piss-taker....C'MON!
============
Yah, subtlety is lost on some people.
=====
awee fuck em. it's dry british humor...er...humour. Watch an episode of black adder and then read this. BAM!
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:44:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Piss-taker....C'MON!
============
Yah, subtlety is lost on some people.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:31:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Piss-taker....C'MON!
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:31:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
solid 0.5
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-04-30 12:29:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Solid zero