SUPA R4 - "Bloodlust" (861 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.58 on 23 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-05-01 09:10:19 EDT
A tainted shade that soothes my soul,
Makes me complete, and makes me whole,
It makes me young, it makes me smile,
And makes you suffer, all the while.
I see your skin, all sweet and white,
I wish I may, I wish I might,
Just taste the flesh that sits inside,
Your trembling, naked, hallowed hide.
What I would give, what I would break,
To hold you tight and then forsake,
Your sacred, ashen, pallid skin,
And feel the pain that lies within.
I draw you close, and feel I must,
Take distance from my burning lust,
To comfort you, and hold you tight,
To make you safe and bay your fright.
A sweet embrace, a loving hold,
No sense of what is to unfold,
I sense the heart that beats within,
A fragile body, wrapped in sin.
You've lost your way, my baby dear,
Your choices, they have led you here,
Into my dark, satanic lair,
Into my arms, my answered prayer.
There's nowhere left for you to run,
No moon, no stars, no shining sun,
That you will ever see again,
You're here for me to entertain.
I feel the blood that runs its course,
Beneath your cover of remorse,
Your skin is soft, and rotten through,
The heart that beats inside of you.
I sweep your shoulder clean of hair,
Caress the sense your despair,
I place my mouth upon your flesh,
And taste the scent of my refresh.
You clench me tight, as I bite in,
And sink my teeth into your skin,
You buck, you ride, you writhe with pain,
But soon you will be whole again.
From you I drink, my soul you sate,
My life source you rejuvenate,
Your warming blood upon my tongue;
A scarlet drip that keeps me young.
Your tainted shade, it soothes my soul,
Makes me complete, and makes me whole,
It makes me young, it makes me smile,
And makes you suffer, all the while.
User Reviews
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-02 23:10:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-02 23:09:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Again, this is something that sounds a bit like something I'd do. And I'm just vain enough to find that appealing.
Seriously though this is pretty messed up, and it flows like thick, fresh blood. You've improved your meter with each submission and you've never had trouble telling a story.
Some of your word choice is a bit iffy though. "Bay your fright," "cover of remorse," and "scent of my refresh" offer a sense of what they mean but also make you wonder how such things could be better stated. A little awkward is all. Don't knock the reader out of the flow, y'know?
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-02 12:11:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Mr_Burns (user info) at 2007-05-02 16:24:20 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, although I do believe you missed a word out in the ninth stanza, which kind of detracted from the rhythm.
-------------
A few things:
a) I already knew that. Scroll down, I admitted it and cussed myself for doing so
and
b) Whilst I appreciate the positive rating, I find it difficult to accept the critique of someone who has yet to post something that has managed to get to the bottom of the front page without being kicked off :)
Submitted by Mr_Burns (user info) at 2007-05-02 11:24:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Excellent, although I do believe you missed a word out in the ninth stanza, which kind of detracted from the rhythm.
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2007-05-01 23:26:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-01 21:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Very creepy. You have some good lines in there.
Submitted by UTOCKIN2ME (user info) at 2007-05-01 21:56:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Great poetry!
You plagerizing m'n'f'r
I think your two dads plagerized yer birth certificate!
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-01 21:46:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Very creepy. You have some good lines in there.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:53:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:53:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Anansie (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:37:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:37:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
ahahahahaha
You dog, taking advantage of collective youth and inexperience.
Playing to the base wins elections, but leads to corruption in the end.
Well done, you crafty motherfucker, you.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-01 11:15:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)
nice job
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:55:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fag below.
Submitted by snag (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:50:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
STFU beano
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:48:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bravo.
Submitted by DrogoRoch (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:47:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality stuff chap.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:46:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done, Joey.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:46:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-01 09:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I sweep your shoulder clean of hair,
Caress the sense your despair,
I place my mouth upon your flesh,
And taste the scent of my refresh"
-----------------
Caress the sense 'OF' your despair, goddamit.............
==============================
D'oh! English! Who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on,
let's smoke.
-- Homer Simpson, talking Barney into cutting class
The Way We Was
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:11:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-01 09:54:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Y'know, I rarely rate poetry on this site, but this wasn't bad.
Not bad at all...
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-01 09:39:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-01 09:35:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Neighbour
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-01 09:12:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"I sweep your shoulder clean of hair,
Caress the sense your despair,
I place my mouth upon your flesh,
And taste the scent of my refresh"
-----------------
Caress the sense 'OF' your despair, goddamit.............