Why I Am So Awesome, And You're Not (1463 hits)
Category: Business & FinancialRating: 1.41 on 68 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Queen BOSHlee (View user info) at 2007-05-01 13:46:16 EDT
Okay, so yeah I was living out of a trailer in Florida, feeling sorry for myself, because my skank ex-boyfriend hooked up with my skank ex-girlfriend and I was fat and depressed. I was considering ending it all, when a package came in the mail. It was from Boshton, and had no return address. All that was inside was a bottle of fluid and a note attached reading 'Drink me, faggot'.
So I did. Next thing I know, I feel...power coursing through my veins! What was happening?? All of a sudden, I became BOSH!
I immediately lit up five cigarettes. Then used them to burn down that crappy trailer for the insurance money. They gave me $1000000 and a new professional boyfriend.
I decided to move to New York, because that's where the highest concentration of jerks are in the USA, and I had big plans.
First, I had to put that professional boyfriend to work. Only the best fine dining restaurant outside the city would be appropriate..that's right, Nathan's Hot Dogs. My professional boyfriend is so fuckin BOSH that on his third day they took him off the register and put him on the fry machine. He is now making 72k a year (k= Estonian kroon, approx. $64.87 American). While I was there the other day, after a hard day's working picking out an engagement ring made out of onions, I was hungry.
I saw that little Japanese fucker, Kobayashi, the hot dog champion, and immediately challenged him to a BOSH eating contest. He proceeded to eat 200000 hot dogs. I ate - 200000 and one, that's right bitches...I coulda went more, but fuck that. I then made him commit seppuku by sticking dynamite up his ass and asploding it - the seagulls thanked me for that one, you can be sure.
I decided to hang out with my professional friends then. Earl Scruggs tried to say he was professional, but his last album didn't even break the Top 100, so I jabbed him in the eye with an icepick and threw him into the East River. I gathered the rest of my professional friends; Pat Benatar, that guy from Right Said Fred, 'Baby' from Dirty Dancing, and Tyra Banks. We took my limo over the Wall Street, where we met another of my most excellent BOSH friends, Warren Buffett from Berkshire Hathaway.
We moved onto the trading floor, and proceeding to corner the market on buying and selling asses. I punched 17000 traders in the face with a garden rake, and Pat sang 'Love is a Battlefield' while we all smoked 46 cigarettes, and nodded in agreement. So fucken BOSH.
I got bored then, so I called Manny Ramirez and made him drive us to my house. He tried to leave afterwards, which pissed me off. Since I am a glass artist, I dipped him in molten glass and made him into a professional glass sculpture, which I entitled 'FUCK U NOO YORK'. I then sold it to Dale Chihuly for 2000000 Canadian dollars.
So actually, buddy boy, I've moved on up - I've got a photo shoot with American Deutschbag magazine, so if you want to see how much more BOSH I am, you'll just have to pay for it...
<puts on Molly Hatchet CD, peels out>
User Reviews
Submitted by DaBeast (user info) at 2009-10-05 17:10:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Mom?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2009-10-05 15:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-02 17:43:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-05-02 14:11:09 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
10 out of 10 for originality there, cockface.
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a day without Sfaggy is a day with sunshine
Submitted by Sphagnum (user info) at 2007-05-02 17:11:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
10 out of 10 for originality there, cockface.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-02 12:40:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2007-05-02 00:15:51 PDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was hoping for a moment this might be a post by Queen Ashlee so I could mock her like I used to out of nostalgia, alas I guess its not to be, amusing post all the same.
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you have to go to Caulaincourt's post for that
Submitted by Franger (user info) at 2007-05-02 03:15:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was hoping for a moment this might be a post by Queen Ashlee so I could mock her like I used to out of nostalgia, alas I guess its not to be, amusing post all the same.
Submitted by MANICMOTHER (user info) at 2007-05-02 00:14:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Zampano (user info) at 2007-05-01 18:46:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Dude...
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-01 18:36:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:30:56 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha yea
i am a walking dedication to the dude
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Do you like White Russians as well?
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 18:30:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
haha yea
i am a walking dedication to the dude
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-01 18:16:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Limey below
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:51:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:22:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:58:24 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damnit mr toe. ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mr toe, i've always wondered if your handle was inspired by the big lebowski
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so many good lines/moves in that movie. so many.
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:12:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"You want a toe? I can get you a toe believe me. There are ways Dude, you dont wanna know about it, believe me"
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:08:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you want a toe?
I can get you a toe by 3 o clock
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:01:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can jumpstart an 18 wheeler with my bare penis
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-01 17:00:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damnit mr toe. ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mr toe, i've always wondered if your handle was inspired by the big lebowski
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Of course it is.
(it's ms. toe)
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damnit mr toe. ANSWER ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:48:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:47:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
mr toe, i've always wondered if your handle was inspired by the big lebowski
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:57:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:40:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:00:08 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i would man, but you can't put a price tag on knockin up 13 babes in 7 different counties.
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thats a LOTTA BOSH!!!!!!
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:33:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed a hearty laugh.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:16:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
it's all Caulaincourt's fault
Ha!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:08:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
scathing
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-01 12:37:30 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop making me think you're someone other than you're not.
Here I got all excited when I saw the word Bosh.
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it's all Caulaincourt's fault
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:00:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
forensibosh man yea i hope you gave him a high 5 after that
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 16:00:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i would man, but you can't put a price tag on knockin up 13 babes in 7 different counties.
buy me a beer and we'll call it even.
there, i know i could put a price on it.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:59:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHAHHA BOSH TO THE MAXX!
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:54:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes I clapped excitedly. Then I went to light up a cigarette but my boss came along and declared
"Are you crazy?! You can't smoke in here! There's oxygen tanks n' stuff."
I called him a "puta" (he's hispanic, you know) and told him to go out and play hopscotch with Scruggs. He said "shut up, gringa, Scruggs is a faggot."
He has a point.
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good lookin out. I can't swing a cat nowadays without hittin some scallywag that wants to suck my dick off. Go ahead and invoice me
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
as a direct result of me punching earl scruggs in the neck, drew the fornicator is no longer impotent, so i think some credit is due.
Submitted by Merlina (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:50:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Boshtastic!
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
13 women were impregnated at as direct result
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:45:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
thats pretty bosh
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This post made me masturbate in 7 counties.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:42:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BOSH post Tuesday!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:42:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
but were you clapping excitedly?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:37:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Stop making me think you're someone other than you're not.
Here I got all excited when I saw the word Bosh.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:30:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ahahahahaha.
Surprised this hasn't been done before. Next thing you know, there'll be a feety-bosh writing about his BOSH experiences in the womb.
Submitted by BubbaEarl (user info) at 2007-05-01 15:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hit
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:44:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
had to be done
perfect execution
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:43:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:28:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
PLAIGARISM!!!
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:28:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of your better efforts, shitforbrains.
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:25:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she's a 'manager'
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:21:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you almost had me convinced that I wrote this
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:21:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
drink me, faggot
Submitted by FALLEN (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:20:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nobody puts Baby in a corner.
Was Marie Osmond hot? I don't know what opinion I have on that.
Not now, all fat with those creepy dolls of hers, but back, like in the picture.
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:20:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
its hard to pull off a post with such boshness emitting from its being.
FUCKIN BOSH!!!
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:18:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin a if i didn't light up 5 cigarettes
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:18:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
YES!
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:14:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i need to create an alter for when i do things like that
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:14:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:13:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
does it still (oops) count?
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:13:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
double oops
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:13:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oops
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:12:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I decided to move to New York, because that's where the highest concentration of jerks are in the USA, and I had big plans.
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no see, we weren't jerks to begin with, we just all had big plans, and they didn't work out, and now all these stupid tourists are getting in our way, and this place is over-crowded and clautrophobic, and we're pissed off about it.
Submitted by no1hasdis (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:06:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
<*lights cigarette and nods in agreement*>
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:02:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Oh damnit. It's not actually Bosh.
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-01 14:01:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I HEARD THAT QUEEN ASHLEE WEARS BOSH KOSH B'GOSH
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:58:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-05-01 10:54:04 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ahahahaha
I wasn't going to read or rate your insipid posts any more, Jonny.
------
Thanks Jamie!
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:57:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WHATEVER..
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:54:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ahahahaha
I wasn't going to read or rate your insipid posts any more, Jonny.
Shit by any other name would smell as you.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:52:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
So, I'm not the only Jim Anchower fan in the world.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:52:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
I got as far as 'fat'
Submitted by wookie (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:51:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome. Reads kind of like a Jim Anchower piece.
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:51:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I giggled.
Marie Osmond's teeth scare me. Oh, and the fact that she's Mormon. Double creepy.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is a stupid post.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-01 13:49:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Jeezus-Tity-Fuckin'-Christ...
+2 for sheer randomness.
...
fuck...