How I Found God (654 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.97 on 22 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Drew "ajanssen" Janssen (View user info) at 2007-05-02 13:01:35 EDT
I had been invited by my cousin to the annual "get together" in Amarillo. It was held in an old field littered with mattresses, beer cans, broken down cars, and cigarette butts. The "elders" sat in lawn chairs chewing tobacco and exchanging potato salad recipes while us whippersnappers tore ass around the field on dirt bikes, and 4x4's. This was America at work. Whitetrash at it's finest and I was blood, forced to participate. Well, I actually loved it.
45 minutes on my way out of Dallas and my Jeep began to vomit and sputter. I pulled onto the shoulder to pop the hood and my face and neck were greeted with a boiling mist of coolant and water the color of iced tea. I inexplicably stopped, dropped, and rolled. Other than making myself look like an idiot, this wouldn't have been so bad except I ended up slicing my stomach with beer bottle glass and covering myself in grease and other road turds. I finally pulled myself together to inspect the damage. I had a busted radiator hose.
Now most decent folk would simply press the On-Star button or call AAA. But I believe AAA to be the mark of the beast and calling them for help is just as unmanly as asking for directions. It'll get you hung in some parts of Texas.
I choked the Jeep back to life and slowly rolled down the shoulder to the next exit. There was no gas station but there was a monster of a truck stop. The Flying J. I parked the Jeep in an extra long parking spot and popped the hood again to figure out my next move.
I was immediately approached by several "helpful" truckers.
"Looks like you got yerself a busted a hose there, Junior"
These men had fishnet hats from back before fishnet hats became all the rage for pink wearing, collar popped faggots.
"A busted hose, huh? Well thanks, Cap'n Greasemullet. Have you got an extra hose?"
"Nah, Junior. I drive the big rigs."
"No shit."
Before the conversation could take a turn for the worse, we were interrupted by crackling on his walkie-talkie. A man with the most horrible accent I've ever heard started talking.
"Red Fox, this is Brown Eagle. Come in Red Fox, what's yer 20?"
The rest of their conversation sounded like a Hebrew encyclopedia auction. Trucker code is something else and I think it was used in conjunction with the Indian "code whisperers" in World War II to trick the Japanese.
I sat down on the curb to light a cigarette and pull my brain together only to realize I had sat down in a fairly new pile of vomit. I knew it wasn't that old because it was close to 103 degrees outside and it hadn't yet completely crusted over.(I mean 103 Fahrenheit. I refuse to participate in that faggot metric system.) I could tell by the smell he had been drinking malt liquor. Mad Dog 20/20 if I had to hazard a guess.
I immediately and involuntarily heaved up some Fruit Loops. I was now covered in road grease, blood, radiator fluid, sweat, and two varieties of vomit. Now I'm a fucking redneck but I've got nothing on these truckers and I couldn't just walk around in this condition.
I grabbed a change of clothes out of the Jeep and headed inside to find a bathroom.
It was a monster of a truck stop and as soon as I walked through the front door I was greeted by an old weather-beaten trucker slurping down a chicken fried steak in the diner.
"Goddammit boy!! You musta slipped in Pink Eye's vomit!!"
Pink Eye?? This was the asshole responsible for this. Should I be so lucky that I find out who did this?
"Yeah, actually I sat in it. Do you know where I could find this Pink Eye character?" I asked, a boiling rage beginning to churn in my stomach.
"Ah hell," he said glancing at his watch "He's probably halfway to Texarkana, had a load of margarine to deliver."
"Well that's fucking swell, maybe you could point me to a bathroom so I can get Pink Eye's stomach contents off of me."
"Well there's pay showers upstairs. It'll cost you 2 bits though. Don't use the last stall on the left"
"Let me guess, Pink Eye??"
"No, the commode downstairs backed sewage plumb up into the second floor and into the stall."
"Well that figures"
I strolled over to the counter and slid a dollar to the cashier. A portly woman by the name of Lerlene.
"Can I please get some change?"
"You need change for the payphone?"
"No, I need 2 bits, whatever the hell that is."
"Whatcha need it fer?"
"SO I CAN USE YOUR SHOWER TO CLEAN PINK EYE'S VOMIT OFF OF ME!!"
"Oh, you need 2 bits."
I bit my tongue and swallowed my pride.
As I headed upstairs the group of truckers eating were laughing and pointing at me. That fucking Pink Eye. What a low point in my life that truckers were making fun of me.
Earlier in my life I had spent about a year in the Lew Sterrett Justice Center otherwise known as the Dallas County Jail. The showers there were horrible and known to spread athlete's foot but they looked like part of the Ritz-Carlton compared to these shitholes. A thin film of mold and slime coated every surface and the hot, humid air held the stench of BO and urine. I
I took a deep breath and stepped in the stall. I wanted to get this over with as quickly as possible.
About 2 minutes into my shower I heard a woman's voice over the clogged shower nozzle.
"You need some help in there??"
"Unless you are going to scrub my taint, no."
She stuck her head in my stall
"Well that depends."
I was being approached by a truck stop prostitute otherwise known as a lot-lizard. A rare, endangered breed found in truck stops across the Southwest.
I thought to myself, "How much worse could your day get. Go ahead Drew, just double-bag it."
"Well how much do you charge?" I asked her suspiciously.
"Well that also depends."
"Lemme guess, 2 bits?"
"Either you want some or you don't, slick."
"Well in that case I'll take a half dozen."
After 10 minutes of negotiating it was agreed upon. $50 for the package deal, which I think included the scrubbing of my taint.
As I had her in the stall with her legs propped up on the soap dish, I had an epiphany. It struck me all at once. For 24 years I had been trying to shake off the stigma associated with whitetrash. I had tried to lose my accent and use less slang. And yet here I was, fucking a lot lizard in a pay shower stall of a truck stop. It dawned on me that this was my birth-right not something I should be running from. I needed to embrace it. It was nothing to be ashamed of. Just a part of life. I found redemption. I found God.
After I finished up with her I dressed and headed downstairs feeling completely refreshed and like a new man. I was no longer concerned with my Jeep. I pulled up a chair next to the old trucker and ordered him a fresh glass of sweet tea.
"So what's the deal with Pink Eye?"
User Reviews
Submitted by rad1101 (user info) at 2007-05-03 03:50:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you are the best.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-05-03 03:26:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Not bad for a flacid Long-horn.
Submitted by street-pirate (user info) at 2007-05-02 22:57:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-02 14:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-02 10:45:10 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by konohasaiyajin (user info) at 2007-05-02 19:25:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
A fine wine... Mad Dog 20/20
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-02 18:16:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-02 17:22:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well done
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-05-02 16:16:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
.5
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-05-02 16:15:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-02 15:25:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-02 14:28:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-02 10:45:10 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by ajanssen (user info) at 2007-05-02 14:06:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i dont know if Id go so far as to call the experience bosh but it was definitely enlightening
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-02 14:02:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
bangin hookers in a pay-to-use shower stall?
..i agree
Submitted by Abbey (user info) at 2007-05-02 13:59:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great way of making the best of a bad day.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-02 13:45:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
B@W
Submitted by DudeThatsBOSH (user info) at 2007-05-02 13:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
fuckin a
Submitted by Director (user info) at 2007-05-02 13:36:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dude.....
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-02 13:32:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*Lights up cigarette and nods*
Submitted by ih8u2man (user info) at 2007-05-02 13:28:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well done. And who the fuck started this shit anyways..
oh wait...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-02 13:25:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
WORST bandwagon entry EVAR!!!
-2DIE!!!!
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-05-02 13:24:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-05-02 13:17:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"White Trash Beautiful" as a white rapper turned bluesman once said.
-Dave
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-02 13:12:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HaHaHaHaHaHa!
The Pink Eye will get you every time!