Gender differences in reaction to odiferous stimuli (1149 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.41 on 36 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Forensic (they made me this way) Girl (View user info) at 2007-05-04 23:57:40 EDT
After taking 3 years off from dating, it seems I now have a boyfriend. I didn't realize I did until people around us kept referring to me as "Chris' woman."
Here's a weird tangent. In Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, Slartibartfast (I believe it was) asked Arthur (regarding Marvin), "Is that your robot?" To which Marvin sarcastically interjected, "No, I'm mine."
I think I'll start saying the same thing from now on when I'm referred to as "Chris' woman."
Not to be a feminist or anything. *Wink-wink*
There is some discrepancy as to the length of time we have been dating. If you make me narrow it down, I'd have to say about a month. According to our mutual friends (a few of which were responsible for setting us up), they'll tell you that we've been an item since January, when we were set up on a blind date. Chris says it falls somewhere in between.
Heh. There is also some discrepancy as to the whole blind date thing too. I was invited to a party by some friends who, come to find out, were also friends of his. They introduced us and then disappeared, leaving Chris and I to keep each other company at the party for the rest of the evening. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't going on a blind date require at least one half of the possible couple to have prior knowledge of the date? Or is it also acceptable to ambush both halves of the potential couple?
Point of it is, is that after nearly 3 years, I have to get used to having another man around.
Not that I'm complaining, it's just that Michael (R.I.P) and Chris are like night and day from one another. For example;
Michael was as anal retentive as I am so any mess he made, he promptly cleaned it up.
Chris' gum wrappers take a long time to find their way into the trash. Little puddles of water on the kitchen counter or bathroom vanity aren't mopped up in a timely fashion. Some shaving stubble is left in the bathroom sink. Nothing serious, just little things that cause my obsessive/compulsive meter's needle to twitch.
Michael was quiet and reserved until he got to know you.
Chris is very outgoing and extroverted and will find something to talk about to anybody.
Michael, although highly amused by it, was always slightly appalled by my evil streak.
Chris revels in it.
Because he was a physician, Michael was always clean cut and professionally dressed. Even on his days off, he had that whole yuppie/preppy thing going on.
Chris is a sound engineer by trade and can look and dress the way he wants, which is long haired, goatee and Fu Manchu moustache (yes, I'm serious), and lots of black leather.
Michael preferred to drive vehicles like a Chevrolet Cavalier. Nice and conservative.
Chris drives either his 'serial killer van' or his Chopper.
And finally, Michael did his best to be non offensive with bodily functions.
Chris stink bombs my one bedroom apartment and takes pride in it.
Which brings me to the crux of my problem; is there a proper way to address odor issues? I wrote to Miss Manners, but as of yet, she has not responded to my query.
I'm serious y'all, Chris went into my bathroom the other day, stayed in there about 15 minutes, and then when he exited my bathroom, a most rancid and vile odor filled my one bedroom apartment and began to absorb into the porous surfaces. Even my cat, who poops into a liter pan, was offended enough that she hid under the bed.
"Oh dear lord, Chris! Did you save that up?! Dude, there's some Lysol under the sink!"
Chris beamed and chuckled. "Yeah, that was impressive, wasn't it?"
Impressive isn't the word I'd select.
The stink lingered for a long time. Longer than I think is allowed by the laws of chemistry and physics.
There have been other incidents of stinks-from-hell emanating from various parts of Chris' body. It is these stinks that I'm trying to figure out how to address because, wow, just wow.
Ah, the joys of dating!
User Reviews
Submitted by Malcontent (user info) at 2007-05-24 00:59:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Even though you seem to have a penchant for calling other women on here dumb cunts, I enjoyed your graphic about the cats.
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-05-09 16:53:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My boyfriends new trick is to cup a guff his fart put the smell in his mouth and kiss me. Seriously thinking being single is a good thing.
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-05-09 16:52:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This just isn't entertaining for me. I tried. I read it three times. I didn't hate it. This seems like you were just going on about nothing for a while, then ended it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-09 16:38:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
UR ALL JUST ANFRY JELOUS BITCHES WOO!
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-05-07 21:00:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yes, but you see, Forensic dear, women have this thing called perfume, which some of them seem to enjoy spritzing on themselves during the day like they're a freakin' head of brocolli at the super market, and until they smell like some sort of slaughterhouse that's been doubling as a house of ill repute and moved to France.
One USED to sit right across from me, right up until I got moved to the office.
She also, despite anything ever written on fashion or common sense or the fact that she's built like a linebacker and most likely began life as a man, insists on dressing in the shortest skirts and lowest cut tops that the JC Penny bargain bin can afford, and open toe pumps that allow one to see every detail of her corns and calluses.
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-07 16:17:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Well, at least you're not known as 'Chris' cumdumpster', so there are some advantages there.
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-07 15:57:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My boyfriend gets this hilarious look on his face whenever I burp.
Generally though, he avoids using my bathroom or farting anywhere nearby.
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2007-05-07 12:33:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tell him to put a plug in it.
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-07 12:09:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
oh, FG - Febreze air freshener may be your new best friend! TRY IT!! Seriously... it like, kills oders or something, not just covering them up. GOOD STUFF!
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-07 11:43:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-05-07 08:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
farting is funny, but around your gf, not so much
____________________
That really sums it up. There are basically two kind of guys. The ones that revel in making you smell their shit fumes and the ones that won't. I'm assuming that this probably wasn't a probalem with Michael. I don't think that was due to any special effort on his part, it's just the way he was.
I'm inclined to believe that if odor issues need to be addressed, it's probably not going to work out in the long run.
Either way, good luck with all that.
Submitted by precision (user info) at 2007-05-07 11:17:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Glad to see that you are getting some. Didn't you write about a guy that farted into mail tubes or somthing once? Maybe you need to do somthing like that to him to get him to straighten up.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-07 08:51:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Even my cat, who poops into a liter pan, was offended enough that she hid under the bed."
*chortles*
Submitted by Caulaincourt (user info) at 2007-05-07 08:44:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
farting is funny, but around your gf, not so much
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-07 08:39:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is very "dear diary-ish", but habeeb's review pulled it out of the trash.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:04:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I hope he has other extremely charming qualities that override the stink-bombings, because otherwise that "isn't my shit cute?" stuff will get old really fast. If your bathroom doesn't have a window, I hope you have a ceiling fan that works really well. If there is poor ventilation, there may be little he can do but make light of it. But if it's more a case of him not even trying to reduce the odor, that can only mean two things: 1.) He's into scat, and is "feeling you out" for potential similar fetishistic inclinations, or b.)he may be slightly abusive and find it pleasing to choke you out with his shit fumes. If he seems to be doing it on purpose, you might want to keep an eye on that. It could be a warning sign of possible future sadistic behavior. Unles you like that stuff. Which is totally cool with me.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-06 12:30:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-05-05 17:22:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Worth reading, but I would have thought your medical training might have enabled you to freshen up (pun intended) a pretty tired subject.
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-05-05 15:25:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
punch him in the face if he does it again!
Submitted by JulsInsane (user info) at 2007-05-05 13:20:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sleepovers after a month? You slut! But congrats on the new beau. Having lived with men in a non romantical sense let me tell you that reacting is probably your worst bet, quiet disgust will probably shame him the most.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-05-05 12:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
'Item' and 'couple' and shit like that is ridiculous. You're an item when you live together and not a moment before.
And anyone should have the couth to not stink the place up without warning...I mean it's going to happen, but a polite "would you care to step outside and have 30 minutes worth of cigarettes while I completely defile your toilet?" would do nicely.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-05 11:41:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Go to the vitamin store and get some acidopholous pills. Make him shove them up his ass.
Or, stand behind him with a cigarette lighter...
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-05 10:12:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Not to be a feminist or anything. *Wink-wink*
________________
Why not?
Or does the winking mean that you actually are?
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-05-05 05:27:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
There is a rapidly rising tide of unconcious anti feminism in society, through the media we train our daughters to be objectified whores, objects and property.
We are worse off now than we were before The womans liberation movements of the sixties and seventies.
I know this is slightly off topic but your opening words got my blood up.....and not in the good way.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-05-05 05:09:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Since I'm a sharing type of person, I usually ruffle the covers, before I go, so as to give a preview of what's to come.
I feel that it's only faire.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-05-05 02:22:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-05 02:02:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Although I would understand his motivation.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-05 02:02:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-05 01:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Doubtful Lung. He only has an older sister who he said smacked him when he farted around her.
-----
Good thing. He lives in Australia. If he was coming stateside to see you and not have a beer with me, there'd be hell to pay.
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2007-05-05 01:25:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I already own 29, is that bad?
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-05 01:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Doubtful Lung. He only has an older sister who he said smacked him when he farted around her.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-05 00:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One more thing before my show starts.
One of my brother's name is Chris. If you're dating my brother, please let him know that he can expect a call from me...and then a major asswhoopin'.
If your Chris is not my brother, I wish the two of you much happiness.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-05 00:29:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*liar
I know how to spell. You just made me all excited and shit.
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-05 00:29:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's all very nice and all, but just how long have we been together now?
ps, My farts don't stink
pps, I'm a lier...
ppps, ...Baby
Submitted by forensicgirl3 (user info) at 2007-05-05 00:28:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
WEEP
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-05-05 00:24:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
you ALSO sound like a cunt who needs a good beatin
I've seen yer pics
yer no prive either u bispecled BLOND Hermoineeen(Hairry Potter Chick)
Stop Bitchin and thinkin is funny and cute
Rosie O Donnels career is up next year
...and so to could be yer life,...
4 Eyes
GO BULLS WOO!!!
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-05-05 00:21:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If this is a real question and not just rhetoric... it all has to do with diet. I'm guessing he eats nothing but fast food. If he had a healthy diet, the bacteria that cause said problems would return to normal levels.
Submitted by Jack_McCallum (user info) at 2007-05-05 00:14:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Guys stink.
Deal with it.
We're also bastards.