I Am Unaware of Alcohol! (1765 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 1.83 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Steve St. Awesome (View user info) at 2007-05-05 17:47:36 EDT
Once upon a time, I was young lad of purity and clarity. I looked upon the world with wide-eyed amazement. I had ambition. I had the world at my feet and a new backpack, bought on sale from the army surplus store. I also had a nice hair cut and clean shoes.
Now those shoes are dirty and I wash my hair in the bathroom sink.
All because of alcohol.
And laziness.
But mostly alcohol.
I had to take alcohol awareness training today for the club I belong to at the university I attend. Let me break that one down again. I attend a university. I belong to a (drinking) club. I must learn how to be aware of alcohol.
Something in there isn't right.
I accidentally signed up to help run the club in the fall as members of the current executive are escaping into the real world. I didn't even do anything other than open up my big mouth to say 'Sure! I'll become a member of the club executive! Where's my free booze?' Oh, but you don't get free booze. You get to serve the booze and watch everyone drink it while you make sure no one is sliding down the banister and doing other fun things. I'm a stupid, foolish, alcoholic fool.
I wish I got gotten drunk and punched an Austrian in the face and was FORCED to take the training, but alas I am a pure, clean soul ready to serve drinks to the very Austrian I want to punch in the face.
I had to waste my Saturday afternoon in a conference room, learning about how I'm not allowed to drink at any of the upcoming parties for my club and how to watch for the signs of intoxication. With great power comes great responsibility. Unfortunately, I hate responsibility and shirk it at every cost.
I have a routine for courses like this. I've attended enough shitty training seminars to know how they work. Tricky fucks. Always trying to fuck with you. I know that many clubs will have many different representatives attending. It's like the United Nations but for fucks who have no real power other than to decide where they order pizza from during parties. 'Pizza Hut? FUCK NO! I OWN you bitches!.' I know that I won't know any of them and since they're members of a club executive they're either the biggest nerds available OR too stupid to get out of it. I want to spend as little time as possible in that room because I hate people like that (ie, people like me.) Also, I had terrible gas today from a big salad I ate yesterday. Big salad. A manly salad - one with deer meat on it because real men eat deer.
Normally, I'm so early to things it's not even funny. However, where 'team-building' and 'talk about yourself time' might abound I will be a minimum of 15 minutes late. That's just how it rolls. If they ask why I'm late I say 'It was very windy out.'
Why wind?
Have you ever walked in the wind and it blew dirt and sand in your eyes? You stumble around blindly with grit in your teeth as you try not to get run over by a city bus. It's like some kids are sitting on the side of the road chucking tiny pellets at you with great force. I hate the wind. Everyone hates wind unless one is a wind farmer, a sailor or has a kite fetish. Can you buy pornographic kites? That's a good idea so some one else must have thought of it first.
Needless to say, it was very windy today.
It also snowed last night.
Snow in May.
I woke up at 4 a.m. (by woke up I mean I was up all night watching CSI reruns in my underpants) and there was snow on the ground, covering up the dead druggies in my alley. Peace at last.
So it was windy and it snowed and my stomach hurt all day from that deer meat salad I ate. But I went. I don't know why I went. I was promised cookies so I guess I went for cookies.
I know nothing more now than I did when I began.
And there were no god damned cookies.
About the only thing I know now is that I've probably driven home under the influence more than once in my life. But I probably was aware of that before I can judging by next morning rush to see if there's anyone clinging to the bottom of my car, half-dead. I wish we still used horses as our means of travel because I'm pretty sure you can't kill anyone else on a horse. Unless the horse is drunk too. Then you end up dead in the river, tangled up in your own underwear.
The first 'presenter' taught us how not to get sued. When people are drunk, they are stupid. NEWSFLASH DRUNK PEOPLE ARE STUPID. You must care for and nurture these drunken people so they will stumble home alive and not sue you. Or try to have sex with your dog.
A number of years ago, a guy stumbled home drunk and never got home. He disappeared to a better life of not having to attend shitty concerts by shitty bands at our shitty campus bar ever again.
The lady started to get choked up.
It was Homer-esque moment when I wanted to raise my hand and ask if 'Missing guy' would be on the test. I don't think anyone in the room would have found it funny but me. Most were law students. Snobby law students with sweater vests.
I hate snobby law students with sweater vests.
I didn't realize the Jerk Society needed alcohol awareness training for their jerkfests.
I don't really remember much of the next two presenters. I think one was some guy talking about how you can't punch drunk people in the face to take their car keys so they won't drive. And how a barricade fell on some people. They didn't die so I don't really remember much of the details.
Needless to say, I probably failed the open book test because I was really tired from staying up all night yelling at the snow to fuck off.
Clearly I am unaware of alcohol in every sense except for its powers of awesomeness!
I'm going to go get drunk and watch the Kentucky Derby now. The race would be more entertaining if the horses were drunk. But since they're not, I'm going to get drunk for them.
Go booze woo!
User Reviews
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2007-05-10 14:02:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-05-07 15:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2007-05-07 14:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being the only sober one in a room full of drunks is MUCH more fun once you realize how easy it is to fuck with their heads...
-----
The irony of this statement made me shit myself with laughter.
________
I haven't done hard drugs in a year and I almost never drink, you two-faced, hypocrite, 'please-everybody-like-me!" dipshit.
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-05-10 02:43:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
You don't know me!
*finger wag*
You don't know me at all!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-09 16:12:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Remember when you posted stuff regularly? I do. This whole fame and MVA fortune has made you forget about your heritage. You've chanegd man, you've changed.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2007-05-07 23:55:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Where the f""" are the pancakes????
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-07 19:14:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
where is my hopkin green frog
Submitted by HadToBeDone (user info) at 2007-05-07 15:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2007-05-07 14:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being the only sober one in a room full of drunks is MUCH more fun once you realize how easy it is to fuck with their heads...
-----
The irony of this statement made me shit myself with laughter.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-07 14:52:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"If they ask why I'm late I say 'It was very windy out.' "
Brilliant! I think I'll use that sometime.
Submitted by QueenAshlee (user info) at 2007-05-07 14:31:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Being the only sober one in a room full of drunks is MUCH more fun once you realize how easy it is to fuck with their heads...
Submitted by Crystle (user info) at 2007-05-07 12:31:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-07 10:32:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
don't stop stlelevin'
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-05-07 10:23:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i am assuming that this position will allow you to meet lots of chicks, or else i can't imagine why anyone would want to do it.
perhaps learning some "cocktail style" tricks would make this gig more interesting...
http://www.773bartend.com/tricks.html
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:51:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I want to say yes, but the Germans have eliminated the Jew.
Lilja must use his power of rape to fuel the point on the power-play!
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-06 19:58:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Wings closing out the series tomorrow?
Submitted by stevie_says (user info) at 2007-05-06 19:44:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
In other news, I got home at 6 a.m. after going to a Swede's birthday party.
Some gay guys made me sandwiches at 4 a.m.
My name is now Monica.
Submitted by SPECIALk (user info) at 2007-05-06 18:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
shirk..now there's a word that doesn't get used enough!
ALCOHOL WOOOO
SUMMER WOOOO
PARTY AT MY HOUSE WOOOO
DANCING MIDGETS WOOOOOO
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-06 17:02:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I love alcohol
Submitted by Davros (user info) at 2007-05-06 15:20:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-06 13:12:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-06 02:49:36 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell yeah
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-06 12:26:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-06 12:25:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
Submitted by Amontillado (user info) at 2007-05-06 11:34:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Damn them!
Submitted by MidnightToSix (user info) at 2007-05-06 10:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I learned something here today.
Submitted by mynameisandy (user info) at 2007-05-06 10:21:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I've never had alcohol awareness, but it reminds me of the 'Team Member Handbook' I was given at a restaurant I worked at.
KNIFE SAFETY
(under the 'DON'T' section)
RUN WITH KNIVES
THROW AT OTHER TEAM MEMBERS
SWALLOW
I shit you not.
"IT DIDUNT SAY NOT TO FRO IT AT TEH MANZ I TEH HED!!!!111! I SOO YOO!"
Submitted by manic_impressive (user info) at 2007-05-06 09:57:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.iol.co.za/index.php?set_id=1&click_id=3&art_id=nw20070504160150348C477352
Submitted by beeltea (user info) at 2007-05-06 09:12:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
everybody wants to punch an austrian in the face.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-06 05:49:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hell yeah
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-06 05:20:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel great! I feel great! I feel bad. I don't even watch football, I don't even watch football! I can't remember my legs!
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2007-05-06 05:09:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey, that's my horse !
Submitted by Avals (user info) at 2007-05-06 04:38:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Woo alcohol!
Boo driving!!!
It's not that I'm drunk, it's the world that's weaving erratically from side to side.
Submitted by ChristPuncher (user info) at 2007-05-06 03:10:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
yer coo
Submitted by lungfish (user info) at 2007-05-06 01:52:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
My kind of writing.
Submitted by Ballare (user info) at 2007-05-06 00:00:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
As an employee at a liquor store, I had to take the 'alcohol awareness training' course, which was a waste of a day of my life. This obnoxious presenter told us how to identify the problem (stumbling smelly drunks), proper techniques in refusing to sell (do not raise your voice and snatch the bottle away), and a variety of other delightful, informative tips (do not drink on the job; alcohol use in the workplace leads to significant productivity loss and increases the risk of on-the-job accidents).
The funnest bit was at the end, when I got to write a top secret multiple-choice test that came in a dark envelope that asked questions like, 'Which of the following is true of alcohol? a) it is a depressant b) everyone reacts to alcohol the same way c) cats, millions of cats, flooding the hills' etc.
Anyway, +2.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-05-05 23:26:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You are funny.
Submitted by darko (user info) at 2007-05-05 21:58:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i beat steak to reading this, but I was too busy celebrating the wings win to comment
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-05-05 21:48:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Take that darko!
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-05-05 20:32:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ha
also, this === "Can you buy pornographic kites? That's a good idea so some one else must have thought of it first." === is something i always forgot to apply to my good ideas and so have been yelled at for being a copycat when implementing my good ideas which are in actuality other peoples good ideas that i just also happened to have had, only not first.
fuck you for happening before me, the past, fuck you.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-05 19:53:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is the anniversary of the day that ship from England, bound for Mexico, sank.
It was carrying 100,000,000 jars of mayonnaise. :/
Submitted by Draco (user info) at 2007-05-05 19:28:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I want to say its their 4th of July, but like you say, its hard to care when its a perfect excuse to drink til I black out.
Submitted by kaos-king (user info) at 2007-05-05 19:17:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Today is Cinco De Mayo, some random Mexican holiday that I don't understand but is an excuse to get wasted.
I will do a shot in your honor this evening, good sir... in your honor.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-05-05 18:38:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meat salad, now there's a salad I can endorse.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-05-05 18:36:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by AsshOly (user info) at 2007-05-05 18:09:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
will read later.