Boobs and Bar Fights (Take 2) (1699 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.29 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Vyktoriah (View user info) at 2007-05-06 22:07:45 EDT
So last Thursday started as a quiet night in. I'm back in the States visiting family this month, and I had anticipated an evening of television and crocheting (yes, I really am that sad). Instead, after he gets home from work, my brother - the bartender - suggests going out for a drink to his bar.
"We'll just stay for a drink or two," he says.
I don't worry about getting too dolled up as this is a redneck bar in a small town, and my brother's pretty well regarded as being protective of his big sister. We hop in his Mustang and jet down the road to the next town over. We arrive at the bar, and it's pretty empty. It's 7:30 on Thirsty Thursday, so I figured there'd be more people there. That said, I'm used to English pubs where the yobs and chavs fill every available seat every hour of the day!
Anyway, we sit down and he orders himself a Bud Light (he's watching his weight now that he's banging a model) and orders me up a Long Island Iced Tea after I beg the bar maid for something that "doesn't taste like alcohol."
As we sit and chat and catch up on what we've been doing with our lives, the bar starts to fill up with other people. One of the regulars, a 43 year old redneck named Mark comes and plops down on the stool next to me and immediately begins staring at my tits. My brother immediately speaks up and makes introductions, including a very loud warning to Mark to watch where he sets his eyes and what he does with his hands. I'm told in no uncertain terms that Mark WILL flirt with me, but just to ignore him.
I can generally hold my own with men. My boobs have been getting me in trouble since I was 12, so a girl has to learn to defend herself.
Anyway, two Long Island Iced Teas and a trip to the ATM later, and everything is merry in the bar. Mark is keeping his hands to himself, despite his constantly diverted attention, and I have some Zeppelin playing on the Juke Box.
Suddenly I notice that two new men have arrived in the bar. One is a weasley guy, shorter, thinner and with one of those dodgy Redneck mustaches that just SHOUTS pervert. The other was a stockier (read: fatter) guy with a very closely cropped hairdo and goatee. This guy looks familiar. These two are a bit loud and rambunctious, but hey, it's a bar.
The tubby fella shouts for the bar maid to come over and asks for a beer. Since he and his friend are CLEARLY drunk, she refuses to serve him and walks away. As she does, she says his name. That's when it clicks in my head, "Oh shit! I know who this guy is!"
At that same moment, he suddenly looks at me and his eyes go wide. He shouts my name across the bar and informs me, "I used to go to school with you!" I look around the bar trying to find my brother, and I see him standing at the juke box searching, no doubt, for some White Stripes or My Chemical Romance. I turn back and look at this guy (Bart is his name) again. I used to know him about 12 years ago when we were in 8th grade. His entire family is trash, and he was no exception. A fuck-up since kindergarten, he was thrown out of school several times over the years, but he always made it back. Even so, I haven't seen him since we were 14.
He repeats again, "I used to go to school with you!"
I look back at him and nod. "Yep. I remember. I used to be shit scared of you."
He grins nice and wide. "You were SCARED of ME? Why??" He's roaring now. "Why would you be scared? Is it because I want to SUCK YOUR BIG TITTIES!?"
Jesus. This guy is drunker than I thought. I look him dead in the eye and hold up my left hand, indicating my wedding ring. "I'm married, thank you very much."
"No shit," says he. "How about that! Congratulation. I'm really happy for you. Seriously."
I don't know what to say, so I go back to talking to Mark. Bart and his friend have obviously had enough of the atmosphere and they begin to make their way out of the bar. As they do, a little bald man two stools over from me mutters under his breath, "That's no way to talk to a lady. You should apologise."
At this, Bart gets angry and calls the bald man an ugly bastard.
Suddenly, bald guy's female companion gets up and, being equally as drunk as Bart, gets in his face and starts screaming and pushing him. Bart pushes her back, and she hits the bar hard. Bald guy gets pissed off and lunges for Bart. Bart's friend goes for bald guy. Stools start flying, tables are knocked over, and bald guy's girl gets back up and throws THREE solid punches in Bart's face. She then grabs his shirt, pulls it up over his head and punches him AGAIN.
The bar maid is screaming that she's called the police, the patrons are all trying to pull the four fighters apart, and my brother has finally gotten over his bewilderment and gotten between Bart and the bald guy to keep them away from one another. After a few more half-hearted lunges, Bart and his friend finally leave the bar.
The rest of us are standing around looking retarded and wondering what the hell happened. Just as we finish straightening the chairs back up, in walks Bart again. His shirt had been ripped from his body, and he is ANGRY. He shouts at bald guy's girl friend. He yells, "That was a $50 shirt! I'm gonna take $50 out of your FACE!"
And it all starts over again. This time, I jump in the fray, tackling the drunken chick and knocking her to the ground. Bald guy gets pushed hard into me, and I fly head first into the bar, knocking my brains together. Bald guy's girlfriend grabs a giant beer mug from the nearest table and hurls it as hard as she can toward Bart. It misses and hits a random spectator right in the throat. Bart's friend has blood running from his forehead.
The bar maid once again screams that the police are outside, and this spooks Bart and friend. We're told later that they are wanted in three states, and the last thing they wanted was to be caught. As they leave, they invite bald guy and his girl to meet them in the parking lot across the street.
By this point, I have grabbed bald chick's girlfriend, and I take her outside to get her to calm down. She offers me a smoke, and I take it. She wants to buy me a drink, but the bar maid refuses to serve her. As soon as the police arrive, bald guy and his girlfriend split.
The rest of the night is spent drinking as much as possible and fighting Mark off as he insists on protecting my modesty by continuously grabbing my breasts and pulling my shirt up so that my cleavage is covered. My brother barks at him each time he does this, and after he sneakily LICKS me, my brother finally gets rid of him for me.
At the end of the night, I go home, somehow $6 richer than when I arrived and with a feeling that somehow I am responsible for a very RARE bar brawl in my brother's bar.
And since no good bar story is complete without illustration, I've included a picture of the offending cleavage. If you ever see me at a bar, just remember - these tits have already heard every pick-up line.
User Reviews
Submitted by thecaes (user info) at 2007-05-14 22:47:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I thought it was a good story -- no exaggerating required.
Submitted by EchoBoxing (user info) at 2007-05-11 20:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
i didn't read it. you're ugly.
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-09 11:00:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-09 10:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i think you are quite attractive.
i could care less that you have big tits (lie)
but you have a nice smile.
story wasnt bad, but needs some colorful editing (more lies) to make it spicier.
=================
thank you
that's okay
thank you
next time
Submitted by czwij (user info) at 2007-05-09 10:09:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
i think you are quite attractive.
i could care less that you have big tits (lie)
but you have a nice smile.
story wasnt bad, but needs some colorful editing (more lies) to make it spicier.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-08 16:52:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-07 23:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-07 16:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-07 07:25:24 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The cleaveage isn't offending. It's not particularly remarkable in any way, actually, except that it's a bit low. A well-fitted bra will take care of that for you. JonnyX can help you out there.
-----
indeed I can.
How often do you have back problems?
========
I haven't been able to sit up straight since I was 12!
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Scoliosis is a motherfucker, ain't it?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:34:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
whoops again
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:34:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, Dustin got jumped in Tidiuoute later that night. Got his ass STOMPED!
===============
And by Dustin, of course you mean Bart. This shit is FICTIONALISED to protect the stupid.
And yay.
=======
whoops
Submitted by scourge (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:32:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:26:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, Dustin got jumped in Tidiuoute later that night. Got his ass STOMPED!
===============
And by Dustin, of course you mean Bart. This shit is FICTIONALISED to protect the stupid.
And yay.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:14:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You know, Dustin got jumped in Tidiuoute later that night. Got his ass STOMPED!
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-05-08 10:59:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'm a leg man.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-05-08 09:14:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-07 23:41:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
=================
Oh creep, you obviously are in love with me. Don't deny it. It's okay - there are support groups.
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Wanting to janx on your tits is not love. It might be the start of a nice friendship, but let's take things slow. I felt the same way about Jessica Rabbit and she turned out to be fake too.
Coyote: Slingin' truth since nineteen diggity-two.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-08 07:39:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for HoLe!
Submitted by lechuza (user info) at 2007-05-08 00:15:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-07 23:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-07 12:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs more hole.
When will I see the hole?
==========
Well never if I keep getting -2s! :)
-------------
I better see the hole or this will turn into a -2
Submitted by Coyote (user info) at 2007-05-08 00:04:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Shitty alter alert.
Submitted by Professional_Peon (user info) at 2007-05-07 23:54:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Mom?
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-07 23:20:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-07 16:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-07 07:25:24 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The cleaveage isn't offending. It's not particularly remarkable in any way, actually, except that it's a bit low. A well-fitted bra will take care of that for you. JonnyX can help you out there.
-----
indeed I can.
How often do you have back problems?
========
I haven't been able to sit up straight since I was 12!
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-07 23:20:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-07 12:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs more hole.
When will I see the hole?
==========
Well never if I keep getting -2s! :)
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-05-07 17:47:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
bongos?
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-07 16:09:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-07 07:25:24 PDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The cleaveage isn't offending. It's not particularly remarkable in any way, actually, except that it's a bit low. A well-fitted bra will take care of that for you. JonnyX can help you out there.
-----
indeed I can.
How often do you have back problems?
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-05-07 15:25:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-06 23:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-05-06 23:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoever called those big clearly has low standards and major vision problems.
=====================
This pic was taken on a different night. I'm wearing a minimising bra and a very clever top. I'm a GG!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
With a picture like that, I'll need more substantial proof. I'm suggesting a new picture to back up the claim. (What the hell is wrong with your face? Is that going to be better in the next picture too?)
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-05-07 15:19:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-07 15:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-06 23:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This pic was taken on a different night. I'm wearing a minimising bra and a very clever top. I'm a GG!
_______________
Shenanigans! GG?! No way any "clever top" and bra could make GGs look that small.
GGs are enormous.
I demand a recount!
-------------------------
seconded.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-07 15:09:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-06 23:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
This pic was taken on a different night. I'm wearing a minimising bra and a very clever top. I'm a GG!
_______________
Shenanigans! GG?! No way any "clever top" and bra could make GGs look that small.
GGs are enormous.
I demand a recount!
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-05-07 14:04:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
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Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-07 11:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-05-07 09:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fekinel.....I recognise you from somewhere......can't remember where though.......but I've seen you before.....not in real life but in a pic.....
============
by'eck luv, you'll have to think hard! I've got no way of knowing! :)
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Eh, I did a little research but couldn't find anything I'd have seen you on (did find your address and mobile phone number though, you might want to be ab it more careful, some people have had trouble on Ubersite with that kinda thing) so I guess it's a mystery.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-07 12:34:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Needs more hole.
When will I see the hole?
Submitted by orphelia (user info) at 2007-05-07 12:33:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
for the crochet
Submitted by shitfuck (user info) at 2007-05-07 12:28:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Well at least you have tits, otherwise you'd just be a dumb cunt.
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-05-07 12:24:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I would shit on your face without duct tape after I got done 2slotting you with a lantern battery.
Submitted by icarus1987 (user info) at 2007-05-07 12:12:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Irish? German?
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-05-07 11:46:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wooo boobs!!!
i'm more of a hand slapper than a bar brawler, but i'd love to ... just once... get a good punch in... or kick someone in the crotch... in a fight.
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-07 11:39:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-05-07 09:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fekinel.....I recognise you from somewhere......can't remember where though.......but I've seen you before.....not in real life but in a pic.....
============
by'eck luv, you'll have to think hard! I've got no way of knowing! :)
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-07 11:39:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I will rate this a zero until I am provided with better visual evidence.
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-07 11:38:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-05-07 08:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Inoffensive" seems an inappropriate word to use, but "mediocre" sounds a little harsh. "Nae bad", perhaps.
===============
You can say whatever you want as long as it's in that sexy scottish brogue.
Where do you hail from anyway?
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-07 11:36:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-07 01:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Vykkie?
========
Ooooh. Tori thankyouverymuch.
Submitted by skrapmetal (user info) at 2007-05-07 10:25:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
The cleaveage isn't offending. It's not particularly remarkable in any way, actually, except that it's a bit low. A well-fitted bra will take care of that for you. JonnyX can help you out there.
Submitted by DCWoody (user info) at 2007-05-07 09:22:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
fekinel.....I recognise you from somewhere......can't remember where though.......but I've seen you before.....not in real life but in a pic.....
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-05-07 09:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
having large mammary glands is different than having a bunch of fat in the sacks that house the mammaries.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-05-07 08:48:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd fuck your mouth.
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Now Matty's stealing my pickup lines. Ghey.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-07 08:26:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Actually have +1 for having a funky spelt name.
Submitted by mikethescottish (user info) at 2007-05-07 08:20:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"Inoffensive" seems an inappropriate word to use, but "mediocre" sounds a little harsh. "Nae bad", perhaps.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-07 06:45:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
No Comment
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-05-07 05:41:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Congrats on having big tits. Too bad you soul is dogshit.
Submitted by Flack (user info) at 2007-05-07 05:39:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
"orders me up a Long Island Iced Tea after I beg the bar maid for something that "doesn't taste like alcohol."
As soon as I read this, I quit.
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-07 04:38:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cheers big ears
Submitted by Barnymeinhoff (user info) at 2007-05-07 03:16:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
You are a jhona, I can feel the evil coming from the page, wherever you go man will kill man, you are born of the imp and must be destroyed...utterly.
Submitted by Wildman (user info) at 2007-05-07 01:56:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Ah yes, the old lean-forward I've got tits and I can tuck'm in my belt pose.
Submitted by thorpe (user info) at 2007-05-07 01:51:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Vykkie?
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-06 23:10:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-05-06 23:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoever called those big clearly has low standards and major vision problems.
=====================
This pic was taken on a different night. I'm wearing a minimising bra and a very clever top. I'm a GG!
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-06 23:09:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds like a great time. Why did you jump on bald guy's girlfriend? She sounded awesome. Stupid Mark deserved it. Unless you LIKE scary drunk guys you barely know screaming at you about sucking your tits in a public place. But I can tell by the way that you ended your post that you're very modest and would hate that.
Just kidding. You know, some girls are making money doing this! You don't have to give it away for free. Make the Marks of the world get out some of their pocket change!
====================
I jumped her to save her from getting hurt and/or arrested. I wanted to calm her down. She was going fucking nuts!
Submitted by ilikesteak (user info) at 2007-05-06 23:01:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Whoever called those big clearly has low standards and major vision problems.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:57:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Crap.
-BongZilla
Submitted by maiorano84 (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:50:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'd fuck your mouth.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:45:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
If I were bart I'd empty my pockets. And improve this site.
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:43:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Sorry, I meant "Bart", not "Mark".
Submitted by pandora (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Sounds like a great time. Why did you jump on bald guy's girlfriend? She sounded awesome. Stupid Mark deserved it. Unless you LIKE scary drunk guys you barely know screaming at you about sucking your tits in a public place. But I can tell by the way that you ended your post that you're very modest and would hate that.
Just kidding. You know, some girls are making money doing this! You don't have to give it away for free. Make the Marks of the world get out some of their pocket change!
Submitted by bob (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:39:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
a better picture would have been nice...
sheesh.
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:35:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm rather nonplused by your story, but charmed by your picture. Such is life I suppose.
===============
I've had to explain the story so many times, to the police, my parents, my HUSBAND, and my friends, and I think it lost it's excitement three tellings ago. But cheers for the +1.
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:34:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
===============
LOVE IT. Heard it before, but love it. :)
Submitted by Jeanneee (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:29:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I'm rather nonplused by your story, but charmed by your picture. Such is life I suppose.
Submitted by Dexter-Brown (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:20:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Screw me if I am wrong, but haven't we met before?
Submitted by STIXS (user info) at 2007-05-06 22:13:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Erm...congrats?