SUPA Final Round: "A Past Divine" (833 hits)
Category: Quotes & Stories -> PoetryRating: 1.37 on 51 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by JoeyG (View user info) at 2007-05-08 06:07:48 EDT
Ok, here we go.
I wrote this while fairly pissed. Apart from a few sober typo corrections, it's essentially still in its inebriated form. It's based on the legend that says whippoorwills can hear a soul departing from the body and catch it.
Best of luck to ahumblefool.
"A Past Divine"
I sit atop the moonlit hill,
I watch,
I wait.
I hear the calling whippoorwill,
My soul,
He senses.
My time within this world grows short, this paradise of mine,
This piece of heaven here for me, my home, a past divine.
I know that I will wake no more, to beautiful sunrise,
Or see the happiness within, your bright and shining eyes.
I will not see these hills again, nor mountains as they climb,
I will not see the daffodils, or bluebells of springtime.
I will not feel the crashing surf, I won't play in the seas,
I will not feel the calming of a soft and gentle breeze.
My final thoughts upon this Earth are on what might have been,
The things that I have never done, the things I've never seen.
My memories of autumn falls, of forests and of streams,
Are all I have to take with me, my everlasting dreams.
I play these visions in my mind, remembering the days,
When humming birds would beat their wings, in early morning haze.
When I was young I watched the clouds up drifting in the sky,
I watched the summer roses grow, and butterflies go by.
These wonders I won't see again, these things I'll never do,
I'll never feel that love again, of being close to you.
But past is past, my time has come and now I'll miss these hills,
I'll miss the burning sunset skies, the clouds and whippoorwills.
I sit atop the moonlit hill,
I watch,
I wait.
I hear the calling whippoorwill,
My soul,
He takes.
User Reviews
Submitted by diavola (user info) at 2007-05-09 19:45:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by HotWillie (user info) at 2007-05-09 19:44:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
YABBA DABBA DOOO
Submitted by blueboy (user info) at 2007-05-09 19:15:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
This is not my vote
Submitted by Mr_Burns (user info) at 2007-05-09 17:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I feel I have to make amends for the jerk below.
Submitted by ColchesterDr (user info) at 2007-05-09 17:36:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by Orgasmatron (user info) at 2007-05-09 17:26:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're certainly Most Improved, if such a thing existed.
The one thing I didn't like about this was some of the contractions you used. With the repetition of "I will not" in the second proper stanza, throwing "won't" into the mix knocks you off of the line you've created. It's almost too common of a term to use in a series of lines that are put together rather well. But what do I know - I also think that "I'll" in the following stanzas is completley fine. Maybe it's to do with how they sound. Whatever. This is a small time complaint.
Good use of framing. Your rhythm's definitely matured and come around.
Good on you for sticking it out until the end.
Submitted by Sacrilicious (user info) at 2007-05-09 13:47:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wonderful.
Submitted by CaptainThorns (user info) at 2007-05-09 09:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice work Joe.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-09 04:53:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-09 09:05:33 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Way to be reasonable in the face of a football wind-up.
You didn't even say "we're gonna do you."
-------------------
It's no fun on the internet.
My office is full of United fans, so I find it more productive to walk around knocking over coffee cups, stealing disks and installing Chelsea screensavers on their p.c's.
We've got nothing to gain in tonights game, so they aint gonna risk any more injuries. I reckon it'll be a shite game which united will win by 1 goal.
The cup final however..... that'll be a different story. You can have the premiership trophy, we were getting bored of seeing it in the cabinet anyway!!
Jose knows his job will pretty much depend on winning the FA cup. I reckon we'll beat you to it.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-09 04:05:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Way to be reasonable in the face of a football wind-up.
You didn't even say "we're gonna do you."
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-09 03:01:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-09 07:38:40 BST (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-09 15:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know Joey is a Chelsea boy...
so?
=============
SO I WAS GLOATING. JEEEEEZ.
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Fair enough. We fucked up against the gooners good and proper. Shame, coz otherwise it would have made tonight's game more exciting, but shit happens.
FA cup final will be good.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-09 02:38:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-09 15:18:57 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I know Joey is a Chelsea boy...
so?
=============
SO I WAS GLOATING. JEEEEEZ.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-09 01:32:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
so is Damon Albarn....
he's dreammmmmmmmmy
<3
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-09 01:18:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I know Joey is a Chelsea boy...
so?
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-08 23:16:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
PS I'm bumping this rating to 1 because I prefer it to the competition.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-08 23:15:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey is a Chelsea boy.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-08 21:59:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
eh?
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Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-08 15:48:20 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aha! Forgot you were a Chelsea fan.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-08 21:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 mail!
=================
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-08 08:21:39 PDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-08 16:17:19 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
best so far
good job JG
---------
Thanks hun! And my broadband is back on again at home, so I'll finally be able to reply to your mail later!
Submitted by rob_berg (user info) at 2007-05-08 21:38:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is fantastic.
Nice work.
Submitted by snag (user info) at 2007-05-08 20:58:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Good imagery and feeling.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-08 19:46:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey, you are up against an honest man, a guy with real class...
Submitted by ahumblefool (user info) at 2007-05-08 19:28:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
JoeyG, beautiful, just well written and beautiful. You deserve the title, and you can chalk this up to another well written piece that just demonstrates why I enjoy reading your stories on this site.
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-08 18:48:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Aha! Forgot you were a Chelsea fan.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-07 04:02:35 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Stagger_Lee (user info) at 2007-05-06 09:57:48 PDT (#)
Ranking: 2
UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED! UNITED!
</constructive critism>
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-08 17:11:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
.
Submitted by TheUniter (user info) at 2007-05-08 17:11:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-08 13:15:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HaHaHaHaHa! So you did.
For some reason, I always just seem to read over emoticons.
Submitted by jade_digitalmedia (user info) at 2007-05-08 13:12:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
*two snaps and a slap on teh booty*
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-08 13:08:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
St_Jimmy, I put that smiley face in there to show I wasn't upset.
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-08 13:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-08 12:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's based on the legend that says whippoorwills can hear a soul departing from the body and catch it."
It's probably good that you mentioned that. Never heard that legend before.
Interesting aside, most Americans have no idea who Guy Fawkes was and those who do know probably learned it from watching V for Vendetta.
******
Who the fuck are you to say what most Americans know?
____________________
Calm down Bubba. Ok fine, most Americans I know. There, that better? Thought that was implied, but appartently not.
I wasn't trying to pick on Americans, I just find it amusing that they still burn him in effigy, as is my understanding, while most of (the people I know) haven't heard ever heard of him.
I know there are ignorant people all over the world, but I thought, since we used to be British colonies not too long ago, it was kind of amusing how quickly most have forgotten.
Submitted by Zebra (user info) at 2007-05-08 12:48:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Not bad.
A few spots here and there were awkwardly constructed, as in the lines ending with 'sunrise' and 'springtime,' which compelled the reader to emphasize the wrong syllable.
There was some phrasing that seemed a bit off, also.
I almost think this might have been better if you'd forgotten about rhyming altogether, although some of it worked just fine.
Nothing to do with the poem itself, but I hate the disclaimers so many people put in these entries about time constraints, procrastination, and drunkenness.
Just put it out there without apology or excuse.
Overall, this was a nice entry. Your stuff has gotten progressively better.
Circe and gofer were the best in this comp, in my opinion.
But you are certainly the most improved.
Shlongy and Scourge tie for Miss Congeniality.
Submitted by Bubba2341 (user info) at 2007-05-08 12:46:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's based on the legend that says whippoorwills can hear a soul departing from the body and catch it."
It's probably good that you mentioned that. Never heard that legend before.
Interesting aside, most Americans have no idea who Guy Fawkes was and those who do know probably learned it from watching V for Vendetta.
******
Who the fuck are you to say what most Americans know? Although, you're probably right, but it applies to people all over the world, not just us ignorant Americans. :) We studied English history as a prelude to American history in high school. That's how they did things 40 years ago...
Joey, this poem really kicks ass.
Submitted by vyktoriah (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:31:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is gorgeous imagery. Drink more often, as it clearly brings out the best!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:21:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-08 16:17:19 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
best so far
good job JG
---------
Thanks hun! And my broadband is back on again at home, so I'll finally be able to reply to your mail later!
Submitted by St_Jimmy (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"It's based on the legend that says whippoorwills can hear a soul departing from the body and catch it."
It's probably good that you mentioned that. Never heard that legend before.
Interesting aside, most Americans have no idea who Guy Fawkes was and those who do know probably learned it from watching V for Vendetta.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:18:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Don't worry about it mate! Ahumblefool will almost certainly kick my ass when he posts his entry.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:17:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
best so far
good job JG
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:16:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Last one.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:15:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One more for good measure.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:15:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
How many does it take?
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:15:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I can't believe I did that.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:14:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No really.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:14:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bollocks
Submitted by FartSmeller (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:10:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Your soul is a "he"?
FAAAAAAAAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:09:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-08 15:59:27 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.soundies.com/catalog/product.asp?product_number=SCD4137
'The Whippoorwills' intricate harmonies and blue suede rhythm have that honest country-western feeling, but the vocals of Sweet Georgia Brown and hot licks of Roy Lanham say jazz, jazz, jazz. Featuring an all-American mix of classic standards and Lanham's own originals, the final package makes for a tantalizing hybrid of vintage sounds. Produced with the kind cooperation of the families of Roy Lanham and the Whippoorwills, this SOUNDIES exclusive is complete with a treasure chest of unprecedented photographs and liner notes!'
Something you want to tell us Joey?
-------------------
Gotta love Roy Lanham and those crazy whippoorwills.
And that Sweet Georgia Brown chick is teh hawt.
--------------------
I KNEW you were hot for her!
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:08:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-08 15:59:27 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.soundies.com/catalog/product.asp?product_number=SCD4137
'The Whippoorwills' intricate harmonies and blue suede rhythm have that honest country-western feeling, but the vocals of Sweet Georgia Brown and hot licks of Roy Lanham say jazz, jazz, jazz. Featuring an all-American mix of classic standards and Lanham's own originals, the final package makes for a tantalizing hybrid of vintage sounds. Produced with the kind cooperation of the families of Roy Lanham and the Whippoorwills, this SOUNDIES exclusive is complete with a treasure chest of unprecedented photographs and liner notes!'
Something you want to tell us Joey?
-------------------
Gotta love Roy Lanham and those crazy whippoorwills.
And that Sweet Georgia Brown chick is teh hawt.
Submitted by Coleslaw_Murphy (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:03:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This would've been difficult for ANYONE to beat. Good job.
Submitted by Beano312003 (user info) at 2007-05-08 10:59:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.soundies.com/catalog/product.asp?product_number=SCD4137
'The Whippoorwills' intricate harmonies and blue suede rhythm have that honest country-western feeling, but the vocals of Sweet Georgia Brown and hot licks of Roy Lanham say jazz, jazz, jazz. Featuring an all-American mix of classic standards and Lanham's own originals, the final package makes for a tantalizing hybrid of vintage sounds. Produced with the kind cooperation of the families of Roy Lanham and the Whippoorwills, this SOUNDIES exclusive is complete with a treasure chest of unprecedented photographs and liner notes!'
Something you want to tell us Joey?
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-08 10:55:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Do votes still count? Am I too late to help?
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-05-08 07:37:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I used to shit whippoorwill shaped turds. It was fucking amazing as I'm sure you can guess.
Submitted by JoeyG (user info) at 2007-05-08 06:24:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-08 11:18:23 BST (#)
Ranking: 2
AND ITS BRISTOL CITY..BRISTOL CITY FC!! WOOO YAY!
CONGRATS TO YOU GUYS TOO!
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Yeah, it was a good result for the Town. Shame they only drew, but one point was all they needed!
Shame Chelsea screwed up against the gooners, but such is life.....
Submitted by EmissionImpossible (user info) at 2007-05-08 06:18:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AND ITS BRISTOL CITY..BRISTOL CITY FC!! WOOO YAY!
CONGRATS TO YOU GUYS TOO!