Dimensia is Contagious (441 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.77 on 12 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Jon (View user info) at 2007-05-11 09:15:19 EDT
Nursing homes scare the shit out of me.
I don't know if it's the smell of chemicals and feces, or the lonely old man wearing a pair of bunny ears that wanders the halls unsupervised, making noises like Master P, "UUUUUHHHHH!"
Whatever it is though, I would rather slowly push a rusty nail through my left testicle and then pour lemon juice on it then go inside. However, at times in life, this is unavoidable.
Take April 4th, 2006 for instance. This is a day that would go down in histroy when Jon had to sit, by himself, in the hallway of a nursing home and saw things there he has trouble even writing about.
The fam was visiting a sick relative and I of course had no way of saying "no" to that. However, after entering, I couldn't bring myself to go around the tipped over tupperware pee container that had drenched the hall. I swear to God, judging by the smell, this person was on a strict diet of asparagus for the past week.
Well, appartently urine in the hall meant "pool party" for Otis (I've named him this because he had 3 teeth and not a single hair above the neck). Otis did a belly smacker onto the pile of urine and I thoguht he had surely just disintegrated his rib-cage. He seemed completely at home though, rolling around, laughing, in complete exstacy. Must be nice to be insane...
I had eaten Crispy Creme for breakfast, and suddenly the taste returned to the back of my throat. I couldn't help but think about how the taste of regurgitated Crispy Creme actually complimented the smell of old people chemicals and asparagus pee. Then, it happened...
I ran to the trash can and threw up, loudly. It was the kind of vomiting that involves your entire body convulsing, and you screaming at the top of your lungs. But, it was like I'd given some sort of mating call...
I turned around and saw a woman with NO teeth, whom I named Zelda (because she was carrying a sword she'd made out of cardboard). She had a glimmer in her eyes of a 7 year old on Christmas morning. She looked at me and yelled, "BEANS!!"
"No, vomit." I explained. It didn't matter.
She raised her sword and charged me. It's really gross when old poeple who need dentures opt out. She hit me full force with her sword and hugged the trash can I'd just puked into. As she hugged it, she turned her head to look at me, "You stay away from my beans you fuckin asshole..."
There was no staff around, so I decided to challenge Zelda. It was... the Legend of Zelda...
"MY beans," I said softly so only she could hear.
"NO!!" she screamed.
"I want my beans back," I said in the same tone.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!" like a fucking fire-alarm. Staff turned from watching the Price is Right to see a guy on his back on the floor, staring at the ceiling covered in urine and an old woman clutching a trash can so hard it had folded in on itself.
One orderly rolled his eyes and slowly walked toward us.
Before he got close enough to hear I said softly, "he's coming to take your beans away."
This last one was a mistake, and I regret it... sort of.
She reached into the trash can and flung a handful of vomit at the orderly.
"What the ff...!" he stopped himself. She was pretty good at vomit flinging. Direct chest hit.
"I threw up in there and now she wants it, keeps calling it 'beans'" I explained.
"You eat Crispy Cremes lately?" he asked me.
How in the hell did he know this? What could possibly be the reason for her to call Crispy Creme vomit "beans". Why am I still here?
Then it hit me, I'd caught dimensia...
An orderly gently took be by the arm, putting me in one of the rooms. Maybe my grandkids would come to visit soon...
I sat back in my favorite chair and looked at the nice view of the water treatment plant out my window. I reached under the cabinet where I'd hidden the contriband Crispy Cremes. I was going to have to cut Zelda off...
User Reviews
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-11 15:38:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Dimensia?
Is that where you have the ability to turn god mode on and wall-hack?
Submitted by Fey (user info) at 2007-05-11 12:29:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
What they said. Most of them, anyway.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-11 11:17:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-05-11 10:58:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-05-11 10:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-11 10:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This had promise.
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-05-11 10:55:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-11 10:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This had promise.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-11 10:20:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
This had promise.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-05-11 10:18:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-11 09:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Y'know, I once read that nursing homes have some of the highest STD infection rates in the country. Makes sense I guess. All those oldsters cooped up together with nothing to do but watch daytime T.V., crochet, or screw like ancient bunny rabits.
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I read that if we all didn't pump gas on the 15th we could show the oil companies who's boss, but I knew that was bullshit too.
Submitted by creep_firebombing (user info) at 2007-05-11 10:06:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I actually kinda liked it until the last 3 paragraphs. I don't like that copout and-then-he-woke-up-and-it-was-all-a-dream horseshit and that's what this ending felt like.
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-05-11 09:27:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-05-11 14:25:48 BST (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-05-11 09:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Learn to spell.
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Dementia!
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Krispy Kreme. Also, commas are your friend.
Proof read.
Submitted by ChaosJester (user info) at 2007-05-11 09:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Y'know, I once read that nursing homes have some of the highest STD infection rates in the country. Makes sense I guess. All those oldsters cooped up together with nothing to do but watch daytime T.V., crochet, or screw like ancient bunny rabits.
...
On the plus side, who cares if you catch the AIDS, yer gonna die pretty soon anyway. Might as well go out with a 'bang' as it were...
Submitted by c1ndy (user info) at 2007-05-11 09:25:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-05-11 09:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Learn to spell.
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Dementia!
Submitted by HurtByTheSun (user info) at 2007-05-11 09:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Learn to spell.