Fuck St. Patrick's Day: The Diary of a Binge Drinker (860 hits)
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Submitted by Grownasskid (View user info) at 2007-05-11 12:44:05 EDT
Up until this year, I had never taken advantage of St. Patrick's Day. For myriad reasons I never took it upon myself to put on a green shirt, wear a poorly made plastic hat, and drink green beer until my liver is poisoned beyond return. Naturally, when I found out that this year's St. Patty's Day was not only a Saturday, but that I was responsibility free that weekend, I decided to take advantage of the chance to do something incredibly stupid; namely, drink until I could no longer see. I kept a diary of the events that took place that day, and here it is for you all. Take for what it is; a chronicling of where mistakes are made and regrets are born. The notes are, for the most part, are word for word as they appear on the six pieces of computer paper they were written on. The events described here happened between 9:43am on Saturday, March 17th and 7:03AM on Sunday, March 18th. The names have been changed to protect the guilty.
9:43AM: First beers are cracked. I will be keeping a diary of all significant events that take place in the course of our debauchery today. Our location is the apartment shared by my friends John, Paul, and George. John is currently in the kitchen working on his home-made brew kit; he is trying to make his own beer, unfortunately named "Mad Hops". Paul is at his desk, playing "The Sims" video game; he is trying to make his character sire as many illegitimate children as possible. I am currently on the toilet. I will be keeping track of all important stats. Here is where we're at so far:
Beer Consumed (in cans) - 0
People Headed Towards Blackout - 0
Cuss Words - 0
It's an admittedly slow start. However, I must bear in mind that all parties involved did some serious drinking last night; John and I watching bootleg Modest Mouse DVDs, and Paul going to a party with his girlfriend. I do not know what I expect from this experience. Nothing, I suppose, and maybe the hope that I can find something within that nothing at the end of the day.
10:19AM: Beers - 2 Blackouts - 0 Cusses - 0. We are currently trying to put bottle caps on John's first batch of "Mad Hops". It is difficult work, even for the highly evolved like us. Morale for the day is not high. Many still suffering from hangovers. What are we doing to ourselves? Mario Kart is turned on to distract us from the fact that we are drinking at 10am. George returns from practice and joins the fray. He is able to cap more bottles in 30 seconds than the rest of us combined. Showoff.
10:56AM: Beers - 3 Blackouts - 0 Cusses - 2. Despite the jump in cuss words, beer drinking is still slow. All bottles now capped and, according to John, "nature is taking its course", whatever that is supposed to mean. Morale is improving, whether it is because the Modest Mouse bootlegs are back on or because I whooped Paul up in Mario Kart is for history to decide. I will probably stop writing in such detail as the day goes on.
12:15pm: Beers - 4 Blackouts - 0 Cusses - 2. Beers have given way to responsibility (Note - I remembered "oh fuck, I forgot I have an article do by Sunday. Fuck fuck fuck.). Modest Mouse bootlegs half over. Steak sandwiches have been ordered and have arrived, morale sky rockets. Paul finds that he unable to kill one of his infant sons in "The Sims", and is forced to take a long hard look at his life now that he is being outsmarted by a video game baby.
12:25pm: Switching from beer to lemonade to wash down steak sandwich. This experiment is in jeopardy.
12:51pm: Paul: "You know what? I'm feeling indestructible." Fuck yes. Experiment is back on track. (Note - If someone said to you "I'm feeling indestructible," is there any way the situation can end besides badly?)
1:10: Beers - 6 Blackouts - 0 Cusses - 3. Currently discussing the pros and cons of honey roasted peanuts with Paul; packaging claims that they are a nutritious way to satisfy hunger, we question those claims. Wondering if it would be bad if I were to lick the peanut sugar on the bottom of the tin. John is taking a nap; has too much sand in his vagina. Paul, George, and I are watching the Bruce Willis film "Hostage". George is enthralled by the film; Paul is disgusted and is making his feelings known to all. I wonder if George and Paul will get into a fistfight tonight. Man, I hope so. More beers are on the horizon. I feel good about this.
1:25: Beers - 7 Cusses - 4. Things are on the up and up. George has started drinking again, and "Cold Beer" sign that hangs over the kitchen door has been turned on. We are in business. Any symptoms of my previous hangover are gone; let's get drinking.
1:45: Beers - 9 Cusses - 10. The use of curse words has sky rocketed in the last 20 minutes, mostly due to Paul and I discussing various slang terms for large, saggy breast on women. I submit "fried eggs on door nails." Paul submits "oven mitts full of water." Fuck, I think he wins.
1:51: Still watching "Hostage" with Bruce Willis. Can anyone even imagine how fucking horrible it would be to be set on fire? Jesus, what an awful way to go. Too bad for the sociopath in this movie, that is exactly how it ends up for him. I need another beer.
2:05: Hostage is over; I am unfulfilled by its ending (Willis and Kevin Pollack shoot everyone, what a crock).
2:06: Paul - "40 Days and 40 Nights defines my future career." Ladies and gentlemen, the exciting world of digital art!
2:15: First beer slobbering happens (beer slobbering occurs when drinking from a can and some beer escapes and falls on your shirt). Sadly, I'm the culprit. What a light-weight I am.
2:17: Beers-10 Slurs-11. Man, I'm feeling pretty good, I must say. I don't know why things were going so slowly before. One of those e-surance commercials with the male and female cartoon characters comes on. I fucking hate those commercials. Whoever decided that a man and woman flirting and battling robots in various terrains and social circumstances would sell car insurance should be fired. George, who apparently left the apartment, appears with a case of beer. This, I feel, will be significant later on.
2:31: While writing this, I have learned that a classmate of mine from college has died of cancer. The student body has responded to this by posting all sorts of prayers and messages on the kid's facebook wall. This strikes me as modern, depressing, sweet, and crushingly sad in ways that I can't really articulate right now. Death must be in the air; Paul has finally succeeded in killing his baby in 'The Sims." Turns out he lit the baby on fire. There is no such thing as coincidence; I am convinced that tonight will end with me being lit on fire.
2:32: Paul celebrates his victory over a video game's A.I system. "They were crafty, but I got them." I need a drink
2:50: Beers - 11 Slurs - 11. All parties holding strong, if not a little giggly. Paul was right, we are indestructible. Beers and morale are getting low (George's case is still warm, we're not animals). A trip to the beer store is inevitable. In other news, I still haven't written that fucking atricle yet. Spelling is decreasing; I'll have to start typing this on a computer soon.
2:51: Pee breaks increasing. I might be buzzed.
3:10: Male Rape = sexy? (Note - I can only assume I'm talking about the climax of "40 Days and 40 Nights" in which the main character is raped by his ex-girlfriend which outrages his current girlfriend, not because he was raped, but because he cheated on her. In what world does that logic make any fucking sense? Also, if this film was about a woman instead of a man, I can guarantee that this would be taken a lot less lightly, because as it stands in this movie, no one even brings it up. Outraging at every angle.)
3:23: Beers - 12. 12th beer. That is all.
3:25: Beers are at dangerously low levels. I think I might be getting drunk. George is long gone, and John is still asleep. Doom is impending for me and Paul. A Jeff Mangum bootleg DVD is on TV. It occurs to me that we, as fans, take music far too seriously. These people, our heroes, our demi-gods, they aren't prophetic visionaries or prophets, they're just normal people who wrote something down and put it to music. They are not the monoliths I see them as.
Ok, I'm probably drunk.
3:27: Illegal drugs may be on the way to the apartment. This seems like good news.
3:43: Beers - Anywhere from 12 to 14. I've lost count of how many beers I've had. Approaching "messy" status. I'm going to have to switch to the computer soon.
3:48: Paul and I have a discussion about personal growth over the last 5 years. It's a hell of a thing, really (Note - I think I meant that personal growth is a hell of a thing, not having a conversation with a friend. But I can't be sure.).
3:53: Beer Math - $29 minus $11.50 = $17.50 This means we can get two cases of cheap beer.
3:58: Just spit on myself.
4:04: Paul empties his trash water out the window of his second floor apartment. He might be drunk. (Note - trash water is that nasty plasma that accumulates at the bottom of trash cans. That shit is gross.)
4:28: Beer run. We are stocked and ready for the long, dark, winter hours to come.
4:29: Beers- 14? (Note - this is my last notation as to how many beers I drank until the end of the night. More later.)
4:55: More beers. Paul and I are trying to edit a video he shot of a recent open mic night at a local bar. We almost come to blows over it.
5:47: More beers. John wakes up. Paul and I owe him some money. Shit.
6:00: Ringo arrives and cracks his first beer. I can only imagine he is disgusted and enthused by what he sees Paul and I have been doing since 9 this morning. A food run is on the horizon.
6:12: Ringo and I discuss relationships. It's a hell of a thing (Note - once again, it's the subject, not the act of conversation that's a hell of a thing. I think.).
6:21: (Ringo has taken the notes) Grownasskid pissed in the sink before leaving to get food (Note to Paul, John, and George - sorry guys.).
7:36: Slurs - 12. Yoko is on her way to the apartment. Beer = fun (Note - I have no idea what this means or if it is even what I wrote, my notes are chicken scratch at this point). John - drunk. Grownasskid = drunk. Paul = not drunk (liar). George = drunk. Ringo = getting drunk.
7:53: Drinking games being. We start with baseball. I hit a homerun. I rule.
7:55: (George has taken the notes) I am fucked up!
8:03: Blackouts - 2. Paul and I are blacking out tonight.
(The notes from this point on are illegible. As best I can make out, shots were taken, some yelling was done, and there was a lot of homo-eroticism that would probably be very incriminating if I could read it.)
6:54 AM: I am currently on the floor. I do not know if I slept here, or if I fell off of the couch. The apartment looks like the kind of place homeless men convene to do drugs; there are empty bottles, crumbs, pieces of cloths, and human DNA mashed into the carpet. I do not know where Ringo, Paul, George, or John are. My mouth is dry beyond explanation; it feels as though I gave a sand dune oral. I can barely open my eyes or move any part of my body. I am sure that I am jaundiced.
According to the beer tabs and bottle caps in my shirt pocket, I consumed 30 beers last night. The knowledge that I drank an entire case of beer over the course of about 15 hours does not make me feel any more complete. This experiment has given me no answers or insight, but it has given me a brain tumor, judging from the pain in my skull. I am going to shuffle back to my apartment, and do my best to forget this ever happened. Fuck St. Patrick.
User Reviews
Submitted by i_can_get_you_a_toe (user info) at 2007-05-13 17:47:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It isn't St. Pattys Day unless you have some sort of bar fight, fountainous vomiting, or a scrape with the law.
Submitted by BongZilla (user info) at 2007-05-12 18:20:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"has finally succeeded in killing his baby in 'The Sims." Turns out he lit the baby on fire. "
+2 for that line alone.
-BongZilla
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-05-12 17:27:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"that's right, i said 5 shots of Everclear"
no, i am not drunk now, despite missing the 6 key and hitting the 5 instead.
just hungover.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2007-05-12 17:25:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good job. i remember the last time i drank a 30 pack by myself. i probably would have been ok that night except i did a shot of Captain (which i hate) and 6 shots of Everclear also. that's right, i said 5 shots of Everclear after a 30 pack.
needless to say, blackouts = 1. i woke up in my bathtub naked with second degree burns on my hands.
the next weekend was the Spurs championship game and i consumed 37 beers in a drinking contest with my 70 year old neighbor. i beat that old bastard, but not by much. the last thing i remember was the confetti and streamers coming down on the TV when the Spurs won and crawling across the yard to my house. i woke up later halfway in the door and half out.
Submitted by MyNameIsTim (user info) at 2007-05-12 04:11:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
cool man
Submitted by JonnyX (user info) at 2007-05-11 15:37:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-05-11 11:56:17 PDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
so let me get this straight...you and three guy friends spent the whole of St. Patty's Day in an apartment drinking cheap beer?
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You still haven't taken advantage of St. Patty's day.
Submitted by ticklish_squirrel (user info) at 2007-05-11 15:19:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahaha! Awesome! In my head I read this with increasing "slurrage" as the paragraphs passed.
I want to try this.
Submitted by Shlongy (user info) at 2007-05-11 15:14:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Anne Frank's diary was shorter than this, but just as uninteresting.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-05-11 14:56:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
so let me get this straight...you and three guy friends spent the whole of St. Patty's Day in an apartment drinking cheap beer?
---------------------
You still haven't taken advantage of St. Patty's day.
Submitted by indoninja (user info) at 2007-05-11 14:51:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Up until this year, I had never taken advantage of St. Patrick's Day.
Submitted by The_taste_of_Monkeys (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:58:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Kiss me Im shitfaced, as the song goes
Submitted by DirtyHarry (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:21:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2007-05-11 12:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wtf im not reading all that
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:19:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it's true, the only girl to come around that entire time was Yoko.
But, in my defense, I'm told that I went to the apartment next door and tired to get mt friend's girlfriend to blow me. I don't remember it, so it never really happened.
Submitted by Unabonger (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:17:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
so let me get this straight...you and three guy friends spent the whole of St. Patty's Day in an apartment drinking cheap beer?
You were at no time in any kind of close proximity with a human vagina?
That's pretty lame, dude.
but I'm still kicking the +1 just cause I feel good right now.
Submitted by experima (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:15:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I like the idea of chronicling the whole thing. Especially funny is the cryptic "Male Rape = Sexy?"
Submitted by Hilarity_Ensues (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:13:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This sounds kinda like my St. Paddy's Day '06, but add playing in DC traffic.
Submitted by RustyShackleford (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:10:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
exactly how st paddys is to be celebrated
Submitted by sicosemen (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:09:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Drinking is fundamental.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:05:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA I'll give you that one.
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:03:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
i'll admit its late. But it took me about a week to recover physically from this, and it took me another two months to regain my self respect.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2007-05-11 13:03:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
It isn't St. Pattys Day unless you have some sort of bar fight, fountainous vomiting, or a scrape with the law.
Submitted by The_Drake (user info) at 2007-05-11 12:49:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Isn't this just a TAD late........anyone?
Submitted by Grownasskid (user info) at 2007-05-11 12:44:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
wtf im not reading all that