Brutal death my victim served. (1044 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.31 on 37 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Queen Mama <Queenxtc_.at.webtv.net> (View user info) at 2003-07-17 07:37:26 EDT
Ok,
I have a rant. I'm sure i'll probably get flamed for this, but there is something down here in Texas that I cannot stand. Tree Roaches.
I remember when I was 13 and had just moved back down here from the state of Utah. Yes, I lived in Utah. It's a beautiful state, but that's not the point.
I hadn't lived here for more than a month or so I guess, when I first encountered one of these disgusting creatures. I was sitting in the living room of my mom and step-dads house, minding my own business, watching t.v, when all of the sudden out of no-where this "bug" flew across the room. Now, I'm not usually bothered by bugs, as I love spending allot of time out doors, but this one in particular struck a nerve with me. I got up to investigate it, and as I drew closer to this massive thing, I realized then it was a HUGE roach!!
I immediately started screaming for my step-dad to come and see this, and he walked in the room calmly and said, "oh it's just a tree roach" and stared at me blankly. I was horrified. "A tree roach? what is that?" I asked him curiously. He replied in a very 'matter of fact' tone, that they were basically out-door roaches, that could fly. They sometimes get in the house during this time of year, as to aviod the heat and humidity of Texas summers.
I had never seen one of these before (or at least not that I could remember) so, I stared at the beast from a distance. I was amazed at it size. This thing had to be at least as long as my thumb. And looked exactly like the popular 'house roach'. Finally I had looked enough, and began to feel uneasy being in it's presence. As I turned to walk away, it attacked me!! Came flying right at my head. So here I am, jumping around the room screaming like i'm being attacked by a swarm of bees, and hitting at my hair b/c I can hear it's disgusting self caught in my hair.
My step dad walks over calmly and gets it out of my hair, throws it outside, and laughs himself to sleep, thinking about my huge 'fear' performance.
Well, I have hated these things since that day. Not being able to be in the same area that I see one. I run in fear and get chills up my spine whenever I see one.
Well, they love my garage. And unfortunately the garage is where my washing machine and dryer are. So I have to go out there and make a huge noise everytime I do, to stir any lurking tree-roaches up, so they don't attack me while doing laundry. They are especially bad during the summer months, and I can count on walking out there and seeing them fly around at least for the most part of the summer. Well, my son had said earlier yesterday that he had seen one in the house, and tried to kill it but it got away. He specifically said, "Mom, it was too fast". I shrugged my shoulders, thinking it would stay in hiding, or maybe not and one of the cats would get it. See, i'm not afraid, if I don't see it.
Last night I was in the kitchen loading the dishwasher, minding my own business once again. And I decided to heat up some leftover scallop potatoes I had made, and connect to Uber. Well, I hear the microwave go off and go in and get the food, and as i'm stirring the potatoes, I hear something flying. As I turn to investigate, WHACK! Something hits me right in the friggen fore-head. I immediately start waving my hands around like a fool, trying to figure out what it was and if it is possibly stuck to me somewhere, and then on the floor, I see it. The biggest Tree-roach I have ever laid eyes on!!! It had to be at least 3 inches long!!!
I run out of the kitchen looking for something to kill it with. I can't find anything! I saw my fiance's shoe and pondered the idea, but figured that weapon would be too small, and risk me having to come within 1 foot of this monster. So I run, and see my fireplace broom. Thinking hell yeah, you're dead now suckah!! I run back into the kitchen and raise up the broom to smash my victim, and it runs towards me. So I back up and am now screaming for my son (who is 6) to "GET UP AND COME KILL THE ROACH!" unfortunaly he never woke.
So here I am, in battle. Now pulling out the chairs to my dining room table, and crawling underneath it, to kill this roach. It was quite a sight i'm sure. Finally he crawls out from under the table and I raise the broom and whack him something good! It was then I realized, just how flimsy and soft the bristols are. So I hit him again, this time leaving the broom bristols over what I hope is his dead and squished body. But no, this damn thing ATTACKED me, for NO reason...This death was simply not brutal enough. So I get the chair and place the leg over the broom bristols, and begin jumping up and down on the roach, until I am completely satisfied he is nothing more than remains.
After a 'cooling down' moment, I gathered the broom up, and carried it outside to the garage, in a 'it's smothered in plague' type fashion, the furthest I could keep it away from me. He was now stuck inside, in between the broom bristols, so I began to shake and hammer the broom the floor untill I saw him come out.
His attack was yet to be finished, as he flung his dead carcas towards me as he came flying out of the broom.
In horror, I ran into the house, sweating and feeling as though I had just fought a wild pack of dogs.
They have it out for me, I know they do!
I hate these damn things, they all MUST DIE!
Thanks for letting me share, Queen
<visualizes..Hi, My name is Queen, and I'm afraid of roaches....
User Reviews
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-07-28 19:29:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lesions- I am now convinced that you are in love with me.
I can't believe you made the time enough for me to -2 one of my posts that much. You must really have allot of jealousy for the fact that my posts aren't shit like yours.
Awwwww poor lesions....BAHAHAHAH LOSER you crack me up!
Thanx for the laugh, now i'll go back to having a life, something you obviously don't have.
Queen
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-07-28 18:23:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
waste of time
waste of air
just die.
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-07-28 18:23:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-07-28 18:23:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-07-28 18:23:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-07-28 18:23:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-07-28 18:23:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-07-28 18:22:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-07-28 18:22:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-07-28 18:22:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by legi0ns (user info) at 2003-07-28 18:22:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
No Comment
Submitted by hcp28 (user info) at 2003-07-18 03:50:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for impaling it with a broom, bravo!
You need a mini bottle of raid to carry with you Queen. My friend has one she carries like pepper spray. I guess it would work the same. she may seem sweet and tender but once a roach comes across her path she becomes a vortex of unconcievable rage and unsurpressed cowardice all at the same time. Needless to say there have been many occasions where she throws me some raid and runs to her room... what a wuss. I hate spiders though, sons o bitches.
Submitted by FreshYaPepper (user info) at 2003-07-18 03:10:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Any cruelty visited upon big, gross bugs is cool with me. We have camel spiders here, not really spiders but these creepu spider-like bugs with 8 legs that have jaws about the size of my thumbnail. They're creepy, and we frequently find them in spooky places like in bookshelves, our vehicles, and (shudder) in our sleeping bags. We've enlisted the aid of electric field phones to stem the tide, they do quite a number on ugly insects.
Submitted by JohnWilkesBooth (user info) at 2003-07-18 01:38:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 for saying utah is a beautiful state.
Submitted by EvilZurr (user info) at 2003-07-18 01:21:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i always had a latent fear of spiders, but i got over it. that is, until i moved from chicago to california. the first night here, i felt my face being tickled, so i opened my eyes, and there was a big ass BLACK WIDOW sitting 2 inches from my face. needless to say, i survived (darn), so did the spider (double darn), and im now deathly afraid of all spiders bigger than a daddy longlegs (minus tarantulas, because those are the bitches of the spider world)
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-07-18 00:56:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Great story, considering it was written by a cock smoking, inbred, skank/whore hybrid.
I'm so high I'm watching wrestling. Shepard Smiths voice gave me headache.
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-07-17 22:46:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When you come and visit me in Australia, you will find a new level of pain when it comes to bugz.
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-07-17 15:00:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Papsmear, damn you really are an idiot. I'm 25, my son is 6, do the math fucktard.
Queen
lol- thanx to all the rave reviews, I'll think of all of you when I get all axe-murderish on the next one..>=)
Submitted by qmakowski (user info) at 2003-07-17 13:30:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
woohoooo! damn bugs!
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-07-17 12:42:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+one trillion points..
very funny... Fight the enemy from "within" Queen.
Submitted by PapSmirnoff (user info) at 2003-07-17 12:15:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Woah you had a kid when you were 13 wow your a slut!
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-07-17 11:33:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
she didnt mean that the shoe wasnt big enough
she meant it wasnt long enough. to hit it with a shoe you have to get less than 1 foot away from it. you know?
rock on. i hate bugs.
stupid bugs.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-07-17 11:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I think these are the same as Palmetto bugs? If so, then FUCK THESE SONS OF BITCHES! They are all over Florida right now
Submitted by turveytopsy (user info) at 2003-07-17 11:15:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
When someone sees a large bug in a tree here in Chicago, the city is called and they deforest an entire 6 block radius, seriously. Stupid Asian Long Horn Beetle scares.
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-07-17 10:13:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This story is great! I have a question though.
"The biggest Tree-roach I have ever laid eyes on!!! It had to be at least 3 inches long!!!
I run out of the kitchen looking for something to kill it with. I can't find anything! I saw my fiance's shoe and pondered the idea, but figured that weapon would be too small,"
3 Inch roach vs. fiancee's shoe?
What? Are you engaged to the incredible shrinking man?
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-07-17 10:10:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
We have those things here too. They CANNOT be killed so don't sweat the ecosystem. Fly swatters only piss them off. I've hacked at them with all the enthusiasm of a serial ax murder only to have them shake it off and come at me again. Why on why do they have the gift of flight? That alone is a sick twist of evolution.
+2 for demanding that you son kill for you, he's gonna grow up to be Norman Bates
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-07-17 09:45:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should have set in on fire when you were done.
Submitted by carmex9 (user info) at 2003-07-17 09:26:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
this was really good. I like things that are really good.
Submitted by Zoidberg (user info) at 2003-07-17 09:24:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for yelling at your 6 year old to save you
Submitted by PAS at 2003-07-17 08:39:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hahahahah! Great story Queen.
I hate cockroaches and tree roaches too, those things are disgusting. Luckily I've never seen one except in a museum (it's true) but just the thought of them makes me want to heave.
Buy a gun and shoot those fuckers.
(joking about the gun part - but why can't someone invent something to destroy those mofu's?) ~ And by destroy I mean something homeowners can use and don't have to dress up in a big suit and mask and spray chemicals everywhere.
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-07-17 08:06:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
lmao espo, thanks for the smiley and +2 =)
And Mick, where were you with that 'greek like body' of yours when I needed you?...lol!
Queen
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-07-17 08:04:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Exterminator Mama.
good story.
Submitted by EspoDmouth (user info) at 2003-07-17 07:56:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
sorry queen.
you`re right, my -2 was out of order.
here`s another +2 and a smiley :)
peace
espo
Submitted by EspoDmouth (user info) at 2003-07-17 07:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
upon further review:
+2 simply for:
"His attack was yet to be finished, as he flung his dead carcas towards me as he came flying out of the broom.
In horror, I ran into the house, sweating and feeling as though I had just fought a wild pack of dogs. "
i love dead carcasses that fling themselves towards me.
peace
espo
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-07-17 07:53:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
well, good point, ok they don't "all" have to die, but any that enter my house will die a very brutal death.
lol..
can't believe you gave me a -2!
Queen
Submitted by PopNFresh (user info) at 2003-07-17 07:52:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That is fucking hilarious
Submitted by EspoDmouth (user info) at 2003-07-17 07:51:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
+2 because it was a good story.
have you ever conisdered the ecological repercussions of killing ALL of these things? you could single-handedly wipe out an entire ecological niche, rendering the whole ecosystem static and resulting in world-wide death, plauge, rape, and nuclear holocaust.
-2 for not considering the ecosystem
-2 for killing us all