My Resume is a Steaming Pile of Shit. (8953 hits)
Category: RomanceRating: 1.9 on 46 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by DrinkDDT (View user info) at 2003-07-18 10:20:31 EDT
Hire THIS.
o JACK IN THE BOX (Aug 96-Sep 97)
After only two weeks on the job, I mastered wiping off tables and giving back correct change (most of the time). I crawled my way up to ASSistant manager at the ripe age of 16 and was repeatedly raped in the ass (figuratively) working the graveyard shift on school nights. My tenure ended when my hetero-life-mate (Dirk) and I walked out in the middle of a shift. We wrote a note that read "We quit, wakka wakka wakka" and filled the safe up with Yoohoo caps. We left Dominico, a fat Italian kid with huge tits, alone with about ten cars in the drive thru.
o WESTERN UNION (Sep 97-July 98)
Worked as an operator at the Western Union National Call center in St. Louis. To get hired, Dirk and I had to pass a typing test (at least 40 wpm) and a spelling test. I got 39 wpm, but they let me in anyway. Dirk copied off me on the spelling portion. While working at the call center I honed various skills, such as transfering people to operators who spoke only spanish, connecting the guy behind me to the guy in front of me, and walking around looking busy (a skill that I've used in every job since). Dirk and I were like one employee at Western Union. We worked the exact same schedule. We called in sick together. We went to the cafeteria together. We got escorted out by security together.
o WALDENBOOKS (July 98-Aug 99)
Dirk decided to take a lengthy hiatus from the rat race, so we parted ways (as far as employment went). I headed to the mall, alone and afraid, and found a quaint bookstore to work in. I hate retail. I spent my time at Waldenbooks flirting with mallrat girls while they came in to buy the latest Anne Rice garbage. They never laughed at my jokes--because they were too stupid to get them, or lesbians. Often I read in the back room while I was supposed to be unloading boxes. I made up for a lot of the education I missed working at Jack in the Box during highschool. Unfortunately, I worked so much at the bookstore that I never went to my college classes. Waldenbooks was the first job I actually turned in my two weeks at. In fact, I'm eligible for rehire to this very day.
o VITAMIN WORLD (July 99-November 99)
The art of fraud, waste, and abuse. Vitamin World is a shitty version of GNC. Guys twice my size would come in and I'd tell them how to get HUGE. Stoners came in and I sold them shit that would make them pass a piss test. Old people came in for vitamins, but I refused to help them. My boss, a woman over 40 named Diane, wanted to have sex with me. She pinched my ass a lot. But whenever she wasn't around, I did a lot of fake returns and pocketed an awful lot of cash. I also gave out boxes upon boxes of Myoplex Deluxe to my friends. At this point, I wasn't going to class anymore, at all.
o THE UNITED STATES ARMY (January 00-present)
Here I learned how to be an alcoholic, a racist, and an asshole. I physically fight with my subordinates, peers, and supervisors on a regular basis. I have become the master of dodging responsibility. I can drink quite a bit and can even puke on command with little effort. Every girl I know is a slut. Every white guy I know is a redneck. Every black guy I know is a gangsta. And every mexican I know is. . . well. . . a mexican. I lose brain cells at an alarming rate every day. The only real thing I've learned in almost four years is how to iron my shirt.
Things are gonna change, I can feel it.
User Reviews
Submitted by homer42 (user info) at 2007-01-25 13:35:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
pretty good
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2004-11-07 23:23:59 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
best resume evar
Submitted by Dead_0hi0_Sky (user info) at 2004-04-14 19:01:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
jack in the box, food of the gods.
Submitted by BLITZKREIG_BOB (user info) at 2004-04-03 01:53:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
You forgot to add about learning to bounce a quarter off of a firmly stretched, made bunk-bed in the last job.
Been there, done that; you are right as rain (or, as wrong as two boys fucking in the woods, to quote my former drill instructor).
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2004-01-30 15:34:09 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-12-06 21:55:30 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
I vote Drink for President
Submitted by Ingsoc (user info) at 2003-12-06 21:44:27 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
This is art!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-07-31 14:53:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
dude I worked at Jack in the Box too...I smelled like shit everyday and now I can't even think about eating a Jumbo Jack.
Submitted by Fleury75 (user info) at 2003-07-28 19:17:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good shit dude thanx for the read
Submitted by Valacosa (user info) at 2003-07-24 18:49:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome read...
Submitted by AprilMS (user info) at 2003-07-24 14:31:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+++++2 - this shit has had me laughing all day.
Submitted by athena <athenacaldwell.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-07-23 12:22:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
SUPER FUNNY GUY
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2003-07-23 04:42:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
yes, have you ever typed a complete sentence without a typo?
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-07-22 22:44:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
or that awesome college theme paper, even though i'm an unoriginal bastard and stole it from somewhere else.
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-07-22 22:42:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
man, i never get a boredatwork post.
screw you bart.
(i nominate the vortex of evil, but it will never happen)
Submitted by yes at 2003-07-22 22:29:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
ddt... a looser is similar to a loser, but the have an extra oh.
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2003-07-22 22:20:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by LUXE <Lemmebang.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-07-22 13:55:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny Stuff! Great Post..
Waaka Wakka...that's classic..
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-07-22 09:11:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Bart agreed with me! This has been posted on boredatwork.com. Congrats.
Submitted by squattail (user info) at 2003-07-22 03:56:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You've been fucked in the ass by a lot more than two men, you flaming, mincy faggot.
Submitted by Rediculo (user info) at 2003-07-21 20:53:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
ddt=best ubersite poster
Submitted by Lisa (user info) at 2003-07-21 14:37:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Aw, David ruined your string of +2's.
Good show. Except for the racism.
Submitted by DavidAdventurer (user info) at 2003-07-21 09:28:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
My CV sounds better, but it's not.
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-07-21 06:06:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny shit! Your resume is still better than mine.
Submitted by Otter (user info) at 2003-07-21 05:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You're a daffy bastard, you know that?
So, Timbo, what became of Dirk?
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-07-19 00:21:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lmfao, this was classic and will go down as one of my best reads yet! Hilarious!
Queen
Submitted by Flapjacksupreme (user info) at 2003-07-18 23:59:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ha, damn fine read.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2003-07-18 22:50:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hey yes,
Even with an impressive resume like this, I can still spell "loser" correctly.
What's a looser, someone with a gaping butthole?
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-07-18 15:52:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I laughed so hard that I pooped my pants, then everyone in my office laughed until they pooped their pants. Now my office smells like shit but atleast we are having one giant laugh fest. :-)
Peace,
STREETPUNK
Submitted by K420 (user info) at 2003-07-18 15:27:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Still Laughing...
Submitted by K420 (user info) at 2003-07-18 15:26:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"We wrote a note that read "We quit, wakka wakka wakka" and filled the safe up with Yoohoo caps"
That is some funny ass shit, DDT. I laughed out loud...HA!
Submitted by yes at 2003-07-18 14:46:49 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
you're not that big of a looser... at least you... uh... nevermind.
Submitted by AngelGoddess (user info) at 2003-07-18 14:36:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Finally! Someone with a worse resume than me right now. I laughed reading the whole thing though.
How many more days you have left in the Army? You haven't updated us for a while.
Submitted by Can_Always_Trust_A_Liar (user info) at 2003-07-18 13:37:45 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for saying wakka wakka wakka
Submitted by settle (user info) at 2003-07-18 13:33:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"U. S. has a tiny penis, that's why he overcompensates by bombing other countries all the time."
that was hilarious.
Submitted by settle (user info) at 2003-07-18 13:28:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2003-07-18 12:04:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Actually, he prefers to be called "Big Daddy Jack".
U. S. has a tiny penis, that's why he overcompensates by bombing other countries all the time.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-07-18 12:01:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2003-07-18 11:57:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Funny stuff.
Just curious, because I know everyone else is wondering, who's bigger, Uncle Jack or Uncle Sam?
Submitted by tartpumper (user info) at 2003-07-18 11:53:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Drink you are one funny fucker
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2003-07-18 11:42:05 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I will send my underwear to cheer you up.
Submitted by Thanatos (user info) at 2003-07-18 11:28:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Quality
Submitted by qmakowski (user info) at 2003-07-18 11:14:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i wanna give you a +4 for this one, but a +2 is good
Submitted by DJMattB241 (user info) at 2003-07-18 11:10:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
congrads on holding the +2 for a steamy 8 reviews now!
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-07-18 11:08:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
good one Drink - ok I'll make you some brownies
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-07-18 10:48:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
One of your best, Tim.
This should be posted on Bored at Work.
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-07-18 10:40:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
very funny
Submitted by DavidAdventurer (user info) at 2003-07-18 10:37:29 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hehehehehe
Submitted by jeetkunetony <psyqo87.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-07-18 10:32:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
mooohaha.
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-07-18 10:28:06 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
THAT my friend, is fucking quality.
Laughed my not inconsiderable man tits off.
Submitted by ronnockeem (user info) at 2003-07-18 10:27:53 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-07-18 10:23:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+2 for changing to "Stiff, Juicey Cock"
We're hiring fluffers.