Uber Pulp: The Case of The Low Sodium Monkey - Chapter 5 (1169 hits)
Category: NoneLabels: UberPulp
Rating: 1.75 on 42 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Razor <Jeremy_21117.at.hotmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-10-08 13:56:23 EDT
Chapter 1: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1062702524190111288
Chapter 2: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106279150872631075
Chapter 3: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106331690370703821
Chapter 4: http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1065471797788624932
A short time later, we arrived at the front door of Loki's Pleasure Palace. I already had my trademark cool back. In my business you have to learn to roll with the punches, or the occasional instance when your seemingly helpless client singlehandedly disembowls an entire gang of violent teenagers in a dark alley.
I knocked on the large steel front door three times. A few moments later, a slit opened and a pair of narrowed brown eyes stared me down.
"What's the password?" a gruff male voice asked.
"It's Razor, let me in. I'm not saying your damn password."
"Hold on."
The slit closed, and after a minute, reopened. A new pair of brown eyes were looking at me. I knew those eyes. I knew that twinkle.
"Password?" inquired the voice sweetly. Too sweetly.
"Loki, you know it's me. Let me in please, I'm in no mood to play games."
"I'm sorry, I just can't take that kind of risk," rejoined the voice. "For all I know, you could be wearing a mask!" From behind the door, I heard the distinct sound of a malicious giggle.
"I'm not saying it Loki, let me in!"
"Ohhh me no speaka English! Can't understand!"
I sighed. Nobody pushes an advantage like a dame who knows she has you in a hard spot.
"Fine... but this is the last time."
"Say it like you mean it!" the voice said sweetly.
"The Grateful Dead r0x0rs my b0x0rs."
The door swung open, and there stood Loki with a smile large enough to almost make me forget the trouble we were in. The wind swirled through the door and into the warm hallway. We stepped inside and Loki shut the door behind us. The foyer to Loki's place was decorated garishly in red velvet with golden lettering.
"Bringing me a new customer, Razor? I've got plenty of ladies available for both of you. You might be interested in the flavor of the week. Her name is Kristy Swan. Nice J-Lo ass and not afraid to stick it in your face."
"I'm here on business Loki."
"My business IS pleasure Razor, you know that. Why don't you and your friend step into my office?"
We stepped into Loki's office. It felt like home. Couches were comfortably arranged around a table with a built in eight man hookah. The decorations were psychedelic. Pillows were everywhere. A couple of naked guys were lying passed out on the couches, and one of them was even hanging upside down from a swing. Loren gasped.
"Your buddy a prude?" Loki inquired. "What's he doing here then? And why's he wearing your coat and hat?"
"Why don't you get rid of your playthings and then we can talk?" I said.
Loki walked around and smacked her boy toys awake. She sent them scurrying off and turned back to us.
"So... what's going on?"
I turned to Loren. "Take my clothing off."
She did, and Loki gasped. "Jesus Razor, this isn't a hospital. What the fuck do you expect me to do?"
"Loki, that's not her blood. She just singlehandedly demolished Chipolatte's entire gang."
Loki looked at Loren appraisingly. "Those were some of my best customers. We'll have to spar sometime. Why were they after you?"
"Hold that thought Loki. She needs a shower and a fresh set of clothes."
Loki nodded and walked over to her desk. She pressed a button and spoke into a speaker.
"Glam Daddy! I need you to bring me a fresh set of clothes for a size four, 34C bra, some makeup, and a towel. Nothing slutty, something nondescript. And bring up some bud while you're at it. None of that shit weed you smoke either, grab me some from my personal stash."
I smiled. Glam Daddy was Loki's partner, although you'd never know it from the way they talked to each other. His bud wasn't half bad either.
Moments later, a side door in Loki's office opened and Glam walked in. He took one look at Loren and whistled appreciatively.
Loren looked at me uncertainly. I nodded and said "They'll take care of you, don't worry. Glam, she needs a shower WITHOUT a view if you know what I mean."
"Aww, come on then," said Glam. "We're obviously doing you a favor, the least you could do is scratch our back while we're..."
"Tell you what Glam. If you want Bart Cilfone to give you a lead enema, you can do whatever you want. But if you have half an ounce of common sense, you'll keep her hidden. And if you have half an ounce of bud, I'll take it off your hands."
"You got a lot o' nerve comin' in here and orderin' me around in my own place, gumshoe." Glam responded.
I looked at him and rolled my eyes. "Tell you what, you want to play it hard and I'll drive straight over to your mother's house and tell her you're not actually a CPA."
Glam stared me down for a minute, and then smiled. "You're lucky we grew up together." He gathered Loren up and ushered her out of the room.
I turned back to Loki. It was time to take care of business.
She was a step ahead of me. She already had the bud broken up and handed me a tube from the hookah.
User Reviews
Submitted by jagmcmanus (user info) at 2005-12-21 05:32:06 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
No Comment
Submitted by Ainkara (user info) at 2003-12-09 01:39:36 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice... :) I don't come on here much any more, but I come back for this.
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-10-17 13:31:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
!!! I can't believe I almost missed this one. Where was I? Oh... yeah, pnuemonia does get in the way of things from time to time.
BTW - size 3 buddy.
Razor, can we all sit in a circle in AC and you tell us stories?
Submitted by LadyPlural (user info) at 2003-10-15 00:41:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
highly amusing. do i get to be a mad scientist? or a total loser/geek? or just an extra arm. no. i didnt think so. ok.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1066191583923528346
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-10-12 20:16:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Lost a step in the humor, but I'm sure you'll pick it up on the next chapter. If you're rushing to get these out, you shouldn't. The wait is worth the read.
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-10 14:29:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1065799180546027866#209267
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-10-09 19:07:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Is Glam Daddy a CPA as well?
Blimey.
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-09 14:22:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1065723304257532069
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-10-09 10:08:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keep it up, buddy.
Submitted by jeetkunetony (user info) at 2003-10-08 22:47:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Another good chapter Razor....Can I be in it sometime? If it's not too much work...It could involve something martial arts-esque. I don't know...hmm.
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-10-08 22:32:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
An Uber-transition chapter.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-10-08 21:43:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Razor and loki ended this chapter with the hookah.
Why do I feel like it's going to be a long time until chapter 6?
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-10-08 21:31:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i just read the installments again, from the begining.
this is definitely the series that kicks all ass.
give us more razor, give us more!
Submitted by Beer_bong (user info) at 2003-10-08 19:05:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by PWNstar (user info) at 2003-10-08 18:44:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
freakin awesome, I definately will have to post more here to deserve to be put in such an awesome story. my only good posts however are limited to "I am the tag master" and "dave thomas: a god among men". although, those do sound just silly enough to be put in. No matter if I'm put in or not, reading them is pleasure enough
keep it up as we're all hanging onto our seats waiting for the next one (no pressure or anything)
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2003-10-08 18:04:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Never read number 4, but ok, here's your +2. The hits mean more than the ratings anyway. Just by me clicking this is going to get it on the most recently viewed, I'm sure you realise. But here, have a +2 if you must.
Submitted by Yes at 2003-10-08 17:27:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I think I would fit right in, in the palace....
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-10-08 17:00:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Superb!
*looks at his shoes* errrmm... *blushes*...errm, um, erm... *stutters like hugh grant**.....
Can I be in it?
*leaves room and wets himself*
Submitted by Bigmike (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:26:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yeah Razor. You always leave me wanting to read more.
I know the only reason Kristy gets in before a bunch of us is that you are at Loki's. Seems reasonable.
Write On dude.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:07:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Fuckin' A random joe, whoever you are. you just gave me a bloody fucking brilliant idea. Who are you so I can credit you?
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-10-08 15:05:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Start killin random joes like stormtroopers or the dudes wearin the red shirts in star trek tos
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-08 15:02:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Apathesia... no, not really.
lowsodiummonkey wrote a post in which he made up some titles of posts he would like to see.
One of them was "I puntured a testicle" or something like it.
I was trying to write that post, and suddenly I had a detective story on my hands that was getting rather long. So I decided to release it in serial, and to give credit for the inspiration, I named it after the person who made me think of it and the quest for the monkey will be a large part of the plot.
Submitted by Quartermain (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:57:21 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I wouldn't mind seeing myself written in either. Something bad-ass would be nice, to make up for my utter lack of it in real life.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Tuesday, if you're gonna advertise on my fuckin post, at least have the grace to give me a +2. Especially since I plugged your shit in chapter 4.
Submitted by xLisaCatx (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:46:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I just read chapter 2-5 and I love it.
Keep it up!
Submitted by Apathesia (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:28:17 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ya know, I really didnt want to read this, but now you got me hooked. Very well written, by the way. You into this genre?
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:24:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
awesome.
could you work me in? Should be easy.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1064132879148118020
Submitted by ScoutCJustice (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:23:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by reallybored (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:17:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You might be interested in the flavor of the week. Her name is Kristy Swan. Nice J-Lo ass and not afraid to stick it in your face."
----------------------------------------------------
HAHAH!
I better be in this shit. And when I say I , I mean me, not my ass. <grumble>
Submitted by tuesdaydelay (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:17:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Chapter fucking FIVE? Holy shit.
Hit-whore sees his chance.
http://www.tuesday.tk
Submitted by streetpunk (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:12:46 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This is great Razor. I get more and more excited everytime I see one of these on the main page.
Submitted by Titinita (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:08:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
>^-^<
Can Tina have a part in it, even if it's really small?
Submitted by JMG114 (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:03:07 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This should be illustrated in the final bound edition.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This shit could all happen too.
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:01:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hadooken, chill. I am seriously not even 10% of the way into this story, it's going to be very long and I am going to get every single person I can in.
If anyone wants to make sure that they get in, respond and let me know. I will do my best.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:01:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
And the plot thickens....
Submitted by Hadooken (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:00:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Kristyswan gets in the story before me. Are you kidding me????
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-10-08 14:00:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Fucking goddamnit it. I couldn't tell from the picture.
Submitted by BillsSBChamps (user info) at 2003-10-08 13:59:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Keeps getting better and better, can't wait for the next part.
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-08 13:59:12 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn that fucking monkey
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-10-08 13:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I have blue eyes.
did I beat monkey to this?
Submitted by lowsodiummonkey (user info) at 2003-10-08 13:58:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
:)