SOSOGAY Part I: The History (1415 hits)
Category: NoneRating: 0.53 on 16 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <gbusman.at.aol.com> (View user info) at 2003-07-23 11:45:59 EDT
When replying to a recent post,
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1058804673902317309#101397
I suddenly had an epiphany. My mind quieted, my eyes relaxed, and knowledge from sources unknown began pouring into my brain. I saw places I've never been. I met people I've never seen. It was as if human history was being played out before me. Hours turned into days, days to months, and months to years. When I finally opened my eyes, only a second had passed, and here I was, staring at Ubersite. I knew that I had been given a gift, though I liken it more to a curse. I was given knowledge of the fate of humanity, and the outlook is bleak indeed. It is now my mission to spread the word of what I have witnessed, in the hopes of preventing such a terrible fate from ever occurring. Now I present to you, Uberreader, the truth...
Scientists throughout history have often pondered over what causes homosexuality. Psychologists, philosophers, and doctors have all posed theories, all of which have fallen short. Even physicists have speculated about cosmic radiation causing gene mutations. But the key to homosexuality is not found in the mind or the genes. Nor is it a bacteria, virus, or germ. The cause of homosexuality, what I referred to in my previous post reply as "Gay," is in fact a nickname for an infectious yeast known as:
SOSOGAY (Sex-On-Sex Organized Gene Altering Yeast)
SOSOGAY, or Gay, is a byproduct of the fermentation of soy based products. Any form of processed soy (soy milk, soy bean, and their derivatives,) contains trace amounts of Gay. While it was long believed that homosexuality caused a person to be vegetarian (vegan, hippie... etc;) in fact the reverse is true. Vegetarian diets including large amounts of soy food actually cause a person to be homosexual.
SOSOGAY alters human genes at the core of the DNA strand. Information pertaining to sexual development is copied by the yeast onto the code for sexual attraction, thus causing the victim to become attracted to the same sex. However, the yeast quickly dies once inside the human body, so minimal exposure to Gay will not turn a person homosexual. People with limited exposure have been found to possess Gay hands, or Gay asses, having not consumed enough Gay to turn completely homosexual.
Gay does have a few positive side effects, however. These include a discriminating artistic consciousness, heightened emotional awareness, and increased locomotive coordination, necessary for dancing. Note that these effects occur only in males; in females the opposite effects take place.
The following timeline shows historically how soy products and Gay have been intertwined through the ages:
2800 BC - Soy becomes the first widely cultivated crop by mankind. It is dubbed by the ancient Chinese as one of the 5 essential grains for survival. The Chinese begin one of the most ancient forms of theater, Kabuki, in which men dress in drag wearing makeup and dresses.
2500 BC - Seeds from the soy plant are brought to the purest and holiest cities of the Earth: Sodom and Gomorrah.
2499 BC - Sodom and Gomorrah are no longer the purest and holiest cities on the Earth. The term "Sodomy" is coined and put into common use. God's messengers tell Lot's wife about the evils of soy just before evacuating the city. Unfortunately, she was turned to salt and the message was lost.
1500 BC - The first ancient Greek civilizations are settled around a plentiful natural food source, soy fields. This starts the most openly homosexual civilization in human history prior to the 21st century. Favorite pastimes of the Greeks include lying in grassy knolls feeding each other grapes, and carving statues of completely nude male athletes.
1400 BC - On his way down the mountain, Moses drops and breaks the third tablet containing the 11th commandment: "Thou shall not eat soy." Checking to see that no one is looking, he proceeds as if nothing happened.
600 BC - Roman civilization is introduced to soy. All men refusing to eat soy products are forced to wear scantly clad clothing and compete in brutal battles to the death in front of thousands of screaming fans. Being untainted by the soy, gladiator sweat becomes a highly sought after aphrodisiac by Roman women (and men.) Roman population is sustained solely through the aid of this substance, and through cheating wives sneaking down to visit Maximus, the legendary cherry-popping, soy-denouncing badass.
32 AD - Jesus warns his disciples of the evils of soy fermentation. Having never heard of soy, they incorrectly assume he is talking about fermenting wine and fail to record the word "soy." Humanity's last hope of divine intervention is lost.
1400 AD - Sea travelers rediscover soy for western civilization while on expeditions to foreign lands. Barrels of the substance would ferment in the bowels of the ship, thus contaminating a ships food supply, originating the term, "Gay as a pirate."
1450 AD - The French grow soy for the fist time; it has been a staple of their diet ever since.
1690 AD - Soy is introduced to North America and grown in New England. Common early uses include the growing trend of corner faux coffee shops.
1692 AD - Homosexuals are used to start fires for witch burnings, originating the term "faggot", from the English word meaning kindling. Faux coffee customers mysteriously disappear, and the shops soon go out of business.
1930 AD - Soy, being a cheap and nutritious food source, is integrated into all prison cafeterias thanks to budget cuts from the stock market crash. New Fish across the country cringe and cry for mommy.
1958 AD - Boys Market supermarket chain becomes the first store in North America to sell tofu. Males fresh from World War II are far too manly to be affected. Contamination is most evident in the "baby boomer" generation.
1965 AD - Prosobee, the first soy protein isolate infant formula is sold in America as a substitute for breast feeding. Prior to the widespread use of this supplement, homosexuals claimed to "discover" that they preferred the same sex. Henceforth, it will be publicly asserted that they are "born that way," furthering the myth that Gay is inherited genetically.
1978 AD - GLAD (Gay & Lesbian Advocates & Defenders) is founded. NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) is also founded. Fewer people feel the need to repress the effects of SOSOGAY.
1998 AD - Boca Burger, the first mass produced soy product that almost tastes like beef, is founded. Homosexuals rejoice.
2003 - McDonald's announces the release of its own soy burger. 30,000 restaurants in 118 countries serving 46 million customers per day are instantly exposed so SOSOGAY. Humanity begins to tumble down the slippery slope of its own demise.
This is what we already know. Soon to come, the prophetic vision: "SOSOGAY Part II: The End Times."
-Bus
User Reviews
Submitted by JinkyWilliams (user info) at 2003-08-18 14:15:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
+5 (if I could)
By far, the most entertaining 10 (or so) minutes I've spent today. I've also read your second part. I had respect for you when I read some of your replies, but I have found much more respect for your literary prowess and intelligence in general.
Thanks for gracing us with these two entertaining and thought-provoking posts.
--Jinky
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-08-18 11:46:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I thought it was entertaining. If you can't laugh when certain subjects are brought up, I think yo uhave other issues. I laugh at dumb blond jokes and do my fair share of women bashing. If all of my kids were gay, I wouldn't have any problems with it except for the fact that I would want gradkids to spoil. Hopefully, they would still want to have kids.
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2003-08-18 06:08:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
The saga continues.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1061201251113721593
-Bus
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2003-07-24 01:51:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I can see this has created a lot of confusion. I understand that it may be difficult to comprehend what the point of this post is exactly. Realize that nothing in this post is the point. This is only Part I, the entire story is too big for one post. The purpose of this article is only to provide background reference for Part II. Part II is where the real story is.
Hairsphincter, I'm sorry you didn't read this or try to comprehend it, or you would realize that it is not about hate. There is not a single phrase of hate or harassment in this entire article. This article simply deals with the cause of homosexuality. It does not pass judgement, provoke, or discriminate. I have only provided statements and evidence to support my claim.
This post is merely to make you think. Don't try to pass judgement on me just yet. I promise in the second half, you will know exactly what my motives are.
-Bus
Submitted by Hairsphincter (user info) at 2003-07-23 20:25:34 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I decided to live like you, I hate this without reading or even trying to comprehend it.
Hate.
Shit, it's easier being you... and funner.
Submitted by gbusman (user info) at 2003-07-23 14:18:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I did not say it would be easy. I only said it would be the truth.
-Bus
Submitted by chicagogirl (user info) at 2003-07-23 14:15:42 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-07-23 14:04:09 (#)
Ranking: 0
so not fuckin funny... WHY DO THIS.. why waste your time and my 5 seconds..
I wish it only took me 5 seconds...GIVE ME MY 2 mins. BACK!
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-07-23 14:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
so not fuckin funny... WHY DO THIS.. why waste your time and my 5 seconds..
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-07-23 13:00:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Did I miss something? This is simply just not funny. I'm trying to laugh... hell, even crack a smile... I'm searching for humor. I *want* to laugh. But it's not at all funny.
Submitted by acrog (user info) at 2003-07-23 12:55:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
damn, that's funny
good job
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-07-23 12:54:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
By the way, I will acknowledge that I smiled a couple of times while reading this.
You have the potential to be very, very funny.
Pick a better topic next time.
Submitted by EnchantorTim (user info) at 2003-07-23 12:12:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I am now a completed person, thank you
Submitted by HotMaleDotTom (user info) at 2003-07-23 11:56:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
i won't flood this with +2's ill just say i wish i could post a +(infinite sign)
yes, so true and yet so gay
Submitted by earth_collapse (user info) at 2003-07-23 11:55:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by apollo88 (user info) at 2003-07-23 11:50:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent!!
man i am in a good mood considering my hangover!!
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-07-23 11:50:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
You are homosexual. Stop fighting it.