Alcohol Needs to be Banned (624 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 0.2 on 38 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fritolay <thefritolay.at.burntmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-07-25 16:52:26 EDT
I don't care if you think it's great, if it gets you high and happy, if it helps you escape your sad and worthless lifestyle or if it takes away your misery when you get jilted. After reading lots of posts on Uber I think I owe this public service message to all you damn boozehounds: DON'T DRINK BOOZE.
I met the hottest fucking chick I'd ever met in my life at a bar with some friends (she was a friend's friend), brunette, tits that I reckon were a definite D cup, or at least a very, very large 35C, an ass that was curved like a fucking telescope lens and legs like you see on an athletic camel. Man was she hot.
Thank God I hooked up with her.
I fed her some booze, downed at least a good 5 drinks myself, we ditched our pals, went home in my car, I felt her up good, we fooled around before reaching and I didn't puke at all. I was proud of myself. I thought, as I stumbled up the stairs with her, grabbing all the ass I could while she giggled, I have the alcoholic tolerance of a rhinoceros.
When we reached my flat she literally dropped to her knees for me, man... and then... well, then nothing, because my bit was the size of a peanut and about as appealing as a shrivelled prune.
She left in about 5 minutes.
This is a true story. It will happen to you someday. DON'T FUCKING DRINK. Please.
User Reviews
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-07-27 17:39:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
""Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-07-27 16:56:22 (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah I fell off the wagon *mate*, last night (rather this AM around 8) because the xanax (like valium) just wasn't doing it for me. This girl sucked on my cock for like 30 mins and couldn't get it hard. But that was the sedatives I think.""
painkillers/sedatives will do that to ya. i remember one time i took 2 vicodin and had a couple beers (on top of smoking weed all night) i could get it up but just couldn't come. not even after like 4 hours! (i'm very dedicated to my work)
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-07-27 17:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"She might as well have been jacking off a hotdog that I had tied to my groin"
That shit made me laugh aloud.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-07-27 16:58:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Something similar happened to me once. I was throwing a party at my house and I got ridiculously drunk and high. I was also playing grab-ass with this one girl that was all over me. She must have been in love with me or something because she wasn't very slutty, yet I could have had her any time I wanted. Anyway, I finally take her to bed with me at about 4 in the morning and I'm still drunk as hell. After some more touchy-feely junk we get down to business. I whipped it out and she grabbed it and started to get me up. But something was wrong... terribly wrong. I was getting almost no feeling out of it and I certainly wasn't popping a boner. She might as well have been jacking off a hotdog that I had tied to my groin. I almost started to panic since it had never happened before, but then I realized that I had to piss out about a gallon of fluid. I went to the bathroom, pissed for about 3 minutes straight, problem solved. It was awkward as hell going to the bathroom all of a sudden, but better than standing around like a limp-dick dumbass.
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-07-27 16:56:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Yeah I fell off the wagon *mate*, last night (rather this AM around 8) because the xanax (like valium) just wasn't doing it for me. This girl sucked on my cock for like 30 mins and couldn't get it hard. But that was the sedatives I think.
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-07-27 16:31:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
it wasn't the alcohol pal, i drank an entire 18 pack of beer one night and still banged the shit outta the chick upstairs.
Submitted by shark25 (user info) at 2003-07-27 16:18:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Christ you suck! Drinking should be banned because you have a low tolerance and cant get your jimmy up to fuck some skank you met in a bar. BOO FUCKIN HOO!!! Don't ever post again, what you just posted dropped my I.Q. Consider yourself lucky, maybe the booze saved you from getting herpes from that hooker.
You are a miserable bleeding open sore on this site.
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2003-07-26 10:21:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
if we rotated the pic 90 degress right , it would be even more illustrative...
still , -2 for no real interrest in the matter . And youre still an ass !
Submitted by messmind (user info) at 2003-07-26 10:19:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
again , im so impressed by the writers inspiration to write this piece .
truly something worthwile to save for our next generations to come ...
that you are sexualy deficient 'cause drinking takes the minimal conciousness
away from you degenerated brain .... You not even a loser , 'cause you don't
start in the game at all . Even wanking is better than this ... Yuk ! Have a sex-change
and a drinking problem .... They match perfectly ... Damn , got pissed again...
Submitted by heatherm (user info) at 2003-07-26 09:26:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
damnit.. I read michaelhunts reply wrong. Too bad you still suck.
Submitted by heatherm (user info) at 2003-07-26 09:23:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
michaelhunt, I love your argument about hot girls being dumb .. blah blah bullshit
blah blah, more bullshit, but didn't you post this, also? http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=1059169529761827631
You suck.
as for this post...just b/c you can't get your peanut sized dick to get hard
(which, btw, doesn't sound like it would be very pleasing hard, anyway) doesn't mean
you have to ruin the fun for everyone. Maybe you should have titled this post
"MY SMALL COCK AND THE INCIDENT WITH ALCOHOL"
Good Day.
Submitted by PeopleAreStrange (user info) at 2003-07-26 09:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
If you hadn't fed her some booze she wouldn't have gone home with you in the first place. At least you got some grab-ass.
As for the unrobing ceremony...AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAA HAA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
Submitted by Rokinroj (user info) at 2003-07-25 21:47:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
"They don't come in 35-anything, jackass. "
You rock Nonan!
I was going to say that too but you beat me to it!
Submitted by Noonan (user info) at 2003-07-25 21:24:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
So, you're hung like a fruit fly, AND have no idea how breasts are measured. They don't come in 35-anything, jackass.
Submitted by MickGinny (user info) at 2003-07-25 18:58:22 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
sorry bout your tiny pee pee
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-07-25 18:51:47 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"because my bit was the size of a peanut and about as appealing as a shrivelled prune."
damn... never happened to me, but shit... even when i'm flacid, it's ALOT bigger than the size of a PEANUT...
Submitted by michaelahunt at 2003-07-25 18:48:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I'm better then u will ever get. U can't even get a good girl. Any retard can get a SLUT.
Submitted by glam_daddy (user info) at 2003-07-25 18:30:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"an ass that was curved like a fucking telescope lens and legs like you see on an athletic camel."
was that supposed to sound appealing?
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:44:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
nice pic by the way..
Submitted by IndianOcean (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:42:58 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that must suck.. so much.. i had that happened sort of.. once.. not pretty.. problem is i can't cum for a long time when i am drunk.. so i end up jackin off in front of her... and she going like ohhh ohhhh...
it was bit gay..
Submitted by Fritolay (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:42:48 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Oh, fuck. What a badly chosen point for a typo.
I meant "that's not even grammaticalLY correct, you dweeb."
My bad.
Submitted by Fritolay (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:41:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Michaelacunt, you do know you posted this - http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=105448137475508347 - right?
Let's motherfucking paraphrase:
"Secondly, before you conclude that this is a peace of shit and really is a waste of your time, you have to admit that this whole website is a piece of scum jammed in my anal cavity. I have named this particular article ADD, because this is why I detest this site."
Let the record show that, after complaining that Uber is a "peace" (sic) of shit blah blah blah, you proceeded to post up here on a regular basis with your nimrod posts.
Then let's consider this - http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=103833878571238171 - "The Best of Mike Cunt". Do you know what your reply was? "Just because I'm crap at spelling, doesn't mean I'm bad at english. I came 5th in Advanced English. There are many other things that make up english then just spelling."
There are many other things that make up english then just spelling?? HAHAHAHA! That's not even grammatical correct, you dweeb.
I'm not just picking on you because of what you said on this post; these random -2s you give me, sometimes without a comment as in when you ruined a perfect 2 post of mine for no apparent reason, reveals a bit of a pattern.
Nice going, fuckface. Why don't you complete this little saying, since you're such a genius -
"People in glass houses..."
Submitted by beer-turtle (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:36:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
I think I have had whiskey dick once....
and mainly because I was not even concious, I got yelled at the next day by some chick that had partied with us that I was a limp dick bad lay...I asked her what the hell she was talking about and she tried to tell me that she jumped me, rather tried to. According to some of my buddies who were watching her futile attemps, I was drooling on the floor and grunted when she was pulling my pants down. Apparently there are chicks out there so despartate for dick they will try and do an unconsious guy.
Oh well. Her loss.
Boned her best friend at the next party though, who thankfully countered all the bullshit she was spreading.
-Turtle
Submitted by michaelahunt (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:33:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
I fucking hate guys like you. Just because i girl has big tits, doesn't mean she hot, you fucker, hot chicks have nice faces. Research has proved that a guy more inclined to pick a beautiful body over a face have less intelligance then those who are opposite. I'm so sick of guys who tell the hooking up with hot chicks when there drunk. PEOPLE appear up tp 75% more attractive when u are DRUNK YOU FUCK WIT.
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:29:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That's ok, it happens to a lot of guys.
Never me, but I'm sure it happens to somebody.
Submitted by ColonBowell (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:25:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Colon Bowell, Secretary of Prostate, would love to get an examination.
And by examination, I mean fisty rubber-gloved action!!!
Submitted by Nosferatu (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:18:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
youd love gay sex wouldnt you colon bowell
Submitted by ColonBowell (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:17:36 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Why don't you post about gay sex? That'd be very interesting... yawn... sleep...........
Submitted by Razor (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:17:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, that sucks.
Submitted by Murphy1844 (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:14:27 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Can you guys talk about anything other than sex?
Submitted by lucid (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:08:31 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Poor bastard. You shoulda took the long, long, long way home.
Submitted by ColonBowell (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:05:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Man, I feel sorry for you...
Submitted by Phinch (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:04:26 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
AHAHAHAHAHAAA
that sucks!
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:03:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Haha.
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2003-07-25 17:02:44 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
that makes more sense.
Submitted by jake_plummer (user info) at 2003-07-25 16:57:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
-lmao
Submitted by Fritolay (user info) at 2003-07-25 16:57:39 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
My bad, speeddaimon. It was 5 pretty hard drinks as well as a lot of shots (I lost count but I remember at least 4 tequila shots and maybe 4 of vodka or something else.)
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2003-07-25 16:55:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
Maybe, just maybe if you knew your limits and stayed under them (can be read drink responsibly) this type of thing wouldn't happen. Also, as I know Shark25 would back me up on this. 5 drinks is nothing. Unless you're drinking full lowball glasses of straight liquor, 5 ain't shit. Butch up Sally, and try a viagra cocktail.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-07-25 16:54:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahaha...