Customer Satisfaction (442 hits)
Category: GeneralRating: 1.33 on 10 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by Fritolay <thefritolay.at.burntmail.com> (View user info) at 2003-07-26 10:59:51 EDT
FOREWORD
People sometimes ask why I do a lot of my writing in the first person.
I think they are worried.
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I work for a meat and delicatessen. I'm on my day off and get a call. Can I come in? The head butcher is down with flu and there's a queue a mile long.
I arrive like a knight in shining armour. A cheer goes up from the crowd at the serve over.
"Good audience today."
"Right, Mrs. O Neil. What can I do for you? Ham boned and rolled. No problem."
I begin to cut. Damn! The knife is blunt. I look up at the expectant faces. No time, it will do for now.
As I work I exchange a few jokes with my audience. They laugh.
"Nice friendly crowd."
I hack my way through the ham, remove the bone, tie it and deliver it to a beaming Mrs. O Neil.
I love making customers happy.
"Right, who's next"?
I look along the counter. Some slightly impatient faces there.
Audience getting tougher? Maybe?
Mrs. O Shea I think. Get rid of potential hecklers first.
"Goddamn knife."
I'm going to have to sharpen it soon, later though, got to get that queue down first.
Still joking but not getting as many laughs. People, glancing at watches, feet tapping impatiently.
"There you go Mrs.O Shea, have a nice day."
"You too."
"Who's next?"
Me! Me! Me! Me! they seem to say. Crowd's getting very impatient.
Can't these morons see I'm doing my best.
Got to get that queue down or they will start giving me a hard time soon.
"Mrs. Brennan, lets be having you."
A few more jokes, no laughs.
"Sod them. Bunch of wankers."
Third customer and still haven't sharpened the knife. I'll do it next one definitely.
I work in silence.
Fourth customer. Mrs. O Donnell.
Mumblings of discontent from the audience.
Fifth Customer.
This knife is getting worse.
Someone shouts, "get a move on!"
I'm starting to get really pissed off now.
The first rule of butchery I was taught was that the most dangerous knife is a blunt one.
"Damn that's a tough bit."
"OH SHIT!"
First rule of butchery proven in spectacular fashion.
I look up at the queue. I expect someone to help, call an ambulance, something, anything! . Had anyone actually seen what had happened? They must have?
I pull the knife out. I look up at the crowd. Still no reaction.
Were they that wrapped up in their own little insignificant lives that they could totally ignore the fact that someone was about to bleed to death in front of them? I look at the smear of blood on the knife and make a decision.
I finish Mrs. Brennans ham.
I do Mrs. McNamara next.
Then Mrs. Carney.
My overalls are soaked in blood, most of it mine. Some is getting on the customers meat.
Mrs Mullins.
Then Mrs. O Brien.
God I feel bad.
Mrs. Dillon.
I can do one more, I know I can.
Mrs. Clarke.
I manage to serve seven customers in total before I collapse through blood loss. I feel a sense of pride and achievement as I lay bleeding on the floor.
Seven happy customers.
Seven happy soon to be HIV infected customers.
"I hope they are fucking satisfied now!"
User Reviews
Submitted by pacificsharp (user info) at 2003-07-26 21:24:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Nice to see that some people out their still have a strong work ethic.
Submitted by cea (user info) at 2003-07-26 19:17:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Damn dude, that was awe-inspiring, but seriously fucked up too.
Submitted by Really_God <hellhound8.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-07-26 19:08:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Moral of the story, always keep an Ak-47 handy in case people piss you off. Your way works fine though too
Submitted by kimmy02721 (user info) at 2003-07-26 18:54:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Wow
Submitted by ronnockeem (user info) at 2003-07-26 12:59:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nice, you showed those impatient bastards.
Submitted by Acarnis (user info) at 2003-07-26 12:55:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
It is stupid people like this that give good reason for people to discriminate towards people
with AIDS.
But if you look deeper, it is really a reason to disciminate towards stupid people.
Submitted by drstrangedhruv (user info) at 2003-07-26 12:07:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This ruled.
Submitted by nemo (user info) at 2003-07-26 11:52:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by Cicciro (user info) at 2003-07-26 11:24:56 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
Hmm, you should just sharpen the knife next time and throw it at people.
Submitted by Nosferatu (user info) at 2003-07-26 11:04:09 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
KICK ASS