The People versus Lifetime Television (27797 hits)
Category: HumorRating: 1.83 on 61 reviews (Rate this item) (V)
Submitted by <Catscradle> (View user info) at 2003-07-27 13:40:52 EDT
I'm finally joining the game: I'm filing suit. Not just any suit, but a lawsuit. You may say that the lawsuit galaxy has expanded as much as it can and that there is no one left to sue, but you are wrong. I have found the final frontier in this era of frivolous lawsuits. Is the lid on my coffee on tightly enough? Yes. Are my Oreos filled with addicting trans fats? Maybe, but not for long. Telemarketers are having a hard time calling me after 6 PM and I hear they're even working on reducing the amount of spam in my inbox. Not that it will work, but at least they're trying.
I contemplated several possibilities before I filed suit. I looked to the fast food industry. Why do McDonald hamburgers have to be black? Why can't they be white? Racists! Sure, you can say that ground beef is black to begin with and that McDonalds had no role in the color process, but since when did McDonald's make burgers from beef?
I considered suing Home Depot for selling me a hammer that I hit myself in the hand with while using it a couple months ago. After all, where was the Warning Label on the hammer that said that it could be harmful if used incorrectly? Bastards!
I thought about suing Nokia because some guy's phone rang in the movie theate while I was trying to watch Pirates of the Carribbean. However, there was no way I could know for certain that it was a Nokia phone so I then thought about suing Disney for making Pirates of the Carribbean. I considered suing the 16th century mapmaker who gave the Carribbean it's name because it's so damn hard to spell.
Once, I even considered Trojan for the pain and suffering caused when a ripped out a pubic hair in the process of removing a condom.
But then I changed my mind. You see, I was reading CNN.com when I fell upon an article. It really changed the way I look at things. The article was about a guy in Virginia. This man actually held a news conference and made a bold claim. The claim? "I did something stupid today, and it was my fault". What is this, "my fault" phrase I hear? Is it blasphemy? I thought that in America, nothing was my fault! That's what I thought to myself anyway. I read on. Apparently, this heretic has decided that there is such a thing as taking responsibility for one's actions. They must be putting something in the racist burgers in Virginia, because this guy was raving like a lunatic. (Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's not beef)
For a second, I thought maybe he had a point. Maybe, I should sue over something worthwhile. So I turned on the television. Maybe I could sue Lifetime for all the shitty made for television movies they produce and all the tampon commercials which they air during them. I mean come on, a movie about a woman struggling to overcome a tragic yeast infection? An animated cartoon about a pad discovering it's individuality in a land of feminine hygiene products? To the courtroom!
However, upon returning to the Internet, I changed my mind. I was browsing a website when an ad popped up. It was a personals website ad. You know, the kind where you put up your stats and a fake picture of yourself with a sappy profile and then wait for other people to respond? That kind. Nothing legally wrong there - until I saw the ad. It had a submit button where you could say what gender you were and what gender you were seeking. But this one said: "I am a male seeking a woman" automatically! These people ASSUME that men are more inclined than women to be pathetic losers who use online dating services. OUTRAGE! This is gender profiling! This is sexual harrassment, and I don't have to take it! I immediately went to frivolouslawsuits.com to file suit.
Before I could go there however, an ad popped up onto my screen. It was an advertisement for a pornographic website. I clicked on it. I instantly became absorbed in it and completely forgot about my lawsuit.
I rest my case.
User Reviews
Submitted by rockinrory (user info) at 2005-07-28 19:09:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
by-the-way, frivolouslawsuits.com is not a valid site......i checked.
Submitted by williamson (user info) at 2005-06-08 03:21:16 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Ah, the ol' B@W
Submitted by hairycoo (user info) at 2004-09-22 12:13:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by exkaleeburr (user info) at 2004-06-08 20:16:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
"I thought that in America, nothing was my fault!"
Haha, that's fucking great.
Submitted by WilliamCain (user info) at 2004-03-04 20:31:28 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
forgot to sign...
he he he.
bs
Submitted by WilliamCain (user info) at 2004-03-04 20:30:45 EST (#)
Ranking: 2
OMG CATS!!!!
OMG!!!
Submitted by applescruffs86 (user info) at 2004-01-05 11:17:17 EST (#)
Ranking: 1
very true of the USA
Submitted by kellye at 2003-12-02 11:03:39 EST (#)
Ranking: 0
oh wow, i remember watching major dad...
i especially liked the part: "I thought that in America, nothing was my fault!"
Submitted by MeGizzle (user info) at 2003-11-19 00:22:59 EST (#)
Ranking: -2
You get a -2 because I was excited to read some shit about Lifetime and then I see it's a fucking 50000 word essay. Go burrow up in Delta Burke's asshole and listen to her watch Designing Women reruns with Major Dad.
Submitted by Otto <eatmydick.at.yahoo.com> at 2003-10-15 00:42:02 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
No Comment
Submitted by sam_el (user info) at 2003-09-30 14:10:55 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Meandering, but quite good.
http://www.ubersite.com/cgi-bin/message_get.cgi?message=106402745426073463
Submitted by adam <nospam.at.adambox.org> at 2003-09-29 14:24:30 EDT (#)
Ranking: -1
booooring. way too long, too many stupid examples. this guy should get his own blog and quit bugging ubersite readers
Submitted by BetterThanYou (user info) at 2003-08-29 16:01:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Justme (user info) at 2003-08-21 11:35:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
HAHA thats was lil to funny i started to laugh really hard in class ( Carriabean) haha!! ( Mc Donnals) thats just to funny but ok thats for making me smile
!! BUBYE
<~~ yawns!
Submitted by dingo (user info) at 2003-08-15 14:24:08 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh
Submitted by Insanethemind (user info) at 2003-08-10 15:05:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
well done.
Submitted by jesus_chrystler (user info) at 2003-08-06 20:07:04 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
heh queen....youd be in a lil bit of a line..if i recall correctly Spike lee sued TNN for tryin to change the name of the network to Spike.. so jump on that bandwagon if ya want..id join dude for suing lifetime
Submitted by warehouse crew#3 <Who Knows> at 2003-08-03 14:15:25 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Joey you always have to be a damn smart ass about shit. Jesus, when will you learn.
You always have a negative opinion about shit. Another thing who sticks their damn finger
in a saw, damn man, I mean come on. You know I bet you anything if I was working with you at
this job, it would have been my finger that got cut, nah better yet probly my fucking head.
Anyway, im done fucking around. I liked the post and hope to read the others you have wrote. later on
WAREHOUSE!!!!!!
Submitted by Istaros (user info) at 2003-08-03 04:40:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
"Apparently, this heretic has decided that there is such a thing as taking responsibility for one's actions. They must be putting something in the racist burgers in Virginia, because this guy was raving like a lunatic. (Whatever it is, I'm pretty sure it's not beef)"
It WAS beef. British beef. You know, Mad Cow Disease, and all that jazz...
Submitted by HedgehogAngel (user info) at 2003-08-02 10:58:32 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
POP-UP Porno the worst leads to more Pop-Up Porno then that leads to even more pop-up porno, then before you know it, your computer is downloading automatic dial up programs to more porno.
Submitted by muahaha at 2003-08-01 01:52:14 EDT (#)
Ranking: -2
-2 because....its 2 AM and i have nothing better to do...
Submitted by antluvdog (user info) at 2003-07-31 22:37:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I didn't read it. Didn't have to. I hate Lifetime.
Submitted by Chang <ensigndan.at.hotmail.com> at 2003-07-31 00:42:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
lol, try the Chess Association, White always goes before Black...
Submitted by pacificsharp (user info) at 2003-07-30 20:53:57 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Down with Trojan, thou puller of pubes
Submitted by virgil (user info) at 2003-07-30 20:19:43 EDT (#)
Ranking: 1
I was tempted to give it a negative rating just because no one had, but... no.
Submitted by Creepo8 (user info) at 2003-07-30 19:35:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2003-07-30 07:57:40 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
And I'm a horrible speller. STAND-up comedy.
Submitted by drink_DDT (user info) at 2003-07-30 07:57:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
This flows so well, like a good stan-up comedy routine. You're an excellent writer.
Submitted by hendrixjrr (user info) at 2003-07-29 10:29:23 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"Lifetimes addicting... When Im over my friends house and Im waiting for her to get ready I watch it and cant turn away until the end of a movie... "
Manfre, I've told you time and time again that you're gay. Just come out of the damn closet!
Submitted by Loren1 (user info) at 2003-07-28 15:53:54 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
"the kind where you put up your stats and a fake picture of yourself"
AHAHAHAHA. !
Great article, CC. Makes me wonder what you're smoking, and where I can get some.
On a serious note, I think men outnumber women on most dating Websites like 3 or 4 to one. I don't know enought, and don't really care enought to be exact though. :-)
+2
Submitted by LucidCognition (user info) at 2003-07-28 15:36:37 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
cuz this is what uber's about
Submitted by speeddaimon (user info) at 2003-07-28 13:31:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Dammit, I try and try, and I'm still not this funny. Oh well, +1 for hating lifetime, +1 for liking porn. (If I gave you a +2 for being funnier than me, I'd have to give +2s almost all the damn time)
Submitted by loki (user info) at 2003-07-28 11:17:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Yea cats is posting.
Submitted by Mindheavy (user info) at 2003-07-28 11:03:33 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That kicked ass
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-07-28 08:55:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-07-28 08:55:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-07-28 08:55:01 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sorry I really fucked your rating up...
Submitted by Manfre (user info) at 2003-07-28 08:51:50 EDT (#)
Ranking: 0
Lifetimes addicting... When Im over my friends house and Im waiting for her to get ready I watch it and cant turn away until the end of a movie... She watches lifetime all the time and the shows suck so much ass. But you just cant help it. Its like a train wreck. You see all the bodies and blood and gore. Yet you watch on. Amazed by it.
Lifetime is the same way. Its like that there crack coccaine... Its not good for you but your compelled for more and more. You end up NEEDING to know what happened to the dumb bitch who got killed. What happened to the cancer victim whose first love gets hurt. You need to know if he survived the surgery or if they were able to live happily ever after. Need to know if they got back together or why they broke up. Need to know what the hell happened at the end!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry that was one of the movies that I didnt get to see the ending too and it still bothers me months later...
Lifetime is addicting... This coming from the man who wishes he got TNN for some Striparella <SP?> amd Ren & Stimpy...
Submitted by Nicole3 (user info) at 2003-07-28 08:21:59 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Makes me feel that there is hope. Great post.
Submitted by blanchfor (user info) at 2003-07-28 07:04:15 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
wow... this is great
Submitted by JohnWilkesBooth (user info) at 2003-07-28 05:36:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Sounds like a paper i wrote for my english class.
+2 for thinking like me.
Submitted by Nator (user info) at 2003-07-28 05:14:52 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Queen (user info) at 2003-07-28 04:11:19 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Awesome job! But if you go filing over Lifetime t.v. I will have to go file against TNN, as you know is now reffered to the "only station for men" showing shows like 'the man show' and "stripperella"...lol.
=) Queen
Submitted by ThanMan (user info) at 2003-07-28 03:40:51 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Pacifist248 (user info) at 2003-07-28 02:46:41 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by bart (user info) at 2003-07-28 01:01:28 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
You should post more often... quit that damn "job" of yours if need be.
Submitted by firefly (user info) at 2003-07-27 22:54:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Razor says:
Good post Joey... nice to see you posting.
Submitted by ctrl_alt_del (user info) at 2003-07-27 22:23:11 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Posts like this remind me why I have quit putting crap up on this site. I concur: if you can't post something like this, do not post at all. Ha Ha!
Submitted by Blitzen (user info) at 2003-07-27 22:10:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
excellent
Submitted by nemo (user info) at 2003-07-27 22:04:35 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by Digitalchaoschi (user info) at 2003-07-27 21:58:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-07-27 18:23:03 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm gone for the week..
Submitted by atz (user info) at 2003-07-27 16:09:10 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
I'm filing suit. This post wasn't the usual crap I was expecting.
Submitted by jwlmar10 (user info) at 2003-07-27 16:08:24 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Nobody else post unless you think it is this good.
Submitted by Fabish (user info) at 2003-07-27 15:59:00 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
These are like book/movie reviews. I'll play along.
"This post was very deep and enthralling. Take the evening off to read this one. It's nonstop action. A good read."
Submitted by Tom (user info) at 2003-07-27 15:35:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
That, my fellow Überfriends, is an example of a good post. Kudos.
Submitted by shadowdragon (user info) at 2003-07-27 15:30:18 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by hidden101 (user info) at 2003-07-27 14:24:38 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
another Übersite instant classic!
BRAVO!
Submitted by Random Joe at 2003-07-27 14:06:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
No Comment
Submitted by El_Guapo (user info) at 2003-07-27 13:51:20 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
hahahahahah!!
that was awesome!
Submitted by catscradle (user info) at 2003-07-27 13:45:13 EDT (#)
Ranking: 2
Hooray for me.